As I was writing this I got a phone call from my best friend... Im adding this hard news to the end...
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Im sad. Im doing my best... I just ugh... I just miss my daughter - sometimes more than others but shes always in my head. If youve seen any of my posts Im a very undecisive person - always putting things off, changing plans, never staying put, etc. The only thing that Ive always been consistant on is my daughter. Always put her first, always be there for her, always take care of her, nurture her, never harm her in any way, etc...
Anyway - last May her dad and I decided she would go to Maui to live with him for a year so I can go to school. School is 1 year and shed be back in the summer after school was done. Well, due to my procrastination (and hating that beauty school) I didnt go. Plan failed. The repercussions are finally hitting home.
I finally bucked down. I found a beautiful school that I love. I started Feb 28th. 8 months after I was supposed to start. I finish March 2007.
My daughter is/was? supposed to come back this July when she finishes 1st grade. July is slowly creeping up and I dont know what to do.
My current schedule (and will be for a year)
I leave for school at 745AM and get home at 7PM Tues-Fri. Sat I leave for work at 530PM. Get home late, wake up around 12PM on Sun then leave at 530 for work. Wake up around noon Mon. Run errands Monday. Get to bed to go to school again on Tues.
If/when she comes back A) she will be in daycare a LOT or B) my guy will be burdened with 'having' to care for her. Its not like my guy wouldnt or doesnt want to BUT this isnt his child. Why should he give up ALL his free time for a year so I can have my daughter here and go to school. AND if/when she comes back and DOES go into daycare Ill have to work MORE to pay for it! So thats even HARDER. Id have to work all night and go to school on 4 hours of sleep! (did it ONCE - horrible)
This brings to me 2 things. Im selfish for wanting her back just to be in the above situation. Or 2 - Im a bad mom for letting her stay with her dad for another year.
I spoke with her dad who says he would love for her to stay. His fiance and him are expecting a baby in 7 weeks and my daughter is sooo excited. Im also afraid that this will put a harder burden on him that hes not ready for.. you know?
My mom says to do whats in my heart. I dont know whats in my heart. I want 2 things but cant have both. I feel bad for somewhat wanting her to stay there another year so I can finish school but then again I feel bad about wanting her back to have her in daycare or raised by Ryan.
I dont know what to do. Im sooo torn. I know no one can make this decision for me. Im not really asking that. I just wanted to share this... its so hard. If I was just dancing and not going to school it would be simple - just have her come back. Im also afraid if she comes back itll be too hard and Ill end up dropping out of school. I dont want to by any means but its just such a tough situation.
I know lots of mothers work and go to school. They also dont have the luxury of being able to work 1-2 days a week like I do so it makes me feel even worse.
And the worse part - in the end - it all comes down to money. Really. If I didnt have to work it would be managable. Ry would watch her a few hours Tues-Fri and Id spend Sat-Mon with her. Its such a sad situation really. My daughter comming or not comes down to literally $2000 a month. How pathetic is that?!
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I just got off the phone with my 'best friend' Sarha. Sarha has had a very hard life. You wouldnt expect a whole lot from someone whos parents were both doped up and drunk her entire life. Sarha has 4 children (1 she put up for adoption) and had 1 abortion about 2 years ago. She lives with a loser who doesnt work. Neither does Sarha. The losers mom owns the house they live in and pays the morgage. Whenever Sarha gets money (welfare or a short lived job that loser ends up sabotaging) losers mom pretty much forces her to give it to her. Yet loser never has to give his mom anything, nor does his mom try to get him to get a job. Losers mom lets loser drive a car shes making payments on.
Loser is really abusive - mentally, physically, emotionally. Ive always been there for her. I know she needs someone strong to help her and give her support. I dont tell her what to do but try to help her see the 'light'. I would buy her clothes when I saw hers were tattered or didnt fit. She never asked for anything but my friendship. She never asked for clothes or pedicures, or anything else I bought her. I did it because I love her. She is a good friend to me, she listens to me and we talk. We are close to eachothers children and she adores Ry. She is by no means a user. She wasnt my friend because I had money. When we started becomming good friends we both lived in low income housing and were both on welfare and I worked a job making $800 a month. Weve both changed a lot since then... six years ago.
But shes been acting really strange since I started school.... doesnt call me back for over a week at a time... chats are short where they used to be long.
About 3 weeks ago she received a check for $500 from child support. She bought food for the house and paid the overdue elect bill. She then got another check for $2000 (her ex tried to get a tax return which she got) Im all excited. She can finally get a little car and try to get her shit together. Shes excited too. Or at least I thought. I start looking in papers and online for her. Calling and leaving messages with cars that would be good for around $1K. No calls back. Nothing.
She calls me tonite. I know shes drunk. She tells me Im going to be mad at her. (shes always taken my opinion highly and doesnt like upsetting me. its more because im only reinforcing what she already knows) I tell her I wont get mad. She tells me she got a dog. I laugh. She says its not funny. She doesnt want the dog anymore. I ask her if she got a car. No. I tell her Ill help her find the dog a home. She says loser doesnt want to get rid of the dog. OK, Im thinking, whatever. This is the THIRD time shes gotten dogs she ended up not wanting a couple weeks later. Then she tells me she BOUGHT the dog. For FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I get upset at this. She spent car money on a DOG?! I say how did you find this dog? Someone sitting outside with a box of puppies that say FOR SALE: $500 and you get one? No. She was looking through the paper for a car and ended up with a dog. WTF???
She says she went to welfare and got another $500.
She then tells me (in her drunken state) that shes SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT and didnt tell me because she was scared of what i would say. No shit?! You have 3 kids you cant take care of and youre having another?! Youre reinforcing statistics. WTF is wrong with you?! You had $3000 in the last few weeks and f*cking BLEW it KNOWING you are pregnant. Did you get anything for the baby? ANYTHING? no. nada. nothing. she got a dog. $3000 and a few weeks later she has nothing but a dog she doesnt want and doesnt need. Oh, and cant sell the dog. Loser wants to keep it. I spoke with him - WTF WTF WTF!?!?!? You people have $0 to your name and a dog worth $500 and you want to KEEP it? He says Sarha wanted the dog, she got it and it stays. No, moron... YOU wanted a dog and somehow got her excited about it and had her spend her LAST $500 on it. Next -
Youre pregnant and on top of that youre DRUNK! She tells me her life sucks and that she knew Id be mad. No, Im not mad that youre pregnant (tho a bit irritated I KNEW it would happen) Im mad that youre f*cking drunk while youre pregnant. WTF is wrong with you. Youve been lucky in the past but may not be again. Just because you hate your life is no reason to ruin the life of the baby youre carrying. Then her phone died (I know it died, she wouldnt hang up on me, believe me)
There was MUCH more ranting from me and apologizing from her in this conversation. Im so upset I cant even remember it all. These are just the main points. Im sitting here in a WTF state.
I cant do it anymore. Im done. I love her but nothing I do will help her. Were drifting apart. Im going somewhere - shes going further into the hole she has dug. Even if she blew the first $500 (to be expected!) she could have helped herself with the $2K but no. Shes pregnant again and stuck. Theres no helping her. Im done. I told her I love her but after this I wont help her anymore. I cant help her if she cant help herself. I never wanted to 'save' her... I just hoped to help her see that she CAN help herself. She didnt see it. Instead she dug and dug and dug.
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Im exhausted. And if you made it to this line Im sure you are too. I dont know really what I need/want. Its more of a rant... Im just so confused with my baby and now this with Sarha. After what just happened Im thinking the best thing is to let sleeping dogs lie. Leave Katy with daddy (shes happy there). Finish school. Leave Sarha behind. Keep going. One day at a time I guess. Gosh. Bad news comes in threes. Heres two. Whats next? oh yea, taxes...![]()


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The decision with your daugher has got to be difficult, I am sorry that you have to make that decision. I'm sure that whatever you decide, you will find a way to make it work. I (also) have a friend like that. At some point, you do just have to let it go. And, eventually, they will either wake up on their own, or go on in the same life they have created. Unfortunately, there's not much more you can do to help
I hope everything works out for you, please let us know how you are doing!!
Try to visit her or have her come to visit you. Maybe work a few extra nights and have her come to you after the ex's baby is born.



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