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Thread: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

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    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    So yes, I know there are similar threads out there, but I can't find them.

    I'm going on a date with a guy tomorrow that I've been talking to online- so far things seem good, so I'm optimistic. However, the stripper stuff hasn't come up yet...

    I know I should tell him right away, but I really like guys to get to know me first, so that it's really clear in their minds just how not-a-stereotypical-stripper I am.

    How long can I wait without him being furious for witholding the info? I am telling him that I do sporadic agency work in bars, but I'm glossing over the nudie part. I dance very part time now, (like 6 days a month max).

    Interested in both customer and dancer opinions.

    Feature costumes for sale!

  2. #2
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    It has always worked for me to be upfront from the get-go. Since you haven't met him in person yet, wait until then. That way, he has a chance to like you for you, and will be able to see that you're not any of the stripper stereotypes.

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    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    With a mouthful?

    Seriously, I'd say when it looks like it will be more than just a couple dates. That way it doesn't set a tone for anything, but you know him well enough to judge his response. Never to an online prospect, must be in person.

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    God/dess Pretty_Penny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    i would say the time is right when it seems real "feelings" are involved. if it's very casual at this point i don't consider it "lying" to not be telling him. when it mlooks like it might move into "relationship land" tell him.

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    Veteran Member azcustomer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Um, when you feel that you are asking him for exclusivity.

    Otherwise, you are learning to appreciate each other's company.

    There was a great analogy I read recently. It mentioned that early into relationships, it's like going to a coffee shop and looking at the ceiling tiles. Early on, we are constantly looking for the missing or slightly askew tile which lets us know that the coffee shop is really wrong for us rather than focusing on the quality of the coffee.

    It's a relationship - enjoy what you can of it while you can and when you feel that you absolutely need to share this small (6 times a month!) part of your life with him in order to test your compatibility, then do so. Not a minute before.

    And if you think you'll enjoy his company but think he'll reject you if you lay the dancer thing on him, then by all means, keep it private. Make sure you get as much out of the relationship as you can.


    "Life is not about the number of breaths you take.
    It's about those moments which leave you breathless."

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    I feel "exclusivity" is a choice... not an expectation.

    Scarlette, The answer to your question is:

    You should feel ok telling him about when you know you'd be surprised if he takes it negativly.


    This could be on the first phone call, or while spooning after insane crazy sex. It's all in how YOU feel.

    Figure the guy out, let him figure you out. Jobs have little to do with that. If talking about your job has you scared to learn about his maturity, then you don't know him well enough to talk to him about much of anything. If you make it all dramatic and have a big lead in then you're expecting a reaction. Pass it off as nothing, and he'll see he has 0 to worry about. If he still freaks leave.

    Examples: If you spend all dinner telling me about your future, where you're going, why you're so busy, how you plan on achieving your goals, and your personal boundaries in detail, when you bring up dancing, IF I LISTENED, I can already tell it's only a job to accellerate your goal potential. I wouldn't even have to ask, since I would know by your convictions that you are not an extras girl, and based on your personality I could tell if you have funny stories or not. (Funny matters to mast)

    If you communicate or sub communicate this: "Dude, I am going to tell you something, I'm a dancer. If you don't like it, tough. I do this because I'm going through school blah blah blah, and I need you to know that it isn't going to stop because you may not like it. I hope you're ok with that, but this is what I do, deal with it." I don't care if you said "I'm a Nun", My ass would be gone.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    I'm surprised that he hasn't yet asked what you 'do'. That would seem to be the natural time to tell him...

  8. #8
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Quote Originally Posted by dlabtot
    I'm surprised that he hasn't yet asked what you 'do'. That would seem to be the natural time to tell him...
    Yeah, me too! Anytime I have chatted with someone I met online, it has almost ALWAYS come up about what either one of us "does." And the times it hasn't, it did come up within the first meeting, and at that point, they already liked me enough that when I said, "Oh, I'm a stripper." they took it just fine--even were interested about the biz because I typically seem to attract the guys that "don't go to those places."

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    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    I'm surprised that he hasn't yet asked what you 'do'. That would seem to be the natural time to tell him...
    He has...and I told him the truth. My main 'jobs' are going to school and running my used bookstore, plus I have a bunch of projects that I do once a month or so for extra money like eBay, custom sewing &etc.

    It's all wrapped up in the '&etc', lol

    Thanks for the advice so far...very helpful.

    Feature costumes for sale!

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    ^^^ well that WAS your best opportunity to say it, imho. If someone said that to me and then later revealed that the '&etc' was stripping, I'd feel that she didn't trust me... of course, if it's early in the relationship, one shouldn't neccesarily expect to be trusted... still, I think you should have... bringing it up now might be awkward, but you should do it sooner rather than later

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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    So tell him you have a friend who's a dancer and watch his reaction.

    If he gets the hots to meet your "friend", or if he gets all negative about stripping you can back away with no long term problems.

    If he reacts in a positive way, you can always tell him it's you that dances.

    Very easy to tell someone you're a dancer and impossible to "untell" them.

    Phil.

  12. #12
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Advice from writing 101: Show don't tell. <G>

    In all seriousness, there's no boilerplate to this, I'd argue. In some cases, releasing too much information, too fast, makes a bad impression, whatever the information. In other instances, two people connect in a way that they quickly reveal themselves down to the bedrock.

    Best of luck, S_V. We hope it works out to your satisfaction.

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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    6th date

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    In some cases, releasing too much information, too fast, makes a bad impression, whatever the information. In other instances, two people connect in a way that they quickly reveal themselves down to the bedrock.
    I have to agree in full; the time and manner of this discovery will reveal itself in due time. Don't force it, and don't ignore it.

    If talking about your job has you scared to learn about his maturity, then you don't know him well enough to talk to him about much of anything. If you make it all dramatic and have a big lead in then you're expecting a reaction. Pass it off as nothing, and he'll see he has 0 to worry about. If he still freaks leave.
    Well said.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    Featured Member GnBeret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    2nd date, assuming he asks you out again and you're interested enough to say "yes."
    "That's your answer Old Man? I guess you're a Hard Case too...."
    - Luke
    "Some men, you just can't reach...."
    - Boss, re Luke

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    it's that you can always see it coming, but you can never stop it.
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    God/dess Zabrina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    I say it right off the bat when the "what do you do" question comes up. If he acts weird about it, you already know what kind of person he is and don't have to waste more time on him. Its a very easy way to weed out sleazebags and/or judgemental pricks that way.

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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Well, i think you should first pinpoint which aspect of stripping has you the most weary about telling him. I just started to date a new guy, and i have been slowly building up to the fact that i strip for a living in a club atmosphere. I am very comfortable with the performing aspect of it...therefore i started off by comparing his passion for music to my passion for erotic artistic burlesque movement. I actually told him on our first date, but he understood. I think that he could tell how serious i took it, and how "healthy" it was, therefore the "nudity" aspect of it was not a problem. This is my method for building up to the fact that i lapdance for men in clubs(which i am weary about telling him.) I first got him used to the fact that i perform nude...the next confession will come soon.
    Anyway, my advice would be to make sure your "confession" is told to him with passion. if he gets a good sense that you enjoy it, and it's a healthy part of who you are,...everything should be fine. Good luck!

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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    I would say three or four dates would not be too long. It will give you time to figure out if you want to keep seeing him and also give you time to display/prove that the sterotype doesn not fit you. So maybe his reaction will be along the lines of "oh, I would have never guessed, you don't seem like one at all."

    I would say don't dig the hole any deeper though, if he should directley ask you what that 'other stuff' you do is, do not lie about it. In this case, if it were told to me or not told depending on how you look at it, an ommission would be a lie.

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    Newbie captainadkins's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Immediately. Unless you're looking for drama later. It's the 21st C., after all. But you might try calling yourself an entertainer or dancer first, then explain as the questions come.

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    Veteran Member candygrrl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    i didnt tell my boyfriend for about a year and a half. he knew though. It caused a lot of stress for a few months bc I didn't really want to talk about it bc I felt like he would see me differently and he was very hurt that I didn't tell him and was living some secret life. Things are ok now, and I'm pretty sure he's not mad anymore because I just paid for our vacation to Vegas.

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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Right off the bat, in my opinion, before date one. I should think it's extremely obvious that you don't embody any of the negative stripper stereotypes, and I think that waiting to tell carries a huge risk of the dude thinking you were lying to him. Of course, I never wanted to waste my time justifying my career choice or converting anyone who already had negative opinions of the industry, so maybe that's why I'd say something early. Maybe your situation requires more finesse?

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    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    i agree ^^ just had similar situation scarlett, told him the first convo on phone (first wechatted on IM, then phone same night like a week ago, then we went out last night) and he already knew I wasn't a stereotypical stripper. i make sure to bring it up asap since i feel im beign dishonest if i do not. and that way if there is going to be an issue with it, it's done before either person gets too attached. just my 2 cents.

    Love it!

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    Veteran Member azcustomer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    Sometimes it's best to be up front with controversial issues.

    You are getting a lot of good pink advice here.

    Here's my 2 cents:

    In today's world, many times when we enter into a relationship, it's like entering into a room and figuring out if we want to stay. Too many times, we look at the ceiling tiles in an attempt to find a flawed or missing tile which causes us to leave the room. But if we take some time to stay in the room, we might find other things we enjoy about the ambiance, the smells, etc. and the flawed or missing tile may later be ignored or even get fixed.

    Many of the questions we ask about others are all about fitting into stereotypes. And many of the questions aren't relevant to YOUR RELATIONSHIP, which is what you should be trying to enjoy.

    It's nice to focus on the here and now of a relationship. Enjoy the meal, the show, the music, the scenery. See how he treats other people as a gauge for how he'll treat you. Don't stress over your past problems or you'll be forced to relive them.

    So, I'd say take some time to figure the guy out and tell him only when the fact that you're a stripper becomes relevant to your relationship with him, or after you have established enough of a rapport with him to gauge his response.

    And if after a while he seems like the kind of guy who couldn't handle the truth, then start to look for a guy who could.


    "Life is not about the number of breaths you take.
    It's about those moments which leave you breathless."

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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    I personally would wait a 3-4 dates at least. But that's just me. I'm a very private person and only share things about my life with a few close friends and people who I trust. I'm by all means not at all ashamed of being a stripper and I don't and think just about every dancer on here doesn't fit that stereotypical stripper, but unfortunately even in 2006, people are still close minded to what the stripping world involves. Unfortunately, there are so many people out there that when they hear stipper, they automatically hear to themselves drugged out, high maintanence whore. That's so ludicrus, but that's ignorant people for you.

    If it were me, I'd wait a few dates to see how things are going and see if you seem to be clicking. If you are, then tell him or when he askes more specifics of your job(s) then tell him them. Like if he askes "so tell me more about your work, how did you get into it, do you enjoy it, how long have you been doing it, etc." You know that will come up, sooner or later, especially if you are clicking and you continue to see each other. Now if you go on 1 or 2 dates with this guy and he turns out to be totally not your type, is totally not what you're looking for or if you really aren't clicking and you know that you're not going to go out with him again, then there's no need to tell him and no harm done. The thing that I'd be scared of the most is if I went out with a guy and if I told him on the 1st or 2nd date and then maybe by the end of the 2nd or by the 3rd date I realized I didn't like him, wasn't my type or whatever, I'd be afraid that he'd start coming to the club I work at and give me problems or be a stalker because I am a stripper. I'm not trying to worry you, just make sure that when you tell him that it "feels right" to you, listen to your gut feeling, by listening to your intuition, you'll know if it's the right thing to do or not.

    Keep us posted, & good luck on your date! I hope you guys really hit it off!!!

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    Featured Member red red red's Avatar
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    Default Re: Telling a new guy I'm a stripper: best time?

    It shouldn't take you too long to figure out what he's made of... not even whether he's stripper-friendly or not, but whether he's worth confiding in about anything. Just keep in mind that if you wait too long to tell him, he's going to be a little hurt that it took you so long to trust him... I think that has more potential to screw things up than the actual stripperdom.

    I know how it is, though... sometimes you just want to experience life beyond the stigma for awhile before the endless discussions about your job begin.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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