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Thread: Advice for cohabitation?

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Advice for cohabitation?

    When the lease expires in May, my boyfriend and I are going to move into separate places. We are not going to break up, nor are we fighting. Rather, we feel that we'll appreciate the time spent together, and that we'll have more individual time. We also want to live the bachelor/bachelorette life before possibly making a big plunge, and feel like we've built our lives and careers on our own. I hope that this isn't a sign of gradual demise.

    I've come up with some pointers in my experience of cohabitating. Anyone care to add anything?

    1) Cohabitate for love and nothing else. A hidden variable that causes statsitics to show that couples who cohabitate tend to break up is because couples may cohabitate out of necessity or convenience rather than love. Feelings of obligation or codependency may arise. I can attest to this. If it wasn't for my bf, I'd still be living with my parents in Pennsylvania. I had a hard time getting on my feet, and he supported me for a while. I got depressed because I felt like a huge burden, and he started to get frustrated. I currently owe him several months in back rent, about $2000. I'm currently working fulltime till I get into nursing school, but it's still a hell of a debt to pay off.
    2) Avoid making joint purchases, because if you move out, it'll be easier to decide who gets to keep what. Even if you're not breaking up, it's still like a mini-divorce.
    3) Keep a few months of living expenses handy in case you're out of work. Owing rent causes lots of friction in any relationship.
    4) Keep in mind that when not cohabitating, going home means "me time." When cohabitating, going home means "us time." Keep up a life independent from your significant each other, but make sure to spend quality time with each other as well.

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    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Here's something I need to heed if I ever decide to co-habitat with a SO:
    * If there is two of you moving into a unit/apartment/townhouse/what-have-you.. make sure it is a 2 bedroom place or at least one bedroom plus study. It is good to have a room which either or both of you can use as a 'get away/solitary' room esp. if you are like me (someone who craves hibination away from people so I can be social/perky)

    This will allow the either or both of you to have a room where you can be yourself and still be an individual plus it will be of assitance during 'upheavals' in the relationship when you need to get away from each other.


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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Have backup plans in case you split. I've asked my aunt and uncle to let me stay with them for a couple months until I find another place in case something goes wrong.

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    Veteran Member Jenna78's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Quote Originally Posted by Krazyjane
    2) Avoid making joint purchases, because if you move out, it'll be easier to decide who gets to keep what. Even if you're not breaking up, it's still like a mini-divorce.
    Yea, when my bf and I broke up I had to buy a ton of stuff and it did feel like a divorce.

    I'll add--Don't borrow money from your so. He suggested that I use his $ to pay off some debt of mine, and pay him back slowly. Well, when we broke up he wanted it all back at once and I had to borrow it from my parents.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    *Don't go into cohabitation expecting your SO to look perfect all the time. People fart, shit, pee, menstruate, get BO, and grow body hair when they don't have time to shave, even girls. I have an ex who would make disparaging remarks about how women should keep themselves presentable at all times after I didn't shave my legs one day. We were contemplating living together, good thing I didn't. Asshole.

    *Even if you've never even lived with a family member of the opposite sex, that's no excuse to get babyishly freaked out about the bloody tampon that didn't flush the first time.

    *When living together, there'll be constant sex whenever you want, right? I wish.

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    Veteran Member ksalerio's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Yes it is proven that couples who cohabitate are more likely to split.

    But the main reason this is true that all the studies point out is just because the same people who tend to cohabitate are also the same people who are more likely to get a divorce. For example, more religious people tend not to cohabitate and are more against divorce.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Quote Originally Posted by ksalerio
    Yes it is proven that couples who cohabitate are more likely to split.

    But the main reason this is true that all the studies point out is just because the same people who tend to cohabitate are also the same people who are more likely to get a divorce. For example, more religious people tend not to cohabitate and are more against divorce.
    Exactly. My own grandmother pointed this out to me. She's not the sweet granny who bakes cookies type, this woman is a feminist and an active member of many community projects. She's not shy about things either. She advocated breastfeeding in the 50s and 60s when it was considered vulgar and lowly, and she taught me more sex ed than my parents did. While my parents taught me about the sperm and the egg, my grandmother taught me about birth control, commitment, premarital sex, lovemaking vs sex, and cohabitation. I remember at age 9, she once told me that my aunt and her fiance were living together and were having premarital sex and that they were testing the waters before marriage. Hearing the word "sex," I got squeamish and asked her to please stop, which she did, but I'm still glad that she showed me the shades of gray. In fact, she was the first family member who I told about the cohabitation. She had already met my bf and fell in love with him because he called her ma'am, got her chair for her, and helped her with her coat (she's from Boston and my bf's a Texas boy, need I say more?). I asked her how she felt about it, and she told me that although such things were just not done in her days, she accepts that times are changing, and she finds it disgusting that some families would rather disown their children than accept the situation. She did emphasize that although he is welcome to family reunions, we will be sleeping in different rooms. I told her that that was a given. I'm glad that she's so supportive.

    By the way, your point is known as a hidden variable in stastistical terms.

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    Featured Member venusofwillendorf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    remember not to let yourself go completely, too. yes, you have to feel comfortable enough to not have to wear makeup to bed and be able to menstruate! lol. but if either one completely gives up on the idea of trying to be decent for the other- stops saying excuse me, leaves underwear all over the place, doesn't flush, won't take showers, etc. it becomes a huge problem.
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    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    My operational theory has become that there's nothing inherently wrong with either men or women, it's just not a good idea to store them in the same box.

    I, while married, often thought it would have made a lot of sense just to buy a duplex and each live in one side.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    ^^^^YES!!! I absolutely agree!

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    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Or even buy a two storey house with one bedroom upstairs and another downstairs or townhouses side by side or across the road from each other... or even units in the same complex (not necessarily the same floor tho' if you could do that.. it would be ideal as well). These are all viable solutions - I do not see why it is so necessary for couples to live together.

    Never understood that.


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    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    When I was 18, my BF and I wanted to move in together...My mom told me something that I will never forget, and I tell all my girlfriends the same thing...

    "Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free??"

    Think about it ladies..







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    ^Cin makes a good point.

    In my case, though, moving in together has worked out great. Mox moved in with me when we were 19 (almost 20). By that time we had already been together almost 6 years, so we knew each other pretty well. Living together, though, is a totally different experience. Some of the little things he did really irked me at first, but I got over them with time.

    I guess it's all about what kind of relationship you have. We're registered common law, but we haven't bothered to go through the whole wedding thing. We'll get around to it later, but right now we'd rather focus on getting a house and other things we see as more important. Don't count on what I'm saying too much, though, because I've been with the same person since jr. high! (I think I should make that an official disclaimer!)

  14. #14
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Quote Originally Posted by cinammonkisses
    When I was 18, my BF and I wanted to move in together...My mom told me something that I will never forget, and I tell all my girlfriends the same thing...

    "Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free??"

    Think about it ladies..
    Well, I personally am not a cow, nor am I for sale. And I enjoy a good glass of milk, too.

    I was married before - been there, done that, wore out the T-shirt. I have ZERO interest in repeating the experience. I live with my bf because I enjoy what we have, and I don't need a piece of paper to validate it, and if we do break up it is certainly a hell of a lot easier. Plus, with rent prices being what they are, there's no point paying double rent when we spend so much of our free time together anyway; we might as well share rent.

    The phrase you quote gets on my nerves because this is NOT the day and age when women trade sex to men so they will "purchase" and support us. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself, and I do. He's with me because he enjoys the sex and my company, and I'm with him because I enjoy the sex and his company. And there's not a damn thing wrong with that.

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    Featured Member venusofwillendorf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    amen, yekhefah. my sentiments exactly.
    be the change you wish to see in the world....
    ~ghandi

    i really love your peaches wanna shake your tree....
    ~steve miller

    why not?
    ~anon

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    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah
    The phrase you quote gets on my nerves because this is NOT the day and age when women trade sex to men so they will "purchase" and support us. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself, and I do. He's with me because he enjoys the sex and my company, and I'm with him because I enjoy the sex and his company. And there's not a damn thing wrong with that.
    Well I'm sorry if my quote gets on your nerves...Well...now that I think about it actually I'm not

    Listen, the quote is not about making a purchase of anything. My post isn't about the sex trade at all. For you to have so much education Yek, I would think you would've figured that out. My post was in reference to KrazyJane.

    Quote Originally Posted by KrazyJane
    I've come up with some pointers in my experience of cohabitating. Anyone care to add anything?

    1) Cohabitate for love and nothing else. A hidden variable that causes statsitics to show that couples who cohabitate tend to break up is because couples may cohabitate out of necessity or convenience rather than love. Feelings of obligation or codependency may arise. I can attest to this. If it wasn't for my bf, I'd still be living with my parents in Pennsylvania. I had a hard time getting on my feet, and he supported me for a while. I got depressed because I felt like a huge burden, and he started to get frustrated. I currently owe him several months in back rent, about $2000. I'm currently working fulltime till I get into nursing school, but it's still a hell of a debt to pay off.
    2) Avoid making joint purchases, because if you move out, it'll be easier to decide who gets to keep what. Even if you're not breaking up, it's still like a mini-divorce.
    3) Keep a few months of living expenses handy in case you're out of work. Owing rent causes lots of friction in any relationship.
    4) Keep in mind that when not cohabitating, going home means "me time." When cohabitating, going home means "us time." Keep up a life independent from your significant each other, but make sure to spend quality time with each other as well.
    Like I said, I posted my throughts in reference of what she has written. "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" is something that alot of women need to think about it. How many women do you know who have been living with their man for X amount of years, and ARE STILL waiting on him to marry her ass? I understand that not all women or men want to get married...I have no problem with people been commonlaw marriages. But I do think women need to look at that quote when they sit back and wonder why they have been with this man and not even married yet.







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


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    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Well, I'm going to suggest that attempting to own the means of production for any or all of the myriad of products that we may need or desire on a one time or recurring basis can become cumbersome, impractical, and downright irritating after a time.

    Possibly better just to pick up a gallon of milk once a week.

    Besides, does anyone really want to live with a cow?

    And Goldcoast girl, the arguement against different rooms in the same house is that you'd still share the same thermostat and eventully get tired of seeing the clutter that the other thinks is decorative, necessary, or fun. With the duplex, you could put in one of those double door systems that you find in hotels. It requires both sides to unlock their door to allow contact. A lot like the fail safe in a missle silo, where both missle officers need to turn their key at the same time to get a launch.

    Yekhefah, as a member of the formerly married club, you must recognize that the intensity of desire for the constant physical presence of any one person fades over time. Not to say that you don't like them any more, but I think the system begins to fight for equilibrium. You know, you start to need space. You want to see the friends that you forgot existed for awhile. The financial arguement is probably the most valid, but also the biggest trap.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

  18. #18
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    I think the key to a great relationship, whether you live together or not, is a life of your own outside the relationship.

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    Veteran Member Emiliana's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    Another thing to consider is the creation of false intimacy when it isnt there....too much too soon is kryptonite for relationships...just remeber to have a life and not be available to your partner 24/7...they WILL appreciate you more and stay more interested
    Emiliana



  20. #20
    Tart
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    Default Re: Advice for cohabitation?

    In my 3 failed live in situations and the entering of the MOST fucked one of them all (I'll do everyone a favor and post about it in another thread. ).. here is what i've learned.

    1. If you have a basement/recroom... Just go ahead and give it to him. seriously. Because this way all his shit like records ... computer equipment ..band equipment..doesnt find itself in your living room.

    By giving him his own room it gives him his cave to retreat into , and you can deco the rest of the house any way you please

    2. Dont snoop through ANYTHING. when in doubt get the fuck out. Going through peoples stuff is super shadey and rude as hell. If you think he's cheating then ask and if you still doubt it and feel odd..get out.

    and dont get mad that he kept things from his ex...

    3. Do store away memories of your ex's. No one needs to see this stuff. it's your past.

    4. Remember to flush ( this goes for both. )

    5. As it was mentioned above. Always but always have 1 month of rent and a deposit saved . Just incase .

    6. And I will always be the head of the lease. NO ONE ELSE is on it. meaning I have free reign to kick any cheating, lying lazy ass out of the house without hassle.

    7. Wash your own knickers.

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