Results 1 to 21 of 21

Thread: A couple of cheesy jokes

  1. #1
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    4,183
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 14 Times in 12 Posts

    Default A couple of cheesy jokes

    Here is a couple of jokes about us folks from NC.

    NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of
    North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.

    Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

    The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

    The owner of a golf course in North Carolina was confused
    about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
    He called her into his office and said,

    "You graduated from the University of North Carolina and I need some help.
    If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

    " The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

    You gotta love those North Carolina women.

  2. #2
    Member charismaticenigma's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2005
    Location
    Near Kokomo, Indiana
    Posts
    29
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Those are pretty good. I have a friend that will call into my show at least once a month with what we call "Rimshot Theater". He basically will either tell a bunch of simple "Walked into a Bar" jokes, or a longer joke like those two. He told one last week that was too funny, and I think I'll share it:

    A man walked into a store and asked the clerk for some Polish Sausage. The clerk asked the man if he was Polish, and the man became very upset. He screamed at the clerk YES I AM POLISH!! So what? If I asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for beer, would you ask if I was German? The clerk looked at the floor and said well....no. The man then asked, well then why did you ask if I was Polish? The clerk then looked at him and said because sir, this is Home Depot.

    I'm sure someone will be offended by that, but I thought it was funny.
    Charismatic Enigma

  3. #3
    Senior Member LilAlize's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2006
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    108
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    I am from Durham NC. What part are you from?

  4. #4
    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    1,424
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 10 Times in 8 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    hahahaha those were cute!!
    Take the road less traveled- just make sure you have a map.

  5. #5
    God/dess kitana's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2004
    Location
    kentucky
    Posts
    3,582
    Thanks
    49
    Thanked 60 Times in 43 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by charismaticenigma
    Those are pretty good. I have a friend that will call into my show at least once a month with what we call "Rimshot Theater". He basically will either tell a bunch of simple "Walked into a Bar" jokes, or a longer joke like those two. He told one last week that was too funny, and I think I'll share it:
    A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Quote Originally Posted by ExoticEngineer View Post
    Feel like a damn salt lick at the goats petting zoo!
    <08SM>

  6. #6
    Member charismaticenigma's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2005
    Location
    Near Kokomo, Indiana
    Posts
    29
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Ha!! I love that one!! How about these:

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

    A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of JOKE?!"

    A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey man, you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper looks at him and says "You have a drink named Stanley?"

    Thank you!! I'm here all week. Try the veal!! And don't forget to tip your waitress...just don't tip her over!!
    Charismatic Enigma

  7. #7
    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Hurricane Wasteland,Louisiana
    Posts
    8,088
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 19 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    The Juggler and The Cop

    A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

    "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" Asks the cop.

    "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" Says the doubtful cop.

    "Lets see you do it."

    The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

    A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking.

    Look at the test they're giving now!"
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




  8. #8
    AudreyLeigh
    Guest

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    ^^^ good one!

  9. #9
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Tampa
    Posts
    4,035
    Thanks
    278
    Thanked 586 Times in 346 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit says "No." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

  10. #10
    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    1,424
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 10 Times in 8 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    ^^^^^ hahahaha I love that one!!
    Take the road less traveled- just make sure you have a map.

  11. #11
    God/dess sxybrat07's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2006
    Location
    in yer bum
    Posts
    3,827
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 12 Times in 11 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    A piece of string walks into a bar and the bar tender says, we don't allow string in here, get out! So the string goes outside, twists himself up and rubs himself all over the sidewalk. He walks back into the bar, and the bartender says, HEY! Aren't you that piece of string I just threw out??? String says: Nope, I'm a frayed knot.

    Har dee har har har
    I believe you Dottie and you have my support

  12. #12
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Delaware
    Posts
    108
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

    The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
    ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend
    a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

    The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

    The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
    something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

    One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

    The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

    The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
    a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!

  13. #13
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Delaware
    Posts
    108
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Friendship among women:

    A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.

    None of them know about it.

    Friendship among men:

    A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and two claim he's still there.

  14. #14
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Delaware
    Posts
    108
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Last one for now..

    Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he
    wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

    "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

    "It's not that easy," said St. Peter.
    "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

    Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a
    nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

    "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.

    But now he felt like his rear end was going to blow. Then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

    "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

    "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

    "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

    Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop', an
    egg was on the ground.

    "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

    The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

  15. #15
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    13,855
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    The best thing about Polish jokes, you can always replace Pollack with Aggie, and no one will be offended. Hell, the Aggies certainly won't get it. That's not a joke, just an observation......

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

  16. #16
    exotisch23
    Guest

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

    The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

    THE STORY:

    (first paragraph by Rebecca)
    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much that her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)
    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)
    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

    (Gary)
    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

    (Rebecca)
    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

    (Gary)
    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)
    A-hole.

    (Gary)
    Bitch

    (Rebecca)
    F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

    (Gary)
    Go drink some tea - whore.

    (TEACHER)
    A+ - I really liked this one

  17. #17
    exotisch23
    Guest

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do.
    Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'.

    On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the typed note:

    Dear Madam:

    Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

    1) it had never been occupied
    2) that there was plenty of heat
    3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

    However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

    Dear Sir,

    First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

  18. #18
    Member charismaticenigma's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2005
    Location
    Near Kokomo, Indiana
    Posts
    29
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says...ok, I'll let you in here, but don't go startin' anything.

    HAHAHA!!! I KILL ME!!!
    Charismatic Enigma

  19. #19
    God/dess Malibu's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,117
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 14 Times in 10 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    A piece of string walks into a bar.
    He says to the bartender, "a pint of your finest please!".
    Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve string here".
    The piece of string, feeling sad, slumps away. Next time he tries on a fake moustache and walks into the bar and says "bartender, a pint of your finest please!".
    Bartender says, "Fuck off mate, you're that silly piece of string again. Your fake 'tache doesn't fool me."
    Feeling more pissed off and not to be outdone, the piece of string marches off in a hissyfit. He thinks about a new disguise and comes up with an idea. He decides to twist himself around and mess up his hair. Looking in the mirror he's satisfied he can get served at the bar this time. So he walks into the bar and says to the bartender "bartender, a pint of your finest please!".
    Bartender is actuallya little confused. He thinks it's the piece of string but isn't sure. Then he asks "are you that silly piece of string that was in here before?"
    Piece of string looks at him all quizzically and says, "sorry sir, I'm a frayed knot".


    It's a really old one but it still tends to get a laugh or two.
    You are the envy
    of all parallel lines that
    dream of curves and convergence
    - Sara Bailey: Sieve of Words

  20. #20
    Senior Member kirbie_kyle's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    181
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    There once was a dying old man who had three daughters. One day, his first daughter came to his bedside and asked "Father, why did you name me Rose?" "Well my dear," he replied, "on the day of your birth your mother took you into the garden and a rose fell on your face." The next day, her younger sister went to the old man and asked "Father, why did you name me Daisy?" "Well, on the day you were born, a daisy fell on your face and you played with it." The third day, the youngest sister went to her father and said "RAAAAAAAAARARARGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" to which her father replied "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"

  21. #21
    God/dess MrChristopher's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2004
    Location
    philadelphia suburbs (delaware, actually)
    Posts
    4,857
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts

    Default Re: A couple of cheesy jokes

    So...Two baby seals walk into a club. ::rimshot::

    waffles are just pancakes with little squares on them.

Similar Threads

  1. Couple Shows WITHOUT a Couple Account
    By Lady Xplicit18 in forum Camming Connection
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 09-06-2011, 03:28 PM
  2. Replies: 10
    Last Post: 10-17-2008, 01:54 PM
  3. What cheesy music did you................
    By ArmySGT. in forum Music Mix
    Replies: 54
    Last Post: 02-13-2008, 08:59 PM
  4. My cheesy commercial
    By funlatina82 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 01-13-2007, 03:42 PM
  5. Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here
    By lethalsoul in forum General Board
    Replies: 158
    Last Post: 06-14-2004, 09:16 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •