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Thread: I feel kinda guilty (long)

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    Default I feel kinda guilty (long)

    So I went to work today and, as usual, met up with a buddy of mine for dinner afterwards. After our meal, as we were exiting the resturant a couple stopped us.

    The man introduced me to his wife and told me how they were hitch hiking to Rapid City so he could work a job he had lined up and they just needed a little money to help them get some food for the night. The etire time he apologized for inconviencing us. I smiled, handed him a dollar, wished them luck and told them things will get better.

    As I drove home, I started thinking about that encounter. I feel really bad for only offering a dollar. It's -2 tonight and they're out in the cold begging for change. I just got done making hundreds of dollars and I only thought to part with one?

    I told myself that I always only give a dollar or two because I don't want to contribute to possible drug abuse, but is that a reasonable excuse? Maybe the look of embarassment and desperation was just a well rehearsed act, but so what? Is a desperate wine-o any less signifigant than an out of work sober person?

    I like to think that I'm a good and caring person but then I do things like this which really make me dissapointed in myself. I'm lucky that I have the things that I have. Attractiveness and circumstance has my life comfortable. Why wasn't I willing to share more of my good fortune with those who are less fortunate?

    I apologize for rambling on like this and asking questions I know no one can answer. The expierence saddened me and I just needed to share it.

  2. #2
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Put it out of your mind. There are panhandlers in the Bay Area of California who make a living wage off of begging.
    One suggestion- if they catch you on the way into a restaurant, offer to buy them food instead of handing out cash. If they look angry, move along. (My friend on Puerto Rico flipped junkies doing the "Gas Can" hustle- they would carry the can & claim to be stranded & rounding up change for a liter of gas. He would offer to give a lift the "car" & siphon some of his tank out for them. They would get pissed off....LOL I told him he would get shanked for playing a junkie like that...)

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    Veteran Member calliope7's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Some of these people are amazing hustlers . . . maybe we ( or at least me anyway) could learn something from watching them. lol! Seriously, thouhg, you shouldn't feel bad about anything. You have no way of knowing how legitimate their story is and in my experience they're full of it. I'd much rather have some random person on the street ask me for liquor money because then I know its honest.

    I've met so many panhandlers. These are some of my favorites:

    There used to be this guy on my college campus who would bring his two daugheters with him and say they needed bus/gas money inorder to get back home to Chicago. He never remembered who he tried to hustle in the past making his story look ridiculous as he tried his story on the same people. Getting straded over and over every week . . . but it was really unfortunate that he brought his daughters into it and that was the example they were given.

    Another kid tried to get me to give him money for food. He said he was diabetic and he really needed to get something to eat son or he'd get sick. He also told me that none of the local shelters would accept him because he was to old for the kids one and to young for the adult one (?). I was on my way to a coffee shop and offered to buy him whatever he wanted on the menu. Suddenly he lost interest in my help.

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    Senior Member red diving girl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    agreed, more likely than not this guy was pulling a scam. i live in san francisco, ca (the begging capital of the us) and i've heard EVERY story in the book. yeah, a guy shaking your hand, giving you his full name and introducing you to his ("pregnant" of course) wife seems to be the trend these days. don't feel bad.

    i am so desensitized to beggars (believe me, in sf they are VERY agressive, they will harass you each time you walk by (sometimes even if you DID give them change already), insult you, follow you down the street, get in your face -- its crazy. some streets there are several per block. i especially hate the young street punks who really have an attitude (i sometimes tell them "youre in the WRONG city for this!") i usually ignore most panhandlers (or say quickly "sorry man" if they are doing that charming thing for politeness' sake) though often i have to be very assertive to get them to bugger off. sounds like you got hustled!

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    Senior Member quequisiera's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    I hate pan handlers. They are always harder on women because they see us as easier to imtimidate. I hate it when they hang out at gas stations and try to wash your winshield without asking. I always stop them and then they still want money. I have been homeless too. I did not run around haggling people, and I took a shower once a day at a college gym. If you really want to help the homeless Mia M donate to the organizations that help them. Besides are not most of the homeless single mothers and their children. (read that in a statistic somewhere. Don't know where.) I kind of doubt most of those men who are doing the begging are giving the money back to their children.
    "Just because you've seen everything doesn't mean you understand it." Foamy the Squirrel ( www.illwillpress.com )

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Maybe it's just me, but I've always given money to them. It's not my concern what they do with that money. Who am I to "make" them spend the money the way I see fit? What's important to me, is that I do what feels right to me. I think that you can just "tell" when someone is shaking you down. I used to work in the city of Chicago, and I'd run into panhandlers every day. I usually gave a LEAST several dollars to each one. It doesn't matter to me. I am always grateful for the money I make and I'm happy to share it.

    I did offer to take a homeless woman to eat one time...and she happily and greedily accepted. I bought her whatever she wanted (McD's). As we left, she thanked me profusely and began to go on her way...at that point, I offered her more money. My friends thought I was nuts...but, it's just a "feeling" that I had and I went with it.

    You cannot control what another person does. Your only goal in life is to experience it in a way that YOU choose to experience it. I choose not to focus on what they may or may not do with the money and instead choose to focus on the point that I am giving them money out of my love and concern for my fellow human being. For me, that is the only thing that is important.

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Don't feel bad; you gave them a buck.

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    God/dess doc-catfish's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Mia, you gave them a dollar more than I would have. I lost my compassionate side for street beggars a long time ago. Those who are truly destitute know where the Salvation Army or equivalant charities are located and aren't out begging for change in the cold.

    Anyhow, I'm glad to live in a world with people who are trusting enough to have their hearts in the right place even for a common stranger. I just wish predatory swindlers would stop taking advantage of such generosity. Getting burned a few times is how I got to be so skeptical and bitter.
    Former SCJ now in rehab.

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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    I max out at 20 bucks a month. A five here, a five there. Here in Austin they are at nearly every stop light walking around with their little signs.

    Some people DO give them a sandwich from the store or a slice of pizza and they seem pretty darn happy to get that.

    I wouldn't feel guilty - you did more than most would.

    Those who have been homeless - like myself (never begged - just working poor) - know all you need is two or three bucks and you got a canned dinner for the fire that night.

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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Thanks for the responses. I feel a little better about it today. I just wished I could've been more generous. Handing over a buck is just a knee jerk reaction to getting myself out of that peticular uncomfortable situation.

  14. #11
    Cally
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Dont feel bad... im like doc.. you gave them a buck more then I would have. It seems in Toronto(speshly where I used to live) they are overly agressive and I have no sympathy for them. There are plenty of options for these people and they turn them away. I have had times where I was so close to being homeless but I always found a way around it, and they could too. Most of them are just supporting a drug habbit.
    I had one guy I walked right by.. he followed me for almost two blocks them grabbed me by the arm and said 'excuse me I was asking you a question'. I looked at him and said 'yea and I ignored you because I work for my money and maybe you should try that too'. He gave me a whole spew on how he was trying to make money for his medication and he cant work because he hurt his knee yet he was okay to chase me two blocks? lol. Meh im a heartless bitch...

  15. #12
    Cally
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Oh... Alex and I had one guy who chased us down(while we were in alexs car) in the parking lot of a resteraunt ... said he was trying to get some money because he was in a car accident and he had to get money together so him and his family can pay for the tow truck. Alex asked him where the car was.. guy ran away lol.

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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Well, you gave them a dollar, which is a lot better than most people would do.

    If I gave every guy a dollar who asked for help in this town I'd have to take out a loan to keep up, lol.

    Just walking across the street from the condo to where I work, or running to the convenient store next door real quick while working almost invariably results in getting hit up at least once. After a while you develop a thick skin and a skepticism as to the real need of the person asking (not to mention the future destination of that dollar).

    I remember hitchhiking in college with my girlfriend, and being in a couple of unpleasant situations as a result (I'm not referring to all the guys trying to see if we were open-minded about 'sharing'--that's a whole different story). I was surprised at the number of people who came forward and were very kind. The fact that she was quite attractive may or may not have had something to do with it. Nonetheless, I have seen how good people can be to total strangers.

    I believe in Karma, and passing the good kind on, so on those rare occasions in which the person seems to be for real, and really in need, I'll help them. Even an obvious drunk can occasionally be the recipient. Just before Christmas I saw a homeless guy in front of a grocery store eating one of those nasty icing cookies with sparklies. He looked so miserable I asked him if he wanted a real dinner, and went in and got him one.

    But they had chased him away by the time I got back out, so I wound up eating it myself. I felt bad about that, too, so I know where you are coming from.

    But you did the right thing, don't feel guilty.
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    Member SA-80's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Can't tell you much really. Here in Montreal the downtown is filled with beggars. But it's their job. It really is. I made a rule that I don't give money that's all. Most of the guys that ask for money here are pretty solid and healthy guys, they look stronger and fitter than I do and happier too. For them it's a hobby, they get to interact with people, and I understand that. Here in Canada, people are "rare", so everybody is trying to get together with as many people as they could.

    I remember I walked in a subway and a guy in his 50's was playing on a violin Vanessa Mae's interpretation of Storm. That was amazing, so I gave him a couple of bucks stayed and listned. Other guys in their 30's will just walk on a street where night clubs are and play guitar and we would just stand and sing along - it's fun. And when you say you don't have change, really they just wanna talk, that's all they wanna do. Most of them have jobs during weekdays and have fun this way during weekends. It's fun.

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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Well, there is a difference between a street muscian and a beggar/panhandler/hustler. That is my experience too.

    I have been in SF and whoever mentioned it is right, they are incredibly aggressive there - and they have a sense of entitlement to your money. There are just so many things wrong in California - I am so glad I moved away from there.

    This thread reminds me of that movie "Falling Down." In a scene Michael Douglas' character is walking through a park and is hit on by a panhandler. He calls him on every bullshit line the panhandler plays on him. I love that movie - I think I might go buy it tonight.

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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    I came very close to breaking a guy's jaw, who had cut across the street as I was going back to my condo, and blocked the sidewalk to ask for a cigarette. he got abusive when I told him not to touch me (he actually put his hand on my chest for a moment). It was very close, lol--but I didn't want to have to deal with police. Since he got the hell out of my way, I let it go.

    This is the kind of thing that makes it so easy to say no to everyone, everytime--possibly even the ones who might really need or deserve help.
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    Senior Member quequisiera's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    As a woman I also think there is a safety issue here. I have known people who upon opening their purses and as they take their money out the purse is snatched. In some areas I have lived in I have needed to keep my important stuff(ID, Cards, cash) in my bra. So that if some beggar gets mad after a "No" I do not have to worry. But I have digressed. I do not have a bias against street performers and musicians. when I lived in New Orleans I always set some money aside to give to them especially those kids that tap danced. What I am trying to say is that I hate how agressive beggars have become in my area in particular. So Mia M here are a few organizations that you can give to. I really think this is a better and safer way than giving to people on the street.
    www.salvationarmyusa.org
    www.unitedway.org
    www.redcross.org
    www.acorn.org
    "Just because you've seen everything doesn't mean you understand it." Foamy the Squirrel ( www.illwillpress.com )

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    I'm not giving one red cent to any beggar. I don't care what their story is. There are all kinds of jobs to be done if they're not too fucken lazy / picky to get off their asses and do it. Yeah, I'm plenty appreciative of the looks/smarts I was blessed with that make it easier for me to make a living, but goddammit! It's not only the looks/smarts I was born with; it's more about the fact I'm willing to get the fuck off my ass and WORK an honest day and I have zero respect for anyone who won't do the same. I have done all kinds of shit jobs and I'm not above doing it again if I have to. I reckon there's not a beggar on this planet who deserves the sweat off my back.

    Don't feel bad for not contributing more to encourage the lazy fucks of the world, I say.
    Last edited by Bridgette; 02-19-2006 at 04:10 PM. Reason: spelling

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    I don't know if I am capable of saying that there isn't a need for handouts to any individual, but if you can give, and you want to give, and you do give, then any amount is fine. Monitarily or not, giving of what you have to someone less fortunate is always noble. Just never shoulder someone elses responsibility for them. Help, don't carry. Being quick to anger in situations where someone asks is an image of where our society is going if we can't seek to be a little bit more forgiving and/or passive.

    Mast.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridgette
    I'm not giving one red cent to any beggar. I don't care what their story is. There are all kinds of jobs to be done if they're not too fucken lazy / picky to get off their asses and do it. Yeah, I'm plenty appreciative of the looks/smarts I was blessed with that make it easier for me to make a living, but goddammit! It's not only the looks/smarts I was born with; it's more about the fact I'm willing to get the fuck off my ass and WORK an honest day and I have zero respect for anyone who won't do the same. I have done all kinds of shit jobs and I'm not above doing it again if I have to. I reckon there's not a beggar on this planet who deserves the sweat off my back.

    Don't feel bad for not contributing more to encourage the lazy fucks of the world, I say.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Featured Member Lizette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    I don't give to pan handlers. A guy I knew made about $200-$300/day begging and had a nice house.

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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    In Vancouver, we get most of the homeless people from ALL of Canada, due to the somewhat warmer weather that we have here. We do have alot of street kids that are addicted to Meth, these people I do not usually help. I'm young and I have to work for my money, etc.

    On the other hand, I have bought food for people and they seem very happy about it. In a few cases, homeless people have helped ME out. There was this 40 year man that was hanging out in my area for awhile. I had bought him a few coffees, we spoke sometimes. One day, on the way to my first day at a new job I got into a car/bike accident. My bike tire was completely mangled, but I coudn't leave it on the street. Anyway, he happens to be walking down the street and offers to help me. I run off to work and he carries my mangled bike all the way to my work and locks it up outside. So sweet....he saved my day!

    There is another guy that I know that just happens to prefer to live outside. He talks about inside vs. outside life! We used to talk all the time. Very interesting and lively discourse. He used to give me financial advice (i think that he used to be a wealthy stockbroker). He was well read and intelligent. He wasn't a begger though. In Vancouver, it seems like we have a guild of binners (they collect bottles). They get together and hang out. Have their own turfs!

    Yeah, i know, it sucks to be asked all the time. But sometimes, it can work to your favour. I've had an experience where one homeless man was harrassing me and then another homeless man came and FOUGHT him away from me. It was interesting.

    Watch "M" by Fritz Lang, a 1930's movie, in which the protagonists and "eyes" of the city are homeless people. Also, "Down and out on Paris and London", a novel by George Orwell is really good. The homeless people from the 20's are the same as now.

    There is my very long two cents.

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    Veteran Member Eques's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    See the first quote of my signature.
    Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn.

    The truth lies in a man's dreams... perhaps in this unhappy world of ours whose madness is better than a foolish sanity.

    Miguel de Cervantes (1547 - 1616)

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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Part of life is knowing when you're helping someone and when you're just enabling destructive behaviors. Sometimes good advice is more important than money.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Mast, I don't get angry at them, I just ignore them - unless they won't leave me alone.

    My natural mother is the reason I feel so strongly about this. She has made her way through life begging and mooching off anyone and everyone, and when asked by my grandparents (her parents) why she doesn't get a job, her response is "because I don't want to". Prime example of someone who does NOT deserve any charity. This, combined with the fact of my own experiences with hardship and having to work my ass off only to barely scrape by with ramen and beans to eat all week, make me one heartless bitch when it comes to "those less fortunate". I know what less fortunate is. I also know that some good ol' hard work and perseverance is all it takes to overcome. No handouts from me. Oh hell no.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Default Re: I feel kinda guilty (long)

    Have to say I'm with the no-handouts-for-beggars crowd. Generally speaking, people in real need of assistance (with the corresponding desire to receive it and make lifestyle changes commensurate with that assistance) approach organizations that specifically cater to that demographic (Salvation Army, United Way, et al). Beggars use harrassment, intimidation, and most commonly, guilt to extract money from people--pure manipulation.

    Having worked shit jobs in the days of my youth (literally, working with shit), no job is beneath me and having put myself through college on Ramen, I'm very well acquainted with what it means to have less than others. Nevertheless, when I'm acosted by street beggars, I just keep on walking.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

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