For 2006, I resolve:
A) To quit thinking of the following locations as places to meet the opposite sex:
1) STD Clinics
2) Truckdriver conventions
3) Greyhound Bus stations
4) WalMart
5) The Self-Help Section at Barnes and Noble.
B) I furthermore resolve to not use the following as pickup lines in bars:
1) How much?
2) You may not remember me, but we met at the DuPont-Rothschild wedding. You were stunning in a designer gown by Armani, and I was immaculately attired in an orange plaid sportcoat, turquoise seersucker pants, and matching tri-color bowling shoes.
3) Yes, I am a virgin.
C) Finally, I resolve to improve my reputation by no longer engaging in phonesex in the express checkout line at Safeway.



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