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Thread: Exciting New DJ Training Program

  1. #1
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Curriculum Proposals

    The curriculum will be quite informative and useful...


    How to Keep Your Dick in Your Pants 101--a basic introductory course in the control of spontaneous sexual impulses.

    Session 1--Consensual Relations With Dancer Personnel: avoidance of canine mating behavior patterns, applying techniques with entire staff, effect of dancer personnel apparel.

    Session 2--Review of Session 1

    Session 3--Review of Session 2


    Announcing Dancers 201

    Session 1--The Use and Abuse of Cheese--avoidance and control of nasally orientated speech modes; excessive use and control of blatantly false excitation levels; avoidance of referral to dancer personnel manipulation of poles (a:with reference to self b:with reference to customers); avoidance of referral to dancer personnel genetalia; control of impulse to announce own availablity for dancer personnel entertainment upon closure of establishment.

    Session 2--Creative Methods in Introducing Questionable Dancer Personnel (Special Guest Speaker: Djoser)

    Session 3--Vocabulary, Grammar, and Etiquette (Textbooks: Fun With Dick and Jane, See Spot Run)--necessity of abstinence from flatulence-oriented humor; necessity of abstinence from verbal destruction of former sexual partners; verbal destruction of other dancer personnel and customers, reasons for avoidance of.


    Dancer Relations 102
    Session 1--The Package Check: significance of, appropriate response to, advisablity of reciprocation. Techniques for aiding dancer personnel in determining visibility of feminine products, and avoidance of canine mating habits when doing so.

    Session 2--Violence in the Work Environment: intervention, advisability of; self defense--non violent measures to avoid injury; avoidance of airborne dancer footware; removal of small appliances from vicinity of combatants; medical assistance for combatants; medical assistance for those who missed self defense segment; law enforcement assistance, advisability of.

    Session 3--advisability of consensual relations with entire staff (review of How To Keep Your Dick in Your Pants); use of protective disease control devices for those who missed first segment; medical treatment options for those who missed first and second segments.


    Managerial Relations 403

    Session 1--Dichotomy in Managerial Policy: managerial rationalization of managerial exemption from policy enforcement: controlled substances, consensual relations with dancer personnel.

    Session 2--Negotiation & Communication--dealing with substandard species; methods for revealing superior intelligence without termination; techniques for illusion of compliance with defective managerial policy originating from substandard intelligence capacity.

    Session 3--Policy issues: dealing with conflicting managerial policies of different managers; applying this technique to simultaneous presence of different managers; explaining innappropriate nature of managerial music programming without termination (special topics--Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Backstreet Boys, Elton John, Truck Drivin' Jams #5)

    Session 3--Anger Management: avoiding termination due to reciprocal verbal abuse; avoiding termination due to use of violence against managerial personnel; methods for verbal destruction of managerial personnel without their comprehension; safe methods for verbal destruction of managerial personnel when communicating with other personnel.


    Customer Relations 201

    Session 1--Effective Customer Repellent Products: Shoo-Off, Geek-Away; comparative effectiveness of aerosol and pump-spray products; alternate methods--use of headphones, pretending to search for CDs, simulating sudden emergency cell phone calls, instantaneous closure of barricading devices in result of emergency.

    Session 2--Methods for Refusal of Unacceptable Request (see coursebook for managerial music programming)

    Fabrication of legitimate reasons for refusal: managerial prohibition ploy; previous use of selection prior to customer arrival.

    Plausible explanations for unavailability of Top 40 #1 hits (loss, theft, temporary misplacement of desired selection, loan without return, damage to CD due to excessive use)--Note: also useful for dancer personnel relations.

    Session 3--Customer Negotiation: dealing with substandard species; comprehension of customer dialects ('thug', 'redneck', incomprehensible foreign languages); reciprocation of verbal abuse, use of microphone for maximum effectiveness; avoiding termination due to use of violence; methods for verbal destruction of customers without their comprehension, use of microphone for maximum effectiveness; methods of verbal destruction of customers in communication with dancer personnel.

    Session 4--Miscellaneous--dealing with absence of customer odor control and hygiene; avoidance of negative facial expression when interacting--musical suggestions, customer apparel, availability of dancer personnel for sexual relations, selection of dancer personnel for same, substandard species-oriented humor.
    Last edited by Djoser; 05-14-2006 at 02:05 AM.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
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    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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    God/dess PaigeDWinter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    *SNRK*


    Priceless.
    Number of times Rickrolled on stage: 6
    *******************************

    Marasmus ... "Ladies don't fart. They butt-laugh."
    Marasmus says, "Oh no, that wasn't gas, it was merely a rectal chuckle."

    Marek says, "A friend of mine got punched in the face by a dominatrix stripper about two weeks ago and I thought of you."

  3. #3
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    I'm on my way to the hospital, laughing so hard I think I broke something!!! You are hired!! The only thing I think you left out was the policies on removal of "Hazardous Lingerie Materials" !!

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Ha! Forgot that one--but you reminded me of one small thing I left out, lol--I just went back and added it.

    I'm sure there's more educational and informative subjects, but we can always add them as the school takes off, and more students enroll.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  5. #5
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    "Tired of your low paying dead end job?? Well do something about it!! That's right, you too can get a fresh start on another dead end road!! Imagine... almost getting paid to hob nob
    with scantily clad beautiful women and just pressing play!! Sound too good to be true???

  6. #6
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Really, I hadn't thought of that angle--training for bad DJs...

    "Tired of being ugly and stupid? Do you like to get drunk and play video games when you are working? Want to work somewhere in which the male employees are even dumber than you are? Want to play music that no one else likes and get paid to do it? Want to insult people and get paid for that, too?

    We have the job for you! Sign up now!"
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  7. #7
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Well it was just a thought, I'd hate to give all our secrets away. That would make us managers or doorguys, not DJ's!!

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    Featured Member X Evan X's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    lol that's good shit


    -E
    hilarious signature

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    Member maddj5150's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Absolutely priceless - I think I'll sign a couple of our other DJs up for the courses!
    In order to be the best, you must lose your mind - Well, 3/4 of the way there....

  10. #10
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Maimed
    Well it was just a thought, I'd hate to give all our secrets away. That would make us managers or doorguys, not DJ's!!
    Well, the solution for that would be to start up courses for managers and doormen/bouncers...

    My mind is already working on the curriculum for those guys!

    Glad you like it, everyone--and please, no one take offense, I'm ripping everyone in this thread, myself included. It's all in fun.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  11. #11
    Featured Member red red red's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Isn't there any special supplemental material for what happens if they miss both the 101 and all the refresher classes? You know, how to look sincere while saying, "you know I don't mess around with the girls I work with. You're special," and how to make a girl feel warm and fuzzy even though you're saying, "If you tell any of your little girlfriends about us, it's over." Also included should be how to lie through your teeth to other personnel when they want to know why you and Pink Diamonds are so "close": "Oh, she likes me. I've known her since she was sixteen. There's no monkey business except in her screwed up little dancer skull."
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  12. #12
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Well, of course--this will all be covered in a lengthy and exhaustive curriculum for the School of Rotten DJs--the curriculum above is intended for DJs with some inclination to actually put on a show, but who must contend with conflicting and difficult issues, such as actually trying to Keep Their Dicks in Their Pants.

    I hadn't anticipated the necessity for several training courses, but it's clear that there is a need for it, with all the clubs out there in desperate need of really shitty DJs, bouncers, and managers!

    As an experienced dancer, your input on the rigorous methods and difficult techniques to be employed in the attainment of professional levels in really rotten DJing will be most welcome.

    We have much work to do...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

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    Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

    I knew we liked you for a reason.
    Last edited by lildreamer316; 05-15-2006 at 09:43 PM.
    Grinding is for coffee and meat.
    "I want to entertain people who wish to be entertained, not be an expensive but poor substitute for someone who can't find themselves a prostitute."-Asurfel
    Those Who Hear Not The Music Think The Dancers Mad.
    “Belgian Trappist Organically Farmed Multiple Orgasm Inducing. Bed Shaking, Neighbors Complaining, Heirloom Radishes”

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    God/dess MrChristopher's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    I think I am the only SCDJ I know who doesn't bang the girls, btw. I'm not bragging, but my wife is hot. Oh, and there's that whole "love" thing goin' on. Oh, and I am not hideous either. Like that's ever stopped some of the 'tards I have known.
    waffles are just pancakes with little squares on them.

  15. #15
    Cally
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    ^^ The DJ's at our club arnt banging the girls... I think this is the only club i've worked at where the DJ wasnt trying to get into the girls pants...

    And MrC yea your wife is hot... if I had her I wouldnt be in the prowl either

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    Featured Member red red red's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    [QUOTE=Djoser]As an experienced dancer, your input on the rigorous methods and difficult techniques to be employed in the attainment of professional levels in really rotten DJing will be most welcome.QUOTE]

    Yay! I can't wait until we get into the really advanced 301 skill group, with a curriculum that includes how to discreetly play dancers and bartenders against each other for fun and personal gain, knowing when to forfeit tips for the purpose of strategic blackmail, creating a stable of your own slightly homoerotic DJ regulars so that you will never be without a drink again, instilling fear and paranoia into your newgirl fucktoy so that you can be sure she's not having sex with all of your friends and/or the customers, and knowing how many times you can punch a hole through the wall of the dressing room without being fired.

    Maybe this should be a dual-sided course, where DJs are taught the rotten method in conjunction with the Luke Skywalker method, and then at the end, they choose their ultimate path.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  17. #17
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Oh.. we have worked together!!! By the way, you still owe me a drink according to the bartender.

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Quote Originally Posted by red red red

    Yay! I can't wait until we get into the really advanced 301 skill group, with a curriculum that includes how to discreetly play dancers and bartenders against each other for fun and personal gain, knowing when to forfeit tips for the purpose of strategic blackmail, creating a stable of your own slightly homoerotic DJ regulars so that you will never be without a drink again, instilling fear and paranoia into your newgirl fucktoy so that you can be sure she's not having sex with all of your friends and/or the customers, and knowing how many times you can punch a hole through the wall of the dressing room without being fired.
    You're hired. We need this kind of creative input--when can you start?

    A Philadelphia franchise could be arranged.

    Funny you should mention the punching a hole in the wall, since I occasionally like hitting inanimate walls and lockers from time to time as a form of stress relief. One night I was pissed off and punched the ceiling as I was explaining the stupidity of a recent managerial decision in the dressing room, just before I left--and there was a big blue arc/spark flash as the lights blew for a second! Which may have annoyed them if they were watching the cameras, lol...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  19. #19
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    I too have morphed into DJ "Fists of Fury" (note; I swear it was dayshift guy that was "Fist of Furry"). Judging by other creative patchwork in hallway to booth I definetly think we will have to have 1 seminar on "Drywall ; Hit like a stud, not the stud" followed by "Duct Tape Repairs the MacGuyver Way". What about a secrective location in the Everglades?? It will be easier to dispose of the DJ's that fail "Stilleto Heel Ducking the Matrix Way 101" and who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and get an early Christmas "by a low flyin plane"!!!

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    Featured Member red red red's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    LOL... you guys and the drywall... it's like peanut butter and chocolate.

    Anyway, count me in! This is the perfect way to give back to the community. And here I thought I'd been through that Don't Date the Staff internship-from-hell for naught...
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  21. #21
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    A special supplementary seminar for dancers and DJs alike: "Stud Evasion--methods for dealing with inferior hitting techniques"
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  22. #22
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    "Tool Time"!! No silly, the band.

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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    That's great.

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    Featured Member phillydj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Maimed View Post
    I too have morphed into DJ "Fists of Fury" (note; I swear it was dayshift guy that was "Fist of Furry"). Judging by other creative patchwork in hallway to booth I definetly think we will have to have 1 seminar on "Drywall ; Hit like a stud, not the stud" followed by "Duct Tape Repairs the MacGuyver Way". What about a secrective location in the Everglades?? It will be easier to dispose of the DJ's that fail "Stilleto Heel Ducking the Matrix Way 101" and who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and get an early Christmas "by a low flyin plane"!!!
    HA...you should see the lockers at my club........ So dent removal should be added as well.
    I Would Never Belong To Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member - Groucho Marx

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    God/dess MrChristopher's Avatar
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    Default Re: Exciting New DJ Training Program

    ^ See I always took out my anger on the phone in the booth. I have broken several over the years. Most of those were due to shoddy bouncers who failed to mention things to me, you know, like there are girls in VIP. Please, wait til the third time I call the second girl not to show up to go.." Oh, hey man, she's in VIP. Sorry." I just love that. HULK MAD. HULK SMASH PHONE. One of the guys at Delilah's actually broke his hand and/or wrist punching the walls in the booth once. Good times.

    I like the Luke Skywalker method mentioned. We teach them the power of both sides of the force and let them decide.

    OOOH OOOH we need to add a tutorial on "Advanced Currency Unfolding Techniques".
    waffles are just pancakes with little squares on them.

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