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Thread: He pretends to come!

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    Veteran Member oulala's Avatar
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    Default He pretends to come!

    Okay, I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I want both male and females to give me some insight/advice on this.

    Details: New relationship, I'm 19 and he's 20. I'm very secure in my body, very sexual, and of course he is happy with this. The first time we had sex it was great... But now he just can't seem to come. This isn't a problem with me, I dont care... what bothers me is that he lies about it. He actually pretends to come, then wants sex not even 10 minutes later. This obviously makes me very very sore because it happens more than once a night...

    And yet he keeps initiating sex. I tried talking with him about it, but he won't admit it. I am on the pill - so we (bad I know) havent been using condoms and I can tell that he doesn't come! But why lie about it?

    I love sex in a relationship, but man, this just sucks! I hate to admit it but I get bored trying to get him off. Selfish, I know.

    I have a tendency to dump people over small things, but I like this guy and don't want to give up too fast. I also don't know how to talk about it without damaging his ego since it seems to be fragile in this arena...

    It might be just nerves... Should I stick it out? Talk to him about it? Give up (I feel bad for considering this!)?

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    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    I would talk to him about it and find out if there is something you could do to help him out. Be careful though, it might be a touchy subject with him.

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    Veteran Member oulala's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Well thats the thing though... I need advice on a way to approach him about it without offending him and in a way that will get him to actually open up to me about it (because he's been lying about it).


    I think this is karma for all the orgasms I've faked. It's hard to not take it personally...

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Ummm, you are both faking orgasms?? wtf? you didn't say if you ever come.... stop faking it, what's the point in that? you're not married are you? so why would you fake it? if he can't make you come, find someone else who can... you should be coming at least twice or three times for every time he does, minimum... sorry if I was too blunt or crude or if I misunderstood something....

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    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Um ... he could have been molested, had a horrible relationship, is gay, etc. Whatever he has, it's baggage. You could help him work through it, if you want. Or not. It's up to you.

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    God/dess Zabrina's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Years ago I had this one guy who just couldn't come. I only slept with him a few times, but I knew his ex and she said the same thing. She was with him over a year, he just couldn't come, not ever really! Sheesh lucky I knew her or else I would have thought there was a problem with me. I'm sure there is some medical condition that causes this, your guy may have a problem with his piping or something. If not a medical thing it could be a mental thing, like maybe he's one of those people who needs to be comfortable in intimate, deep relationships in order to let loose. In that case it could just take some time to get things flowing lol.

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    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Don't do what I did with my ex: yell really loudly, "hey, you faked it!"

    I don't really know how to approach it...maybe one time just be like 'huh? did you really come? I can't feel anything," as if you hadn't ever noticed before. Then maybe he'll be like, "oh crap, she can tell", and then he'll stop.

    Feature costumes for sale!

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    Veteran Member Feiticeira's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Damn, I can feel the contractions from my guy everytime, plus I tend to notice seman coming out of me afterwards. So he can't fake it.... I've never bothered faking it. Sometimes I'll say straight out "It's not happening tonight"....

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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    The thing about a guy faking it is that unless he is wearing a condom, we know!! LOL That stuff that leaks out for the next few hours LOL It sounds like he has some sort of a physical or mental problem. Does he cum when he masturbates? Does he cum during oral? Does he cum during hand jobs? Find those answers and take it from there. maybe he masturbates too much???

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    Veteran Member ksalerio's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    He might have retarded ejaculation........http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relat...competence.htm
    I had a sexuality class last semester and learned about it.

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    Veteran Member oulala's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Dlabtot - no, I am not faking orgasms with him. I used to all the time (in my last relationship) but have since given that up. There truly is no point.

    It's hard trying to assess what works for him. I've had him tell me what turns him on, and I've paid close attention and tried doing it - but he still has only ever come maybe once or twice and after a million attempts. Last time he even went soft and we had to stop. And yet he keeps initiating sex ALL the time! It drives me NUTS.

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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    i can cum most of the time(80%)....but sometimes it aint just gonna happen(usually if its the 3rd or 4th time that session)...it just wont(so dont feel bad when it doesnt)...i'd be exhausted before i'd ever get close....so sometimes in the past i have pretended or just stopped...well i dont really pretend...but i just kinda stop...im sure the girl assumed i came...but oh well. I never said i did...so i didnt really lie

    but now if he NEVER cums...then he's just weird or has some mental or physical problems....

    TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT....if you cant talk to him about something as minute as cumming....then how can you talk about the really important things?

    i dunno

  13. #13
    Pamela
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    I wish i could fake an orgasm...i go way to quick, glad i am not a guy.

    Anyway. Just mention it to him. Not during sex, but say watching TV or something. There is not going to be a "gentle" way of bringing up a guys penis and not coming. But perhaps he will tell you what is up.

    I had an ex who at times would not cum. But wearing friggin condoms could stop a train wreck. Then after we stayed exclusive to one another we stopped condoms and he came!!!

    This is not the problem with you however. Emotions, play a major role in a guys sex life!

    Ask. You need to know...he needs to know you know.

    Pamela

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Just bring it up. Grin and say, "honey, can we talk about something?" Then tell him how you feel when he fakes it. See what he says.



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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    well ok then, if you aren't faking, that's good... orgasm is not a requirement for good sex, imho, I don't always come either, especially with a condom, but if he has only come once or twice obviously something is wrong... the main thing is you need to communicate to him about how his faking it is making it less enjoyable for you... what about oral or masturbation, can he come that way?

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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Well I have been out of circulation for some time but when I was your age me and my wife met and I didnt have a come problem . But I have noticed that over the years it does get harder to achieve orgasm why I really dont know could be many reasons perhaps . You said this is a new relationship ( how new? ) maybe this is something you should sit on for a while ( no pun intended ) and see what happens later down the road it just seems a little too soon for this kind of drama in a new relationship . Hey at least he isnt a one minute man lol ..

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    Senior Member GuyPOV's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Quote Originally Posted by threlayer
    You weren't specific enough for any real help from here.

    But maybe he needs more foreplay before penetration to get him really ready. You won't have to mention a thing about the previous times, let him know how much you like his thing and how much playing with it excites you.
    That's so true. The mind is the biggest sexual organ.

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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    a boy that pretends to cum? maybe he's on drugs. it sounds like he has some kind of medical problem, and his inability to cum may just be a symptom of something more serious. i would break up with him in a heartbeat.

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    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    does he let you blow him? (just curious on whether he physically can)

    maybe it's to do with this perception in the young fella's heads that they need to go all night like a lumberjack. i remember a couple of younger beaus that would drag it out and out...

    one claimed to be into tantric blah blah - the other just mentally chose not to in the interests of being some kind of porn star. as if it was some kind of weakness to give in?!?

    neither was particularly alluring. i noticed telling them it was ok not to make a marathon out of it changed things for the better.... it's like they don't realise that sometimes it is painful to just keep on keeping on... and girls don't always think guys are duds if they don't go all night...

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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    My first love couldn't get off. Ever. He also had epilepsy and history of mental illness in the family, very traumatic childhood, lots of stress. He was an amazing person in spite of everything, very sensitive, loving, giving, patient, caring, and frankly mentally and emotionally more stable than a lot of people I met with less turbulence in their lives. Still, it affected him in ways he couldn't control, his sex life. He said he was so used to clutching onto anything that gave him a sense of control over his life, that he just couldn't let go and relax enough. And epilepsy probably played it's own part in it.

    So, if the guy has to fake it and doesn't know himself why he doesn't come, he may need a med. check up, a shrink, and maybe a hypnosis. Sometimes we bury stuff from ourselves, but it still catches up with us... He probably fakes it cuz he's embarrassed.
    "The herd walks off the cliff because the herd are not a group of individuals - the herd is a mass of followers and followers follow the path of cowardice."

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    Veteran Member oulala's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Some very good responses there, thank you.

    He lets me blow him, I've also had more luck getting him off with handjobs. Now that I think of it the main issue has been when we're having intercourse. I told him that sex is a very important part of the relationship sometime just after we began having sex. Maybe that scared him... because I kinda get the impression he pretends to come in order to go at it again in 10-20 minutes. I only realized this after a few ladies' responses. This would make sense, because it also coincides with about the same time his coming suddenly uh stopped.

    Maybe I accidentally put too much pressure on the poor boy? That wasn't what I meant by my comment at all. Hmmm.

    I'll chew on this and have a talk with him.

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    Senior Member LittlePixie's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    I've met quite a few young men with behavior as you describe. All of the times I've encountered such situations, it was because the guys were getting ahead of themselves and rushing instead of paying attention to their bodies and taking their time.

    Not all men come easily, some just can't relax enough or need more stimulation than your average male to achieve orgasm. In both cases, the best remedy is to take it slow. It's often as simple as that!

    Guys that have this problem often view intercourse as a big performance and that it must be high paced to be good. Fast intercourse can often desensitize a guy and prevent him from coming or make him lose his hard on. Still being interested in sex though and horny, after a few minutes break they ready for more action and the cycle repeats.

    Encourage a very slow intercourse and very gradual increase in pace, really almost exagerate it. It'll be hard for both of you to resist the temptation to up the tempo but it's best to, he has to learn to not rush his excitement and desensitize himself instead of coming.

    If during intercourse, you see he's gotten close but no cigar and it's not happening, slow it down again or take a little break and do something else. The key to helping difficult guys climax is all in the build up and momentum, once off the path you pretty much need to start over. Very slow start and very gradual increase in momentum is the most effective solution I've ever experienced by far.

    The faking to come part is understandably unsettling but certainly not anything to do with you, just his inexperience. This is much more common in young men as they're trying to perform up to an imaginary standard and haven't really figured out how their bodies work for them.

    My 2 cents

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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    My boyfriend has a similar problem; although, he doesn't fake cumming. Your boy is probably doing that because he's insecure about, thinking that he's defective or whatever hang up. When you approach the issue make sure to let him know that it's OKAY! Make sure you get across that the sex is good and you're enjoying yourself and that there's nothing wrong with him. Try to make it not sound like a "Aw honey, size doesn't matter" sympathy type talk... Easier said that done.

    As to what's causing it? It's probably not medical since he does cum during blow jobs and hand jobs. There's a few things I'd think about
    1)Is there enough foreplay? I know often times if we're a little to excited and just jump right into the sex he's less likely to come. I may be wrong, but I honestly think some guys just need longer periods of excitement before they come and they get tired out before they can reach that point... foreplay can stretch out the excitement, but doesn't have to be as physcially taxing as the actual sex.
    2)The comments about it being a mental game are right one. Find out some visual things he likes. IE - My guy loves when my boobs are bouncing, or if I play with them. It brings the experience up another level.

    I also used to think it might have a bit to do with his worry about getting me pregnant. That can definitley be mental roadblock, you might try talking to him about that too.

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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    Well, I'm a guy, so here goes.

    Interestingly, I happened onto this site while looking for a quite well-written piece about fitness and diet that had been part of a site called stripperfaq.org which had been forwarded to me a while back, and I wanted to forwarded it on; I was redrected here. I saw that headline, and trust me: no man can resist reading a thread entitled "he pretends to come!" (the excalmation point seals the deal. gives it kind of a tabloid feel: "Angelina wails: "he pretends to come!!")


    Anyway.


    Let me state up front: I have a hard time coming with a woman early in a relationship. All of this talk has led me to consider all the reasons why. Here goes:

    First, I don't fool around, at all, and I've never pursued someone simply to get laid. (I've never seen the point in that, frankly.) As a result, I can have a fair amount of "downtime" between partners; during that time I, you know, self-service. And since sex is important to me, and I love the feeling of coming, sometimes I do it often. And the fact is, it feels different. You think different thoughts, and the entire process... well, I imagine everyone reading this understands the point. So my first observation would be that it can take time-- to get used to a woman's touch, her smell, the way she feels against me. At some point, I begin to associate all that with orgasm. And, of course, I stop masturbating. It just takes a little time. Plus, I would second another male reader's observation that as a man ages, orgasm is more difficult anyway. (but age seems not to be a factor here)

    So my first obseravations would be, A) urge him to lay off the self-service for a while, and B) be patient. Give it time. If he can learn to associate orgasm with you, you're fine.

    But there are so, so many other issues here, not the least of which is the "faking it".

    Me, I just, at some point, after the woman's had an orgasm, let our slowing down turn into a stop. If the woman asks - and I hope she does - I tell her the truth. It's important to me that I pleased her. It's important to me that she knows that she was awesome for me. (which is the truth, by the way). It's interesting, but it never occured to me that a woman could have good sex, be brought to orgasm by a man with a hard-on (who has to be aroused by you in the first place), and would not feel satisfied unless the man ejaculates. As a man, I know there have been times when a woman has made love with me for my sake - all things considered, she was probably more on the team with reading a magazine and going to sleep, but she could tell I was horny and, in a loving way, went ahead and made love for my sake. In such cases, the woman may not "be there" enough to come. (Just so you know... I love her a little more for that.) So that happens to me sometimes as a man. No big deal. (...I thought. But reading this, now, I don't know.)

    But, faking it? It never occured to me to do so, partially for the obvious reason stated here, that with no condom the woman would know. Mostly, though, why lie about something like that? Unless.... you can sense the woman considers it an obligation, and by golly you bettter do it if you don't want her to leave you.

    His faking it is not the problem. Your not calling him on it is the problem. You've started a ccle that is reinforced each time you do it.

    Here's what you do:

    first, think about it. writing this post was a good start. does he bring you to orgasm? would it be ok with you if he never came? why is it so important to you? And, if it is, why don't you tell him? Do you on some level hate or disrespect him for it? Is it an expectation he's not living up to, in your eyes (or heart, or elsewhere)?

    This is potent stuff and not the place for anyhting less than honesty.

    Once you've thoght about it.....

    Just ask him. Be prepared to listen to whatever he says. Even if he lies, or gets hostile.
    Tell him it's important to you, but you're not going to leave him over it.
    Ask him to stop masturbating, if he is. But don't press him on it.
    After your first round, tell him you're too sore to go again (which is probably true...).


    I wonder, though: why does he think he has to? Did he meet you during your line of work? Does he know about your line of work?

    Women, PLEASE trust me on this: however much of an issue you think it is... you're wrong. It's far, far more touchy than whatever you think.

    I would suggest that for most men, men of quality, you'll have a little work to do in terms of their comfort level. You'll have to be patient.

    Mostly, though, you'll have to be honest. Mostly, with yourself. I'f you're not up for that, then dump the guy. If you can't work with tenderness and patience to get through an issue like this, then your options are either hurting him a little now or more later. Choose the first.

    For what it's worth, I think it takes at least a month or two to start having really, really great sex in a relationship.

    Just my thoughts.

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    Veteran Member oulala's Avatar
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    Default Re: He pretends to come!

    I am definitely going to try littlepixie and itsbecca’s suggestions. Thank you. Both suggested great ideas I hadn’t thought of. Taking it slower and doing enough foreplay.

    I feel kind of retarded for not having thought of this before but he came when it dawned on me to turn the lights off. Maybe he's just a little insecure.

    Jpk1234 –I’m not a dancer, but he knows that I have in the past (before we met).


    "does he bring you to orgasm? would it be ok with you if he never came? why is it so important to you? And, if it is, why don't you tell him? Do you on some level hate or disrespect him for it? Is it an expectation he's not living up to, in your eyes (or heart, or elsewhere)?"

    He brings me to orgasm almost every time. I'd be fine if he didnt come occasionally; its the incredulity of his faking it that gets me. Seriously: whats the point??! But he is very much a pleaser, in and out of bed, and seems to put more importance on my pleasure than his own....

    I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him to stop self-servicing as you put it. I feel that's his business and I have no place in going there. Is it possible that it might effect his coming, but not actually affect his ability to get turned on? He can get hard it's just difficult for him to reach the endpoint.

    I have decided I want to stick with him despite this. I don't think all hope is lost. As I said, he did come when I turned the lights off, and again when I was drunk, so it could very well just be nerves and he needs to feel more comfortable with me.

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