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Thread: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Thumbs down How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    OK a few days ago, I was in a bad mood so I wrote a thread titled "I'm tired of being a pushover" or something to that effect. I wrote that I let myself get used by employers, acquaintences, customers, etc simply because I'm too nice and am deathly afraid of looking like an out-of-line bitch if I say "no." This has been a major weakness of mine and something I kinda hate myself for. I started thinking about this issue again when I gave my guy friend Brian a ride home from a concert, costing me all this gas money and misc expenses. Then I found out that same day that earlier, he'd paid his female friend $100 to drive him to the concert, yet he wasn't paying me anything to drive him home even though I've been strapped for cash.

    Well, yesterday I was talking to my friend Mike Nobody on the phone. Mike Nobody is a mutual friend of Brian and I, and in case you can't tell by his nickname, he is this kinda scrawny dweeby guy who has a timid nature and can't stand up for himself. For example, his parents forbid him to hang out with friends even though he's 20 and a good kid, use him as their personal Cinderella to clean the house, and stole money from him before. Also, Brian's borrowed money from Mike Nobody and to this day hasn't paid Mike back. So I vented to Mike about how the situation with driving Brian home, and how I feel like a pushover, he related to this, and I asked him for advice. He told me that I should gradually become less and less lenient over time, and that because Brian and them already have me pegged as a pushover, if I stand up for myself 100% all of a sudden, that they won't take well to it and will think I'm being a bitch. For example, next time I should give him a ride but ask for a fraction of the gas expense, then next time ask him to pay a larger amount for gas, etc progressing slowly over time. He said that the reason Brian's female friend can command $100 for giving a ride, is because she is known to demand things like this all the time. What??? How does that make the female friend's ride more "valuable" than mine?

    I do not agree with this and I think Mike's advice demonstrates his being a pushover! I don't WANT to wait a prolonged period of time and "paying my dues" before I can demand the rights that other people demand right off the bat. This isn't like a corporate job where I have to start at the bottom and work my way up the job ladder, or like rebuilding a credit score where I have to start small and gradually wait time for my credit to improve...this is standing up for myself so that I stop fuckin losing out on things in life! But at the same time, I don't know how to go about being more assertive in a way that won't be construed as bitchy. What do you think?

  2. #2
    Member TeethOfTheHydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    As you already know, you were given wimpy advice by a known pushover. If you don't want to be like him, don't take his advice. Sometimes bad examples are the best examples possible. You know, like the drunk-driving wreck that they left for years near the Verrazanno Bridge in Staten Island (props if you've seen it).

    That said, it is difficult (for both others and yourself) to act in a manner contrary to your nature and/or habits. I am certainly not suggesting that you cannot, will not, or do not want to change, but there is a grain of truth to Mike Nobody's advice: it will most likely put people off if you suddenly stop being yielding and start being demanding. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. Would you rather continue to be a pushover, take Mike Nobody's advice (which seems to infuriate you) or take a risk and assert yourself? Sure, people might think you're bitchy, but is that worse than what you've got going on now?

  3. #3
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    They don't sound like friends to me, so it doesn't sound like a big loss if your "a bitch" to them.

    The older we get, it seems like the fewer real friends we have.

  4. #4
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    This is the most effective way to stop being a pushover: say "F*ck you" to whoever is in your way and add "F*ck off" as a good measure. If they're not signing your paycheck or holding your rental lease, you don't owe anyone anything.
    The world is full of begging hands and bleeding hearts. And they only want MORE.

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    Mike sounds like he thinks his advice would be traced back to him if you made a change and he's afraid ppl would think less of him. He doesn't want to get involved. Can this other dude do you any favors? I'd suggest calling him up and asking him for one in exchange for what you did. And no more giving more of yourself (and your resources) than necessary or appreciated.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  6. #6
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine
    This is the most effective way to stop being a pushover: say "F*ck you" to whoever is in your way and add "F*ck off" as a good measure. If they're not signing your paycheck or holding your rental lease, you don't owe anyone anything.
    The world is full of begging hands and bleeding hearts. And they only want MORE.
    I once got in a fight with MadMaxine and this is what it sounded like:

    Last edited by Deogol; 08-13-2006 at 01:14 AM.

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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    Shit Deogol!! I'm sitting here in the dark and hearing that was FREAKY!

  8. #8
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    Thanks guys for the advice. Yeah, TeethOfTheHydra is right, I already knew that Mike was being wimpy by giving me that advice. I agree that some people might think I'm a "bitch" if I suddenly start demanding my rights, but at the same time, I do not think that Brian and associated peoples will consider me as bitchy as Mike thinks they will. I wonder if Mike is more submissive than me, and acts timid/unassertive because he's deathly afraid of people thinking he's too demanding/bitchy. Mike's submissiveness can probably be explained by a very bad family situation. His parents were separated or divorced for years, he was shunted back-n-forth between his parents when he was a kid, and now that he's living with his mom and stepdad, they are being mentally abusive by making all these dumb rules for him yet being hypocritical by stealing his cash to buy pot, a "weed" that they ban him from merely mentioning.

    I think that Brian is a little better than some asshole who would think badly if I stood up for myself. Admittedly, Brian has been there for me for a while now. However, there are a few people(as well as creditors/stores/companies) that will probably think I'm a "psycho bitch" for sticking up for myself in the least...as for these people/companies, it'd be much easier to avoid them cold-turkey, than face the problem and stand my ground. It's so much easier to just stop calling certain people, in fact, that's what I was doing for a while. Thanks again to everyone who responded to my thread.

  9. #9
    God/dess PookaShell's Avatar
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    You go girl!

  10. #10
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: How STUPID is this advice for how to be less of a pushover?

    Use humor and self deprecation. It usually works best. "hey, you freeloaders, who's chipping in for gas? My welfare check bounced and I don't have enough money to drive you bums around."

    And Mike Nobody's advice sucks.

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