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Thread: I think I'm retired.

  1. #1
    Yekhefah
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    Default I think I'm retired.

    I can't take it anymore. I can't take this life. I can't take Los Angeles. I can't take the movie industry, and I can't take stripping. Everywhere I look in any direction, everything is filthy and sleazy. Even the air is disgusting and dirty and it makes me sick. I can't take the exploitation, the politics, the sleaze. I just want to move somewhere clean and live a clean, normal life. I want to go back to synagogue and feel like a normal, clean, happy person. I don't want to stress about money anymore. I don't want to have any more days where I think about selling my integrity just to get by. I can't do this anymore.

    It was already getting to me tonight, I was already having a panic attack, and then my boyfriend called from the other side of the country after going to the ER with groin pain. He might have chlamydia, which means *I* might have chlamydia. And if that's a possibility, then so is HIV or G-d knows what else. I'm shaking; I've never been this panicky. I never thought I would hold a phone to my ear and hear the words, "You should go get tested tomorrow." I'm terrified. I don't know what to do.

    I have to get out of here, but I don't know where to go. I have to get another career, but I don't know what. I just can't do this anymore. I need to feel clean again. I should've stayed in Memphis with my husband. I should never have gotten divorced. I had a wonderful, responsible husband who loved me and would have been a wonderful father, and I threw it all away because I was immature. And now he's married again and living the life I want back. I've always been so responsible; why did I start having unprotected sex with my bf when I knew his history?? Why didn't I make him get tested before?? WTF is wrong with me??

    Anyway, I can't take stripping anymore. I'm done. I don't know what I'll do for money but it will just have to be something else. I wish I could've ended on a higher note, but there it is.

    And everyone, PLEASE keep your fingers crossed that all my tests come back negative.

  2. #2
    God/dess sxybrat07's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Awww sweetie I'm sorry. :hugs: There isn't anything I can say to make it better, but whatever you do, I'm sure you'll do great. We love you!
    I believe you Dottie and you have my support

  3. #3
    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Fingers crossed here for ya, good luck

  4. #4
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Sounds like you need to put the new Dixie Chicks "Not Ready To Make Nice" on repeat and relax on the easy chair/couch.

    Hope tests come back negative.

  5. #5
    God/dess
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Geez...sorry to hear that, Yek. Good luck with the tests, though.

  6. #6
    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    WOW. That's a lot going on here, huh? First and foremost, I wish you the best with those tests. That's scary stuff, but I know I've been there before (with the scare). I've been tested, scared out of my mind, and truthfully, I didn't learn from it 100%. More like 98.5%. (hate to admit it, but it needs to be said...)

    Maybe you just need to take time off in general? Just take a step back and breathe. And please don't beat yourself up about stuff.

    Good luck :hugs:






    (just click to donate FREE food to those in need...REALLY!)

  7. #7
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Will be praying to the gods of negative test results for ya!! Can't say that Atlanta is much better than HELL.A. for the sleaze or greed factor (Don't bother with Vegas or Reno either)
    People I've met from Oregon, Washington, etc. seem like they have a shred or two of the decency and coolness I remember from my younger days, I've been thinking bout headin to those parts!!

  8. #8
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Thanks, y'all. Right now I miss my family. I think a move home to Memphis is in order for a little while. I don't know what I'll do for work in the meantime; I'm tempted to pick up and run right now, but I have bills at the moment. I suppose I could go back to waitressing or office temping for a couple of months and then I'll get back into things. I don't think I want to move back into my grandparents' house just yet; I love them dearly, but they make me nuts. My grandmother is the only one I've ever met who really ought to be on Xanax (she isn't). In the morning I'll figure out what I want to do in the short-term, and then I'll work on the long-term from there.

    Right now I just got out of a hot bath and I'm on my second glass of red wine. In the morning I will go to synagogue, and as soon as I can after that I will go and get a full STD workup. I'll make my plans after that.

    I do wish I could've finished stripping on a higher note though. C'est la vie.

  9. #9
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Thought about medical sales??? Buddy of mine is doin very well selling medical supplies, as a matter of fact he used to live in Memphis (I visited once, don't they have a bar with an alligator pit in the middle of it???) Maybe this is TMI, but Chlamydia gets cleared up with a week or two of anti biotics (I swear a friend told me all about it!!)

  10. #10
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    I think chlamidia isn't as bad as some of the other STDs, but I don't know for sure, and i don't want you to get a bad result. If you do, I think it's certainly treatable.

    It sounds like you are beating yourself up about all this, and I really wish you'd stop. You are way too smart, charming, and creative to bash yourself for living a wilder lifestyle for a while--I really think you just need a break more than anything--though it might well be that stripping is no longer for you.

    We all make mistakes, Yekhefah, and I've made lots more than you, I fucking guarantee it, lol. Certainly I regret some of them, but I'm not going to beat myself up, so neither should you. It's certainly not like you don't have a clear-cut sense of honor, and that's also quite rare.

    Personally, I think you should be proud of yourself, though that's the last thing you probably want to hear right now. But I have a great deal of respect for you, mistakes or not, and I don't grant so much to many people.

    So, chill--get the hell out of LA, and be good to yourself, however you want to do so.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  11. #11
    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    I've been thinking about it a lot and talking with my boyfriend about it a bit.

    I'd help you move to Australia, where you want to be and lend you my apartment until you get on your feet. You'd have to sleep on a fold-out couch but it'd be something.

    I'd pay your plane ticket here as long as you promised to someday pay me back (within 10 years ) and nothing back on the housing and food and some expenses such as getting you out into the city and having drinks with me.

    It's an offer. You can take it if you want.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Sassy~n~Sexy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Aussie's are such great people! lilithmorrigan that is such a kind and HUGE offer...I hope she considers it!

    I'm from Canada originally and I find HELL-A to be a very lonely place. I tend to spend a ton of time at home...but I enjoy that. I don't go clubbing....and I'm not out buying the latest designer crap...don't care about any of that!

    I have no desire to live in a mansion and marry some rich asshole who will only trade me in for a younger model in a few years...

    Yekhefah any city will have it's fair share of idiots and bottom feeders...you just need to stay grounded...and this city is the worst for obtaining that....so you have to work hard to get there.

    I have lived here for 2 years without a car BY CHOICE!Yes it limits some of the places I can go....but I get out and WALK! People here are so concerned with driving the latest vehicle and having the latest crap...they live for money and not for life! I have a cute apartment....good area where things are walking distance...close enough to the beach. I have a few good friends...and I live a healthy lifestyle.

    You can be happy here...it just means not getting caught up in the 'scene' and the superficial crap. I have ZERO debt...yet a good friend of mine lives like a rockstar....has a black American Express card...a few Ferraris...yet at the end of the day...none of it's his...the bank owns all of it

    Maybe your burnt out from dancing...maybe it's just not your 'thing'...but you can do anything you want to do if you believe in yourself and have the drive to get there!

    There are a few websites that offer free career tests....google it and take a few and see what the outcome is...

    Or go to Australia.....my best friend here is from there (and I have several friends in Canada that are from there originally). Amazing people and a great place to live.

    You will find it hard to find someone here in the US who would offer you such a great opportunity and a fresh start. I would go for it!

    If you need someone to talk to I'm in LA....and I'm not a catty chick....I'm down to earth and have a good small group of friends...be more then happy to meet you and hang out

    xox
    Jordan

  13. #13
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Aww, baby, I'm so sorry. Two things:

    1.) The clinics ALWAYS say chlamydia when a young person goes in with pain down there. I was going to doctors and emergency rooms for 6 months with terrible ovary pains and they kept saying "chlamydia, shmlamydia". But I kept testing negative. The STD is really common though, so its their de-facto response to scare you and your boyfriend. This has happened to several other people I know too.


    2.) Austin has a great little movie industry here, I know lots of people in acting and production down here. Hell, even I've been in 3 movies without trying (no, not porn ppl ).
    Ppl here are laid-back, and intelligent, casual. No one cares who you know or what kind of car you drive for the most part. Sure, we have pseudo-jet set, but they are easily avoidable. If you want to strip here, the money is decent, you can make about $200 most nights easily and cost of living is cheaper.

    LA is the pit of hell as far as I'm concerned. Run away, come back to the south darling!

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

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  14. #14
    Veteran Member kdogg247's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    I agree with Djoser. There's no use beating yourself up over past mistakes. Just try to learn from your mistakes so that you do not make the mistake again. I hope you find a career that you like. Please let us know how you're doing.



    PS - since you're going to quit dancing, come hang out with the junkies on the blue side

  15. #15
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    I'm so sorry you are experiencing such pain at the moment , but as others have mentioned many of us have made our own mistakes and with a little time everything will get better . I have felt the same way you have on a few occasions its like your on this roller coaster ride and then "BAM " you hit a brick wall , it sucks . I try to look at life as paths that I have decided to walk down and when I dont like the scenery I just try and change direction and get back on a better path I know very simple . But you must realize for whatever reason you choose certain paths who knows why . I met the love of my life on a path I probably shouldn't of taken but it just goes to show you that good things can come from initial bad choices .Whatever happens just keep your head up and before you know it you will be on cloud nine again feeling great ! We are all here for you remember that .

  16. #16
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Thanks, everyone. Really. Y'all have made me feel so much better!

  17. #17
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    FIRST OFF: do not have a Hate Party over STDs. Everyone makes mistakes concerning sex, and often totally innocent parties get infected from straying partners. I'm pleasantly amazed I have had no major STDs with my history, but I chalk it up to good prophlactic use, hygiene and health. "Sex= Death" is a nasty trick used by Fascists to control people.

    The last time I was on a plane (to Nashville, Tennessee, actually) my seatmate was a lifelong Los Angelino. I managed to insult him with all my observations of LA (including seeing a gunshot victim next to the Greyhound terminal as one of the last sights of LA I had..oh, my first was walking out of LAX at 3AM & a crackhead woman screaming at me as I wheeled my luggage away...) YES LA sucks. It's OK, everyone knows....Get away from there!

    Don't reminice about a relationship you didn't belong in. You would have ended up hurting someone if you stayed with someone you really didn't want to be with. I regret doing that. Life is too short to wallow in regret and unhappiness.

    PLEASE don't go doing something you really don't want to do because you are scared and feel out of options...you'll just end up in another trap. Get yourself together and find a way to be where you really WANT to be. My 1st grade teacher told me, "You'll make mistakes, just don't make the same mistakes over again." I wish I could stay that stuck the 1st time I heard it, but now, decades later, I got it.

    Best of luck in your future ventures. ((HUGS))!

  18. #18
    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    YES LA sucks. It's OK, everyone knows....Get away from there!
    Agreed. I really don't like that city either, and MM, I had the SAME experience of seeing a wounded person outside the Greyhound terminal- mine was beaten, not shot, I think. Still.
    Also got dropped off by an asshole bus driver in COMPTON at NIGHT when I was 17...had guys yelling at me they were going to rape my "white pussy". I was never so happy to see one of those ugly-ass lime green taxis.

    I've never been to Memphis, but I'm sure it'll be better for your soul there. Anywhere would, from the sound of it.

    Feature costumes for sale!

  19. #19
    Veteran Member Cristalla's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    hi ... i can suggest you to take a trip to Sedona AZ ... is a magic place , go to the vortex location by the cathedral it can change your life.
    the energy there is healing energy
    i also had an aura reading at new age center... it was so helpful to understand many things about myself and my life...
    i had a very intense experience
    is a release and a spiritual re-birth

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    good luck w/everything Yek.

  21. #21
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Good Luck and KNOW that there are better men and ladies out there waiting for the new you!!

    You could always come to the NY area or up to Toronto. Plenty of industry work there. Maybe you'd like TV better than film. You could try working for a local TV station. Smaller pay but smaller egos. Hell, you can even do videographer work for weddings, bat mitzvahs, and such. That's a good sideline that won't leave you feeling disconnected from your passion.

    I've relocated and redirected my life plenty of times. Just take your time planning and it will fall into place.

  22. #22
    Featured Member hannah83's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    aww sweetie, *gives a huge hug* i really hope everything works out for you!! I'd say to come to Michigan, but honestly...there isn't anything going on here.
    There's a wild side behind every innocent face.

    End violence against women.
    I support Dottie.


  23. #23
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I hope the tests are negative, and if they aren't, you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes that everyone makes.

    In another thread you posted about where you should go. I really think you should follow Scarlett's advice and come to Vancouver. It will be totally different than dancing in the States so you will get a huge break that way, but you will still be able to make money, and for sure money at that. A lot of places do offer private dancing, so the option is there if on some days you feel like making more.

    ...and definately, when you come back from wherever you go to make the money you want, go somewhere that nourishes your soul and makes you feel good. Hopefully being in that kind of positive environment will rekindle your motivation and drive and you'll be able to figure out what to do from there. Change of scenery can be use. I can't never stay in one place for more than a few months without going nuts. I have to travel somewhere, take a deep breath, and then I'm ready to come home.

  24. #24
    God/dess holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    Oh my, I just saw this thread. I hope you are feeling a little better, and everyone is right - don't be so hard on yourself. And try not to get caught up in the past with 'what could have been' with someone else. I'd bet that at that time you went through a divorce for a good reason.

    Portland Oregon is pretty cool! You could always be my nanny when I go back to dancing

    Let us know your results!

  25. #25
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I think I'm retired.

    I'll let y'all know what happens when I get tested. Till then, I'm chilling. I keep thinking I need money, and sometimes I feel cool about going back to the club, but when I start thinking about getting ready... I start trembling again. I guess I'm just not ready. On Tuesday I'm going to go look for a straight job to get me through the summer, and at the end of the summer I'm going to leave Los Angeles unless something incredible happens career-wise. But I'm going to stay through the summer because my kid brother has really been looking forward to visiting me out here.

    Or, I'll suck it up and get to a club somewhere and try to make enough in a couple of weeks to get me through the summer. I just want to exercise, get back in shape, finish my screenplay, and recharge right now. I don't want to do it in Hollywood but I can't afford to go anywhere else. So... here I am with all the other pathetic wannbe-screenwriters.

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