I read that post in ladies only. It was hilarious, but lets face it. It's easily transposed.
So, I took the honor...
Rules To Be A Woman
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you like a guy, don't tell him. It's more fun to let her figure it out by himself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your vagina. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as
"Clapper".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to
them.
6. Here's a good pickup move, *Stare*
7. Drink.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it. But be repulsed when conversation is returned.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice giggle will do.
10. Always remember: You are a woman. Therefore, no matter what, it's HIS fault.
11. Lie.
12. Guys find it attractive if a woman has had more men than showers.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will find out you think the guy you're asking for help is cute.
14. Men like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a woman to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a guy, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "He's just not my type."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a guy on the phone, Speak Nonsense. NEVER EVER GET TO THE POINT.
18. TWO WORDS: Giggle and Snort.
19. Everyone finds a woman more attractive if she can write her name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a guy like you is to go after his best friend. He will then see what he's missing and love you for not giving up on him.
21. Tell him you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like "Excuse me?"
23. Overdress, don't inform him, then be disgruntled all evening at your failure to communicate.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "I love you...like you're my borther". BARF
27. If you like a guy, tell all your female friends about him. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your man is obviously cheating on you. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the start of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the start of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your guy before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, tough."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Lie I tell you!!
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, would you like to go out to dinner at *fancy restaurant*?"
Answer: "Yes, If you can tell me what that means and where this relationship is going."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Assume this was the case. You're a woman, no male speaks to you without an undertone of SEX.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things would look in your fantasy house. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of this layout. Measure to make sure it's accurate.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is the start of your vocabulary. Throw it out there every so often as a bait tactic.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 12545 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your best girl friend. When he screws you, Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS make HIM apologize. Even if he NEVER means it. It's called "Brain Washing"
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, So you can hang him from a cross for no real reason. You know, like your girl friend's birthday and eye color or taking the trash out.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. He probably had something to do with its cause anyways.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. Like "Kitty" and "Splooge"
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with his penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! THEY just don't understand YOU, hell NO ONE does. Just your boy, right?
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. And if you are, say you aren't.
59. You are female, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get wine. Drink wine. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more wine. Pass out watching Lifetime.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62. Re-arrange everything get mad when he notices the livingroom change, but not where you put the bear he won for you at the fair in 1938 on your 17th date.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the guy you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell him.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quality or announce his shame.
66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a guy, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is womanly. Then again, if you are a woman, what don't you have to cry about, anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know, what do YOU think." Example: Dinner plans.
70. Men are your tissues. Use them, and throw them away.
71. Remember, Every virgin man is saving himself for YOU. Because OF COURSE, they want to start at the top.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go psycho. I suggest telling him at this moment if you're a dancer and have kept it from him.
74. If your man makes you go shopping with him, continually remind him what YOU'D do if YOU were driving. If this means turning down the stereo, so be it. You will have the coveted "backseat driver" name and others will worship your skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about shoes. Compare with others.
76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your sympathy. Regardless of the justification.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favor:
1. make a big deal about how much you are re-arranging your life to do this, to everyone but the person asking for the favor;
2. remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. Or until you get him to call you.
80. Each penny he saves will be worth at least a dollar for you in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a guy, and he doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If he still doesn't talk to you, flaunt paying attention to another man to him.
82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-girl image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the guy exactly what colors you were thinking for the wedding.
85. When you tell a guy about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a BITCH back then.", Don't worry hun, he'll find out, YOU havn't changed. See #77
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a guy that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want him naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, And go into his dad's room and tell him he should go check on his son. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
87. If a guy breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, he has no right to be upset. Because, you know, HE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and looking like Colin Farrell.
89. Practice your yawn.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91. If you are ever forced to stop showing emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. I.E. Psycho.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your womanly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "Yea, but I don't think it's doing anything for me."
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95. Wine. Then more wine.
96. Put your hands in your back pockets. See if you can make people stare.
97. One word: SHOPPING!
98. Real women verbally beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99. Diss your girl friend for an occaisonal night with the man.
100. LIE.



Reply With Quote







~* 
Bookmarks