Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: Need Support (really long rant)

  1. #1
    AudreyLeigh
    Guest

    Sad Need Support (really long rant)

    As I was writing this I got a phone call from my best friend... Im adding this hard news to the end...
    -----
    Im sad. Im doing my best... I just ugh... I just miss my daughter - sometimes more than others but shes always in my head. If youve seen any of my posts Im a very undecisive person - always putting things off, changing plans, never staying put, etc. The only thing that Ive always been consistant on is my daughter. Always put her first, always be there for her, always take care of her, nurture her, never harm her in any way, etc...

    Anyway - last May her dad and I decided she would go to Maui to live with him for a year so I can go to school. School is 1 year and shed be back in the summer after school was done. Well, due to my procrastination (and hating that beauty school) I didnt go. Plan failed. The repercussions are finally hitting home.

    I finally bucked down. I found a beautiful school that I love. I started Feb 28th. 8 months after I was supposed to start. I finish March 2007.

    My daughter is/was? supposed to come back this July when she finishes 1st grade. July is slowly creeping up and I dont know what to do.

    My current schedule (and will be for a year)

    I leave for school at 745AM and get home at 7PM Tues-Fri. Sat I leave for work at 530PM. Get home late, wake up around 12PM on Sun then leave at 530 for work. Wake up around noon Mon. Run errands Monday. Get to bed to go to school again on Tues.

    If/when she comes back A) she will be in daycare a LOT or B) my guy will be burdened with 'having' to care for her. Its not like my guy wouldnt or doesnt want to BUT this isnt his child. Why should he give up ALL his free time for a year so I can have my daughter here and go to school. AND if/when she comes back and DOES go into daycare Ill have to work MORE to pay for it! So thats even HARDER. Id have to work all night and go to school on 4 hours of sleep! (did it ONCE - horrible)

    This brings to me 2 things. Im selfish for wanting her back just to be in the above situation. Or 2 - Im a bad mom for letting her stay with her dad for another year.

    I spoke with her dad who says he would love for her to stay. His fiance and him are expecting a baby in 7 weeks and my daughter is sooo excited. Im also afraid that this will put a harder burden on him that hes not ready for.. you know?

    My mom says to do whats in my heart. I dont know whats in my heart. I want 2 things but cant have both. I feel bad for somewhat wanting her to stay there another year so I can finish school but then again I feel bad about wanting her back to have her in daycare or raised by Ryan.

    I dont know what to do. Im sooo torn. I know no one can make this decision for me. Im not really asking that. I just wanted to share this... its so hard. If I was just dancing and not going to school it would be simple - just have her come back. Im also afraid if she comes back itll be too hard and Ill end up dropping out of school. I dont want to by any means but its just such a tough situation.

    I know lots of mothers work and go to school. They also dont have the luxury of being able to work 1-2 days a week like I do so it makes me feel even worse.

    And the worse part - in the end - it all comes down to money. Really. If I didnt have to work it would be managable. Ry would watch her a few hours Tues-Fri and Id spend Sat-Mon with her. Its such a sad situation really. My daughter comming or not comes down to literally $2000 a month. How pathetic is that?!

    -----
    I just got off the phone with my 'best friend' Sarha. Sarha has had a very hard life. You wouldnt expect a whole lot from someone whos parents were both doped up and drunk her entire life. Sarha has 4 children (1 she put up for adoption) and had 1 abortion about 2 years ago. She lives with a loser who doesnt work. Neither does Sarha. The losers mom owns the house they live in and pays the morgage. Whenever Sarha gets money (welfare or a short lived job that loser ends up sabotaging) losers mom pretty much forces her to give it to her. Yet loser never has to give his mom anything, nor does his mom try to get him to get a job. Losers mom lets loser drive a car shes making payments on.

    Loser is really abusive - mentally, physically, emotionally. Ive always been there for her. I know she needs someone strong to help her and give her support. I dont tell her what to do but try to help her see the 'light'. I would buy her clothes when I saw hers were tattered or didnt fit. She never asked for anything but my friendship. She never asked for clothes or pedicures, or anything else I bought her. I did it because I love her. She is a good friend to me, she listens to me and we talk. We are close to eachothers children and she adores Ry. She is by no means a user. She wasnt my friend because I had money. When we started becomming good friends we both lived in low income housing and were both on welfare and I worked a job making $800 a month. Weve both changed a lot since then... six years ago.

    But shes been acting really strange since I started school.... doesnt call me back for over a week at a time... chats are short where they used to be long.

    About 3 weeks ago she received a check for $500 from child support. She bought food for the house and paid the overdue elect bill. She then got another check for $2000 (her ex tried to get a tax return which she got) Im all excited. She can finally get a little car and try to get her shit together. Shes excited too. Or at least I thought. I start looking in papers and online for her. Calling and leaving messages with cars that would be good for around $1K. No calls back. Nothing.

    She calls me tonite. I know shes drunk. She tells me Im going to be mad at her. (shes always taken my opinion highly and doesnt like upsetting me. its more because im only reinforcing what she already knows) I tell her I wont get mad. She tells me she got a dog. I laugh. She says its not funny. She doesnt want the dog anymore. I ask her if she got a car. No. I tell her Ill help her find the dog a home. She says loser doesnt want to get rid of the dog. OK, Im thinking, whatever. This is the THIRD time shes gotten dogs she ended up not wanting a couple weeks later. Then she tells me she BOUGHT the dog. For FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I get upset at this. She spent car money on a DOG?! I say how did you find this dog? Someone sitting outside with a box of puppies that say FOR SALE: $500 and you get one? No. She was looking through the paper for a car and ended up with a dog. WTF???

    She says she went to welfare and got another $500.

    She then tells me (in her drunken state) that shes SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT and didnt tell me because she was scared of what i would say. No shit?! You have 3 kids you cant take care of and youre having another?! Youre reinforcing statistics. WTF is wrong with you?! You had $3000 in the last few weeks and f*cking BLEW it KNOWING you are pregnant. Did you get anything for the baby? ANYTHING? no. nada. nothing. she got a dog. $3000 and a few weeks later she has nothing but a dog she doesnt want and doesnt need. Oh, and cant sell the dog. Loser wants to keep it. I spoke with him - WTF WTF WTF!?!?!? You people have $0 to your name and a dog worth $500 and you want to KEEP it? He says Sarha wanted the dog, she got it and it stays. No, moron... YOU wanted a dog and somehow got her excited about it and had her spend her LAST $500 on it. Next -

    Youre pregnant and on top of that youre DRUNK! She tells me her life sucks and that she knew Id be mad. No, Im not mad that youre pregnant (tho a bit irritated I KNEW it would happen) Im mad that youre f*cking drunk while youre pregnant. WTF is wrong with you. Youve been lucky in the past but may not be again. Just because you hate your life is no reason to ruin the life of the baby youre carrying. Then her phone died (I know it died, she wouldnt hang up on me, believe me)

    There was MUCH more ranting from me and apologizing from her in this conversation. Im so upset I cant even remember it all. These are just the main points. Im sitting here in a WTF state.

    I cant do it anymore. Im done. I love her but nothing I do will help her. Were drifting apart. Im going somewhere - shes going further into the hole she has dug. Even if she blew the first $500 (to be expected!) she could have helped herself with the $2K but no. Shes pregnant again and stuck. Theres no helping her. Im done. I told her I love her but after this I wont help her anymore. I cant help her if she cant help herself. I never wanted to 'save' her... I just hoped to help her see that she CAN help herself. She didnt see it. Instead she dug and dug and dug.

    -----

    Im exhausted. And if you made it to this line Im sure you are too. I dont know really what I need/want. Its more of a rant... Im just so confused with my baby and now this with Sarha. After what just happened Im thinking the best thing is to let sleeping dogs lie. Leave Katy with daddy (shes happy there). Finish school. Leave Sarha behind. Keep going. One day at a time I guess. Gosh. Bad news comes in threes. Heres two. Whats next? oh yea, taxes...
    Last edited by AudreyLeigh; 03-27-2006 at 01:17 AM.

  2. #2
    God/dess sassysummer's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Vancouver, WA/Portland, OR
    Posts
    2,165
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    (((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

    1.
    You're daughter...I can't imagine how hard it is for you to be without her, but I would honestly finish school. You'll be better off in the long run for it. My mom had to leave me and my sister with my grandma for like a year and half (at least) to go work in FL (we lived in louisiana..there were NO jobs anywhere), I was about 12 so I don't remember exactly how long, but time really flew for me, now that I'm 29 I seriously don't really remember it being that long, even though it was. If you quit school, you could end up back where you don't want to be. I would keep forging ahead, keep your head up, get a web cam for you and her and see if maybe she can come visit for a week or two...some time is better than none, ya know?


    2.
    You're friend...I have a friend like this. I know she can BE so much better, but she won't get out of her situation because she's scared (even though she won't really admit it), she's got a husband that cheated on her with her "friend" a few weeks AFTER they lost their twin boys at about 5 months pg. Now she has 3 boys. They are living in a DUMP apt...when she says her husband makes almost as much as mine does! Yet, I see nothing but beer cans and depressed friend. I've tried helping her NUMEROUS times, trying to get her OUT of that apt and into a nice one close to me so I could help her with her boys a little more. What kills me is that they HAVE moved to nicer places, only to move BACK to the same shithole for no reason! AND, they also got a dog for like a grand! insane!

    So, I've stopped trying to help her. I'm just here. I talk to her occaisionally (if her phone isn't disconnected). I think some people are just beyond help sometimes and you have to get to a point where you can't expend any more of your energy trying to help them. They are friends, and you love them, but they are emotional leeches. Eventually you can just hope that they see their issues and help themselves.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do re: your daughter. I know it must be heart wrenching to be without her. But I'm sure that with a new baby sibling on the way, she'll be so excited that the next year will just fly for her. And you are not a "bad mom"...bad moms would't give a rats ass, and you obviously do! Try not to be so hard on yourself. Kids are sooo resiliant, she'll be fine.





    Now selling Platinum Stages Poles!
    Order through me & get a FREE instructional video!



    "Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from." Jodie Foster

  3. #3
    aussiepunkshocker
    Guest

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that's really sad. You're right though, you have to leave her to it, what else can you do?

    I am a part time parent and although it's hard and I do feel guilty at times, I really think it's the best option. I couldn't cope with being a full time parent, working odd hours AND studying! I know some people do it and I am in awe of them, but I just couldn't - not do it well anyway.
    For me I thought being with my son part time and feeling relaxed and having quality time with him was definatly better than being with him full time and feeling constantly tired and stressed and not really having much time to spend with him anyway. If your daughters happy where she is then let her stay there abit longer. Don't feel like a bad mum - you're not! Ultimatly you're working for your daughters future and in the meantime you just want her to be happy, that shows!

  4. #4
    God/dess sxybrat07's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2006
    Location
    in yer bum
    Posts
    3,827
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 12 Times in 11 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    The decision with your daugher has got to be difficult, I am sorry that you have to make that decision. I'm sure that whatever you decide, you will find a way to make it work. I (also) have a friend like that. At some point, you do just have to let it go. And, eventually, they will either wake up on their own, or go on in the same life they have created. Unfortunately, there's not much more you can do to help I hope everything works out for you, please let us know how you are doing!!
    I believe you Dottie and you have my support

  5. #5
    Sitri
    Guest

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do because I don't know the whole situation, but if I were in this situation, I would stay in school to be able to finally get in a position where I could stabilize my life and income situation.

    Then I would get my daughter back when I could be a good example for her and be able to spend quality time with her. Having her back now would put additional stress in the situation which could sabotage the progress in school.

    The friend is a distraction which will cause loss of focus. I would let her live her life. I would not let her pull me back down or use my mental energy trying to plan her life while mine is a mess.

    I would write down on paper what I am going to accomplish and I would put it on my mirror so that I would reaffirm every moment what I am GOING to do and why I am GOING to be happy when this is done and how I will be a better parent because I accomplished this.

  6. #6
    God/dess kryssy's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Dayton, Ohio
    Posts
    2,563
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    I too feel guilty about the amount of time that I get to spend with my kids. I go to school from 6 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. Mon- Wed., work from 6 p.m. - 3 a.m. Thurs., Sat, and Sunday. And still have to find time to do homework, study, and spend time with hubby. My "outside family" (dad, sib.'s, ect.) say that they feel left out of my life.

    I do spend all of Friday and most of Sunday with my "inside family" (hubby, kids) as long as I don't have any major papers to do or have to study for something major.

    Stay in school. It's what is best for her and for YOU! Try to visit her or have her come to visit you. Maybe work a few extra nights and have her come to you after the ex's baby is born.

  7. #7
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Home
    Posts
    13,598
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 28 Times in 23 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    I think it would be good for you to leave Katy at her dad's. It's not selfish that you want her back with you...but I think it would be selfish to bring her back when you are not ready. One more year and you'll be done with school and more stable...and she can move back with you. I agree that you should do a video-phone your daughter several times a week. Maybe go visit her once or twice. I know it's kind of expensive, but you'll get to spend some time with her...and she'll see that you haven't forgotten her.

    The friend...I think you handled that situation just fine. You have enough on your plate without having to worry about someone else. She's got to do what she's going to do. Some people realize that there is another way...some people dream of another way but never make the changes to make it a reality. There's nothing you can do...and if it's stressing you out like this, then it's better that you let her go.

    Take care of yourself.

  8. #8
    God/dess
    Joined
    Jan 2005
    Location
    NJ
    Posts
    3,786
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    As you can see from all the posts above and you can add mine, you're not alone.

    Definitely stay in school, then get your girl back. What a wonderful life you'll be able to provide her once you finish and what a great role model for her you'll be if you can accomplish all of this. Strength and independence are important things to teach your daughter and we should lead by example. You are the BEST kind of mother for being able to put your feelings aside for the welfare of your child.

    I'm sure everyone has a friend like yours...I am without my coke addicted friend for a month now. I miss her like crazy, but I can't be there while she throws her life away. I guess I hoped that missing my friendship would have woken her up, but it didn't.

    Deal with your own life...you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. She's not ready yet.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel...you'll reach it, have your girl back and live a happy life...I just know it. Hugs to you.

  9. #9
    Veteran Member Miss_Eliza's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2003
    Location
    canada
    Posts
    247
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    You are right. You can not help somebody that can not help themself. Sometimes people need to hear how stupid they are being. When you talk to her tell her what she already knows. That she is being an idiot. If you can't talk to her. Then tell her you have your own stuff to worry about that you can't talk to her until she grows up.

    I am facing the same situation with my son as you are with your daughter.
    Next Jan I will be attending school on the west coast . My family and life is here on the east coast. So I had a decission to make. To up root my son and his dad for two years and take them away from the rest of our family ; or to leave them here and go alone.

    So either my son can stay in a school he knows surrounded by people that love him missing me. Or he can be in a new school with new kids and daycare. Missing me while I go to school and work surounded by strangers.(his dad would be working also)

    Although we have different circumstances I think we feel the same way. Selfish for wanting to have our children with us , but like bad parents for not having them with us.

    Although it breaks my heart to be away from him. It is best for him to stay with his dad. Most people don't understand my decision. I will do what is best for my son. I can't say what is best for your daughter, but you know what is best for her.
    You say psycho like it's a bad thing

  10. #10
    AudreyLeigh
    Guest

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    Thanks everyone. I really needed that. I mean the reinforcement of the decisions I had *somewhat* already made. I still cant get Sarhas choices out of my head but I havent changed my mind.... I just cant deal with it... I guess our friendship is over. Im not really sad about it, I dont know why? Im just upset with what brought it to this point.

    I know my daughter is best with her daughter. I know this... its just sooo hard. But shes been begging me for a sister for a few years now so shes so excited. Im sure time will fly for her (especially with the baby)... ahhh... Im gonna go running and try to clear my head a bit further.

    Thanks again.

  11. #11
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2002
    Posts
    9,746
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 50 Times in 31 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    Hi honey;
    I can't even touch the issue with your daughter. That is hugely personal and I don't even have kids.

    About your friend - I'm going to go against the grain and say that you are wrong. I wouldn't suggest trying to save her, because you can't. I wouldn't suggest giving her money if you know it will do her no good. But women in abusive relationships do not need to be isolated from their greater community. That will not help, and can only reinforce her dependencies. It is not a choice between enabling and disowning. I mean, at the least you could call her regularly just to let her know that you love her, and believe in her and will be there when she is ready to start picking up her life. I mean, you shouldn't let it subsume your own life - that wouldn't be good for either of you. But to me it sounds like you are really, really angry with her for not living up to your expectations, and being angry isn't a good reason to cut people off - particularly people with whom you have cultivated a relationship of need and dependency.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  12. #12
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Home
    Posts
    13,598
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 28 Times in 23 Posts

    Default Re: Need Support (really long rant)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny
    About your friend - I'm going to go against the grain and say that you are wrong. I wouldn't suggest trying to save her, because you can't. I wouldn't suggest giving her money if you know it will do her no good. But women in abusive relationships do not need to be isolated from their greater community. That will not help, and can only reinforce her dependencies. It is not a choice between enabling and disowning. I mean, at the least you could call her regularly just to let her know that you love her, and believe in her and will be there when she is ready to start picking up her life. I mean, you shouldn't let it subsume your own life - that wouldn't be good for either of you. But to me it sounds like you are really, really angry with her for not living up to your expectations, and being angry isn't a good reason to cut people off -
    Personally, I disagree with this. While people in abusive relationships shouldn't be "cut off" from the outside world, there are times when a friend needs to say, "enough is enough." This woman has no desire to make any changes...and having someone she can rant on and relieve her frustrations in takes her out of her "hell" for a while and makes it more bearable for her to stay. By "rescuing" her, you are enabling her to put up with more abuse. She shouldn't be cut off from the rest of the world, but she's doing it to herself. And, to tell her that you will not have any more contact with her until she moves out and works to pick herself up out of the hole she's dug for herself...sometimes that's needed.

    When people are made to live with their choices...it's how they become more aware of where they are.

    It doesn't sound that Audrey is angry that this woman isn't "living up to her expectations" but that she continues to stay in an abusive relationship, not stand up for herself, digs her hole a little deeper...

    There is nothing that can be done for this woman. Sometimes letting someone go to fully experience the full consequences of their life decisions is the most loving thing a friend can do. And, that's just MHO.

    particularly people with whom you have cultivated a relationship of need and dependency.
    BTW...this is called co-dependency and it's never helped anyone to live a quality life. The person this woman needs to depend on is herself and not Audrey. That goes for anyone else. Co-dependency...taking repsonsibility for someone else's actions, etc is not healthy...not for anyone involved.

Similar Threads

  1. Just need to rant!!!!!!! Long
    By icey in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 12-04-2007, 09:23 AM
  2. i need some support! (super long)
    By pipermarau in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-27-2006, 08:06 PM
  3. She tried me (long rant)
    By sexysweet in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-26-2006, 05:58 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •