Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 41

Thread: Should I warn her?

  1. #1
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Should I warn her?

    When I was 18 and a freshman, I entered an abusive relationship that dragged on for about 2 years with a jerk whom I will refer to as Anal Douche. He heard about me through a friend, contacted me through email because I reminded him of his ex, whom I will refer to as Phantom, and Anal and I hooked up at the start of college. Right away, things didn't feel right. He always talked of his ex, constantly comparing us and always trying to transform me into her. He even had the audacity to ask me to read their old love letters, and even admitted that I was only a substitute until he could get back with her. I'd ask him to please not talk about it, but he'd tell me that I'd have to accept him for who he was. He was deliberately an ass to my friends, stating that we shouldn't be friends with wach other's friends because it would create awkward situations. He'd call me stupid, not apologize, but go onto wierd tangents with logic based on wormhole theories, hurt my feelings and consider it hilarious, and otherwise chip away at my self esteem. I, like most other women in abusive relationships, stayed because I thought that I was being too sensitive, wanted to become the kind of woman that he wanted me to be because it seemed like a better deal, not knowing that it was all his imagination that always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. He's in the film business, so of course he's subscribed to some trendy school of thought which he uses to justify his assholism. Next on the list will probably be Kabbalah, Scientology, or cocaine. Any penitance is a pretentious and ostentatious substitute for actually doing something. Instead, he twists around the psychology and uses it to convince others to let him

    He's dating another girl, fresh out of high school, as stupid and naive and gulliable as I was. I'm not trying to sabotage their relationship, and I'm not trying to be an obcessed stalker hell bent on ruining his life like he ruined mine, but I would have loved for Phantom to have contacted me and assured me that it wasn't me, it was his stank attitude, and that he had a history of this emotional sadomasochism. I eventually did run into Phantom because we ran in the same social circles, and we talked about the whole thing. I discovered that she was not the goddess that Anal made her out to be, but a HUMAN. We're good friends now, and it helped me get over him.

    Should I send an email to his new girlfriend to give her a warning? I'm not planning to give her a rundown of the history of our relationship, but rather send her this link, which is a really good essay about emotionally abusive men. Yes, she'll probably shrug it off and consider me a pscho ex, but I would have loved the reassurance. I went through hell dating him, and I don't want anyone to have to go through the same. Whenever I meet a girl who wants to start stripping, I warn her about what to avoid so she can avoid what I stupidly endured. I don't press it on them, but I like to make them aware of things.

  2. #2
    Member lady_lolita's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Wollongong NSW Australia
    Posts
    16
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    i dont have a yes or no maybe some one else does

    but here is what i have to say

    Go with what is in ur heart

    my experence i am a child of a abusive relationship until i was 14 years old and i kicked my dad out......a few years on my mum is now with another man who is just like my dad i tryed to tell her ...... and he has now gone on to touch my breast infornt of m husban BF at the time, then beat my mum up and my stupid mum is still with him after all this and so much more.

    on topic a bit more, this girl may or may not listen but if u do send it atleats u tryed.
    i belive u meet people evryday because we have to learn life lessions, i can tell u have taken this bad experance and spin it into a positive and i can tell it has helped u grow

    do what u think is right

  3. #3
    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2003
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    7,772
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 40 Times in 35 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    Same thing happened to me. I was with some weirdo creepy guy... very emotionally abusive and I couldn't get RID of him! But, I wouldn't have figured it out so fast if his ex hadn't messaged me on myspace and warned me. She wrote to me about specific things that he did to her and how it affected her. At first, I was like "wow, she's crazy". But it made me pay attention and I saw through him so much faster. When you get info like that on a new bf, you don't just totally blow it off (unless you LIKE to have your head always buried in the sand).
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  4. #4
    Featured Member WiseGuy_TX's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Houston,Tx
    Posts
    1,522
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 136 Times in 79 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    My advice is no, dont email her. If she currently has feelings for him it will just make your opinion look like poison. She may be the kind of person who likes his BS. Let her figure it out herself. .....but if you happen to run into her somewhere in person then i think its OK to say something like "My name is KrazyJane, Anal's ex. If he starts treating you like shit like he did me, feel free to come talk to me about it". Just leave the door open should she wish to someday walk through it.
    "Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip-club? He smells like sweat and fear." - Lois and Stewie (Family Guy) ... "Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see..."

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    115
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    mmmmmmmm What about contacting her and sending her what you wrote here. Say you thought about it.. and decided that you could not, in good conscience, NOT tell her what you went through, and she can make her own observations and decisions from there.

  6. #6
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I'm writing an email that tells what happened, with a big disclaimer that I'm not trying to sabotage their relationship, and that I promise not to contact her again. I've decided that I can warn, and what she does after that is her business. Thanks guys. I've attended over 30 hours of counseling because of the relationship, and I want to tell her what I wish I had been told. Yes, I probably would have brushed off such a warning as a phycho ex, but it would have catalyzed my realizations.

  7. #7
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2004
    Location
    House of Aion
    Posts
    8,074
    Thanks
    7,881
    Thanked 5,705 Times in 2,127 Posts
    My Mood
    In Love

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I think it's a great idea. I had a shitty ex, too, and his best friend and ex both warned me. I thought they were being harsh but I found out 7 months in that they were right. They had my best interests at heart. I was more prepared for the possibility of a breakup.

  8. #8
    God/dess krchab99's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    3,233
    Thanks
    100
    Thanked 43 Times in 30 Posts
    My Mood
    Breezy

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I think yes you should becuse of her age she is very vounrable i think it says alot about you that you care enough to do that.

  9. #9
    CherryPie~
    Guest

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    ..good moral dilemma. I've been the woman warned, and YES it is so helpful and comforting to know that someone else has been there and they care enough to say sth! Even if at first you do seem like a pscycho stalker. You can set it up like, "now he may very well have turned over a new leaf, BUT...." Just a warning b/c she is so young.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Apr 2006
    Location
    greenland
    Posts
    83
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    yes you should. if I was her, I'd want someone to warn me.

  11. #11
    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2005
    Location
    California
    Posts
    3,776
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    Yes, I say you should because then it is HER choice whether to ignore it or not, and you will have done your duty as a good human being trying to save yet another good human being from being smashed to shit by a bad human being.

  12. #12
    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Bay Area, CA
    Posts
    1,391
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 15 Times in 13 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I think it was a good choice to warn her. So many abusive people sell themselves as these poor, misunderstood "victims" themselves... but in the end, it is they that are the abusers/victimizers.

    I know I'd sure like to have such information. Could save months of years of time dealing with a chronic abusive person.

    I'd also say keep this link handy:
    http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

    It works both ways for men AND women as it simply makes for a good checklist for verbal abuse signs.

    If yer with someone that hits like 70-90% of these.. you know you're in trouble!
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

  13. #13
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    Polecat, thanks for the link. I'm going to add it to my bookmarks.

  14. #14
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    Dear *******,

    I dated Anal Douche for over a year, and I have attended over 30 hours of counseling in attempt to erase the pain caused by the abusive relationship. I don’t want him back, and I’m not trying to sabotage your relationship, I’m not trying to blacklist him, I’m just telling you what I wish I had heard years ago.

    I don't even care if you take this advice, or if you stay with him, or if you think I’m a psychotic stalker ex. I promise that I won’t contact you after this unless you want me to. As aforementioned, I have attended over 30 hours of counseling to heal the emotional damage left by Anal, and I wish that Phantom had contacted me while I was dating him and warned me about his ways. It would have made me realize the bad situation even faster, perhaps saving me from months or years of depression. I hope that you’re a lot happier than I was with him, and that this email is unnecessary. If there is something wrong, please listen to your intuition. Dignity is non-negotiable. I also don't care if you show this to him or not. If you do, please tell him to say hi to his mother, who is so wonderful that I wonder how such a demon managed to slip from her womb.

    The big thing about Anal is that he can't stand reality because reality conflicts with his fantasies. The grass is perpetually greener on the other side, which he euphemizes as nostalgic reminiscence. For example, in his mind, Phantom will always be the perfect girlfriend because he can warp his memories until she rejects him yet again with a verbal bitchslap. Think about it, he’s a film director. He’s supposed to formulate a fantasy and order people to conform to that fantasy, but never be completely satisfied with the results. However, he can’t dissociate work from personal life, and the only way that one could be his perfect girlfriend is if they were psychic and could change her entire personality based on his whims, even if it contradicted itself. In our relationship, he constantly compared me to Phantom and Counterexample, as if it were a continuum. A compliment was often, “Yeah, that’s very elegant. That’s something that Phantom would have worn.” Likewise, disgust was expressed with, “That’s something Counterexample would’ve said/done.” I wonder if I’ve joined that list of comparisons, and I wonder if he still audibly compares you all. For the longest time, I strived to become Phantom because Anal would constantly tell me how smart, beautiful, elegant, and perfect she was, and even thought nothing of introducing us (he probably wanted me to pick up a few pointers from her). I later learned that this model was nothing but his fantasy, and that Phantom is indeed wonderful and a human at that. I thought that if I could only be smarter, if only I could be tough skinned enough to stand up to him and not be bothered by his cracks, things would be good. In short, I stayed with him to try to toughen myself up. I dumped him when I realized that there were so many more people that I could be my happy self around without having to worry about being judged as "pretentious (Anal's favorite word used to describe everybody but himself. Pot kettle black) or stupid (yes, he called me that several times, sometimes in front of his friends).

    Anal is also an emotional sadomasochist. Why do you think he keeps going back to Phantom? He wants people to criticize him so he can feel like he is enduring enough to qualify as change for the better. Perhaps he has indeed finally changed and no longer takes pride in being an insulting snob, but more likely he is still pantomiming improvement via his cultish beliefs in the Forum, trying to convince himself and others that ostentatious claims and recruiting are tantamount to actual personal improvement. If I had a dollar for every time he claimed to have stumbled onto a new way of life and that he was going to be so much nicer to others, I wouldn’t have to be taking out loans for nursing school. Such beliefs are psychological placeboes based on hype. Anal also needs to be miserable and complaining to be happy. In Alcoholics Anonymous terms, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Anal, however, never gets past the first step and consider it fine to be an asshole as long as he acknowledges it and just keeps finding new hypes, solutions, and justifications. He also wants what he can’t have.

    I was once naive, had a low self esteem, and allowed myself to be told that I was too sensitive. Here are some things I wish I had known while dating him:
    1) If you ask someone to stop something that’s making you uncomfortable (i.e. constantly regaling you with stories of his past relationships as if to make comparisons and suggesting that you’d do well to conform to their molds) and he simply snorts and says that you’re going to have to accept him for who he is, you’re not being too sensitive or unaccepting. Listen to when your intuition tells you that you are being disrespected.
    2) If you let a dog pee on the rug, it’s going to continue. If you take a guy back after he’s wronged you, he’s going to start thinking, “Hysterical wench. Must be her time of month. I’ll just turn my back on her and wait for her to come begging/convince her that she’s being too sensitive. She’ll come around and apologize for it.”
    3) Penitence isn’t penitence if it’s ostentatious and expects forgiveness, justifies actions, or compliments for the honesty. Likewise, “I’m being totally open and honest with you,” to the point where you could write a biography abou this ex can be nothing more than a ploy to seem remorseful while instating, "This is how I am, accept me for it."
    4) Constructive criticism is helpful and voluntary. Verbal abuse is unsolicited, condescending and has self-serving ulterior motives. Being called “naïve” and being told, “I’m trying to help you become an adult,” are neither compliments nor philanthropy. Fuck the people who claim that they're making you a better person. Who asked them, especially if they're condescending and act like they're doing a huge favor by telling you that you're inferior to them? Real friends let you grow up on your own.
    5) Just because he says, “We talked about this before, and it never goes anywhere,” doesn’t mean that you are being hysterical and senseless.
    6) Wanting exes to stay in the past is not jealousy. If you are in a ménage et trios with the phantom of his ex, then you have every right to be upset.

    Last but not least, here are a couple links to websites that have pretty good indicators of emotionally manipulative boyfriends. This is a pretty good checklist of warning signs, and this essay made me cry the first time I read it because it's so true.

    Again, I am simply admonishing you with the information that I wish I had been aware of years ago. If you had survived a painful situation, I'm sure that you'd want to warn others as well. I am not telling you what to do, and I will never contact you again unless you ask me to. I wish you luck, and I hope that you are being spared the emotional abuse that I endured.

    Best Wishes,
    KJ

  15. #15
    Member Monolith's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2006
    Location
    In Daron Malakian's Bed :P
    Posts
    53
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I think you did the right thing. So many woman would have been saved lots of tears and heartache if they had warnings.
    Feiticeira/CorsicaFire

  16. #16
    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Watching lalaland
    Posts
    2,307
    Thanks
    17
    Thanked 39 Times in 34 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    YES, please do warn her!

  17. #17
    Member
    Joined
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    62
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    KrazyJane.....you are awesome! Thank you for doing this

  18. #18
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    Thanks for the support guys! Right now, I'm getting cold feet b/c I had a stalker ex (different guy) who sabotaged my life by telling my uncle that we had had sex and he had lied to me about getting tested for STDs (the loser claimed that he was doing a huge favor for be by being honest and telling my uncle how unreasonable I was) and ordered to to let him speak to my new bf because, "You're a bad, abusive person and I need to warn him about that." Granted, this ex was possessive, whiny, emotionally manipulative, had flunked that 10th grade 3 times, and got feelings of self-worth by convincing me that I was stupid and needed his help. Although the situations are different, I can't help but remember crying when he would do things like call my apartment and demand to talk to my roommate, or sucking up to my aunt and uncle with juicy secrets. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing it to warn her, not to ensure that Anal's life will be miserable without me, but this damned empathy thing is giving me cold feet.

    What do you think of the email guys? Should I add anything? Delete anything?
    Last edited by Krazyjane; 04-17-2006 at 03:57 AM.

  19. #19
    Featured Member WiseGuy_TX's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Houston,Tx
    Posts
    1,522
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 136 Times in 79 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I'm glad to see you thinking through both sides before making a decision.
    "Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip-club? He smells like sweat and fear." - Lois and Stewie (Family Guy) ... "Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see..."

  20. #20
    Featured Member Tiff_7_17's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    861
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I think the email was great....this girl is so young that it'll either deeply affect her or she'll ignore it and kick herself over it later.
    Either way, you'll have helped her.
    Send it, I think its you did a great job on it.

  21. #21
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    May 2005
    Posts
    287
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I think the email is great, and good for you for writing it. At least, you've done something good, and now it would be up to her. Even is she doesn't listen to your advice, she will remember it, and maybe the next time he says something abusive, she will go, "hmm, that's what his ex said, maybe she's right." She will observe his bs sooner for sure!

  22. #22
    Veteran Member pipermarau's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2006
    Location
    texas
    Posts
    387
    Thanks
    8
    Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts
    My Mood
    Confused

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    i wish we could scan guys like we do emails, or do one of those "carfax" checks on relationship history to see if abuse comes up. it would save a lot of heart ache..i jsut got my mother out of a horrible 13 year marraige. she ignored the warning signs and the advice of her friends and family...even me and still married the worhtlesssunuva...yeah. some women jsut need to feel giuded and complete. lets pray she's smart enough and emotionally stable enough to just say "back off" to this guy when he does something and understands nothing a man will ever do for you will "complete" you, maybe bring more joy in your life, but never make you whole. perhaps you should mention that in the email if you have not sent it yet. encourage her to be independant. i know most women who stay in those bad relationships never had anyone tell them that. maybe you could be the voice of reason she needs to get rid of creeps like that.

  23. #23
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    I'm still working on the email. I mean, this is the only email I'll be sending her, and there are so many warning signs. I also wonder how much I can send in a Myspace PM.

  24. #24
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,269
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    Update: I ended up not sending her the email, but I did send her the following links:

    Verbal Abuse Signs

    Emotional Abusers

    The Manipulator Files

    I'll send her that email if she asks for more, but as dumb as it sounds, I didn't want to seem like an obscessed sabotager who's still not over him after 3 years. I decided that she can decide what to do with the presented information. Those essays and checklists cover a lot of warning signs, so I figure that she'd get the same impression of these links as she would the email.
    Last edited by Krazyjane; 05-07-2006 at 09:56 PM.

  25. #25
    God/dess threlayer's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Syracuse
    Posts
    5,921
    Thanks
    369
    Thanked 419 Times in 290 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Should I warn her?

    You expressed yourself very well. I hope it helps.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Really needing advice.. tipping bouncers to warn you if..
    By AnotherBruisedPeach in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 03-11-2011, 04:33 PM
  2. you TRIED to warn me bout these PIMPS (rant)
    By genesia in forum Newbie Board
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 08-14-2006, 09:45 PM
  3. Do you warn your woman when...
    By merely_lurking in forum General Board
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 10-20-2003, 12:34 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •