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Thread: Sleeping with guys on the first date

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Note: I need guy's opinions especially, and girls... how long you make a guy wait.

    okay, so I just got out of a situation where I guy became an asshole because I slept with him on the first date. He tried to turn it around on me and say that he would never date a girl who'd slept with him on the first or second day, yet he was the one pushing for sex. I wasn't planning on sleeping with him on the first date, but I also didn't figure this was going to be that big of a deal. I've never before slept with an asshole-love-'em-and-leave-'em type who then tries to pin negative characteristics on me because I was okay with sleeping with him.

    Question: If this happens again with some guy, where I really like him, should I play the game (that I hate) or do I sleep with him when I feel the chemistry is right for both of us (and risk alienating a guy.) It's fine if I alienate an asshole, it sucks, but there it is. But I would hate to think that the guys who may be perfect for the rest of the relationship would become an asshole because of the sex on the first (or second) date.


    Now, I hate arbitrary "you can't sleep with the guy until x date" only because I feel that if you like him, and he likes you, and the chemistry happens, then you have sex when you have sex. I understand the logic behind sexual tension, and yet sometimes I just don't have the patience for it if I really like the guy.

    I don't want to not learn my lesson if this is something that I really do need to not lose a guy that I like. But I also have a hard time with the idea that most guys would turn out to be assholes if I slept with them on the first date. I don't want to date an a guy who thinks like that, but then I also don't want to miss out on a really great guy because I didn't wait til the third date.

    I hate the double standard, and I hate the fact that having a really great sexual encounter with a person wants to make me know them more, not less, and yet for guys, it seem to work quite the opposite.

  2. #2
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    If things go EXTRA well, then I'd say it's OK to sleep with him on the first date. But I've dated a lot and none of them have been that special, and I've had some great dates.

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    It wasn't that the date was that stupendous. The first part was, and there was a lot of chemistry, and then throughout the remainder of the date, I guess I was just so impressed by how affectionate he was and how he was making all the moves. In the past, normally I'm not sure about a guy because they're not aggressive enough, and I've finally reached the point where I'm tired of being the first to make a move (and I haven't for the past few guys spanning, oh...the past couple of years.) So I was impressed that here was a guy that seemed to know what he wanted, was forward enough to try to get what he wanted, and I was flattered that he wanted me. It's a nice feeling.
    -shrug-

    So, how to get that type of behavior in a nice guy is the problem, because I don't think the nice guys would turn it against me, but then again, I haven't had sex on the first date in over three years so I'm not sure what the climate is on the stereotypical belief that the girl is not worth it if she "gives it up" on the first date.

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Gee it was his first date with you too, right? So whatever BS he's trying to lay on you would apply equally to him.

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    Featured Member hot4ablackchick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    I don't know. I waited about two months to sleep with my now fiancee. I personally choose to wait until I feel ready, NOT horny. I did not count the number of dates, and I wish I would have waited a little longer in hindsight!
    CARMEN IS HOTT 4 A BLACK CHICK!!!!!!!!

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    dlabot, yeah, I totally agree. It was seriously weird. But, I should say though, that we went out a second time (and it was just to hang out, I swear!!!) and he was all affectionate and everything and we ended up going back to his place, and I really did try not to get sucked into the sexual vortex, but I did, and had sex with him again. So, my bad. But, then at breakfast the next morning, when i tried to do not-too-intense pda's like hugging him from behind, he got all weird. And I said, wow you really don't like pda's do you? and he said, now with people I'm not dating....ouch! I've only done the sex that quickly two or three times before. I've never had anyone shun a pda after sex like that.

    so, yeah. this guy IS an asshole.

    I just want to know if most guys would judge a girl to not be worthwhile after sex on the first date (which I only focus on because he said he'd never date a girl who he'd slept with on the first or second date--yet he only decided to share this with me after I'd told him I liked him, which was before sleeping with him the second time, AND he told me this as we were going to breakfast after the second time!!! : o ) or even sex twice in a row.

    Hot for a black chick:

    I don't think I was so much horny as ready. I did really like this guy. Granted, I didn't know him that well, obviously, but I did feel like there was a chemistry there. And I did want to have sex that first night, but I was the one that kept slowing him down or halting him. He was the one that was pushing. so it wasn't necessarily horniness on my part, as finally giving in and being like, okay this might not be a bad idea.

    Like I said, I've never slept with someone who really was JUST using me for sex, and that's what i figure this is.

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    He was a plain ASSHOLE! Sorry you had to go through that.

    I slept with my BF on the 2nd date(close to the first ), but there was LOTS of chemistry the first time we met. Yeah, I felt like it was a risk worth taking. If it worked great, if it didn't then next.

    He didn't persue the sex, it just happened. Still together for a year and four months.

    I hate rules. My mottoe is, if you two like each other and want to fuck...do it already for fuck sakes. If the chemistry is there, fuck. But when you feel ready to.

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    I was reading the thread on the grandma's (or other relative's) advice, and I thought these three were really applicable. I think I need to figure out how to use Sin_derella's and Lillith's advice without sacrificing some part of myself...because that's how I'd feel if I was constrained by rules that I didn't really believe in.

    Mom told me this was one of Grandma's favs: As women we are sitting on gold mines...learn how to use it!

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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    I wouldn't sleep with someone on the first date, cos sleeping with someone invariably means I get my emotions entangled. Before I do get said emotions entangled, I want to be reasonably sure that the relationship is going to be more than short lived.

    I've found it very easy to get emotionally entangled, and a lot more difficult to walk away without hurt on both sides.

    Phil.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    If a guy would condemn you for sleeping with him on the first date, would you want him anyway? Think about it.

    Don't change your way of thinking to get a guy. Do what you do, and when the guy comes along that also does what you do, you'll hit it off.

  11. #11
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    I would never hold it against a woman who slept with me on the first date. That said, these days I'm reluctant to move quickly because, hey, there's a definite pleasure in holding back, even if you both know what's coming.

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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    If the feeling is right, go for it. I've done it on 3rd dates, but it's pretty close lol.

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    Veteran Member Sinful333's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    The guy I am currenly with-seeing-whatever the correct word is, I slept with on the first date. Mine is a little worse. He is my DJ's friend and came in to hang out with the DJ, so ya.

    Anyways, things are working out with us so far except we are both really busy.

    Any man that is giving you this shit-- isnt worth it.

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    Featured Member X Evan X's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde
    If a guy would condemn you for sleeping with him on the first date, would you want him anyway? Think about it.

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    Veteran Member oulala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicagoeditor
    I would never hold it against a woman who slept with me on the first date. That said, these days I'm reluctant to move quickly because, hey, there's a definite pleasure in holding back, even if you both know what's coming.
    Yep. I slept with my last boyfriend (of 3 years) on the first date, it wasn't too much of a problem. With my current boy I waited a while. I don't think it matters and the guy sounds like an asshole. The reason I waited this time was because its more fun when it does happen. And it was kinda fun making him wait and wonder.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    If a guy is pushing for it, at all, putting the moves on you, or hinting...I dont care how much you like him, do NOT sleep with him (heck, not even on the 10th date)...these are the guys that will be jerks when they do get to have sex with you...if the guys are heavy pursuing so fast, they just want sex.

    The guys who are respectful, who dont hint or push...then when it happens, it happens

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    Veteran Member azcustomer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    The guy was a jerk for making you feel bad about sleeping with him when you wanted to. Please don't let him create a 'hang up' for you.

    I've often wondered about this and have seriously looked at my various sexual encounters and relationships. I've come up with a new way to look at things.

    First, separate the sex and relationship thing a bit. It's the only way you're going to be able to enjoy sex without letting more complicated relationship issues creating hangups in your sexual life.

    You didn't mention if the sex was good or bad. If it was good, chalk it up to a 'successful' relationship with a guy you weren't really compatible with (jerk status about making you feel bad) but had great sex.

    If it wasn't all that great, then learn from your mistake and take the next relationship a bit slower to figure out if you are more sexually compatible.

    How many times have we all gotten really excited about having sex with someone then afterwards, really regretting it because they left a bad taste in your sexual pallete?

    And nothing turns me off more about a gal than to realize she's playing the 'x dates before sex' game or, worse yet, asking all her friends if she should or not. This shows some serious insecurities and IMO, gals who are chatty about sex with girlfriends often get really bad advice.

    There's nothing worse than being with one of these gals who's friends have finally 'approved' get in the sack - invariably you can tell she's going through a pre-ordained list of things we're supposed to do. "Wait, oh yea, we need to try this!" I just know that I'm now playing a role in a sexual escapade that she's going to phone all her friends about the next morning.


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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Agree with the rest here he was or rather is a dick for even making a deal about it and it sounds as though his rules dont apply to himself ( basturd ) . I never had a sleep with whoever rule if it felt good the sex follwed and usually if they would stay I would cook breakfast as well - can you imagine that lol !

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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    ur
    Quote Originally Posted by fancygirl
    ......... I hate the fact that having a really great sexual encounter with a person wants to make me know them more, not less, and yet for guys, it seem to work quite the opposite.
    I havn't read the rest of the thread only the OP and just had to remark that I feel like it is the same thing for me. This is what is currently causing my confusion with myself in re: The Fireman. I've had really great sexual encounters with him and want to know him more due to it yet I feel all I am to him (and ever will be due to having slept with him a little bit after the first date due to feeling like, as you've alluded to, that the chemistry was right) to a vagina...

    The feelings aren't mutual and kinda one-sided (on my side) to get to know each other more than just sexual partners as the last time I approached him about my feelings... well.. he wasn't so keen to make the whole relationship "more" than just sex (me the vagina, him the penis).

    I want to know him more: his last name, where he was born, favourite food, favourite colour and little things like that however his actions do speak for him... he has yet to call me once all I ever receive are text messages (i'm missing not having phone sex every so often) and I can't totally trust his word (I'll call you tomorrow really means I'll call you in the next couple of days).

    Tho' when I am actually with him everything is good. He treats me well. ARGH!
    Last edited by GoldCoastGirl; 06-26-2006 at 05:06 PM.


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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde
    If a guy would condemn you for sleeping with him on the first date, would you want him anyway? Think about it.

    Don't change your way of thinking to get a guy. Do what you do, and when the guy comes along that also does what you do, you'll hit it off.

    Oh, I KNOW that, but then I keep hearing from guys that they're less interested in a girl if they sleep together really early on, and so I wanted to make sure (because I haven't done it very much) if even the nice guys would pull shit like this if I slept with them on the first date.

    The easiest way to say it is I'm trying to find a silver lining here, like if this guy turned into an asshole over this, is he really an asshole and would have shown it eventually? or is this a subject that even perfectly nice guys turn into dicks because there's "no motivation" to keep dating her???

    Quote Originally Posted by azcustomer
    You didn't mention if the sex was good or bad. If it was good, chalk it up to a 'successful' relationship with a guy you weren't really compatible with (jerk status about making you feel bad) but had great sex.
    It was GREAT sex. I mean GREAT. and even better the second time around. I would have been cool with a just sex relationship, but just the way the situation went down, he wasn't open and honest up front with that being what he was looking for. Now there's no way in hell I'd do a booty relationship after getting rejected in such poor taste. pity.

    Quote Originally Posted by azcustomer
    How many times have we all gotten really excited about having sex with someone then afterwards, really regretting it because they left a bad taste in your sexual pallete?

    VERY TRUE. I don't really regret the sex in that way. I could only regret it if this guy could have otherwise been a good match for me (obviously not with the way he became an asshole, but would he have turned into an asshole if I'd played the game right?) I don't have a regret like that with the sex here because I have to assume that this guy would have turned into an asshole anyways and at least I got two great rounds of sex.

    I just hope I can find a guy who looks as great as he does, with such a great penis and sexual skill, AND the affectionate and playfulness but NOT the weird asshole jekyll-hyde behavior after sex.

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoastGirl
    ur
    This is what is currently causing my confusion with myself in re: The Fireman. I've had really great sexual encounters with him and want to know him more due to it yet I feel all I am to him (and ever will be due to having slept with him a little bit after the first date due to feeling like, as you've alluded to, that the chemistry was right) to a vagina...
    I totally sympathize with you GoldCoastGirl. My logic is that I've had it where I've matched up with guys and waited and the physical side was lame to me, but then I felt like I had to stick in there with it because everything BUT the physical matched up. So, now I'm working it from the other angle: make sure the physical chemistry is there, and THEN use THAT as a weeding out thing.
    The sex with this guy was GREAT, and so it was overcoming a big obstacle for future stuff with this guy, but the guy only saw it as the ONLY obstacle, and so when he had sex, he was done (until the second time -eye roll-).
    I've done it in the past where...say things are getting too sexually oriented, then I'll withhold sex (not as a punishment but as a way to get us both worked up to that tension point.) I don't know if that would work with your fireman guy because it sounds like you're in this box you can't get out of. Can you invite him out on something that he would really dig but that you couldn't easily have sex during? Ball Game? A challenging bike ride? err...not sure what else?

    Obviously, I shouldn't have had sex the second time with him, but I really can't see it as having made a ton of difference if he was pushing it that much AND since he "wouldn't ever date a girl who he'd had sex with on the first or second date." -sigh-

    So, GoldCoastGirl, the only thing I can recommend and that I've actually been practicing (what I'm about to preach) is just to go out with as many men as possible, as friends or possible dates. You don't stress about the one guy, and you can see that you're still desirable and not only a vagina. And the nice part about hanging out with guy buddies is that you really aren't a vagina...you're one of the guys who occasionally pulls out some valuable wisdom on females that the guys are dating.
    Last edited by fancygirl; 06-26-2006 at 06:04 PM.

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    Featured Member Vamp's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    A good male friend told me once that when a man a dates a woman he thinks one of two things that is a good time or that could be a lifetime.

    I go thru dating phases. I decide either im looking for fun or for a relationship. If I am looking for a relationship I talk to the guy to find out what he is looking for. Women arent the only ones that play games. Men will do anything to get in a woman's pants. The reason most women wait is to know his true motives. If he is just looking for a good time he wont be around for two months waiting for sex.

    My current bf I met online. We talked for a few weeks online and then he visited me. I had sex with him the first time we met. I also knew he was a good guy by then. Only an asshole wouldn't date you for having sex on the first date. Decide what you want going in and then find out what his motives are. If they mesh then go for it.

  22. #22
    exotisch23
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    I met my current b/f at a club I worked at; we hung out twice at the club, had sex the first time we hung out outside the club and have been together for 2 1/2 years.

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    I'll be the dissenting voice of reason here:

    okay, so I just got out of a situation where I guy became an asshole because I slept with him on the first date.
    This sounds like the beginning of a classic case of conflicting expectations...how appropriate, in a forum about strippers and PLs/RILs!

    And then you say:

    So I was impressed that here was a guy that seemed to know what he wanted, was forward enough to try to get what he wanted, and I was flattered that he wanted me. It's a nice feeling.
    OK, so you've established that he knew what he wanted and, more importantly, that you knew what he wanted. Did you establish unambiguously that you were interested in anything more than being a fuck buddy?

    I would have been cool with a just sex relationship, but just the way the situation went down, he wasn't open and honest up front with that being what he was looking for.
    Actually, he probably was. You just weren't paying attention or listening.

    Question: If this happens again with some guy, where I really like him, should I play the game (that I hate) or do I sleep with him when I feel the chemistry is right for both of us (and risk alienating a guy.) It's fine if I alienate an asshole, it sucks, but there it is. But I would hate to think that the guys who may be perfect for the rest of the relationship would become an asshole because of the sex on the first (or second) date.
    These are all rhetorical questions. You took a calculated risk fucking him on your first date. It could have gone smashingly well, but it didn't, and while that's indeed unfortunate, it was the result of a miscommunication in mutual expectations. Would he still be an asshole if he was simply more diplomatic about not wanting to see you again? And how friggin' perfect could he be if possibly sleeping with him would cause him to reject you? Again, these are rhetorical questions.

    I don't want to not learn my lesson if this is something that I really do need to not lose a guy that I like. But I also have a hard time with the idea that most guys would turn out to be assholes if I slept with them on the first date. I don't want to date an a guy who thinks like that, but then I also don't want to miss out on a really great guy because I didn't wait til the third date.
    As anecdotal evidence here shows, you're just as likely (if not moreso) to run into guys that have no issue with girls that like sex on the first date as you will guys that will reject you for said behavior, so this line of reasoning is false.

    Myself, a first date that could have merely been a torrid and passionate one-night stand became a torrid and passionate relationship that lasted more than a year.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer
    OK, so you've established that he knew what he wanted and, more importantly, that you knew what he wanted. Did you establish unambiguously that you were interested in anything more than being a fuck buddy?

    Actually, he probably was. You just weren't paying attention or listening.
    I just don't equate a date, and his type of affection (hand holding, cheek kisses, and working up to a gentle, short first kiss) with a fuck buddy player type mentality. Now, if he'd been aggressive SEXUALLY and not just fast with affection, then yeah, I'd agree with you.
    We also texted back and forth, and at one point I said, "hey, I like you. If you don't dig me like that, I think you'd make a cool friend." So I think that TOLD him what I wanted, i.e. not just sex, but not superserious either.

    Now, as for the second time sleeping with him, yeah, I wasn't paying that much attention. I was too enamored and didn't see the red flags that this was just a tumble for this guy. I don't want a serious bf, or even really a bf. I do want someone I can date somewhat steadily and keep things a little casual, but also not have it be JUST sex. This is where I screwed up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer
    Would he still be an asshole if he was simply more diplomatic about not wanting to see you again? And how friggin' perfect could he be if possibly sleeping with him would cause him to reject you? Again, these are rhetorical questions.
    hmmm....if he was more diplomatic. Possibly. But even then the total difference between how he acted towards me before we slept together (but especially before we slept together the second time) and how he acted afterwards is what I take issue with. It would have been smart of him knowing that I liked him to have said, I'm only looking for sex. It would have been smart of me to have asked...but somehow I don't think I would have gotten a straight or honest answer. And he's not perfect, but the guy that he was BEFORE sex both times, was a guy that I could see myself going out with. It's the afterwards that is what makes him not good to see. And...he did want to see me again; I told him that knowing everything that he told me that I might want to hang out as friends at some point in the future, but not anytime soon. He was a little taken aback by that AND made it a point of not only saying "see you later" when he dropped me off, but then after I said, "yeah right, whatever" of following it up with something like "Yeah, I'm sure I'll see you real soon." HUH??? So, yeah, he just wanted someone to fuck which isn't cool if I had different expectations that I felt were clearer than his.

    so... I'm glad that at least my question about what MOST guys would think and about this guy being an asshole probably regardless of whether or not I slept with him on the first (or second date) has been cleared up.

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    Featured Member venusofwillendorf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sleeping with guys on the first date

    this is why i always sleep with them before the first date.... and then the first date doesn't even happen if i decide they're annoying, boring, bad in bed, or just... not right.
    be the change you wish to see in the world....
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