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Thread: I hate being a pushover

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Angry I hate being a pushover

    I have to vent here. Maybe you guys can help me out a little. Sometimes I really feel used by people. I've been trying to work on this lately and be more assertive, but sometimes I chicken out and revert to my cowardly, unassertive pushover ways. It annoys me how I always seem cheated out of money or friendships. This is partly my fault, but also partly the fault of the individuals/companies involved.

    OK the most recent example is what I wrote about in an earlier thread. One of my best guy friends begged me for a ride to Ozzfest. He lives in Bethlehem, a full 2hrs from where I live. I was in Atlantic City, 2hrs away from my home. I didn't get home from work in AC until 6:30am, and basically my friend was asking me to do 6hrs of consistent driving on my 1976 camper van with no sleep at all. When he asked me for a ride, at first I said yes; then 5mins later after rethinking this, I got all angry and called him back to tell him no, I was not a taxi driver. I was trying to prove to him that I was not the same doormat that his friends had used for rides a few years ago. He kept begging, and after I kept saying no, he called his friend Jen and offered her $100 from his next paycheck for her to drive him and his friend to Philly. The one thing I agreed to was that it'd be infeasible for me to pick him and his friend up for Ozzfest, but I'd be able to give them a ride home to Bethlehem afterwards. Well, I do this and my camper van's accelerator cable snaps on the way, leaving us broken down in an empty parking lot at 3am. After notifying the cops of this and getting permission from them, we slept overnight in the camper van until a kind soul helped me rig the cable chain the next morning. During this time, I was profusely apologizing to them for my car breaking down...when in reality, THEY shoulda been apologizing to ME! It was MY car that broke down, MY car that I have to buy a new cable for(it's not too expensive, but still). They shoulda been like "geez, we're sorry we made you do this. We know how much you cherish your van and if we knew your very old van was gonna break, we wouldn't have asked you to do this." But noooo I was apologizing to THEM, and I felt bad that they couldn't get home on time, so I spent $50 for lunch at TGI Friday's for us as a "treat" for them "tolerating" sleeping in my van overnight, which wasn't very comfortable but at least it was sufficient. What an idiot I am! No wonder people use me for rides! So Jen got paid $100 to drive them, whereas I essentially got paid -$50...yep, that's NEGATIVE FIFTY.

    Speaking of car problems, how I react to car accidents is another thing that makes me a pushover. Every time that someone has hit one of my cars in the past, I am very nice to them and I do not get angry at them for hitting my car or inconveniencing my day. In most cases, I've apologized to THEM! As in, I felt bad that the driver hit my car and was now screwed over with repair costs and rising insurance premiums, so I apologized! For example, my first accident...a lady rear-ended a car while I was stopped at a red light...I was thinking "oh no, I hope I don't get in trouble!!" when I wasn't even the one in the wrong! I felt so bad that the lady had to pay for my car repair, that I apologized to her and was thinking, "If it weren't for my car being there, she wouldn't have hit it," essentially blaming myself! When I did nothing wrong! That's how wishy-washy I am.

    But when the shoe's on the other foot, do you think the person was that nice to me when I hit them?...NOOOO! I've never caused a major accident, but I have caused a few stupid minor little incidents, such as 2 occasions that I scratched a car's bumper while pulling out of a parking space. During each of these occasions, I would profusely apologize to the owner, be very punctual in paying back the repair or providing my insurance information, and show sincerity. In both of these incidences, both the girls involved acted kinda snobby and didn't even appreciate my honesty. For example, there was a time a few years ago that I scratched this coworker girl's bumper. Our dads were discussing the insurance policies over the phone, and her dad told my dad that when his daughter first got the car, someone pulled a "hit-and-run" so he was happy that I was a better person than the "hit-and-run" driver, how he was happy that I was so honest and upfront about hitting her. Well, I'm glad her dad appreciated my honesty, because she sure didn't act like she did. She wouldn't even acknowledge my existence at work. Not that she ever did before that either, though.

    It seems that companies use me, too. Do you know how many min wage jobs would tell me that I was their best worker, yet jip me out of big enough raises? I was like dependable cheap labor for them. There was one retail job specifically, that used me to work the very undesirable 5am Black Friday shift for them, then fired me the very next day. They didn't even have the decency to tell me not to come in the next day...meanwhile I drove a big 4hr round-trip to get to work the next day, just to be told an hour or so into my shift that I was fired and could "go home now." They didn't even let me finish out the day. Oh, and I was fired for a small technicality, a 1min lateness, it wasn't like I did something profane or stole or something bigger than some petty nonsense. Now because I'm such a push-over, I didn't even have the balls to tell my manager how absurd it was to send me home after I'd driven a 4hr round-trip just to get to work on time at 5am for them. I just said "okay!" with a subservient smile and left promptly.

    There was another job a few years ago, that would consistently schedule me bad hours...the hours were so bad, that they interfered with my schoolwork to the point that I had to drop a class to avoid getting an F...and I'm an A student. The money that I lost on that class, far outweighed the money that I made at that job THE ENTIRE SUMMER I SLAVED AWAY THERE. They would do stupid shit like schedule me a 8pm-10pm shift on Sunday night, and I'd have to drive an hour round-trip for this 2hr bullshit shift. Not even worth the money. Moreover, the timing was very inconvenient for me because I had weekly Organic Chemistry exams on each Monday, and I study best when it's the night before(I'm not a morning person, and I don't recall material if I study it too far in advance) so the shift caused more harm than good. The high school kids that woked there with me, would falsely blame problems on me because they knew that I'd take responsibility for it. Meanwhile, they were laughing behind my back and saying that I was "too cheerful." I felt anything BUT cheerful, I only pretended to be cheerful because when you're in a customer-oriented job, you're SUPPOSED to act cheerful. I never felt acknowledged for how good of a job I did.

    Right now, I'm in the middle of arguing with an ex-boyfriend about money he owes me. When we were together, we had a shared/family phone plan and we still keep it, because neither of us wants to pay the costly termination fees. So I pay the bill, then collect his share of it. But he expects me to drive to his house to pick up the money. If I'm too busy working or jobsearching to meet him at a compatible time for him, he then spends the money on beer and claims that I "waited too long." I asked him if he could deposit the cash in my bank account to save me the drive, and he made an excuse to avoid doing that. Today, I called him to retrieve money for soon-to-be 3months of phone bills($230). He claimed that he'd spent the money he'd saved for me before because I didn't drive there. He also said that he doesn't have the money now because he took off work due to getting beaten up in a fight, and then attending his friend's funeral. Geez, I wish my lawyer had the same sympathy for me. Back in February, my mother passed away and right afterwards, I came down with strep throat and tonsilitis, yet the following Monday, my lawyer was telling me that I owed him another $2500 due immediately...$2500 more than he'd originally quoted me for a case he was working on for me. $2500 is a LOT more than $230. It just angers me how I keep getting passed over and pissed on.

    Sorry about the long rant...I just get angry at people, and even moreso at myself. What's even worse, is that "friends" used me even more for rides when I had a less reliable car and made less money. Back then, it's not like I had tons of money to throw around on gas to drive them around, if anything I got into a nice little debt with my Shell gas station credit card because of it. It seems that people like to leech off the least stable people. It angers me that as soon as I think I've gotten balls, I shrink into the same unassertive character mold that I thought was a thing of the past. It angers me how I can let people step on me like that. My solutions to this are usually calling up the friend/employer that used me like a week after it happens, and bitching/yelling at them about it, which just makes me look like a psychotic bitch in the end. What should I do? Should I write off these people and ignore their existence? Should I apologize less(I'm the type that people often claim I say "I'm sorry" too much)? Should I pretend that I don't have a car, so people won't use me for rides? Should I shut off my ex's phone service? Thanks for any feedback.

  2. #2
    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: I hate being a pushover

    First of all - break the "I'm sorry" habit. I'm still trying to break it, but I've gotten a lot better.

    I don't believe that you would necessarily have to write these people off, but just stop letting them walk all over you and take advantage of you. You need to try to take baby steps in being more assertive. Maybe start by not driving people everywhere, or setting your conditions upfront. (i.e. ask for a reasonable amount upfront to cover gas and time expenses. If they complain, tell them to get a cab, b/c you have something else you could be doing). The trick here is being more assertive without coming off as a complete bitch. In an effort to be less of a doormat, I've ended up looking like the biggst bitch to ever walk to earth. There's a fine line that I'm still trying to find myself.

    As for the ex's phone service - how much longer is on this contract? If if it only a few months, you may want to try to get the money from him, but if it is longer, I would just cancel his service, pay what you have to and consider it like this: You paid $x to get rid of him. Money well spent if he'll be like this all the time. Something else to consider if the contract doesn't end for a while, is how much you will end up having to pay if he doesn't give you a dime for the next several months. It may be cheaper to just pay up now and cancel his service.






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  3. #3
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    Default Re: I hate being a pushover

    I used to be the same way, then I woke up and realized I was being used and walked all over.Now my attitude is fuck everyone and it works for me. You just have to want to change

  4. #4
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: I hate being a pushover

    About the phone contract--It expires in 14 months(October 2007). I don't want to pay the $150 termination fee, which I nick-name a "punishment tax"(I am such a glutton for punishment, it seems), because I haven't been making very much money at work lately and I'm strapped for cash. Without my ex paying his share of the last 3 month's phone bills, I don't even know how I'm going to pay this month's phone bill, let alone a $150 termination fee on top of that. Right now as I write this, my guy friend/roommate is talking to my ex right now about all of this. I showed him this thread and he agreed with me that my ex is being a total jerk. My ex has gone to the bowling alley 0.1miles up the road from my apartment a few times this summer...why couldn't he have dropped off the money to me then? After all, isn't it a *privledge* that I got an extra phone line out for him? Doesn't he recall that he wasn't even able to get a cell phone by himself without paying a deposit, or opting for a less-efficient prepaid phone, because in the past he ran up a cell phone and never paid the bill?

    Another reason that I am angry, is because my unassertiveness affects the money I make dancing...or should I say, lack thereof. At Oasis, a few of the bitchier girls would purposely interrupt my convo with a customer to sit in his lap, cajole him away from me, etc. I never yelled at them for it, like I should have. As a result, I lost customers to them. One especially dead night in AC, I was talking to this middle-aged guy for a good 15mins or so. It was an admittedly interesting conversation(politics, economics, & such) and when the DJ announced that it was the last song of the night to get a lap dance, I asked him and he said "Nah, I already got a few of those with other girls." What I SHOULD have done, was promptly stand up and walk away to the dressing room, like most girls do. Instead, I was nice enough to stay and talk to him longer...even though I was the last girl on the floor, and he wasn't getting a dance or spending anything on me! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Talking to him wasn't keeping me from making money, since no one else was left in the club at this point, but still...So the whole time, I kept eyeing this lonely $1 that was randomly left by some other customer on the table next to the guy. At the end of the song, he said goodbye and didn't even hand me a fucking dollar! So I asked timidly, "Whose dollar is that over there?" and I guess he felt like he kinda owed it to me to give me the lonesome $1 that had been left behind. Oooh wow, a whole $1! A $1 that wasn't even his! It angers me how unassertive I was. Hells, I'm surprised that he even gave me the leftover dollar and didn't pocket it himself.

    I guess the point is, I fear that my unassertiveness is costing me money at work. I feel "used" by customers in the same ways I feel used by past jobs or so-called "friends." I don't want the customers to view me as cheap labor, aka someone who they can get free convo from and not have to worry about her pressuring them to buy her drinks or get dances, as the other girls do. But at the same time, I'm terribly timid and constantly afraid of looking TOO demanding/pushy.

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    Default Re: I hate being a pushover

    well the good point is your thinking and worrying about it. you will no doubt eventually change because of that. for me having someone to talk to determine my fairness compass helps. and it may be a cliche but if you pretend you're not afraid you're not afraid.

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    Default Re: I hate being a pushover

    Quote Originally Posted by Hello_Kitty27
    First of all - break the "I'm sorry" habit. I'm still trying to break it, but I've gotten a lot better.
    i've never heard of it refered to as a habit before, but i do catch myself saying it A LOT
    If u c4n r34d this u r34lly n33d 2 g37 l4id

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