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Thread: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    OK I wrote in earlier posts about how I wanted to go to the Jersey shore to look at clubs for the summer. A friend/co-worker of mine, "Lucinda," wanted to come along, esp since she'd had recent problems with a co-worker at our club and didn't feel comfortable going back to work there. We agreed that I would be the one driving. This is because:
    a) She doesn't have a car, nor even a driver's license.
    b) Because she hadn't been working at our club in over a week, she didn't have any money for bus/train fare to the shore.

    So anyways, we're all set to go look at clubs in AC, when she says "My boyfriend 'Mason' is coming along too." She has this serious boyfriend/recent fiancee, and he follows her EVERYWHERE! The only place he doesn't go with her to is work, but he has her call him at 2am to tell him that she's leaving the club and will be home soon. If it is say, 2:07am and I haven't been around for her to borrow my cell phone because I'm wrapping it up in the couch room, she'll get all panicked, like a teenage child who worries about making it home by curfew. Point is, he's a very dominant partner in the relationship and also kinda assumes role as baby-sitter of her; me being a very aggressive, independent woman, I do not like some of the ways he runs things, but hey it's Lucinda's relationship not mine. (There's an incident or two that have made me a little suspicious of Mason lately, but I won't elaborate for now.)

    A few hours before we were set to leave, Lucinda called me to confirm our plans, and after seeking advice from a few close friends of mine, I told her that I didn't feel comfortable with Mason coming along. I told her that it wouldn't look the most professional to bring Mason along for auditions, and especially given the vampant prostitution in Atlantic City, the club managers might be prone to wrongly perceive Mason as our "pimp," esp since he has a broad-shouldered, very masculine build and he'd be there with 2 girls. I tried to tell her it was nothing personal, just professional, and if she wanted to go with him then I'd go alone but he happy to meet up with them later for lunch or something. Well of course he heard this, and started arguing, as he often does with her when she's on the phone. (He overhears all her convos) She got mad, hung up, then left a message later saying that I created a fight b/t them. But what was I supposed to do? I wouldn't feel comfortable having him come along...not only would it be unprofessional, but it'd paint a picture of me as being this submissive girly girl who can't do things on my own...exactly not how I am! So I just went to AC alone and everything went smoothly.

    I asked a few friends at work last night about this, and 100% of the people agreed with me that bringing along boyfriends would be unprofessional. What do you guys think? And should I try to amend things with her, or should I wait for her to try and amend things with me?

  2. #2
    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    You were totally right by what you did. Fuck that...having a man follow your everymove, listen in on your phone convo...shi that IS A PIMP!

    I don't blame you one bit for not allowing him to tag along. You were doing her a great favor by even offering to bring her along with you to AC to even get work. I wouldn't even bother trying to mend things with her. Obviously those 2 are in their own world together, so nothing is gonna break them up. I myself woudln't deal with the hassle.







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


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    Featured Member francescadubois's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    ^^You were absolutely right. I don't even let my male friends walk in the club with me to do auditions b/c it does look like you're getting pimped out. Tell her not to blame you b/c she's "dickmatized" (female equivalent of pussy whipped) and doesn't know how to be professional. You did the right thing.

  4. #4
    Member karen_darlin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    ... lol... "dickmatized"... I love it! Describes several of my friends, unfortunately.

    Yes, PhillyDancer, you were right. Just leave her be and find a new friend unless you're prepared to constantly deal with that kind of drama and always being shoved to the side because of him. And why the hell does she not even have a driver's license??

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    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Quote Originally Posted by francescadubois
    Tell her not to blame you b/c she's "dickmatized" (female equivalent of pussy whipped)
    Ha, I like that word..I'll have to use that sometime







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


  6. #6
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Thank you! That's exactly what my best guy friend/roommate "Dave" said, on a few occasions!

    And as for "Mason" being a pimp, there's more to it than that. OK now I'm gossiping LOL but thank god for annonymity of the net. He HOLDS HER MONEY. As in, when she comes home from work, he asks her to hand over the money she made, and whenever she needs money to go out with friends, get groceries, etc he gives her money from "his" stash. But she is 25 yrs old, not a small child, shouldn't a 25-yr-old be able to handle her own money? Right now he is not even working. One time when Lucinda didn't make much at work(it was an awful night for all of us!!), he told her "I'm not working a job until you get a regular non-dancing job" which is stupid, because she doesn't even have a diploma so the only job she'd get would be a McJob, and how could they pay bills on that?

    The other thing is, he gets mad when people whisper, because he thinks it's a sign people are talking shit, which ok I can see that point. But the other day, my friend simply said "I hope we can collect tips at the auditions at AC" and she was mumbling because she was tired, and he was like "stop whispering about me!!" even though she wasn't, and then for the next 15mins of our phone convo I'm still hearing him bitching in the background about how she mumbled that one meaningless line.

    Dude, I hated having parents make rules for me back when I was a 17 yr old child! Why would anyone put up with that shit when they're an adult and able to live on their own?? At least when I was a minor, I had a free roof over my head & free food, so my parents were justified to make rules; whereas with Lucinda, SHE'S the one paying the bills, yet Mason bosses her around?

  7. #7
    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982
    OK now I'm gossiping LOL but thank god for annonymity of the net.
    Spill it girl

    Quote Originally Posted by phillydancer1982
    He HOLDS HER MONEY. As in, when she comes home from work, he asks her to hand over the money she made, and whenever she needs money to go out with friends, get groceries, etc he gives her money from "his" stash. But she is 25 yrs old, not a small child, shouldn't a 25-yr-old be able to handle her own money? Right now he is not even working.
    OMFG you've got to be kidding me. What is wrong w/ females?! She is getting pimped out. That girl needs to get a clue and fast.







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


  8. #8
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Quote Originally Posted by karen_darlin
    And why the hell does she not even have a driver's license??
    Why? Because she lives in the city so she doesn't really need one to get around. HOWEVER you'd think that someone who grew up in the city would at least know how to get around via busses/subway like the back of their hand, right? She never takes mass transit! Isn't that kinda over sheltered? Seriously, I grew up in the suburbs where we NEVER had mass transit, but during the 6months that I didn't have my car last year, I practically had the whole Market Frankford El and Broad Street Subway routes memorized, along with countless bus schedules. So insteada taking trains, she has to rely on cabs(waaaay too expensive these days) or friends to give her rides. But I don't think I'm the only one who hates driving through the city, where there's tons of traffic, stops-n-starts(greeeaaat for gas mileage yeah right), and bad drivers.

  9. #9
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    And I think the reason Lucinda lets this continue, is because she is the type who is a girly-girl who latches too strongly to love. Apparently she's had kinda weird controlling boyfriends before. Mason has been PMSing up a storm lately, and many times when I'm hanging out with them, they'll get in arguments, and Mason will put on this act where he will pretend to storm away, just to get Lucinda to be all like "nooooo, come back! I can't live without you!" One time in the car, he non-seriously tried to dump her, not for real, but to evoke a reaction.

  10. #10
    Featured Member lizlizliz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    you're not her mother, you don't need to take care of her.

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    Featured Member lizlizliz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    wow, after reading the rest of this thread i think you should cut these people out of your life. they drain you, and you're left with nothing (except maybe ulcers) after you've given them everything .

  12. #12
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Yes, and to think that one time last year I lent them my car!! OK it was a beat-up car that was an extra car just sitting in my parking lot, that did nothing more than go from point A to point B, but I lent it to them once and they got a parking ticket. I didn't find out til a month later, when I was notified of it by mail, with the ticket address being their place with a late fee added. I asked them for the $60, and Mason tried to say it must have gotten stolen off the car because he didn't know about any ticket, and that I should go to court and fight it?? I'm like "you go to court then" and he's like "I can't, the car's in your name" but why would I want to waste 3-4hrs in court over $60? I make WAY more money than $60 in 3-4hrs at my club. And most courts do NOT take away parking tickets, if anything they'd just add on more court fees. So after being persistent about it, I got them to pay the $60 owed to me, but still...it seems like Mason tries to get outta paying for stuff. And not necessarily with me, but trying to get outta paying the parking court.

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    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Girl just leave them alone. I agree with Lizliz..they are gonna stress you to the point of ulcers. Hell, I'm cleanin house on people that I thought were my friends too.







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


  14. #14
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    I agree with you guys. The thing is, though, I do think Lucinda is an ok person, just with stupid judgment on guys. She is the type of girl who will do anything to keep a boyfriend. She also is the girly-girl who likes to have a protective, dominant boyfriend. Although I do not think she is happy, although sometimes she pretends that she is. (For example, one day she'll complain in tears to Mason about some issue, then the next day when I ask her about it she'll say insincerely "everything's fine now.")

    Here's something weird that one of her past boyfriends did. She started dancing when she was 18, but stopped for a few yrs because her boyfriend told her to stop dancing. BUT EVEN HER BOYFRIEND'S MOM SAID THAT SHE SHOULDA STARTED DANCING AGAIN!! This all occured back when the stripping industry was a lot better(2000, 2001), and she was making $700/shift. So instead of dancing, she worked as a nanny for her boyfriend's family, making $100 per 9am-5pm shift. I said "why would you do that?" and she was like "But $100 a day is beautiful money!!" Not compared to $700 for half the time!! That's like calling actress/model Amy Smart beautiful...yeah she's cute, but then put her next to Angelina Jolie, and if you had your pick...yeah you get my point.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    It sounds to me like she has low self esteem and is in a controlling relationship. That is sad, but there is nothing you can do. I would tell her how you feel, and that you will be happy to help her when she feels ready to accept it (if you are - it you're not, just leave that part out). It is also perfectly acceptable in my opinion to say that you like her and you would like to be friends but that you have no interest in getting along with Mason, and you would prefer if your "friendly time" together was just the two of you. That is an awkward conversation, but as long as you (a) don't continue to bitch about him if she says yes and (b) don't let her bitch about him, even when she's mad, it is workable.

    As for the boyfriend - I think you are right to not want to bring him, but I'd be annoyed if someone made plans with me and then changed their minds based on what their friends said about my boyfriend, you know? I mean from her perspective it's like "we had plans, you said okay, and now you're changing your mind, why?"
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  16. #16
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Yes that is a good point, that it might have looked like I was changing my mind. The reason I didn't bring up the Mason issue the first time was partly because we were originally going to have a small group of us girls going, so then seating space in the car would be an issue with too many people, so I thought that maybe that would help Lucinda feel the need to leave Mason home. The other reason why I didn't bring it up the first time is because I need more of a backbone myself sometimes; I have a big problem saying "no" sometimes because I don't want to evoke a bad reaction from people. And considering how mad she got when I told her that I didn't want him to come along, that's why I like to avoid angering people!!

  17. #17
    Veteran Member logan820's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    so many girls are co-dependent i know you probably feel bad for her and all but her behvavior is self-destructive

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    why the hell are Lucindas so typical? I don't get it

  19. #19
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Hun, these people just make me nervous just reading about them. Interact with Lucinda at work if you must, but please stay away from them OTC. You don't want to become mixed up in her situation.

  20. #20
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    why the hell are Lucindas so typical? I don't get it
    Why? Because some girls don't have enough common sense(or smarts) to realize that they are better than this!! They are following some old-fashioned notion that females cannot be assertive and independent. My friend feels the need to have a boyfriend, every time he'd act mad at her or pretend to dump her, she'd get all upset like "noooo don't leave me!!" And yes, it's very annoying! (kinda reminds me of Paris Hilton's character in the indy film The Hillz)

    And by the way, the names Lucinda and Mason were actually borrowed from the names of characters in a novel called "The Quality of Life Report." LOL read up on the book and you'll find out what I mean...basically Lucinda Trout moves to the midwest, meets an eccentric guy named Mason who everyone warns her about, and all he does is drain her financially and then his meth addiction gets HER in trouble with the law!! No I don't think my friend "Lucinda"'s boyfriend is that bad, but I don't think he's a perfect angel either.

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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    ok, you know what? you're driving, your car, your rules. you are the one going there, and she has no money, so you'll be shelling out $$$ at first. again, she needs to follow along and play by your rules or go on her own.

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Yugh -- sounds like YOU might have been HER friend but SHE certainly wasn't yours.

    Some people are all taking and no giving, as a way of life. Everyone goes through periods where they're more or less in need, but there's a difference between that and taking you for granted, using your kindness. DTMFA, to borrow a Dan Savage-ism.

  23. #23
    Senior Member hazeljames's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    the domestic violence crisis worker is going to come out in me on this one but your friend lucinda is in a very typical abusive relationship. Mason is controlling her both financially and emotionally. As for her "putting up with it" women stay in abusive realtionships for many different reasons. generally the relationship does not start out abusive but becomes gradually so and the abused partner comes to view it as a normal part of their relationship. Controlling behaviors get redefined as "loving" because this is a person they love and care for. these abusive behaviors may also have been part of her own parents relationship which adds to the normalization of them. for lucinda a loving relationship may be defined as a subservient (for lack of a better term) female and a controlling male because thats the relationship model she was exposed to. this has nothing to do with lucinda's intelligence.
    in the end its up to her to recognize the abuse and leave the situation but if youre close enough to her to talk about her relationship you may be able to sow the seeds that get the ball rolling. if you choose to do this be careful not to badmouth mason but instead talk about how youre worried that he has too much control over her and ask her how she really feels about having to check in with him constantly, give all her money to him, etc. talking to her about this from a friendly angle and encouraging her to talk and think about how she really feels could be very empowering for her and be just what she needs. pm me if you want to talk any more about this

    ok... crisis line worker signing out.

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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    Extremely well said Hazel!

    I think you can still be her friend but definately set boundaries for yourself about what is okay with you and was is not. Lucinda does sound like a bit of a 'taker' to me which can be expected since she is always the 'giver' in her relationship and has to reassert herself somewhere so maybe keep an eye out for it and take care of yourself while being a friend to her.

  25. #25
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    Default Re: Unprofessional! What do you guys think??

    You need to get rid of her as soon as possible. She has mental problems you can not cure.

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