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Thread: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

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    Default Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    I love to travel! I moved to Australia back in 2003 for a year and after two months I needed more money to travel throughout the country so I started dancing off and on to pay to travel Oz. I loved how dancing gave me the financial ability to do this and it was the only way that I could have. But I think it has messed with my thinking of how to find me the relationship that I am so anxiously wanting to get into.

    I've done some self realization lately since I have retired from dancing (I danced off and on for a year, moved home to Canada and danced for a 5 months to get established). Over the course of travelling for a year and a half.....when I was meeting new groups of backpackers and travelling, I quickly found myself getting involved with guys. I would end up having casual sex with them,,,,,we'd part, I'd travel to a new area, meet new people at hostels and end up sleeping with someone else. The cycle continued. Sometimes I wouldn't even be attracted to them after. I started building walls though,,,,I wouldn't let people get too close to me because I know they were only temporary in my life.

    But when I moved home I found that I was so lonely and after going to 6 of my friends weddings in a years time I was ready to find a good guy to settle down with. The problem was, I kept the same cycle of meeting guys, sleeping with them early and then they either didn't call again or I quickly decided that I wasn't intersted and moved on. Easier then getting hurt, thus building walls. I think that from dancing I started to think that in order to get a partner to want to be with me,,,I had to be sexual with them. And when you are used to getting naked, if you add that you are attracted to someone, mix in your own comfortableness of being sexual, the sex happened early and I think hurt my chances of developing a solid foundation for a relationship. Over the year and a half that I was away, I feel I was very promiscous. I slept with 13 guys. Since returning home, I've gone from one relationship to the next with the same frustration. I'd sleep with them maybe after the first week, sometimes sooner, then realized that it wasn't meant to be, move on to the next and the cycle would continue with a new guy every other month. I've been home for a year now and this has happened 7 more times!

    Can any of you relate to this type of behavior? I think stripping has kinda messed with my ability to relate to men outside the club and I find I do in the only way I know how, by being physical.......Please help

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    Featured Member xbloodydewdropx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    is it possible you're afraid of committment? although you may think you *want* a long-term and stable relationship now, if you have these barriers that you speak of, your actions and desires aren't in sync. it could be that you've created these defense mechanisms in order to protect you from threats (real or imagined), and that you sabotage your relationships by starting and stopping them so quickly. interacting with men outside and inside the club are very different. it's good that you are thinking about this stuff and realize that this cycle exists. there are some self-help books (although some are complete trash) that might help clarify things....or a therapist can be helpful...nothing wrong with finding an objective ear to listen to you. or more introspection. don't worry about feeling like you're promiscuous according to society's standards...that could lead to needless guilt. think about how it makes you feel personally.

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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    I feel ya! I was the same kinda way w/o that many parters and such. I once found a guy (thought it was soul mate) and quit dancing and traveling for him,to be with him. But I grew bored and missed traveling and making bank dancing so i guess "setteling" isn't for everyone. (not me) I guess for me,it was wanting something i thought i couldn't have,but when i got it,like everything else it didnt mean that much anymore.

    I gotta also say,I have no "walls",just like it my way,my terms. I hope you find your answers your looking for.

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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    I was in sort of the same situation after I got out of my abusive relationship. I was only 18 at the time, and I realized that I needed to learn to love myself before I could establish intimacy with other men. I personally don't think that dancing has affected your ability to be in a healthy relationship - many dancers have happy marriages and many non dancers have this same problem. I think the best thing that you can so for yourself is to take some time, not just a few weeks or so, but 4 or 5 months and dont sleep with anyone. Try to figure out what makes you feel happy, travel, meet new people, tell your friends and family how much they mean to you, maybe even go back to school. I promise you will become more confident and realize that you don't need mans approvial for your worthiness.

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    Smiley Getting there......

    Thanks girls, I appreciate your words of wisdom. I read a post that a fellow dancer said that she felt that when you are getting naked and you sit on guys laps everyday for work, it's harder to hold back the bases with a new boyfriend and I could totally relate.....Now that I have recognized the pattern more I am going to make sure that I tone myself down a bit..... and let a connection develop before rounding the bases! I guess when you are in that pattern it's hard to see yourself doing it until you get to the point that I have of just being frustrated with the outcomes being the same all the time.

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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    Yes. Good idea. Tone down that readiness to hop in bed with anyone (well, not just anyone, but too many) and be patient enough to learn what you need to know about a person first. You can learn to care again, but you must learn to appreciate the full person first. It might take some time, but you can get there. Amazing how much those dumb parental suggestions turn out to be something valuable after all.

    Sex is an awful lot of fun. But is something to share, not just to take.
    Last edited by threlayer; 02-13-2006 at 08:24 PM.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    You don't have to be a dancer to be like that. I was pretty slutty before I ever started dancing. I called it the shotgun approach to dating.

    I was frequently sleeping with men on the first date- or worse picking up guys at bars and going home with them right then.

    If you truly want a long term realtionship, you need to start shopping for men. Decide what you want and then go look for it. Make a list of qualities you wish for in a mate. You list should look like this:
    1. Must haves- These personality traits are not optional. For instance- similar sense of humor to you. Similar reglious beliefs or similar political beilefs. One of my Must haves was that I had to find the person very attractive and sexy. I could just not be happy in a realtionship where I did not find the other person attractive.
    2. Optional traits- these are nice but not nessessary for you to have a happy relationship. I would include hobbies in this part of your hunt for your perfect mate. Your preference would be that he would enjoy backpacking, but you can live without it etc.
    3. The "Absolutely Not" traits. If you are a recovering addict or alcoholic, it wouldn't be wise to date someone who has a drinking problem. Or if you are strongly religious, again it wouldn't be wise to date someone who is strongly aethisist.

    I sat down, made my list of traits that I wanted in my sould mate. I looked at it and said "yeah, right... Like that guy actually exists."

    But after making that list, I started really looking at the men I was dating. I didn't waste as much emotional energy with the wrong person. Two or three months after I completed my list, my soul mate came into my life. We've been together for almost 9 years now, and are as in love as ever. I can't imagine life w/o him.

    I know that the way I found him sounds so unromantic, but now I have all the romance and love in my life that I could ever ask for.

    I would like to throw in an analogy here:
    You can get rich by playing the lottery- but the chances aren't good.
    You can get rich by starting a business- but you must plan out how you are going to run your business, and stick to your plan, or it will all fall apart.

    I see finding your soul mate the same way. Some people get lucky and win the relationship lottery but the odds are 1 in 146,107,962.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    I started dancing when i was 16..i know it's young..
    I can't say i can answer to any of this but i can say that it changed me dramatically!...the way i looked at not only men but the world.... You realise that not everything is simple black and white. There is always something going on underneath.

    I did the same thing as far as guys were concerned, but lucky for me i realised it quickly.

    The only conclusion i've had out of it so far is that subconscously you do only what that guy your out with on that night is intending to do. I think through dancing most girls just take the upper hand and make sure they do it first so that they don't feel used. am i wrong? i don't know but it's the only thing i've come up with so far.

    BUT believe me...no matter how 'slutty' you are or were, i believe that when the right one comes along you will know it.

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    Default Re: Help, stripping has affected my abilty to find a soul mate!

    There are women in Daytona, in and out of the SC's, who would make your self-image (based on numbers of men slept with) look positively virginal, lol...

    I do think dancing--or for the guys, just working in stripclubs--makes it a lot easier to put up those walls. It is a predatory, superficial environment. Everyone judges each other on appearance or, in the case of guys, 'studliness', etc.

    Things like trust or compassion will get you slammed and walked all over in a heartbeat. So everyone develops a hardened shell, and it can be difficult to open up and be relaxed with someone, other than just for casual sex.

    It's one of the biggest drawbacks to the industry. Time and time again I work with newbies who are so sweet and kind and open, only to see them hardened and jaded and closed-off, after 6 months. They may have to do it to survive, but it is kind of sad to see.

    So it goes...
    Last edited by Djoser; 02-13-2006 at 06:38 PM. Reason: typos, what else is new...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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