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Thread: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

  1. #1
    smartcookie
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    Sad Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    Get out yer hankies folks - I've a sad tale to tell.

    My mother and my biological father split up when I was about two. They had a very tumultuous on-again off-again relationship. My mother has always been drawn to domineering men and - from what little anecdotal evidence I have about him, my father was/is a very charismatic, handsome but abusive, narcissistic prick. When my mother asked for a nominal amount for child support, he denied paternity and never attempted to make contact with either one of us again.

    When I discovered the power of Google years ago, curiousity led me to search the name on my birth certificate. I found him and continued to do a search every 3 or 4 months or so. He's an academic so he moved around a lot. I thought about contacting him, not because I want some big teary reunion, but because I do want to know about my background. There are practical reasons for this: (1) from a health standpoint, I should know a little bit about where I come from; and (2) he's Italian-American, and there's a chance that I could obtain Italian citizenship under a "grandfathering" loophole. But I could never bring myself to write or call.

    Tonight, I did one of my periodic searches. To my astonishment, he's back in New York, at a very prestigious new job.

    The pros are as above.

    The cons:

    -He's a selfish bastard.
    -It would hurt my mom a lot to know that he's back (he fucked her up pretty bad).
    -I don't know how to get in touch with him discreetly as all I have is his work address and I know from experience that employers DO monitor online communication done on company time.

    Part of me says fuck it, he owes me big time and I want to put an end to my curiosity.

    The other part says that it's been almost thirty years and I should just leave well alone; after all, if he wanted to be in touch he would have made the first move.

    What should I do?

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    I think you should go for what you can get. He owes you. Plain and simple! I practice what I preach and spent three months living with my father for a once-in-a-lifetime experience of getting to know him. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I couldn't have dreamed how big a hole I had in my development. You have nothing to lose on this deal. My Dad mellowed out and has become sentimental. There's no telling how your father may have improved with age.

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    It sounds like you really want to contact him, and in that case I would do it. Perhaps just a simple email message introducing yourself and requesting that he contact you on off hours, if he chooses? I would probably go on to say I wouldn't continue any further contacts if I didn't hear from him. I can't imagine that would get him in trouble at work. Maybe try harder to find some personal contact info? It's amazing what you can find online these days...

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    The first thing you will want to do is be clear on the "why?" So far, you've listed curiosity, health reasons, possible dual citizenship and "the bastard owes me."

    A good start would be to pick one or two that are consistent in purpose and emotional intent. The ones you listed are all over the map. This is surely understandable -- it's an emotional landmine.

    In reading your post, I can't figure out if you are driven more by curiosity, anger, need for knowledge or the desire to rub his nose in something. How he treated you mother? Why did he leave? And the unstated ones (Why has he not tried to contact you? Why did he abandon you?)

    "Curiosity" usually masks something else.

    If you approach him with even the slightest intent to punish or get even, you are seriously narrowing your odds of success, as I'm sure you know. Curiously, what everybody underestimates is the effect he is going to have on you - the shock of actually seeing him; the recognition of shared physical similarities; suppressed or old memories rushing to the surface. You can get emotionally bushwhacked.

    I went through the exact same thought process about a decade ago, but came to the conclusion that as much as my natural father (who also abandoned my mother and me) gave me the dark, intense, obsessive, intellectual and physical parts of who I am, for which I am eternally grateful, the fact that he is still very prominent on the other side of the line means that my life cannot cross his. This made my decision for me.

    You have a lot more freedom and I would encourage you to find the wisdom to use it creatively and with compassion.

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    Hmmm.....tought one. Give it a shot and see what happens. But be prepared for dissapointment.....

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Other Owner
    Curiously, what everybody underestimates is the effect he is going to have on you - the shock of actually seeing him; the recognition of shared physical similarities; suppressed or old memories rushing to the surface. You can get emotionally bushwhacked.
    That was the whole thrust of my post. You won't know what this guy can bring to you until you try. You could become conscious of a whole world of feelings and needs when you meet.

  7. #7
    smartcookie
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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    Considering that he tried (and failed) to extort $50,000 from my mom's family in 1978, I kinda sorta doubt he's had some kind of personal redemption, Shawshank or otherwise. So I wrote a carefully worded inquiry to his brother instead, who lives overseas, asking for his advice on what to do. We'll see what, if anything, comes out of it.

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    DAMN!!!! He sure is a selfish bastard. Good Luck and be cautious. He may be into damn near anything now.

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    Default Re: Holy shit. BioDad is back in NYC.

    I didn't realize you knew how to contact his brother. That's exactly what I would've done, feel the water a bit then see if you wanna wade in or not. I agree with others that meeting him will have a huge impact on you, so that's something to try and be prepared for. I hope it works out well, whatever happens.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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