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Thread: How to be a Woman

  1. #1
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default How to be a Woman

    I read that post in ladies only. It was hilarious, but lets face it. It's easily transposed.

    So, I took the honor...

    Rules To Be A Woman


    1. Don't call, ever.
    2. If you like a guy, don't tell him. It's more fun to let her figure it out by himself.
    3. Lie.
    4. Name your vagina. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as
    "Clapper".
    5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to
    them.
    6. Here's a good pickup move, *Stare*
    7. Drink.
    8. Play with yourself. Talk about it. But be repulsed when conversation is returned.
    9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice giggle will do.
    10. Always remember: You are a woman. Therefore, no matter what, it's HIS fault.
    11. Lie.
    12. Guys find it attractive if a woman has had more men than showers.
    13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will find out you think the guy you're asking for help is cute.
    14. Men like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
    15. Vanity is the most important trait for a woman to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
    16. If you don't like a guy, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "He's just not my type."
    17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a guy on the phone, Speak Nonsense. NEVER EVER GET TO THE POINT.
    18. TWO WORDS: Giggle and Snort.
    19. Everyone finds a woman more attractive if she can write her name in urine.
    20. One sure way to make a guy like you is to go after his best friend. He will then see what he's missing and love you for not giving up on him.
    21. Tell him you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
    22. Say things like "Excuse me?"
    23. Overdress, don't inform him, then be disgruntled all evening at your failure to communicate.
    24. Lie.
    25. Deny everything. Everything.
    26. Good break up line, "I love you...like you're my borther". BARF
    27. If you like a guy, tell all your female friends about him. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
    28. Don't have a clue.
    29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
    30. No means yes.
    31. Yes means no.
    32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your man is obviously cheating on you. Enforce this rule at all times.
    33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
    34. Much like an orgasm signifies the start of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the start of a relationship.
    35. Feelings? What feelings?
    36. Tell this to your guy before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, tough."
    37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
    38. Lie I tell you!!
    39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, would you like to go out to dinner at *fancy restaurant*?"
    Answer: "Yes, If you can tell me what that means and where this relationship is going."
    40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Assume this was the case. You're a woman, no male speaks to you without an undertone of SEX.
    41. At any given opportunity, point out how things would look in your fantasy house. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of this layout. Measure to make sure it's accurate.
    42. Lie.
    43. "Love" is the start of your vocabulary. Throw it out there every so often as a bait tactic.
    44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 12545 minutes, it's really not worth it.
    45. Diss your best girl friend. When he screws you, Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
    46. Lie.
    47. ALWAYS make HIM apologize. Even if he NEVER means it. It's called "Brain Washing"
    48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
    49. Try to have a good memory, So you can hang him from a cross for no real reason. You know, like your girl friend's birthday and eye color or taking the trash out.
    50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
    51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. He probably had something to do with its cause anyways.
    52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. Like "Kitty" and "Splooge"
    53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
    54. Lie.
    55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
    56. Play with his penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
    57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! THEY just don't understand YOU, hell NO ONE does. Just your boy, right?
    58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. And if you are, say you aren't.
    59. You are female, therefore you are superior.
    60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get wine. Drink wine. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more wine. Pass out watching Lifetime.
    61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
    62. Re-arrange everything get mad when he notices the livingroom change, but not where you put the bear he won for you at the fair in 1938 on your 17th date.
    63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the guy you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell him.
    64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
    65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quality or announce his shame.
    66. Lie.
    67. If you cheat on a guy, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
    68. Crying is womanly. Then again, if you are a woman, what don't you have to cry about, anyway?
    69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know, what do YOU think." Example: Dinner plans.
    70. Men are your tissues. Use them, and throw them away.
    71. Remember, Every virgin man is saving himself for YOU. Because OF COURSE, they want to start at the top.
    72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
    73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go psycho. I suggest telling him at this moment if you're a dancer and have kept it from him.
    74. If your man makes you go shopping with him, continually remind him what YOU'D do if YOU were driving. If this means turning down the stereo, so be it. You will have the coveted "backseat driver" name and others will worship your skills.
    75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about shoes. Compare with others.
    76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your sympathy. Regardless of the justification.
    77. Lie.
    78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
    79. If anyone asks you for a favor:
    1. make a big deal about how much you are re-arranging your life to do this, to everyone but the person asking for the favor;
    2. remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. Or until you get him to call you.
    80. Each penny he saves will be worth at least a dollar for you in the long run.
    81. If you do something really mean to a guy, and he doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If he still doesn't talk to you, flaunt paying attention to another man to him.
    82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-girl image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
    83. Lie.
    84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the guy exactly what colors you were thinking for the wedding.
    85. When you tell a guy about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a BITCH back then.", Don't worry hun, he'll find out, YOU havn't changed. See #77
    86. Here's a good trick. Tell a guy that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want him naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, And go into his dad's room and tell him he should go check on his son. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
    87. If a guy breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, he has no right to be upset. Because, you know, HE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
    88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and looking like Colin Farrell.
    89. Practice your yawn.
    90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
    91. If you are ever forced to stop showing emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. I.E. Psycho.
    92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your womanly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
    93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "Yea, but I don't think it's doing anything for me."
    94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
    95. Wine. Then more wine.
    96. Put your hands in your back pockets. See if you can make people stare.
    97. One word: SHOPPING!
    98. Real women verbally beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
    99. Diss your girl friend for an occaisonal night with the man.
    100. LIE.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  2. #2
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    ANNNNDDD Miss Maxine's additions
    101 DO NOT Deny homoerotic urges. Never EVER make good on the potential.
    102 Lie, lie, lie. What do cats & women have in common? They lie around all the time!!!
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  3. #3
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    ^ Ahahbahahahahahahaahahah!!!

    Be my Beast of Burden.

    But still, I ain't trustin' no man as far as I can throw him.

  4. #4
    Cally
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    OMG that was priceless!

  5. #5
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Yea I actually spent time on that, I'm glad you both liked it.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  6. #6
    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    name that movie: "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability. "


  7. #7
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    ^"As Good As It Gets"

    One of my favorite Jack movies. Woot.

  8. #8
    Cally
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Mast you seriously need something better to do with your time
    Wait no... then you wouldnt entertain us like you do...
    I LOVE YOU MASTY!!!!!!!!

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    Featured Member venusofwillendorf's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    ::must... resist... urge... to stop hating mast.....::

    *(~falls over laughing~)*

    dammit! good one mast.
    be the change you wish to see in the world....
    ~ghandi

    i really love your peaches wanna shake your tree....
    ~steve miller

    why not?
    ~anon

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    omg, that is classic

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    Featured Member Tiff_7_17's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Wowzers.

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    Member EroticAngel's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Touché, Mastridonicus. I begin to understand why all the women here love you so...
    Most people live dejectedly in wordly joys or sorrows. They sit on the sidelines and do not join in the dance. The knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They rise up and fall down again, and this is no mean pastime, nor unpleasant to behold.

    - Søren Kierkegaard, "Fear and Trembling"

  13. #13
    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    OOOOH, How about adding:
    1. We have the vagina, therefore we make the rules
    2. If men don't follow the rules, they get no access to the vagina
    3. Anything a man says can be twisted to make him wrong and the woman right
    4. If a woman cheats in a relationship, it is the man's fault for not following the rules.
    5. Sure, women have good jobs, and the ability to make as much as men, but women have the vagina, so men still pick up the tab.
    6. If a man doesn't make enough money, he is a deadbeat. If the same man works to earn a sufficent income to please a woman, he is negleting her for his a career.
    7. It is a woman's choice to stay home to raise her children, if a man stays home to raise his children while the woman works, he is a deadbeat and depriving his children of attention from their mother.
    8. Never admit to any bodily function other than those associated to menstration.
    9. Use PMS as an excuse to get out of doing any and everything.
    10. Use PMS as an excuse for rude or hostile behavior.
    11. If you are an older woman, use menopause as an excuse
    12. If you are a very old woman, use post menopause as an excuse.
    13. Of course women know how to use power tools, we just don't do it while men are looking.
    14. If a man is watching a woman use a power tool, she is obligated to seriously botch whatever she is working on.
    15. Women hate eating vegetables too. We just try to get you to suffer along with us.


    And the most important rule about being a woman:
    Never tell men the rules. Change the rules frequently so men can never really figure them out.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


  14. #14
    Featured Member venusofwillendorf's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    LOL right on, paris!
    be the change you wish to see in the world....
    ~ghandi

    i really love your peaches wanna shake your tree....
    ~steve miller

    why not?
    ~anon

  15. #15
    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    hahahahahahahaha

  16. #16
    Featured Member sander8son's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    i couldn't even read all of that. i think i got through about 35 of them.

  17. #17
    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Quote Originally Posted by sander8son
    i couldn't even read all of that. i think i got through about 35 of them.
    Just as long as you read and learn the rest before your operation, you should be fine.

  18. #18
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Quote Originally Posted by EroticAngel
    Touché, Mastridonicus. I begin to understand why all the women here love you so...
    EroticAngel: Thanks for the compliment, tho I highly disagree.

    I think you could replace love for 'Tolerate'



    But your post was hilarious, but I could not comment

    Oh... R THOZE WINGZ [email protected]!#[email protected] U R AN ANGLE!


    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    OOOOH, How about adding:
    1. We have the vagina, therefore we make the rules
    See rule #4. You don't call them VAGINAS. However...this IS the trap.
    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    2. If men don't follow the rules, they get no access to the CLAPPER
    3. Anything a man says can be twisted to make him wrong and the woman right
    HOLY SHIT. WHERE WE MARRIED?!
    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    6. If a man doesn't make enough money, he is a deadbeat. If the same man works to earn a sufficent income to please a woman, he is negleting her for his a career.
    From here on, I dub thee Parisdonicus
    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    7. It is a woman's choice to stay home to raise her children, if a man stays home to raise his children while the woman works, he is a deadbeat and depriving his children of attention from their mother.
    see above.
    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    8. Never admit to any bodily function other than those associated to menstration.
    I remember my first discussion about "Flatulance and the Negative Impacts it can have on a Relationship". I laughed so hard I had stretch marks the next day.

    Personally I remember the first time a girl I dated for a long time let one go in front of me. "What was THAT?"


    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    14. If a man is watching a woman use a power tool, she is obligated to seriously botch whatever she is working on.
    ROFL the use of BOTCH made that comedy gold.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    And the most important rule about being a woman:
    Never tell men the rules. Change the rules frequently so men can never really figure them out.
    You, are the thorn of reality amongs the roses of fantasy, my dear sweet Paris.

    Quote Originally Posted by sander8son
    i couldn't even read all of that. i think i got through about 35 of them.
    How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Lets go ride bikes.
    Last edited by Mastridonicus; 01-20-2006 at 03:10 PM.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  19. #19
    Member EroticAngel's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Quote Originally Posted by Mastridonicus
    I think you could replace love for 'Tolerate'
    See Rule 43.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mastridonicus
    Oh... R THOZE WINGZ REAL?
    Excuse me?
    (EroticAngel giggles fetchingly...)
    (See Rules 9 & 22).
    Most people live dejectedly in wordly joys or sorrows. They sit on the sidelines and do not join in the dance. The knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They rise up and fall down again, and this is no mean pastime, nor unpleasant to behold.

    - Søren Kierkegaard, "Fear and Trembling"

  20. #20
    Senior Member contheboyalready's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    OOOOH, How about adding:
    ...
    14. If a man is watching a woman use a power tool, she is obligated to seriously botch whatever she is working on.
    .
    Exception to rule: vibrator.

  21. #21
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Quote Originally Posted by EroticAngel
    See Rule 43.


    Excuse me?
    (EroticAngel giggles fetchingly...)
    (See Rules 9 & 22).
    Smooth EroticAngel....
    Real smooth.

    And what's worse? If I where in front of you, knowing and partially authoring said rules, I'd still bite like a lost hungry puppy thrown a milkbone.

    Mast
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  22. #22
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    sheeit *snapzfinguhzbuttclaps*
    da last tha(w)ng i need is a tutorial on how to be a woman

  23. #23
    Featured Member hannah83's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    ahahahahaha Mast, that's too funny
    There's a wild side behind every innocent face.

    End violence against women.
    I support Dottie.


  24. #24
    Featured Member bambiblue's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    This thread is hilarious!!!!! I almost spit up what I was drinking when I read Paris's additions...lol.

  25. #25
    Featured Member DSUsb19's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to be a Woman

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    8. Never admit to any bodily function other than those associated to menstration.
    14. If a man is watching a woman use a power tool, she is obligated to seriously botch whatever she is working on.
    Damn, and here I thought I was a woman all along. I have owned more farts than a retirement home.
    *~If you play with reservation, you never play to your full potential.~*

    *~In wine there is wisdom.
    In beer there is freedom. In water there is bacteria. ~*

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