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Thread: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Sorry, This is kind of long but I really need some advice.

    I just found out my boyfriend has been 'talking' to a female co-worker behind my back and im not sure what else he has been lying to me about.

    Here's what has happended.
    My boyfriend and I had broken up over the summer but we decieded that we loved each other and got back together.Everyone told me it was a bad idea and deep down I knew it was. But I thought we loved each other enough to make it work. I do love him I just don't think we are good for each other.

    Things were really great for a month or so untill he started a new job.
    About a week after he started working there he became really cold and distant and even when he was home he was always on the computer or reading.
    Basically, doing anything to avoid spending time with me.
    Our sex life also stopped completly. Everytime I tried to have sex with him he had some excuse. Being that before this he was the one always coming onto me and wanted to have sex several times a day this was obviously a big red flag. But yet again out of fear I ignored my gut feeling.

    Then about a week later he tell's me about this ''really cool'' girl he met at work and say's how they are both from small town's in texas and they have so much in common that she likes the same books and movies as him and is going to be write fantasy novels (which he reads). And say's he want's to 'hang out' with her sometime. I freaked out because I had been having that bad feeling and this seemed to explain it. I told him that no, I was not comfortable with him being friends with her.

    Yet he brought her up several more times and each time we got into a fight over it.
    Things just didn't add up and at this point my gut feeling was so intense I was unable to ignore it.

    And I also feel like he is saying she is smarter than me.
    He always makes fun of the books I read and the music I listen to even though he actually listens to most of the same music I do and found out about most of the music he likes from me. He just always makes me feel like I am not good enough.
    He will make comments implying that I am not too bright. And say things like 'I am never dating someone that looks like you again because attractive women are all spoiled and crazy' It really hurt's when he makes those comments and my self esstem is at an all time low.

    Then he comes home one day and say's that she had invited ''us'' (Even though I have never met her) over to her house for her birthday. He tell's me not to worry because she is engaged but her fiancee conviently will be out of town on her BD.
    I told him there was no way and asked him to please stop fucking bringing her up and to not talk to her or about her untill we have resolved at least some of our issues. He acted like he understood and agreed to stop talking to her.

    Well the day after christmas I went up to his work to say hello and he told me she was there. I had never seen her but thought I would try to check her out while I was there. So as I am walking up the stairs(he works at a bookstore) this girl is walking past me and the feeling I got was undescribeable. I felt like I was going to throw up, I started shaking, and I KNEW that was her and that something was going on. Also, for some odd reason the movie sliding doors came into my head as we were walking past each other (and by the way she had no engagement ring on)

    So I go and ask them if that was her..it was...I tell him how I feel sick and I couldnt breathe and was on the verge of tears and he promised to stop talking to her.

    So for the last week he says no they havent talked ect...then while I was cleaning up I notice that a book I had bought for him as a gift was missing.

    I knew immediatly that he had given it to her and that he would lie about it. So I called him and confronted him and he tried to lie saying he borrowed it out to his friend adam. I tell him that I asked adam about it and he told me he didn't have it (i was lying to get him to tell me the truth) he finally admits that yes he gave it to her.
    So we got into a huge fight again and he swears again to stop talking to her.
    He SWEARS ON EVERYTHING that they have never spoken outside of work.

    So then the next day the truth finally came out when I went through his phone and found her number hidden under a guys name (it was a texas area code and the guy who's name it was under lives in chicago) so i called and she called me back and sure enough it was her.

    So I freak out because he has been lying to me and he swears that she gave him her number but he never called and never gave out his number. He said he just took her number to ''be polite'' which is such bullshit!
    I was hurt and crying and felt so betrayed but I believed him for some stupid reason.

    Then the next morning at 6am he comes into the bedroom wakes me up and says ''I have to tell you something, crystal and I have been texting each other'' I was shocked and just started crying.

    It turns out that he just got caught and that's why he ''confessed''. We share a phone plan and my mom went online and checked it because she knew everything that had been going on and she emailed him a few pages worth of texts between them
    Then was about 20 calls dating from the day after christmas to that very day.

    I am just sick over this I am more upset that he lied to me than anything. I am also hurt that they have become so close emotionally and I wonder if it has gone even further than that.

    I have lost almost all my trust for him and don't know if I am going to be able to be with him after all these lies.
    Plus, everytime they work together I am going to be a nervous wreck.

    My gut feeling was right and if she was just a ''friend'' he wouldn't have lied to me and did all this behind my back.
    I just don't know how we are going to ever rebuild the trust between us because I am still hurt from things he did to me last time we were together and while we were broke up.

    I just know that this is going to get worse and they are going to probaly continue talking behind my back and it may get to the point where they are having a full blown affair if they arent already.
    Don't they say that 75% of affairs happen in the workplace?

    I made an appt with a therapist. Hopefully that helps a little.

    I am just so sad that the person that I thought was honest to me and loved me could so easily look me in the eyes and lie to me.

    The thought of sitting here and waiting for the next blow to my heart seems unbearable.
    Last edited by Magdalena_666; 01-01-2006 at 10:38 PM.

  2. #2
    God/dess
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Oh God.

    I just went through the same thing. Same circumstances and everything. New job and all.

    I feel sick just reading it. Like reading out of my own diary.

    I have no advice, I'm lost in this myself, but if you need to talk/cry/whatever, pm me. I know how you are feeling.



    Because there ain't no tits on the radio

  3. #3
    God/dess
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Trust your gut, kick him to the curb, as hard as it may be it sounds like it's time to move on.

  4. #4
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    The thought of sitting there and waiting for the next blow to your heart might be bearable if you kick his a*s before you leave him. Hahahaha. Sorry.

    ALL kidding aside, I had the same horrible gut feelings when I had to be around this girl my ex dumped me for. At that point in time we were all supposed to be "cool" & play nice around eachother....BUT I felt sick & retarded for putting myself in a situation where I was being dissed & taking it like a chump. So I threw up on her porch. (Hah hah.)

    In short, your stomach is telling you what the rest of you doesn't want to accept. It's an ugly hammerblow- this guy you have gone the extra mile or two or three for...has just wasted your time & made you look foolish. So pack up your bags & get out of there! (PS Take his stereo equipment with you BTW.)

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this to hardkandee

    Same to you if you need someone to talk to PM me. I haven't been sleeping much because when I try to go to sleep I cant stop thinking about it and then I keep waking up early with that sick feeling and cant go back to sleep.
    It's really horrible and It sucks that it's not just going to go away.

    I know I am going to start resenting him for this too...This whole thing is just really sad because we do have so much history and memories but I guess that isnt enough for him.

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    Veteran Member infra-red's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    You know exactly what to do... BTW, this is harsh, but men don't care about "history or memories"...we just don't. Do whats right for you.
    Devilution Imaging!

    "Sexy...sexy as hell"

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Lol Madmaxine!
    I love your post's. You always give such great advice and make me laugh. Thanks I needed to smile

  8. #8
    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Trust your instincts. It's odd that he is attached to this women. Why would he center conversations around how great she is? He might not be having an affair. I'm sure he's thinking about it though. Either way, he's being a bad boyfriend.

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    Member "AngelEyes"'s Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.There is nothing worse then to feel betrayed and lied to by the man you love.I can't imagine how you must feel.

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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Mags and H.K. :
    both of you are amongst the small circle of people i like on this board(might even call ya my f..ffr...friends,gulp!), so out of respect for the 2 of yas I'm not gonna tell you what to do, you both know in your hearts whatcha gotta do to make yourselves happy(ok I lied) think! think long and hard about how you WANT to feel and the answers will come
    If either of ya need to vent you know where I am....msn will be on (hugs)

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    Veteran Member MsTopaz's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    leave his sorry ass. he don't give a shit about you or your feelings (most men don't)...so why should you give a shit about him.
    why do some people still have to fight to get the same opportunities that are given to others?

    reclusiveness...is a good thing.

    the greatest revenge in the world...is success.


  12. #12
    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    The writing's on the wall with this one, sweetpea . Hate to say it, but sounds like he is becoming emotionally attached to this girl and if he hasn't bagged her yet, he will. This is not something you are in control of. So now what?

    Might I suggest you pick up what is left of your dignity and get the hell away from this emotional fucktard? He is lying to you, he is obviously into someone else, he puts you down, he doesn't give a rat's ass for your emotional needs or feelings--why is is you are staying exactly? Have you been married for 20 years? Got kids together? Or is it that you just don't feel you deserve to be loved or respected? Don't call this love--love doesn't make you feel like absolute stomped shit. Codependency can masquereade as love, however, and has stolen many a year of many a good woman's life. We've all been there.

    It makes me apoplectic, it truly does. A beautiful, young woman who could do so much better hangs around when there is absolutely nothing left but hurt. Why? Well, the good news is this--how you exit this mess and how you want to be remembered (oh, and he will, long after the shine has worn off of Little Miss Whatzername and you are SO over him) is totally up to you. So enough with the tears. Enough of the emotional begging, enough with being grateful that this guy is still hanging around while he makes the transition from you to her. Remember yourself, woman. Are you desperate or grateful? No you are not. You are a beautiful woman that many men would love to treat like a queen. And stop acting so goddamned helpless. You are not sitting around waiting for anything--you are too busy packing your bags and calling your best girlfriends. You have things to do! So get busy.

    There is a brand new year ahead with absolutely no mistakes or errors in judgement in it. Yet. Make this the year you remember all that about you that is worthy of love and respect, and the year you find the man who is worthy of your gifts. Good luck---it is going to get better from this moment on.

    P.S-NEVER EVER again doubt your insticts. They are always right. They're built that way for a reason.

  13. #13
    God/dess
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Just reading the first couple of paragraphs was enough for me to conclude that he is not worthy of you so dump him and live your life, you'll most probably get someone better



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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    If your relationship sucks what does that say about you!!!!!!!! Move the f--- on!!!!

  15. #15
    Featured Member Crystal_eyes's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Thats too bad you had to go to this point to find out the truth. But I guess you wanted to believe him because you love him. Now you know and you can start all over by yourself and be stronger.

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    Permanently Banned 82Candy's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Well, his lying is a part of it. Your jealousy is also not helping. If you can’t trust him, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. It’s that simple. You can fill in all the details, and justify it however you want, but it comes down to something much more simple.

  17. #17
    Pamela
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by birdguya
    If your relationship sucks what does that say about you!!!!!!!! Move the f--- on!!!!
    Not sure i understand that message.

    Anyway, I wish i had advice too. I don't. I got hurt BAD, and it has not gone away.

    The only thing i can think of would be (it sounds like you two share a home) to move out to your parents for a time. Out of sight out of mind may help you alot! Take baby steps, cry. Because (i know this) after the mourning comes the anger! And that part of getting over him feels a hell of alot better.

    Keep your friends and family close at hand, lean on them. And vent!

    This is what helped me get through what i thought was something with a man who loved me.

    Wishing you well!

    Pamela

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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by birdguya
    If your relationship sucks what does that say about you!!!!!!!! Move the f--- on!!!!
    Well that's such a pleasant attitude to have....
    I have a question for you...are you male or female?

  19. #19
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    a "relationship" of any type has a cornerstone. This is trust. I don't blow the whole 'get to know people before you start anything serious' out my ass for nothing.

    Trust between eachother is essential. There is no other way around it. You need to not trust words. You need to trust actions, and reactions. You need a mutual understanding of each other's capabilities and know what action is going to inflict what reaction. This is trust AND understanding. These need to be there for any relationship, be it friends or lovers.

    You don't have that now. Not saying you never did, you just don't now. You need to back off and seperate. You need to re-choose if this is what you want, currently you are obviously clouded.

    If you don't do that, remember, You are in control. You have the option to walk away as much as he does. Start by thinking what keeps you around. Weigh it against the lying. Decided if the good is worth fighting for.

    Life is about choices. You can choose to not keep this relationship, and you can choose never to look back. There are too many people in the world, you don't need this guy.

    Good Luck, and please make a decision with an outcome. Do not continue to sit in mental limbo.

    Mast.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  20. #20
    Veteran Member TarynJolie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    The main problem I see here is that you did not listen or trust your gut instincts. That little voice is there for a reason. You learned the hard way this time and I doubt you will make that mistake again. It's a New Year and a perfect time to start fresh and so if I were you I would cut ties with that man asap.

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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this....and I'm sure every woman or man on this site has gone through the same situation. It hurts...but I'm almost positive that it's not that he (might be) cheating that hurts. It's the fact that now your faced with the decision to either go with your instinct and let this loser go, or stay with him and have to deal with his lying and flirting for as long as you let this relationship drag on. It's obvious that you don't trust him and I'm guessing that he has given you plenty of reasons other than this, not to. So ask yourself this question....if he's not cheating with THIS girl....what happens when the next one comes along. Do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship wondering if he's going to cheat again? And let me tell you from personal experience, that even if you keep tabs on him and want to know where he is every minute of the day, that will not stop him from cheating. If he's gonna do it...he's gonna do it. And please don't make the mistake of doing what many of us girls do in a situation like this...and try to compete with her. She is NOT better or smarter or prettier than you so don't let him fool you into believing that that's the reason why he cannot be faithful to you. You are just simply to much of a woman for him to handle. So now it is not up to him to make the next step of either cheating with this woman or deciding to be faithful..it is up to you to decide whether or not you want to walk away now and save yourself the hurt, or stay and invest a couple more years of your time and heart only to be more hurt later on down the road when he cheats again and then leaves you. My advice is to walk away and show him that you won't put up with the lying. Don't accept his calls, don't see him (atleast for right now), and maybe later on down the road when you have gained your independence back and he has grown up and is ready to be in a faithful honest relationship, then you can get back together. If it's meant to be, let it go, and he will come back to you. Best wishes to you and be strong.

  22. #22
    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    while the person who posted "what does this say about you?" could have been a bit more subtle, you have to examine (maybe not now, but at a future date so as to avoid this situation happening again) why you put up with so many red flags? My guess (from your post) is that he hasn't slept with her; lending a book doesn't necessarily mean getting it on, in my mind. Why did you hang on for so long? This guy doesn't sound like a prize, since he makes you feel inadaquate. Was it your competition with this other girl, and that's why you tried so hard to exert control over whether or not he'd see her?
    Trust your own instincts in your choice of books, your music, and your intelligence. I know I went through a situation with two shitty boyfriends, and while my anger with them faded, the anger with myself over why I stayed with them and put up with them stayed with me the longest. It made me doubt my intelligence as a strong, attractive female with better prospects out there.
    You sound like you put a lot of trust into this guy in terms of sharing an apartment with him, and even a phone plan! But when it came to whether you could trust him to be friends with a girl, why did your trust desert you if it wasn't genuine in the first place?
    I hate to psychobabble and intimately question you, but it's not to break you down; I've asked a lot of these questions to myself. Guys can suck big time, and I hope that after recovering awhile, you can love and trust someone who's perfect for you.

  23. #23
    Featured Member mild2wild's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    i would say leave his sorry ass!

    i am going through some thing very similar with my bf atm and it seems that everytiime i call him and try to see him he has miraculusly (sp?) got something on or something has come up!

    I am at the point he has less then 8 hours to prove that i am number 1 or his ass will be on the corner and i will be going to the club and getting a job as fast as my 1981 mazda 626 can drive there!

    I am fed up that all males seem to have the uncanny ability to dissassociate themself with the one that loves them, cares for them, cooks for them and cleans for them! i tell you he will be 1 sorry man when i am finished with him!

    Girl i think you should stick up for yourself and tell him to his face, cry if you have to so it makes him look and feel worse then what he already feels! maybe one day he will realise that you were there for him and loved and cared for him and now he thinks he has it better, PROVE HIM WRONG but dont go chasing the attention!

    Good luck with it, and i will put my theory to the test tonight!!

    xoxo babes i know how you feel

  24. #24
    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    ^^ wow. I remember starting work the first time I was irritated with a guy. So, it wouldn't be the first night a girl became a stripper because her boy wasn't giving her due attention.

  25. #25
    Lucy Blue
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    Default Re: My boyfriends a liar and i don't know what to do.

    I'm so sorry this has happened to you! ((((((Magdalena)))))
    You know what you've got to do - you have to keep your head up and move on, no ifs not buts. I know it's a hard thing to do but you owe it to yourself to move on from this situation asap!
    Your BF is a gutless prick because he is keeping you hanging on so don't tourture yourself anymore by doing so because it's only going to stay painful or get worse. I don't even think you need to talk to him anymore about it because (a) what's the point if he's a liar anyway and (b) he's already done too much damage IMO to even consider giving another chance.
    So fuck him off nice and quickly and get out there and make yourself have fun! Try and find funny things and people to be around and people who are going to make you feel good about yourself again! Once your gone, the worst is over, I think you will be fine! (-:

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