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Thread: Am I leading him on????

  1. #1
    Veteran Member LusciousLyzz's Avatar
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    Default Am I leading him on????

    Okay, so i just moved back to a small town in Washington a few weeks ago. I started hanging out with an ex boyfriend, we broke up on good terms, agreed to be friends, e-mailed each other and called each other every once in a while just to check up on each other. We dated for about 9 or 10 months and have been broken up for over a year.

    Okay, now most guys, with the exception of my current boyfriend, have told me that they love me after about one month, and this ex is no exception, I'm not ugly, but in my opinion, I'm not that hot either. I will say, that i am a really caring person though.

    Anyways, lately, this ex has been telling me things that he misses that I use to cook and crap like that and he even told me today that he still thinks that I'm his perfect woman. But, he also talks about girls taht he has crushes on and what not.

    I don't want to be more than friends with him. i have not said anything about what I miss about our relationship or anything. I've only stayed friends with one other guy that I have dated and this didn't happen.

    Am I leading him on in some way, or am I just reading him wrong? Do you guys and gals think he's still in to me?

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    In my experience...men are very direct when they REALLY want you (the "Hunter" thing.) I think this guy just wants someone to talk to.....
    Is there something that could be making him wish he had you back..like a death in the family or some other big event...? I fell for that once, which was embarrassing.

  3. #3
    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    Yeah, but it wouldn't hurt the next time he brings up some flattering piece of info about you to quickly jump in and say, "you know I just want to stay friends with you right?" Judge his reaction but if he wasn't planning on it either, it should be really easy to see, and if he was? Well, at least he knows now.

  4. #4
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    You know where you want the relationship to go. There's little if any point at all in assuming what he's thinking by blurting out a question that preys on his feelings he once had for you.

    Don't listen to what he says. Listen to what he does. You two were in a relationship together. I hope there are things about you he still admires and you obviously still trust him enough to talk to him and he should respect you have a boyfriend. It doesn't seem wrong for him to point out qualities in you that he looks for in other women.

    No offense Fancy, but comments like that serve only to project what she's thinking about on to him, in otherwords by asking that question she's saying to him "I think you think there may be something more here...there isn't". It challenges what could be nothing at all. If there is something, the "something" could simply be changed by changing her action towards him.

    Lyzz, in your thread you've spent more words talking about him than actually defining what he's doing. I don't think you're leading him on. If you are uncomfortable around him then respectfully decline meetups and shit. You DO have a boyfriend. See how he responds to them. Gauge your actions via his responses.

    If he has more than a passing interest in you, you'll know. Lyzz, I've read you a lot. You're not stupid. I think you're seeing things he's doing with you and you're reminded of when you used to date. Just keep in mind the possibility that he's also doing this with other women. Or it just may be his personality. You know better than us.

    If you enjoy his company hang out with him. If he moves in for a kiss, THEN hit him with the "Hey, I have a boyfriend, you should respect that I only want to be friends with you." Then give him a week to think about it before answering his messages. Bringing it up at this point serves only to undermine a potentially great friendship by calling attention to pointless limitations he may not care about :/

    Mast.

    Oh, and I've told women they're perfect for me. Even Ex's. Context clues say a lot since I normally say it right after she makes some stupid embarassing comment, or falls ungracefully, but still, sometimes it doesn't make it any less true. I only date women that are perfect for me. That's past tense as well. No point in settling.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    He's still into you, big time. He's saying all those wonderful things because he thinks that it will make your 'feelings' come back for him, wrong.

    Your best bet is to NOT hang out with him, put some distance between you or he'll keep at it. The longer you hang out with him, the more he'll think there's a shot at getting you back.

    You can also use the blunt approach (as Fancygirl said) and tell him flat out you aren't interested in him that way anymore.


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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    Yea he's totally into you still. He might just be lonely and confused. So, he might be attaching himself to the most recent familar memory of a good woman. Peiple always want what they cant have. You are not leading him on hun.

    Just keep treating him like a friend and he might get the point. If not and he gets more serious in love with you then youll have to break it to him youre only friends.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



  7. #7
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    Sheesh, this is all putting the cart before the horse.
    Intuition is fine. But this is plane assumptions.

    This is all she said he did:
    Anyways, lately, this ex has been telling me things that he misses that I use to cook and crap like that and he even told me today that he still thinks that I'm his perfect woman. But, he also talks about girls taht he has crushes on and what not.
    We don't even know the CONTEXT. It could have been in. "What are you doing?" "Cooking dinner" "Oh you're a great cook! I miss your cooking"

    I mean if she's uncomfortable, she's uncomfortable. She doesn't need to validate this to stop talking to him, but she's interested in maintiaining a friendship and frankly words are words. This may be a passing thing, or permanent, but until he crosses the line (a overt hug, rude comment, a kiss attempt..etc), I think "pressure washing" him with what he may already accept as reality is a huge sign of GPS if not just plain emasculating.

    Don't get me wrong. If the guy makes you uncomfortable, try ASKING him to tell you how he feels about you... I mean at least show some mutual respect for what YOU think his feelings are.

    I don't believe she's leading him on, and I am sure he's probably got some emotional attachment to get over, but really what does "We're just friends right?" accomplish? If he validates, does it give her an excuse to continue leading him on if he is? Lets be fair. He could still be in love, and she could be leading him on.

    Lead by action.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  8. #8
    Veteran Member LusciousLyzz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    well, I haven't been cooking around him, we were painting my house. Thanks for the advice to those who responded.

    Next time I hang out with him and he says something that sounds like he is trying to get back with me, I am going to say something to him about it. He's a cool guy, so I definately want to stay friends if possible, we just didn't work out as a couple.

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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    this ex has been telling me things that he misses that I use to cook and crap like that and he even told me today that he still thinks that I'm his perfect woman.

    Translation: I miss you and want you back in my life.


    But, he also talks about girls taht he has crushes on and what not.


    Translation: I'm going to make you think i've moved on, but i actually haven't. Maybe you'll get a little jealous and want me back.


    Assumption? Doubtful...


  10. #10
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    Quote Originally Posted by King
    Assumption? Doubtful...
    Look look look, I'm not saying you're wrong. You may be 100% right. I'm saying is without knowing him, or even a recounting of the events it's still an assumption. But never fear! There is a common denominator.

    All I am saying is:

    If this is 100% unequivocally true:

    He's a cool guy, so I definately want to stay friends if possible, we just didn't work out as a couple.
    Then this or any other blunt force realization is inappropriate:
    "you know I just want to stay friends with you right?"
    There are a million other ways of getting the point across while showing a mutual respect for another person's feelings if you do indeed care about them. Perhaps a conversation about it where you put him on *GASP* equal grounds with you could allow a friendship to grow.

    But like I said, if he's crossing the line, at some point enough's enough and blunt force is required

    Either methode gets the point across, it just comes down to what you want as a result. Who wants to be friends with someone they can't be themselves around?

    Mast!
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    You may be 100% right

    I might be? Of course I am...lol.


  12. #12
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    Quote Originally Posted by King
    You may be 100% right

    I might be? Of course I am...lol.
    Hahaha, Hey, I have 0 problems bowing out to the better person. But, it is what it is. Treat friends with respect.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  13. #13
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I leading him on????

    I have exes I can speak frankly and openly with about other love interests (that applies to both of us), and might even compliment by saying they were perfect for me at the time I was with them, but it does sound as though the guy might be engaging in some wishful thinking, still.

    I wouldn't say that to an ex, myself, unless I was thinking I'd like to get back together--but that's me. I might compliment her on some aspect of her personality that was irreplaceable, though, even if I didn't want to 'get her back'. Everyone has something special, and even an ideal mate can be lacking in some small way that a previous one wasn't.

    And also, of course, painting a house together is a very conducive task for this sort of 'domestic bliss' variety of conversation.

    As to the best way of handling it, and whether you are leading him on?

    I don't think you are leading him on, but having him help you paint your house is a surefire way to egg on any wishful thinking on his part--not that I'm saying you are to blame at all.

    I don't think it would be so bad to question him concerning his motivation in hanging out with you (and painting your house, lol), but it should be handled with care, and some tact, in order to avoid hurting his feelings or giving him the impression you are spurning him.

    OTOH, if he is carrying a torch, you might wind up having to do so, albeit in a graceful fashion--if you want to remain friends with him.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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