1st off, I am not having second thoughts or suffering from cold feet. It's gonna happen but this love can drive me so batty! The fact that I am here doing what i would NEVER do, confide in strangers just represents my dedication to this union. I am getting married in May to a beautiful woman I have been with for 6 1/2 years in the Caribbean. We have always had issues, but totally inseparable from each other. I am a Gemini (male) and she is a cancer. I am very expressive, creative, and confident and what I would consider a free spirit. I am 33 and 6 years older than she though I look youthful always generating shocked faces after being carded and no one ever guesses more than 26 for my age (I make a game of it). I am attractive, educated and successful coming up from a struggling background.
I am black and she is mex/rican. Let’s just say she is almost the opposite of me in almost every way. She grew up in the burbs, me in the city. She is extremely loyal and family oriented. Her mom is her best friend. She is shy, stubborn and just plain difficult for no reason it seems at times. Although I'm much more sexual than she is, sex has not really been a problem. Even though she is shy I have been able to execute many of my sexual fantasies with her. She is consistent and euphoric sexually, though we have worked to get it that way.
I hurt her about 2 years into our relationship when I got busted in an affair.
It saw strictly sexual but it was with an ex that I was with for a long time b4 her. I know I messed up bad and should be castrated (ouch)! Through it all we never parted and though we considered splitting, it just could not happen. I don’t want her to leave me and she wants me. We have been living 2gether 4 almost 5 years.
The level of passion she exudes towards may be my issue (hence why I strayed). Her way is just different and rather reserved staying in line with her disposition. I was not used to it. There is something that is still confusing to me as I'm sure u can tell from my banter. She is very quiet and it has taken me all of our relationship to get the lil bit I know out of her. Her crabby way will send her into her shell and I understand that but it still translates to me that she does not care enough to "fight" for us. It’s almost surreal, she will just run from a problem expecting it to magically disappear whereas I feel the dedication to attack it face 1st and grow stronger from the experience. We can’t share that 2gether.
Our families get along well and we don’t want or need for anything. I provide well for us and we don’t even have children so she works too as her choice. Her self esteem has always been low due to weight and acne problems. The truth is, she has a bomb figure and her weight goes in all the right places 36-27-44 (5' 1", 145 lbs) and even thought she was always utterly gorgeous, through the years her acne has subsided substantially to where it should not be an issue any more. She is very exotic looking with long black silky hair and perfectly symmetric features. I tell her often that she is perfect to me just the way she is. I know she won’t believe that. I want her to see what I feel and live confidently and care less about what anyone thinks or anything in the past and just let it go for our sake. Since I am in entertainment and business, the insecurity really contradicts what I am all about.
I have tried everything to try to make her happy. I have been loyal since the episode. Spontaneous everything, flowers, diamonds, gifts, vacations, u name it. She can’t be bought. I wear my heart on my sleeve; I initiate communication and express myself with ease to her. She very may well be happy and love me more than I ever will know, I just want to feel it and her to show it willingly, or at least hear it. I guess I want the fairytale because the way I see it, there is no reason why we in particular can't have it.
I am writing to this board cause u guys are the sharpest bunch I have seen out there. I have ceased to communicate (a little) with her as much and just holding things in more and more. She is so sensitive that I have to construct everything I say to her. This is not who I am. I believe that communication is key and is the only thing which separates us from strangers and enemies. I never wanted the typical marriage where she does her thing and I do mine, I can just stay single for that. She doesn’t really seem to care as long as she gets her sleep. Now she is so consumed in planning the wedding in ST. Lucia that I am almost an afterthought. What do I do?



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