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Thread: my friend owes me money, i need advice

  1. #1
    Veteran Member rain's Avatar
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    Angry my friend owes me money, i need advice

    This may seem like a trivial problem, but I expect to get honest, sometimes blunt, and supportive answers from SW.

    Background:
    Sometimes I let people take advantage of me. I don't stand up for myself, and then I end up getting PISSED. I am trying to change this quality I possess, but it's a challenge.

    The situation:

    A few months ago my friend of 9 years/roommate and I went to Costco. She realized that she left her bank card at home so I put her $85 purchase on my card and said "Write me a check." Well she did write me a check, but it took me a while before I wanted to cash it. When I was ready to cash it I checked with her first, because I didn't want the check to bounce and give her a $30 overcharge.

    She told me that she thought I had already cashed the check, so she spent the money on additional Christmas presents for her family. She said she wouldn't be able to pay me back, either, because her parents only give her $150 a month ON TOP OF the rent and bills (not to mention her Ivy League-priced college) they give her, too. She doesn't work a job. So, I didn't cash the check, and I told her we'd have to work out a payment plan or something.

    I brought the fact that she owes me $85 the other day, and she:
    A) denied it. She acted like she had no idea what was going on. When I showed her the check and reminded her, she
    B) blamed me for not cashing the check on time. But am I correct ladies, once you write a check you should keep track of it? I know I don't always do this, but then again, I don't owe anyone money. Just because I waited (and was considering her when I asked her if I could cash it) - it doesn't seem like it's MY fault that she overspent on her budget. And then she:
    C) guilt-tripped me. She said "I could pay you, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE MY BIRTHDAY MONEY."

    In the meantime, she's bought a SACK OF WEED and taken her boyfriend to one of the nicest, most expensive restaurants in town.

    I don't know how to deal with this situation, but I do know that I am PISSED AS HELL. I could just cash the check, but that seems evil, and it would make the relations around our house really bad. I could remind her again, but I don't want a repeat of last time.

    While mulling this over, I realized that she's not even my friend anymore. She's sort of a comfortable "childhood" friend, but we're adults now and I think she's treating me like shit. She has the money. She just doesn't want to pay me. And the reason why, I think, is because she assumes that money comes easy for me...because (surprise surprise) I'M A DANCER! I'm sure we've all witnessed this mentality from friends.

    What would YOU do? I'm trying, as I said above, to stick up for myself and not let people take advantage of me. I thought about writing her a letter telling her how PISSED I am. I don't want to have to move out, and I've sort of accepted that she's not my friend anymore, but I would like to get along with her as a roommate, get over this, and resume my life! AND GET MY EFFIN MONEY BACK!
    There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.
    Henry Miller

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    I have a similar situation happen to me in 2002.My ex-husband and I were selling our house to move to CA and the only way we could sell it on short notice was to do a "bond for deed".My ex-mother-in-law had power of attorney and agreed to this,unbeknownst to me.The fee for the bond was $500.I was not aware of this until it came time to pay.Boy,was a I surprised.I told her the day she signed the bond,she should have called and told me about the fee,so I was prepared to pay without any surprises.She said,"So what,you dance.You can easily make the money to pay for this".I HATE assumptions like this,also.I HATE it when people fail to see the principle of things.

    My advice???Sit her down and explain to her the principle of paying people back what they owe,regardless of variables.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




  3. #3
    God/dess FrustratedBunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    That's a bunch of shit. YES, if you write a check you should keep track of it. If she's being a bitch about it cash the damn check. Do you know when she deposits her money from her parents? I'd cash it right after you think she made a deposit so it will hit the bank before any other checks have a chance to and something else will bounce. Take it to the bank it's drawn on and cash it there, don't just deposit it. If it's not good they won't cash it.


    If that doesn't work you could always just steal the next bag of weed she buys. What's she going to do, call the cops?

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    Veteran Member rain's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    FB, that's what I would LOVE to do. However, I really like where I live (the house situation) and I know that if I did this the drama that would ensue would make life so hellish I would want to move out. I just wrote her an email. It basically says, "I'd love to work this out with you, but it makes me mad when you act like you don't care about the situation or think it's important to pay me back." We'll see how she responds. It is so shitty. Where I'm from (Texas) and how I live is that if I owe someone anything, I make sure they get it ASAP.
    There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.
    Henry Miller

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by rain
    I just wrote her an email. It basically says, "I'd love to work this out with you, but it makes me mad when you act like you don't care about the situation or think it's important to pay me back." We'll see how she responds. It is so shitty. Where I'm from (Texas) and how I live is that if I owe someone anything, I make sure they get it ASAP.
    You should be saying this to her in person.She'll never take an email seriously.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




  6. #6
    Veteran Member rain's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Well, she didn't take me seriously when I reminded her the first time. She just blew me off. Saying I'm mad at her in person just seems like it would escalate into more guilt-tripping/excuses. If she wants to make this right, the ball is in her court now. But if she doesn't, then I'm going to cash the check.
    There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.
    Henry Miller

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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    I like the idea of you cashing the check right after daddy's money is deposited. A check is a check...

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    Veteran Member rain's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    I know...key words...daddy's money. Sometimes college students (who are completely supported by their parents and blow their money on weed, that is) annoy the heck out of me.
    There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.
    Henry Miller

  9. #9
    AudreyLeigh
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Friends dont lend friends MONEY. EVER.

    I have helped many a friend who said theyd pay me back. I never expect to get paid back because I know it wont happen. And it hasnt. This is one of the biggest ways to ruin friendships.

    I cant help but wonder why youre so upset about $85... Ive "lent" friends much more than that. I knew I would never get paid back so I said dont worry about it. I know you need food, clothes, whatever.

    You knew from the start that she only got $150 a month... is this correct? a MONTH for food, gas etc. You knew the situation when you lent her the money. You should have known from day one you wouldnt get the money back.

    Of course youre upset that she gave you a check and said shed pay you back but is it really worth ruining a nine year friendship over $85.

    Take it as a lesson learned. Drop it and move on. Dont EVER lend friends money again. If they ask to borrow either say no or give it to them without expecting to get it back.

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    How old is the check? Cash it when she gets the money. Or, tell her first and call her out on her guilt trip. She's your roomie? Have her pay an extra $85 of the rent. Friend's don't pull shit like this. It's sooo messed up!

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    Featured Member WiseGuy_TX's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    ....damn, this story makes me want to go get that 23cents my friend stole from me when we were in 5th grade instead of moving on with my life. Honest, blunt but not so supportive. A forgiveness quality isn't so bad and it makes life less miserable because you wont have to dwell on all the bad things people have done to you.
    "Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip-club? He smells like sweat and fear." - Lois and Stewie (Family Guy) ... "Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see..."

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by AudreyLeigh
    Friends dont lend friends MONEY. EVER.
    There it is, people. Truth. I don't let money to friends OR family. You'll only end up getting fucked in the end.

  13. #13
    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by WiseGuy_TX
    ....damn, this story makes me want to go get that 23cents my friend stole from me when we were in 5th grade instead of moving on with my life. Honest, blunt but not so supportive. A forgiveness quality isn't so bad and it makes life less miserable because you wont have to dwell on all the bad things people have done to you.
    There's nothing to really forgive at this point. I mean, if the girl said, "I really can't afford to give it to you" blah blah blah "I'm sorry" then that would be different. She's just being a b*tch about it. Plus, she's gotta LIVE with this person... Roommate's need to be reliable, friend or not. Plus, How long has it been since you were in fifth grade. I'm sure she won't care anymore at that point, but for the time being... Ugh. But yes, I agree with you with your take on forgiveness. It makes life easier.

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    God/dess kryssy's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Just cash the check. Let her worry about the charge from the bank.

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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Sounds to me like you are bit afraid of her if you don't want to confront her again or cash the check and let her get pissed. I try to be a peace keeper myself but nothing pisses me off worse than someone taking advantage of me. She's not a friend to begin with if she can't pay back the money you were nice enough to loan her. Then for her to have the odassity to basically tell, you, no I am not paying you back when you ask about cashing the check. I wouldn't have even asked, just cash the thing. If she gets pissed, screw her, there are plenty of good people out there that need friends/roommates and will not take advantage of you if given the opportunity.

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    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Stop being so nice- cash the check!!

    Then ditch this so-called friend.

    I think you should be able to lend money to your friends and expect it back. Otherwise they're not friends. I would never be friends with someone who would steal from me!!

    Feature costumes for sale!

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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    I'd cash the check too. She's managed to turn the situation around so that you feel bad and guilty when she is the one who should be. Now you are the one feeling on the defensive and afraid to rock the boat when she's the one who started it by not paying you back and taking advantage of your goodness.

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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Wow, I feel for you. Her response to you was really crappy and you deserve to be pissed. Hello, you aren't her daddy, and she's responsible for her own checks. You're both adults, treat her as such. Collect her "birthday money" with a smile, or write it off as a cheap lesson. She might be living off her parents' money, but it's in the real world and time for her to be held accountable for her own actions.

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    Featured Member hannah83's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    I'm kind of stuck in the middle on this, i mean it is only $85 and it isn't worth losing a friendship over such a small amount of money. But then on the other hand, it really isn't your problem that she doesn't get alot of money. She is an adult, she could get a job.

    The bottom line is that she owes you money and she is an adult. There is no excuse for not paying someone back. She should have kept track of the money in her account. The fact that she didn't, is not your fault. You have tried to get the money back by being nice and that obviously isn't working. So perhaps being nice, isn't the way to go.

    Just because you are a dancer does not mean anyone can take advantage of you!
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    Featured Member WiseGuy_TX's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Quote Originally Posted by rain
    ...but it took me a while before I wanted to cash it. When I was ready to cash it
    rain, why did'nt you want to cash it immediately and how many weeks/months was it before you decided to?
    "Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip-club? He smells like sweat and fear." - Lois and Stewie (Family Guy) ... "Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see..."

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    Featured Member Lyssa Lynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Well since you like the place you both share, I'd say let it go. Lesson learned on your part, never again loan money unless you're prepared to never see it again. Sorry this happened to you, now move on, stop wasting your energy on an irresponsible roomate.

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    Member born_looser's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Cash the check, but leave her a voice mail so that she has a chance to cover it. "Hi Roomie Deadbeat, just wanted to let you know I'm cashing your check. Needed the money for more hot outfits you'll never fit into. Thanks, gotta run."

    My guess is she will be able to cover it, and that she's full of shit.

  23. #23
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    Life imitates SW posts.

    Just last night I had to say "No" to a friend who asked me for money. I've lent this fellow money twice before; he's repaid me once, and the request came after a night of eating and drinking during which I picked up the bulk of the bills. I'm fairly sure he's good for a loan--although a month ago I declined to help when he asked for "a couple thousand."


    It was a very awkward moment, right at the end of the fun evening, as I was showing him the door. He looked shocked and panicked, as if he'd been depending all evening on walking away with a check for a few hundred. This confirms my instinct that he is getting too comfortable with my availability (and, remember, he hasn't repaid the last loan yet).

    In my own life, I never approached friends for loans when things were tight. Rather, I took out credit card advances and got myself into semi-serious debt for several years.

    Still, an awkward moment. Ugh.

  24. #24
    Member killingjoke's Avatar
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    business is business, when it comes to friends too. thats what i have learn, althought not a dancer but in other times in life.

    anything that comes to " money ", try thinking through it thoroughly before jumping the band wagon.

    it may take a while getting use to it, however with consistency, you will be successful and streetwise.

    just my 2 cents.

    like what my parents taught me, move on and learn from your mistakes.

    cheers.
    Last edited by killingjoke; 03-02-2006 at 10:02 AM.

  25. #25
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    Default Re: my friend owes me money, i need advice

    you got screwed by the princess, deal with and move on or beat her ass and take enough non traceable pawnables to cover your losses, interest, and general pain in the ass tax. If I lend money to a friend, I immediately assume I will never see it again, that way when they give it back, I'm pleased as punch and If they don't, oh well, aint the first time I wasted a little or a shitload of cash on something stupid.
    : )

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