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Thread: complicated

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    Default complicated

    My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. During that time I developed feelings for one of the bouncers at the club (I know, I know bad idea.) We went out once and ended up having sex. Last night I decided to get back together with my boyfriend. I told him everything that happened while we were apart. I called the bouncer and told him that my boyfriend and I were back together. My question is, now my boyfriend doesn't want me dancing at the club. He says that he's ok with me dancing at another club, but that he doesn't want me to be around the other guy. I don't want to dance anywhere else because I like the club and the people and I wouldn't make as much money anywhere else. Should I tell him that I am not leaving the club, or should I be sensitive to his feelings and work somewhere else? I do want to be with him, but I don't want to change clubs. What do you guys think?

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    Featured Member lizlizliz's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    I don't blame you for not wanting to switch clubs but I also understand your boyfriend's line of thinking. I don't really have any advice for you, sorry. Good luck.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    Maybe make a compromise and only work shifts when that one bouncer isn't there.

    Thank you for posting this, as I think a lot of people don't really think through the results of their actions before getting involved in a work place love affair.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    it seems reasonable that a person would want to keep their partner away from someone who has been proven to be competition.

    i would be seething if my partner went to work each day with someone he just boned - if only for some fun.

    take your little 'shopping list of factors' and work out your priorities:

    1) self-respect: will staying with the job near the bouncer make you feel better or worse as time goes on. a daily reminder...

    2) money: how old you are and your available income-earning years in this job and whether changing down clubs is in your best interests

    3) love: treating a person as you would want to be treated. is it in your best interests to protect this relationship - or is it a dalliance that will probably fizzle out over this anyway?

    once you work out what is the most important thing to you - the answer should be clear. none of us really knows your specific relationship circumstances so i suppose you have some weighing up to do...

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    Senior Member forevernaked's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    If there is another club nearby where you can make the same amount of money, I'd say make the switch. You can always switch back if you two break up again.

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    Default Re: complicated

    What you did with the bouncer was done while the two of you were apart. If you can work there without feeling the need to bed your bouncer friend then I would stay. Your boyfriend is trying to control something he should not. He has every right to put in his two cents when you are together and something happens that he doesn't like but when you are apart anything goes.

    I would ask my SO not to perform certian activities with people she works with but I would never be so controlling as to tell her she couldn't work somewhere. That is unacceptable.

    Trust and brutal unflinching honesty are absolutely required for any relationship to thrive and it just doesn't sound like you have his trust.

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    Veteran Member azcustomer's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    Controlling:

    Personally, I'm uncomfortable telling a SO what she can/cannot or should/shouldnot do.

    Mixing work with relationships is always difficult - I've never been able to do it successfully myself. (I now follow the Kosher deli rule - don't get your meat where you get your bread)

    Have a talk w/the bouncer about the need to keep things professional in the future. Tell him how important work is to you.

    Tell your boyfriend that you understand and respect his feelings but you also need to work and that place is your fav.

    If you keep a friendship w/the bouncer OTC, all you'll be doing is playing them both.

    Best of luck.

  8. #8
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Re: complicated

    I agree with Paris. I understand not wanting to change clubs... I think thats a fair compromise and in a couple months this will all die down and you can go back to working whichever shifts you want...

    Good luck hun!
    Last edited by AudreyLeigh; 02-15-2006 at 01:19 PM.

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    Senior Member kittensgirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    Geeze your man must feel really good now. Not only did you tell him you had it off with someone else while you were apart, you gave him the gory details! No wonder he isn't wrapped with you working with this guy. Hey are you gunna give him the run down if you get drunk and do it again with the bouncer you obviously like and already been intimate with? Sheesh, some things really are best kept to yourself and this is really one of those things you should have shut up about. But hey, you don't have a guilty conscious now, better your feelings than his, right?
    Your man is definately a god if he can handle you working close to an ex-lover. Move clubs.

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    Quote Originally Posted by kittensgirl
    Geeze your man must feel really good now. Not only did you tell him you had it off with someone else while you were apart, you gave him the gory details! No wonder he isn't wrapped with you working with this guy. Hey are you gunna give him the run down if you get drunk and do it again with the bouncer you obviously like and already been intimate with? Sheesh, some things really are best kept to yourself and this is really one of those things you should have shut up about. But hey, you don't have a guilty conscious now, better your feelings than his, right?
    Your man is definately a god if he can handle you working close to an ex-lover. Move clubs.
    I agree with this.This is why you should never mix work and personal lives.Yeah,he might be hot,but you gotta be stronger than that.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




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    Veteran Member logan820's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    have to agree with switching clubs it is a compromise, and you can't really expect your bf to deal w/ you being w/ the bouncer if you really want to make the relationship work, i would switch clubs

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    Default Re: complicated

    thanks for the advice! i am still unsure about what to do but i will figure it out. oh and btw, he asked for the gory details, i didn't offer them.

    you guys are great

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    Featured Member lizlizliz's Avatar
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    Default Re: complicated

    this thread is getting avril lavigne stuck inmy head.

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    Default Re: complicated

    Honestly, in situations like that honesty is not the best policy. As long as you're not dragging an STD to your boyfriend, then he doesn't really need to know since you were broken up. You didn't cheat, it's none of his business in the first place really.

    I mean, I understand you felt you needed to tell him but it's only going to complicate things from here on.

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    Default Re: complicated

    Quote Originally Posted by lizlizliz
    this thread is getting avril lavigne stuck inmy head.
    I though I was the only one who burst out with that when I first saw the title.

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    Default Re: complicated

    Thats a tough situation. I think your boyfriend should realize that nothing can happen while you're working but if he's stubborn then I like Paris' advice.

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    Default Re: complicated

    How about putting the shoe on the other foot? How would you feel if he was walking around naked or half naked around some woman he slept with while you were apart?

    You and the bouncer did not end things on bad terms, so the attraction is still there, regardless of your relationship.

    I have to agree with the man this time (did I really type that?). He has every right to request for you not to work there and you have every right to not honor his request. It all boils down to what you feel is more important. Me, I would never put income in front of my loved ones' feelings, especially since there are ALWAYS other places to work.

    And in the future, take the advice I read in Dear Abby many, many years ago. To those who feel like confessing, consider the other person's feelings. Is the clearing of your conscience worth more than hurting your SO's feelings?

    If this was done during a break, no matter what he asked, you shouldn't have told him. How do I know? Because I was in your shoes once...and the relationship never truly recovered. Good luck cuz you're gonna need it. Trust is soooo hard to get back and I truly wish you both the best.

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