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Thread: Five Levels of Sex

  1. #1
    Veteran Member TarynJolie's Avatar
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    Default Five Levels of Sex

    got this via email today . Enjoy

    Five Levels of Sex

    1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
    period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

    2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning
    of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in
    the kitchen on the Table, etc.

    3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a
    bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom
    and lock the door.

    4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase
    in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
    This is also called oral sex by some.

    5. There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This
    is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of
    everyone in the courtroom.

  2. #2
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    Damn.. My Husband and I are out of order then... We've always said "Fuck You", sometimes during sex.. Sometimes just "lovingly" (okay.. anyone who's ever heard us going back & forth while I was on the phone with them, they know it's more than just "sometimes") Haha.

  3. #3
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    Lol...

  4. #4
    Member EroticAngel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    Quote Originally Posted by TarynJolie
    got this via email today . Enjoy

    Five Levels of Sex

    1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
    period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

    2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning
    of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in
    the kitchen on the Table, etc.

    3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a
    bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom
    and lock the door.

    4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase
    in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
    This is also called oral sex by some.

    5. There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This
    is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of
    everyone in the courtroom.

    TJ -- you left out a few:

    Social Security Sex: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

    Loud Sex: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

    Quiet Sex: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

    Confounded Sex: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

    Wedding Anniversary Sex: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.""Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

  5. #5
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    See, that's the problem with my recent ex-boyfriend...after a while, he insisted on only doing it in our bed, and nowhere exciting or risky. When I first met him, we hooked up a lot but weren't actually dating. I kinda liked him better back then, because he was drunk & slutty and allowed me to take advantage of him in public places, such as on top of a hill outside, or in a cab, or in an elevator! Then after a while, he "grew up" and was real concerned about doing it in public places, and said "we have an apartment, why do we need to do it in public and risk getting arrested." Logical yes, but boring!! So then I suggested things in the privacy of our own home, such as the kitchen table, the shower, etc. He was like "there's no point in that when we have a bed." I was just trying to be exciting! I wish the days would return when he would let me take advantage of him in the riverside park, or even take advantage of him in a cemetery like his sluttier brother would allow.
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 06-06-2006 at 07:14 AM.

  6. #6
    Featured Member francescadubois's Avatar
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    Quote Originally Posted by EroticAngel
    Quiet Sex: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

    "I came in like a lamb, but I intend to leave like a lion."

    -Sade
    Quote Originally Posted by Mastridonicus View Post
    The only thing a person hates more than being a sex object, is NOT being a sex object.
    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk View Post
    If you should your way through life you'll be should-ing all over yourself later.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheSexKitten View Post
    Finger pointing is awesome!! No really, it gets things done.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    LOL. I like the SSN Sex as well. Thanks.

  8. #8
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    PhillyDancer, sounds like my ex-husband! He started out great, and then decided to get old and settled. He would only have sex in the bedroom, with all the curtains drawn. He wouldn't even get frisky and make out in the living room if the blinds were up because he didn't want to "put on a show for the neighborhood." Like the whole world is eagerly watching our windows to see what we're up to! And I'm an exhibitionist.

    Fortunately I am now with a guy who is up for anywhere, anytime, and will even push me face first against the open window for sex! Much better!

  9. #9
    Veteran Member dancinslifoxxx17's Avatar
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    That's tooo funny
    It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird

    Blessed Be

  10. #10
    Member stripperskipper's Avatar
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    Default Re: Five Levels of Sex

    lol. so true.

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