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Thread: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

  1. #1
    242_fair
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    Default Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    Hi All,

    I'm wondering how everyone feels on the thought of forgiving and making peace? Especially with former partners.

    I was brought up with the strong (christian) ideology that we should always make amends or peace whenever we may have hurt someone.

    I have also had the sad experience of not making peace with one I had fought with (but cared for deeply), and then she died and I lost my chance forever.

    Recently I tried to make peace with an ex and he went all psycho and I gave up on him.

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    i was in the same boat with my ex.... Some people just won't accept peace or forgiveness. They are just too bull headed and stubborn.. Thats how my ex was... Instead of me trying to be cordial and say lets just move on with one another and live our own lives, he ended our very last conversation with a bunch of rants and cussing.... I simply choose to block that conversation and our entire past relationship from my head.....

  3. #3
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    You don't lose taking the high road. If you make the gesture and it's repulsed, your conscience is clear and you can leave potential regrets behind. Besides, the door is now cracked, and who knows - they may decide to open it again later on.

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    Featured Member Lyssa Lynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    You tried, that's the best you can do. I do think it's important to let the people in your life know how you feel about them...if they don't want to listen, well... not much you can do. Just be at peace with yourself knowing you tried to make amends.

  5. #5
    242_fair
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    Yes, ok, at least I tried.

    I said clearly 'I just wanted to make peace with you' right before the conversation ended.

    And that's an ending I can live with.

    Thanks Jay.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Daniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    There were times when I did not want to forgive but over time it just happens. Time and space helps put things in perspective. You did the right thing 242_fair. Holding on to negative emotions is bad for the soul. Forgiveness and Peace doesn't mean you have to continue to be mistreated.

  7. #7
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    Why exactly do you want to make peace? Are you genuinely sorry for somthing you did, or are you trying to use it as penitance so you feel like less of a horrible person? Are you doing it because you have a chance to look like a good, honest person due to confessing your past misdeeds?

    An abusive ex once tried to "make peace" with me, but he collects exes as unofficial references for future girlfriends ("Hey look, I'm such a good person that I'm still friends with all my exes.") without having to change a damn thing about himself. His "apology" was a slap in the face in so many ways. I felt like he was exerting some kind of power over me, like "I can kick you into the dirt and I can help you back up depending on my whim." Also, when asked why he kept cheating on me and calling me stupid and insulting me, he said, "There is no answer. It would be easy if there was an answer, and I wish I could give you one." Cheap fucking cop-out and dodging of responsibility. He apologized out of ulterior motives and selfishness rather than out of sincerity and remorse.

    Imagine if someone nastily broke your arm, then turned around and very sweetly and heroically took you to the hospital and helped you heal. Imagine you were raped and 30 years later, he came by to apologize, thus opening scabs and making it seem like he's now made peace with the fact that he's ruined your life and expects you to do the same. That's "making peace."

    How not to apologize.
    Last edited by Krazyjane; 05-22-2006 at 03:39 PM.

  8. #8
    God/dess PaigeDWinter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    I only make peace if I feel the other person deserves my time and energy on the matter. My belief has little to do with my choices in the matter, seeing as one of my atron Gods is Ares... heh. I build and hold grudges well, but if I REALLY feel that someone has changed or deserves another chance or somesuch.... sure, why not.
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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    It would be nice if all problems that we have with people can be resolved or come to some peaceful ending... Too bad life isn't that perfect. Plus, some people are better off as just cut out of your life. Especially if they're psycho.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  10. #10
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    Well, Poe says "You can’t talk to a Psycho like a normal human being."

    Are you asking them for their forgiveness? Then they may not be willing to give it.

    Are you asking yourself to forgive their crazy ways towards you? Then there is no need to further interact with them - simply forgive them in your mind and heart and move on with life.

    Some girls, I have noticed - they always need to have some "verbal conclusion" to a relationship. I also have noticed these tend to be the girls who like to have the last word in - are you such a person? (This is rhetorical and for you to answer yourself.) If you are such a person, just don't put yourself in another situation to be hurt more because of said impulses.

    Forgiveness of someone's acts against you are done in your heart and in your mind.

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    I have always been friends with all my exes except one--and I spoke to her recently (a really nice conversation, too!), but now I have a new ex I'm not friends with, lol...

    I don't bear her malice, but I would prefer never to speak to her or hear from her again. I have my reasons--no need to go into it here. In time perhaps I might change my mind, but I doubt it, though generally I am a very forgiving person. So I don't much care whether she bears me ill-will or not, nor is it of any importance to me that forgiveness is granted or taken.

    There are two I am pretty close with, all things considered (mostly a lot of distance, and a lot of respective life changes).
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
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  12. #12
    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    I've found that it's best if I don't go out of my way to apologize to people. Rather, I do it if I run into them. If you go out of your way to call someone up, it raises the issue of, "Why now?" and it tends to open up scabs.

    Example: I was dating an abusive asshole named D, but one day, I met up with a guy in my lit class named P. Yes, i cheated on my abusive ass of a bf. Unfortunately, I treated P like shit becasue I was taking out my frustrations and guilt out on him. It ended badly. A couple years later, I ran into him at the library. There was awkward small talk, and since the subject came up, I said, "I'm sorry about what happened 2 years ago. I had no right to take my frustrations out on you, and I'm sorry that I used you to cheat on my boyfriend." We talk from time to time, and I take care to be sensitive to him about things, and I avoiv certain topics.

    Similar to Deogol's post, I agree that some people need to have the last word. It seems to give you a sense of power, that you have the power of the relationship status in your hands.

    The problem with apologies is that people use it to erase their own guilt, and that their confessions deserve to be forgiven and forgotten. Also, if there's friendship or any kind of a relationship afterwards, the apologizer seems to take the apologizee for granted. After all, we're both over it, right? For example, I tried to be friends with my aforementioned abusive ex. He'd talk about how he wanted to hook up with the ex that he had cheated on me with several times, he even once said, "Yeah, thanks for that relationship. Now, with the experience, I feel like I can go back to her," He'd also say things like, "Oh yeah, that's another reason why I broke up with you," when I did something that annoyed him.

  13. #13
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Thoughts on Forgivnes and Making Peace??

    The concept of forgiveness is appeasement to one's own Ego.

    I was told that One cannot get into Heaven "if there is Hate in your heart." Do it for yourself. The Devil can take whoever crossed you. "Heaven's Not Overflowing..."

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