apologize if this is a repeat/old/long.
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Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It's a Testosterone thing. Much similar to your P.M.S. thing, we men suffer from Testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter? And it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure! Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Q: Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
A: Again, this is a Testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the Testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our mate frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.
Q: Why are men so uncommunicative?
A: You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it, you get into trouble with your mate.
Q: Why do men have to act like such retards?
A: Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
Q: How do men always manage to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?
A: Umm... Instinct, natural timing, and lots of practice (not necessarily in that order).
Q: Why can't men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel (and could care less)? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, or disgust, we have no idea how we feel. I personally get a little dizzy whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Generally speaking, I feel mostly annoyed when a woman asks me to share how I feel.
Q: Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
A: Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... On the other hand, sitting on our asses for hours on end is a whole other story.
Q: How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
A: Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers and et cetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
Q: Why do men always speak to my breasts?
A: Boy, aren't we a little proud of ourselves? Maybe we're trying to speak to your heart. No? Well, the truth is that for many women, breasts may be the most interesting aspect of their personality. Yes, yes... It depend a lot on the particular woman (and the particular breasts). (See also: Why do men always neglect one breast over another?)
Q: Why do men always neglect one breast over another?
A: It always comes down to personality. There is something unique and special about every breast that gives it its own personality. It's similar to parents telling their children, "we love you all equally" when it's the furthest from the truth. Besides, it's hard for a man to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Personally, I suspect that most men would be much happier with just a single large perky breast in the middle of the chest.
Q: Why can't men just say "I love you?"
A: Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that to be a character fault. It's just not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
Q: Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
Q: What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
A: 1 Sleep with me. 2 Please sleep with me. 3 I'm sorry for whatever it is that you think I did. 4 What other woman? 5 I forgot to get you a gift. 6 What? I was listening. I was! I swear! 7 Anniversary? What anniversary? Didn't we just celebrate one last year? 8 Stop nagging me! 9 What do I have to do to get a beer around here? 10 PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME!
Q: What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
A: It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
Q: What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
A: Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
Q: What does it mean when men tell you that they prefer women who don't wear a lot of make up?
A: This is our subtle way to tell you that your makeup looks like it was applied by a team of chimpanzees with paint guns. How dare women accuse us men of having no tact?
Q: Why doesn't my mate ever answer me?
A: We can hear you just fine; we're just ignoring you. We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Q: Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
A: Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.
Q: What's with all the belching and farting?
A: This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
Q: Why do men hate shopping?
A: Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to men. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing (I won't even comment on the subject of women and swallowing).
Q: How can men be so inconsiderate?
A: Frankly, I'm hurt that you can even say such a thing. Lets take sex for instance. If a man lasts more than five minutes with you, he's thinking of nothing but you. To a man, an orgasm is an orgasm, whether achieved after five minutes or an hour of intercourse. Remember that the next time you have sex. We do it all, and we do it for you.
Q: Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
A: Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the peeing frequency over the sitting frequency. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. After all, we aim to please.
Q: Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?
A: Who wants to pee in front of a guillotine, much less a pink fuzzy one? All the extra fuzz makes it impossible for the toilet seat to stay up properly. You either have to be talented enough to hold it up with one hand while peeing, or you have to really test your aiming and control skills. While most women need fuzzy toilet seat covers to avoid having to sit on a cold toilet seat, men are fortunate enough to have built-in cushioning (read: hair) on their bums.
Q: Why can't men be more sensitive?
A: We are perfectly capable of being sensitive. We just have no desire to be. Some men actually tried that in the '80s, but the consensus is that it was a total failure. It turned out that women don't really want sensitive men. Women only want men not to freak out when women do something stupid like crashing their car or blowing out their best speakers. Otherwise, women want men that won't think twice before crushing that big hairy spider hiding underneath the toilet.



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