I can't take it anymore. I can't take this life. I can't take Los Angeles. I can't take the movie industry, and I can't take stripping. Everywhere I look in any direction, everything is filthy and sleazy. Even the air is disgusting and dirty and it makes me sick. I can't take the exploitation, the politics, the sleaze. I just want to move somewhere clean and live a clean, normal life. I want to go back to synagogue and feel like a normal, clean, happy person. I don't want to stress about money anymore. I don't want to have any more days where I think about selling my integrity just to get by. I can't do this anymore.
It was already getting to me tonight, I was already having a panic attack, and then my boyfriend called from the other side of the country after going to the ER with groin pain. He might have chlamydia, which means *I* might have chlamydia. And if that's a possibility, then so is HIV or G-d knows what else. I'm shaking; I've never been this panicky. I never thought I would hold a phone to my ear and hear the words, "You should go get tested tomorrow." I'm terrified. I don't know what to do.
I have to get out of here, but I don't know where to go. I have to get another career, but I don't know what. I just can't do this anymore. I need to feel clean again. I should've stayed in Memphis with my husband. I should never have gotten divorced. I had a wonderful, responsible husband who loved me and would have been a wonderful father, and I threw it all away because I was immature. And now he's married again and living the life I want back. I've always been so responsible; why did I start having unprotected sex with my bf when I knew his history?? Why didn't I make him get tested before?? WTF is wrong with me??
Anyway, I can't take stripping anymore. I'm done. I don't know what I'll do for money but it will just have to be something else. I wish I could've ended on a higher note, but there it is.
And everyone, PLEASE keep your fingers crossed that all my tests come back negative.


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I believe you Dottie and you have my support

) and nothing back on the housing and food and some expenses such as getting you out into the city and having drinks with me. 




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