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Thread: not telling my boyfriend

  1. #1
    Senior Member gelsey's Avatar
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    Default not telling my boyfriend

    I started danceing this summer, but took a long break because of school and started dating this guy...its been 6 months now and I have only danced one night since we started dating...and I lied to him and said I was going to see some friends (not complete lie) I have tried to talk to him about danceing...he is very conseritve and still has a problem that I have friends to dance.
    The shaky part is that we met the night I won a wet tshirt (top less) contest...he was there. But it bugs him that his friends saw me and that I may be too wild for him. He also worries that he is holding me back. I love him so much and know that I am getting to a point that I either need to say hey I am gonna do this you can take it or leave it (hard thing there i feel like he may tell his fraterinity brothers, and it will get around the greek sytem that I am a part of, I drive 3 hours to the club for safty and privacey, yeah I know that privacy is a odd choice), or give it up all together. I dont know where to go from here. I have totaly stalled out. I am booked in a club on the 14th and he and I are leaving on the 15th to go to his family's for Easter weekend. I am worried how I am going to pull that off. God I just dont want a double life, and dont want him to leave me and ruin me here.
    help please

  2. #2
    Senior Member gelsey's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    I just wanted to add in that every time I try talking to him about this he starts crying! very frustrating I feel like just by talking about it I am hurting him. keep it from him is hurting him and telling him will hurt him.
    All he knows is I have friends who dance, I have done a wet tshirt contest and have thought about stripping. he doesnt know that I did it steady for 3 months.

  3. #3
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    If you can't be completely open and honest about yourself with him, then it's not a good relationship.

  4. #4
    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    it sounds like you're a college student, so I'm assuming that you're dancing to pay your way through school.

    That's great. Not that your boyfriend's feelings are not important, but your education should come first. Same with your sorority....important, but not the most important part of your goals right now.

    Good luck. Love comes and goes, but your education lasts a lifetime.

  5. #5
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by gelsey
    I just wanted to add in that every time I try talking to him about this he starts crying! very frustrating I feel like just by talking about it I am hurting him. keep it from him is hurting him and telling him will hurt him.
    All he knows is I have friends who dance, I have done a wet tshirt contest and have thought about stripping. he doesnt know that I did it steady for 3 months.
    Thats emotional blackmail - dump him now and move on. Seriously! Geeezzz.

  6. #6
    Veteran Member candygrrl's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    I didnt tell my boyfriend for about a year or so, I wanted to so bad, but I felt like it would hurt him. nd i thought he would judge me. I hinted around to it a lot, but I couldnt do it, even though I think he had figured it out already by then.

    Eventually he found out by reading a few posts I had made on this board. I had been not dancing for like 2 months already when he confronted me abaout it while we were in a fight. I felt soooo bad, but he reassured me that he didnt judge me and he would support my decisions and love me no matter what. That makes me so happy. i am going back to work starting this week and I know he doesnt love it, but we just dont talk about the dirty details and it turns out ok.

    If you really love him and he loves you, I think you should tell him. He should support you and respect that you want to keep it private and if he doesnt then that decision is up to you.

    Good luck!!

  7. #7
    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by aussiepunkshocker
    Thats emotional blackmail - dump him now and move on. Seriously! Geeezzz.

    totally! Just that she's worried he's goin to tell all his friends shows a lot about his maturity level.

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    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    If your boyfriend can't handle who you are and what you like to do, then maybe he's not the right guy for you. Not every guy can handle dating a dancer. It doesn't make them bad guys if they can't handle it, it just makes them not the right guys for you. You need to find a guy who accepts everything about you.
    Take the road less traveled- just make sure you have a map.

  9. #9
    Featured Member lizlizliz's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    he CRIES when you bring it up?

    drop the conservative pussy.

  10. #10
    Senior Member TaraDoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    Hey sweetie, I'm a college student myself trying to pay my way through college. It's going great and I love my job. What's more important to you? Is your boyfriend more important than this job?? If he is then you know what to do. Try talking with him if at all possible.

  11. #11
    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    if hes not supporting you financially then get out... you shouldn't have to go through life being financially strapped just to stay with guy who doesn't support your interest in dancing.....do you guys have a past trust issue and maybe thats why he doesn't want you dancing????

  12. #12
    Banned gingerlee's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    I tried dating a guy that didn't want me to dance. Some guys just can't handle it. If you can't honestly tell him what you do then he probably isn't the guy for you. You can get a guy that wants to be with you, even if you dance.

  13. #13
    Senior Member gelsey's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    What is the best way to open the lines of communication? I want to keep every thing open and honest when I talk to him, not hurtful and ofesive...for either party.

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    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by gelsey
    What is the best way to open the lines of communication? I want to keep every thing open and honest when I talk to him, not hurtful and ofesive...for either party.
    Find a time when both of you are alone with no distractions, and tell him that you want to have a serious talk, without either one of you interrupting the other or raising your voices. After you say that, then tell him what is on your mind, and tell him that once you're done with your part, then he can respond to what you said. Just keep going back and forth like this. If you're in a good, stable relationship, then you should be able to have a serious conversation without interrupting or raising voices. If you can't get through a conversation like this, then is the relationship worth staying in? In a relationship you have to be able to talk about things that bother you and have conversations without fighting.
    Take the road less traveled- just make sure you have a map.

  15. #15
    Featured Member mild2wild's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    if he is not giving you money to pay for your needs and wants then keep dancing, why should you live on next to nothing rationing out your food for the week so he can say he loves and cares for you!! get out before you fall in love.

    GOOD LUCK
    Australian Strippers WWW.MILD2WILD.COM.AU

  16. #16
    Senior Member gelsey's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    Aready in love. Actualy I told him last night. Canceled my date at the club...was doing it more as a favor to a friend anyway..she hates the club.

    here is what happened:

    Basicaly for him it came out of nowhere. He didnt cry...THANK GOD! He was much more mad that I lied about it in the first place, every time I had tried to talk to him about it he would cry and we would get no where. Since I am fine money wise I will dance while we are together with out talking about it with him first, why make him wrap his mind around two things in one hellish night. He was very quiet at first, I made it clear that i danced no where in the area, and why I had started. He was quiet again, he told me that he wasnt ashamed of me, he wasnt mad, he stil loved and liked me, and he still wanted to be with me. he is worred that he is too dull for me, I told him that I really am a dull person and the rest is acting (total truth, most of the time would rather watch SVU, and sex and the city in sindcation). Right now I cant really see myself dancing, loved it at the time but its not the same now, not fun and am making money other ways. Taking out loans for school and have started my own biz. What is in my way is being away from him, lame sounding I know (very new feeling for me, I am going with it) All he asked is that I dont lied to him again, no matter how much it may hurt him. I didnt tell him before because i didnt want to hurt him, but in reality I didnt give him a chance to be mad at me, and not to deal with dateing a dancer (former). He even said he didnt know how he would have reacted. So it was good and bad thing that I waited so friggin long to tell him. We are pretty good right now. I know we will be okay. Still I have this crazy fear that he will just disapear, but I have to trust him.
    so I guess thats the end of my story.

  17. #17
    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    well im glad things worked out decently well for you..... i'm suprised his reaction wasn't as crazy as what you thought it would be...

  18. #18
    Veteran Member candygrrl's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    aw i'm happy for you too, glad he took it well. i'd like to take back my previous post that made my boyfriend sound all sweet and caring and replace it with someone who last night basically called me a whore in not so many words, and did not stand up for me at a party where i was sexually harrassed. Guys change, and I'm glad your guy changed for the better, but mine changed for the worse.

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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    You guys are going to go through a lot of guys. Most people in life get involved long term with those who share the same career they are in, or who have experience in it. In other words a guy who has not been a strip club patron, employee, or who doesn't work in one now, very likely won't understand this business and can be a potential problem.

    Many young guys hang around a lot of friends and family plays a bigger role in their lives so they are more concerned about what that peer group thinks of them.

    I always say that college aged dancers need to become stable financially through dancing and not be so worried about boyfriends who are immature and unsure of themselves. The relationships that you build once you prove to have been stable from dancing (money in the bank, your own apt or house) tend to be better as the guys you meet know what you are about before they meet you, andyou don't have to get serious with any of them until a guy who is cool with the business comes along.

  20. #20
    Senior Member noctina's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    i met my boyfriend in a club (not a strip club, just a dance club) and i told him the night i met him that i stripped. we hung out for a while and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. i stripped a couple more times, and he even came into the strip club to visit me. he watched me give lapdances and got very jealous, and told me that "it tears him up inside" and that he can't stand the thought of guys looking at me like a peice of meat. i told him that i was stripping before i even met him, and that he shouldn't have dated me if it was a problem... and he definitely shouldn't come to the club and watch me. we compromised and i told him i would stop stripping after the summer is over, because i am in a financial crisis right now and need the money before november when i have to get a place of my own. i know i'm gonna need to strip once in a while after the summer is over, but i'm not going to tell him. i feel bad for being dishonest, but i believe that a woman has to take care of herself before she caters to a jealous and insecure man. it is all about securing your own future. my boyfriend sure as hell can't afford to pay my rent or my college, so he expects me to sit around and be a broke loser??? do what makes you happy and stable in your life. don't screw yourself over because of "love". you can't live on love.

  21. #21
    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
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    Default Re: not telling my boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by noctina
    we compromised and i told him i would stop stripping after the summer is over, because i am in a financial crisis right now and need the money before november when i have to get a place of my own. i know i'm gonna need to strip once in a while after the summer is over, but i'm not going to tell him. i feel bad for being dishonest, but i believe that a woman has to take care of herself before she caters to a jealous and insecure man. it is all about securing your own future. my boyfriend sure as hell can't afford to pay my rent or my college, so he expects me to sit around and be a broke loser??? do what makes you happy and stable in your life. don't screw yourself over because of "love". you can't live on love.
    In a way you are contradicting yourself. You say that a woman has to take care of herself before she caters to an insecure man, yet you said that you are quitting for him after the summer, and will just do it once in a while without telling him. You yourself have to decide what is best to do before you can give advice to others. First you say that you are going to compromise with him and quit, then you say that a woman has to secure her own future and not cater to a jealous man. Which one is it?

    If you have to lie to your boyfriend about what you do, then it probably isn't a relationship that you should be in. When you are in a relationship with someone you should be able to be open and honest with them, and not have to hide things that are important to you.
    Take the road less traveled- just make sure you have a map.

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