So here's the deal. I've been getting horrible panic attacks again. Like in the middle of Super Walmart at 12am while picking out spaghetti sauce. I figure that if I can get out of the store without blacking out and someone calling an ambulance that I'll be fine. So i drive home ok, lay down in my comfy bed, and have more panic attacks just lying there by myself. Good grief!! Here's some info on what it's like. If you haven't had one, this will give you an idea of what it's like... http://www.anxietynetwork.com/pdfacts.html#pdfact1
It's utter terror. Like someone is out to get me and punish me for everything i've done wrong in the last seven or so years.... all crushing down on me in agonizing minute by minute torture while I hyperventilate and wish i could black out. but you never black out because your rapid heart beat actually RAISES your blood pressure. There's nothing you can do but ride it out while all you want to do is crawl out of your skin or grab a knife to end it all because you feel as though you are navigating the depths of hell. The fear of getting another one can actually make you have another one, (as if it can't get any worse!!) Gah...
I've taken the last two nights off of work, and REALLY WANT TO WORK TONIGHT. But...i'm afraid that I will get an attack at work. And let me tell you, dancing is the best thing in my life right now. Nothing makes me feel more free, alive, worthy, happy, and in tune with the world. It's been overall a wonderful experience besides the occaisional crap that comes with the job. I'm worried that if I go to work and have one there, that I will associate the attacks with work and will continue to have them there... and... it will ruin the best thing in my life.
So I made a hard decision. I'm not going back until I can get on anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants. I'm trying to do the best thing that I can for myself. I don't want this anxiety and these panic attacks to run my life. So now starts the wait to get into a doctor to get a prescription. I have an appointment with my psychologist/counselor that knows me from a couple years back and knows my issues. I'm also going to call tomorrow to see the same psychiatric person that originally prescribed this stuff for me last time I had issues with panic attacks and depression.
I can't believe I'm going through this AGAIN. Just when everything in my life seems fine... here we go again. I don't want to quit dancing. I just think it's best to take a break and return when I have some medication under my belt to fight back at this disorder. And then hopefully I can move forward again.
I can afford it financially alright... I just won't be able to pay off my school loans in the timeframe that I originally expected. But that was an artificial deadline anyway.
Does anyone else out there suffer from these? If you do, you'll immediately know what I'm talking about. Generalized anxiety I think I could deal with, but unfortunately, I have a panic disorder. Bah.... why me!!?!?!?!
All I want to do is dance. But I want to do it without the debilitating attacks. I figure that I'll work out at home to keep my body and spirits up, but how boring is that?
Any words of wisdom and/or support would be welcome. I love you ladies (and gents) of SW. What would I do without you all?