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Thread: What would you do??

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    Veteran Member bella622's Avatar
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    What would you do??

    So a my best friend is going through a dilema... I promised her I would post this for feedback (she is currently going through internet mishaps so...) Anyone with advice or sugggestions your input would be greatly appreciated... I hope this isn't too long...

    She has a five year old daughter... The father has been gone since the baby was two months old... He has been in random (but seldom) contact with the mother... Usually over the phone, a few face to face meetings... Mom wants to protect her daughter from having a "dad" who is in and out of her life so she hasn't allowed the dad to see her, or talk to her on the phone... The daughter always talks about how she wants a "dad"... Tears mom up... The "dad" has paid probably a few hundred (over five years) in child support... Mom can't stand it but doesn't take "dad" to court since she is able to take care of her daughter well... Several months ago "dad" and mom hooked up and met for lunch... "dad" expressed interest in meeting with the daughter... Mom told him that if he could be consistant in meeting with her (keeping appointments) then eventually she would allow that... "dad" was able to do this exactly twice, then disappeared again... Now, "dad" is trying to get back in...

    Mom, was going through a bit of an emotional something and ended up sleeping with "dad" the other night... The first time since daughter was born... She has no desire to get back together with "dad" but she really wants him to be a part of her (their) daughters life... He seems to be finally expressing a desire to want that... But she is still extremely cautious... He has promised to start paying child support (we shall see)... But more than the $$ she really would like for "dad" to be a part of daughters life...

    So, anyway... She is thinking about letting "dad" talk to daughter on the phone... But is hesitant since daughter has never spoken to her "dad" and know little (if anything) about him... Mom hopes that if "dad" talks to daughter he will want to be part of her life... She is afraid though of the consequences to daughter if they meet (even if just on the phone) if "dad" disappears again...

    If anyone (male or female) has experienced anything like this any input or suggestions would be sooooooo appreciated...
    Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul... - Marilyn Monroe

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    Featured Member bikinigirl04's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    she should not be keeping her daughter away from the dad. i understand the reasoning, that she doesn't want her to be hurt....but here's my experience. my mom never married my dad, and i have never met him. most of my life growing up i never thought about him, and i considered my step-dad to be my father. then when i was around 22 i started to think about him a lot and wanted to know who he was. maybe not ever see him even, just to know who he was, if he was alive or dead, what he looked like, etc. by then he was nowhere to be found. my point is this...my mother decided when i was little that i would be better off w/o him in my life, but i feel like she should have prepared for when i was older and would want to know my father, and let me make that decision. i'm glad i didn't have him in my life, in a way, b/c from what she says he was not a good guy. i know she did the best she could and only wanted the best for me. but i do feel like in a way i was ripped off and over the years we have *tried* to contact him but we can't find him, and i have pretty much accepted the fact that i will never know my real dad, not even what he looks like, or if i have other siblings out there somewhere....

    i think your friend should let her daughter see/talk to her father. maybe not whenever he wants, maybe only on her terms...but one day her daughter is going to grow up and want to know the whole deal and by then he may not be around. she may have to explain to her that daddy is going through things and is not around as much as she'd like, or explain that its not her fault he's not there, blah blah blah. but as long as he is not a threat to her well- being in any way, i think she should absolutely not be made to live a life w/o knowing her father if he is making the effort, even if it's not the most ideal kind of effort.
    Oh, I musta took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.


    howdy ho, junior rangers.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    I have to agree about not keeping the daughter away from dad. Will the little girl be heart broken sometimes? Probably...but that is going to have to be an issue that she has with dad. As long as mom is a constant in her life and doesn't put dad down, but listens to the little girl when she's crying or upset about dad...that is how she will build a strong relationship with dad. She is not doing her daughter any favors by "protecting" her from the dad.

    There will come a point in the little girl's life when she goes, "I'm tired of my dad's games and his refusal to keep his promises/play dates/etc with me and so I do not want to see him anymore." When she gets to that point, then the mom can step in and help support and nuture the little girl...but she should not do that for her. It will only cause resentments later on down the line...towards the mom more than the dad.

    I know of several people who have a child and the mom (or dad) is pretty much a bag of lies for the child. It's sad...but the child is going to have to learn how to deal with the missing parent.

    I would also suggest that the mom involve the little girl in play groups and talk to men that she really, truly trusts to see if they would be willing to be a "father figure" for the little girl. Because what it comes down to is that she's not looking for HER dad...she's looking for someone she can trust, love, and who will love her in return and do the things that daddies and daughters do. While she may love the mom a lot...kids need to experience both male and female companionship. Helping her develop a proper, nuturing, loving, trusting relationship with a father figure now will help her to build those relationships later in life.

    It's going to be extremely important that the little girl be exposed to her father and then be able to connect with a male father figure whom she can depend on. The mom may be quite surprised at the choices the little girl makes.

    Lots of luck and please update!!

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    Featured Member bikinigirl04's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    venus...i agree except for this part:

    "Because what it comes down to is that she's not looking for HER dad...she's looking for someone she can trust, love, and who will love her in return and do the things that daddies and daughters do."

    that may be true right now, but from my experience eventually she will want to know her real dad, even if she has had a good father figure. it's just not the same.
    Oh, I musta took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.


    howdy ho, junior rangers.

  5. #5
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Mom needs to find a real, stable father figure. This guy isn't her father, he's a sperm donor, and it sounds like he's a destructive influence. I disagree with the notion that semen makes a father.

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    God/dess kryssy's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    In my opinion, the mother and father chose to lay down and have sex. The sex created the child. Now the child is BOTH of their responsibility. I would tell your friend and the dad that they need to go to court, set up child support, and also set up visitation. The set visitation will help with the father being in the child's life.

    Mom made her choice. She no longer has a choice in if the father plays a part in child's life, as long as there is no abuse. This is why I have always believed that a woman/man should know the person, before having sex.

    The child didn't have a choice in who her father is, the mom did. Now it is time for both to be adults and do what is best for the child.

    This is just my opinion though.

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    Veteran Member bella622's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    So... Thank you for the advice... She decided to let her talk to her "dad" on the phone first... Then decided to let them meet face to face... So far so good... But its only been a few days... I only hope that he doesnt break my little girls heart, or my best friends... <fingers crossed, but honestly not to hopeful>...

    Anyway, things are so far so good... I guess time will tell... Special thanks to V.G... Your input was very helpful!!
    Hopefully she will be an active member of SW as of tomorrow since she is getting her internet hooked up... Can't wait!!!! Cum on Ms. Crazy!!! Double!!

    Sidenote to Mr. T.O.O.: Good to see you 2nite, thanks as always... Would love to tackle B-more with you sometime... Scores, Hustler, whateva... You, me and the DC girls... Just don't let me near a car, you know I am cursed with vehicles.. Ms. "J" will swear we are being robbed...
    Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul... - Marilyn Monroe

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    Newbie lovelyj's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    i did it. Let him see her, as you know. Who knows where it goes next. Dont have high expectations though. His track record shows that he has no integrity and no conviction so he wont be around long. My poor baby. I hurt for her so much. I know how it feels to not have your daddy. Its really painful. Whats worse then that though is the guilt I feel. He only wants to be with her if he can be with me. If he knows he has the possibility of a relationship he will stick around. He wants pictures of me and her together, no others really matter. I will never go back to that though. Oh my lord...what have I done?

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    Featured Member bikinigirl04's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    oh...i didn't realize he only wants to see her if he can have a relationship with you again...i don't know. i just know that even if i were going to be disappointed i would have liked the option of meeting my dad one day, and by totally cutting him out of my life, my mom made that not an option for me when i was older.

    good luck girl, it's a sticky situation. just explain to your daughter as best you can i guess that daddy might not always be available, it's hard but i still think it's harder never knowing him.
    Oh, I musta took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.


    howdy ho, junior rangers.

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    Veteran Member bella622's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Hey J...

    Can I get a "why me???"

    Hugs baby... I love you the mostest... I'll see you at the pre-game show tonight...
    Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul... - Marilyn Monroe

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    Newbie lovelyj's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Note to all you ladies who are thinking about sleeping with your babys daddy again after 5 years of not seeing your child and only 2 child support payments. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER DO IT!!!!!!!! Learn from my mistakes. It just aint worth it!

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    Banned All Good Things's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Quote Originally Posted by bella622
    Sidenote to Mr. T.O.O.: Good to see you 2nite, thanks as always... Would love to tackle B-more with you sometime... Scores, Hustler, whateva... You, me and the DC girls... Just don't let me near a car, you know I am cursed with vehicles.. Ms. "J" will swear we are being robbed...
    You may be cursed with vehicles, but we have such fun bailing you out. You are always safe with me in any part of the city.

    As much as it breaks my heart to say this, my advice on the guy is to give him a pass. At the age of 5 with a little girl and her daddy, everything is about consistency. If he's not able to make a regular commitment by being a priority in her life and providing regular love and support to his awesome 5-year-old daughter (as his wonderful mother figured out from the start) it can only frustrate and confuse this sensitive little girl. She deserves so much better, and so does her mother, for that matter.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Quote Originally Posted by The Other Owner
    As much as it breaks my heart to say this, my advice on the guy is to give him a pass. At the age of 5 with a little girl and her daddy, everything is about consistency. If he's not able to make a regular commitment by being a priority in her life and providing regular love and support to his awesome 5-year-old daughter (as his wonderful mother figured out from the start) it can only frustrate and confuse this sensitive little girl. She deserves so much better, and so does her mother, for that matter.
    I just have to say this: Everyone needs to learn something in life. If the mother is the reason that the child doesn't see dad (for whatever reason) it's going to hurt the relationship between mom and child. If mom allows the child to see the dad, no matter how undependable he is, the child will learn that mom is not the problem. It's dad...and if mom is there no matter what and supports the child then it won't hurt their relationship and the child will have the trust and support that he/she really needs. She may deserve better, but how will she know what is "better" until she experiences what is "worse"?

    I'm glad that things are working out so far, Bella. Please keep us updated.

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    Newbie lovelyj's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Bottom line, Dad sucks, mom doesnt, little girl will figure it out (think she has already). She is definatley no dummy!!!!



    T.O.O Miss and love you baby. Wish I could see more of you, go back to how it used to be. Call if you feel like doing dinner. Vodka and Caviar, sounds perfect!!!!!!

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    God/dess leilanicandy's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Venus said everything perfectly I agree I just have to say my pieace,
    Let the child see father! A child needs both parents! You know the child id have the mother and the fathers. Everybody makes misstakes, but at least he is trying to set things right!
    If you want the present to be differant from the past, study the past.
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    Dont throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.
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    Veteran Member bella622's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do??

    Actually, the father seems to have only an interest in having a relationship with the daughter if it includes a relationship (friendship with benefits) with the mother... When they talk on the phone the conversations generally end up, "when can i see you..." Not so much about the daughter... Kinda messed up... I think (so does lovelyj) that if she is to cut off that relationship with him, than he will be out of the daughters life completely again... Sad (mostly for him) but most likely true...

    Hugs baby...
    Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul... - Marilyn Monroe

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