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Thread: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

  1. #1
    Star_bare_elegance
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    Default I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    My mom is a unemployed alcoholic she refuses to work and it's not fair to me at all. I love her but I'm not her mom... she is almost 50 and expects family (mainly me) to financially support her. My boyfriend can't understand why I help her out neither do I sometimes. I'm making my last debt payment tomorrow and I've been working my ass off to barely make these payments. ALL of theses debts were hers under MY credit. Where can I send her to get a job that won't refuse her. She wants to apply to places she no longer qualifies for. At my own place for 2 years I paid $1100 rent for 2 bedroom, all of the utilities, food and gas for her car and my car. She drives a nice truck (from her ex)while I have a Nissan bucket. My car runs when it likes and she regulates when I can drive hers.... if I can drive it. I moved to my great grans other house so now all of my expenses only equal to $300 a month. Of course my mom lives here too. It's cheaper for me now but I'm still unhappy with our I give she only takes relationship. I don't give her no more than $50 cash a month now but it's not about the money. I need her to get a job.

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Make her apply for welfare and they'll siphon her into the welfare to work program.



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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    I know blood is thicker than water,but you gotta look out for yourself first.If she's treating you this badly and taking advantage of you to this extent,she's no better to you than a stranger.I had to deal with a similar situation with my mom several years back and when I finally washed my hands of her,I felt so liberated.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

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    God/dess leilanicandy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Quote Originally Posted by onlythebest
    I know blood is thicker than water,but you gotta look out for yourself first.If she's treating you this badly and taking advantage of you to this extent,she's no better to you than a stranger.I had to deal with a similar situation with my mom several years back and when I finally washed my hands of her,I felt so liberated.
    I will have to agree with OTB!

    Also because someone some gives birth to a child, that dose not mean that person is a mother. I know you want to have that mother and daughter relationship! You are going to wash your hands of her! You can't make somebody change because you want them to change. They will have to change on there free will! She will get a job when she want to get a job.
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    If at all possible you need to distance yourself from her, physically and emotionally. Tell her how you feel and that although you love her you cannot keep a relationship with her until she makes some changes (gets a job, stops drinking etc...). It's the tough love theory and is easier said than done but it sounds like you really need some time away from her.
    Good luck, I hope everything works out.

  6. #6
    Star_bare_elegance
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    It's hard because I dont wan't her homeless I will try to put her on the county so that they can help her better than I have.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Do you make enough to support her? If you are just barely scraping by your self, then her asking you to support her (without any effort from her) is a bit much.

    I agree with the welfare idea. Try to get her on section 8 housing too. There are plenty of jobs out there that allow a person to be an alcoholic, so long as they keep showing up for work, and don't drink (much) on the job. Stripping being one. Truck driving school is probably out of the question, though.

    You could also move out of town, or at least far enough away that you aren't easy for her to pester you for money. Living in the same house together makes it waaaaay too easy for her to just bug you about her needing money.

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    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Section 8 housing can take years to get into.

    You need to have dependents to get welfare.

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    Senior Member lalitha's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Quote Originally Posted by lunchbox
    You need to have dependents to get welfare.
    well...that's not entirely true, not in Canada anyway. I don't know how it works in the states if that's where you are right now s_b_e ... anyway, I just wanted to post because your story is the exact same situation I'm in with my dad right now.

    He was a stay-at-home dad for me, so I feel really obligated to help him now that he's 'down and out' but at the same time I feel like, I'm working my ass off! Why can't you? He's not an alcoholic but has troubles with drugs/motivation. I'm helping him keep his car on the road, but I hope he will get a job soon
    Still, it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one going through this stuff. I guess we just have to hang on and hope things get better...

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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Damn, my dad used to drink too much but he always worked and made money. Of course we're from New Orleans where half of the city is always drunk so it might be easier to get by wasted all the time. It's tough but you have to take care of yourself and distance yourself from her so you can get a more clear picture of what's going on. I'm not going to say it's the same, but I had a boyfriend that I felt like was my son becuase he was pretty irresponsible. He did have a job but he could never seem to pay bills on time and just do what needed to be done. Finally I just moved out and it was like a breath of fresh air. He's had his lights cut off twice in the past couple months and it's like oh, well, not my problem. You can still love your mom from afar but she's a grown woman and ought to be able to take care of herself.

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Quote Originally Posted by FrustratedBunny
    Of course we're from New Orleans where half of the city is always drunk...
    That is a sad but true fact.
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

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  12. #12
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    yeah, it is, and I never even realized it. I used to work for a family owned hotel where I kid you not every day the owners would go into the bar/restaurant and get shitfaced in the evening.

  13. #13
    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Quote Originally Posted by FrustratedBunny
    yeah, it is, and I never even realized it. I used to work for a family owned hotel where I kid you not every day the owners would go into the bar/restaurant and get shitfaced in the evening.
    As the locals say : Laissez les bon temps rouler!!!
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    You don't have as much time or money as you think. Right now you should be saving for your future. You'll need a home and decent car of your own and money for school, retirement, illness...life's biggest hurdles. Your parents haven't left you a trust fund. You have to protect yourself. You can't protect all three of you. It's not a matter of choosing to dump MOM it's really a matter of your own life or death. If you break your leg what can she do to help you?

  15. #15
    Star_bare_elegance
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    How do you say something like this to your mom though? I dont want to take care of you anymore mom sounds so cruel coming out my mouth. Alcohol is such a bad thing even those who use it in moderation are taking serious risks. I wonder how long until weed and cocaine won't be illegal anymore.

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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    I know my thoughts are sometimes a little too simple for people( I dont show enough compasion or ? ) but she needs to get sober first because without sobriety none of this will work for her or you . I am confident that when the fog clears out of her head she will at least have a chance at life . The hardest choice of all for you is if she is not willing to clean herself up you must let her know what your intentions are - and be very firm ! I hope this helps

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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Are you more concerned about your survival or hers? Will you feel good when she's still drinking and could care less if you live but you're heartbroken and possibly homeless? I hope you take care of yourself because an addict is a bottomless pit until they stop using.

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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    You need to do some research and find a program that will help her. You can only babysit your mom for so long. Your "solutions" are taking tremendous time, energy, and money... But, none of what you're doing will solve the problem for long.

    Maybe you could try getting her to a doctor (bribe her if you have to). There are some meds out there that can help reduce the craving for alcohol (naltrexone and topiramate).

    By the way, why do you let her put you in debt? Don't give her your credit cards, don't give her money to buy booze...

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    Veteran Member casaubon1's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Sounds like she is having a real effect on your life. Have you thought about any of the support groups for people who are dealing with this kind of problem? -- Al-Anon for example. You might want to check one out -- the advice you get there will come from people who have faced down the same problem.

  20. #20
    Star_bare_elegance
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    Its no use I'm trapped, at least that's how I feel.

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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    hmph. it's not up to you to "look up" programs. You can do that, but she has to want to go to them. seriously-- think about it: if you have the option of cutting her loose, and making her stand for herself (which may or may not work), you run the risk of not having the money to support yourself later on in life. Granted, you won't be an alcoholic, but you will have wasted that money. And if you feel that guilty, give her a stipend, say around $200-300 per month (and that's IT). Write a letter, move, host a family intervention, or whatever, but you don't need to be trapped. Tell her now because you're probably going to want to give her a month's time (no more!) to find a job (yeah right) or a cheaper apartment.

    It sucks where you are, but you're letting yourself be made a victim. and I KNOW it sucks, it hurts, it's angering, but are you going to look back years from now and regret doing what you're doing for your mom? Will you be pissed off that you got taken advantage for so long with money that could have been better spent? This isn't a mom whose medical bills you're paying, she FUCKED UP YOUR CREDIT! So... are you a victim, or not?

  22. #22
    Star_bare_elegance
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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    I wish yall could meet her and the rest of my family. it would be so much easier for you to see how i could feel trapped. i want her to get on public assistance but she refuses to "lower" herself anymore. i tell her to get a job she says "i will but....." i don’t give her any money she b*&%$ and complains until i am too upset to go to work. we stay at my great grans old house now (i let go of the $1100 apartment) so now my bills come out to be 300 a month a great change from 2400 a month. I can go to school now and work without stress of how much i need to make. My only issue is being close to her, she wants to act like she is my mom. She gets mad when i don’t come home, when i don’t call...... i have a, you have to pay the cost to be the boss rule now that I’m trying to enforce but so far no good. she is a very good con artist, she had my step dad take care of her lazy butt for 13 years and he kicked her out after I was of age. I feel backed into a corner all the time. my gran and great gran are no better than her in a lot of ways. my only option now is to finish school in 15 months and move out alone.

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    Default Re: I'm Angry @ My Mom.

    I know how you feel. My dad was a raging alcoholic and every time I spoke with him, I usually ended up in tears.

    There came a time when I said enough was enough. I told him that I loved him but I had to break off all communication until he could get and stay sober. Until he was willing to take responsibilities for his own life and his own choices. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but it was also the most liberating and freeing and loving thing I've ever done for myself.

    You are not your mother's keeper. You are not her concious. You cannot make her do something she does not want to do. The worst part of any kind of addiction is the guilt that close friends and family members feel when they "let the addict down". You are letting her down by not making her be accountable to her addictions and her choices. Will she stop drinking? When she's ready. Will she go homeless while she's drinking? Probably...but until she is willing to help herself, there is no help in the world that you can do for her. You are, at this time, encouraging her to keep in her addiction. You give her money which she probably uses to maintain her addiction. You give her a place to live and a place in which she can depend to keep her addiction going. Your mom has a lot of mental/emotional problems that you can never solve.

    Life is about experience and choices. The only way to experience life is to experience the consequences of the choices that you choose to make. Some of those choices will have a positive effect on your life and some of them will have a negative effect...but you cannot prevent someone from making choices. Why would you prevent them from experiencing the consequences?

    You are writing all of your posts with a victim mentality. Stop. You are not a victim of your mother. You are a victim of your own inability to let go and focus on your own life. Is it easy? No, but it can be done.

    Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is let them go.

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