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Thread: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Sad Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    It did. And I have never felt so scared in my life. Last night I found out my fiance posted this ad on craigslist DAYS after I lost our baby.
    Very Attractive yet Neglected 21 Year Old seeking a Mature woman - m4w - 21

    'Very attractive yet unsatisfied but mature 21 year old in serach of someone likewise. I love older woman (26+) probably to make a note worth that they seem to understand that incredible sex is a gem to be always in search for and when achieved, is the most glowing and transcendical experience ever. Thats the kind of woman I am looking for to maybe get something going this weekend. Must be open and free willed and minded. Fun loving and positive. Must love to laugh and know when to get mischievious at times!! Please get in contact with me ASAP and I will send you pictures. I'm also confident that my experience when it comes to being in bed will NOT let you down. Hope to hear from YOU soon!! '

    I'm in complete shock. I have been taking care of him for his BiPolar. Putting off grieving the loss of my child, and healing myself mentally to take care of him and this is how he repays me.
    I was lying in our bed with cramps, bleeding and crying when he wrote this.
    At first he tried to deny even writing it. Considering all the reply's in his email he can't really do that anymore so now he's saying he ''doesn't remember doing it, and he doesn't underdtand what's going on''
    He was even talking to himself, threatening suicide, trying to light his fingers on fire,ect.

    I guess the fact that I can't have sex for 3 weeks because I just had a miscarriage was too long for him to wait.

    I am just so hurt because at the time whe I needed him the most he did this to me. I have no one in this city, and I'm really scared. I am just shaking and in a total state of shock. For this to happen right now is the worst timing but I am glad I found out sooner rather than later.
    To think I almost married this guy.
    I kept asking for a sign all week as to what to do because his bipolar has gotten so out of control and I was killing myself taking care of him. I sure got my sign.
    Yes, I am leaving him. I just don't know what I'm going to do now.
    I'm afraid all this happening at once is really going to mess me up emotionally and it will be hard for me to feel happy again.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  2. #2
    Veteran Member siliconedoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Im so sorry magdalena, thats just awful. I cant really offer any words of wisdom but like you said its better that you didnt marry the guy. take care and take some time out to look after yourself for a change. xxx

  3. #3
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Horrible. Glad you're leaving him. Don't look back. Definitely take care of yourself, neighbor.

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    God/dess NinaDaisy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    "Older" is 26? And what does "transcendical" mean?

    The usual advice doesn't really apply here, since you recently had a miscarriage.

    Also, not to sound harsh, but you should consider removing the baby ticker to help you heal.

    If he's bipolar and that much of a mess, he might not likely do much to get better. Also, he wouldn't have made a very good father either.

    Run away as fast as you can. Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you're in this transition?
    "She has written so well, and marvellously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer...But this girl, who is to my knowledge very unpleasant and we might even say a high-grade bitch, can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers"

    Ernest Hemingway on writer, aviation pioneer and horse trainer Beryl Markham


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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Oh my god, I didn't know my baby ticker was still there. I thought I removed it. How do i get it off. I don't see any of the tickers at all anymore because I clicked on disable or something. How do i just delete it? Thank you Nina for telling me.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  6. #6
    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    My mom want's me to come stay with her in St. Louis. But I hate it there and have no car so I would just be stuck in her house in the suburbs. Right now it's looking like my only option though. I have to stay in this apartment untill Oct. because that's when my lease run's out.
    I'm making him give me money for the rent before he leaves. Last night he said he would be he was in a delerious state so who know's if he will try to back out of it. But I feel at the VERY least he should pay my rent.

    I'm still in shock. I haven't cried yet. This doesn't feel real yet. I know when it hits it's going to be bad.
    Last edited by Magdalena_666; 08-28-2006 at 08:58 AM.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Wow. I'm sorry that you're going through that right now. But like you said...It's a good thing you know this now. I wish I were near by to help out. Take care of yourself.

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Does anyone know how I can remove the ticker? I thought I had removed it before but I apparently just disabled seeing any of the tickers from babytickers.com
    I can see it now and I need to get it off there asap. Can I give someone my password if they can log in for me and get it off? Because I can't figure out why I'm not able to remove it. And seeing it is making me sick and feel like I can't breathe.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    go to my setting
    go to edit signature...
    delete everything inthe little block...

  10. #10
    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Thank you Montana. It's off now.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  11. #11
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Your Welcome Sweety!

    I am sorry for what you are going through. PM me if you want to talk...

  12. #12
    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    I just keep wondering if he cheated on me while I was pregnant too. He changed all his passwords which I thought was weird. I have been having this horrible feeling for awhile now, but because of everything else going on I wasn't sure where it was coming from. There was also a letter from his ex in his email. I wrote her and asked if we could talk on the phone. I want her to know what' s going on in case he's trying to bullshit her too.

    It's like he's a pathological liar or something. He won't admit to anything. It's sick. He's going to have to go home to his parents because I can't take care of him anymore. His mom doesn't believe he is even sick! She thinks he is just under a lot of stress and blames me for it.
    He has kicked in the front door of our apartment, punched holes in walls, cut himself all over his arms, goes into rages like I have never seem a human go into before, and I have to deal with this everyday, not them. So I know they are going to blame me because they don't see this side of him. And his symptoms came on prtetty suddenly. Out of nowhere almost. After reading up on BiPolar it seems that the onset is usually 21 years old which is how old he is.
    Has anyone ever dealt with anyone with this disease before? His meds are not helping and I'm really scared that when he wakes up he is going to go into a rage. if that happens I have to call 911 and he will have to go back to the mental hospital because I can't handle anything else right now. I'm broken. Completly broken.

    I have lost myself too much already. For all this to happen at once is just too traumatic.
    I'm trying to stay strong but fuck...I've lost everything. What I thought was my life is gone and starting over just seems so impossible at this point. I'm exhausted out. My whole body is aching and I'm so weak physically. I woke up crying the other day because I had a dream about the baby. I need a counsler but I have no insurance.
    I can't help but to blame myself a little for all of this for moving in so quickly with him. I was so naive and really believed him when he said he would die for me,a nd take care of me for the rest of his life. It was all lies. How am I ever going to trust or love again? I'm losing more hope everyday.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  13. #13
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Im sorry Mags. Good for you for leaving his ass no questions asked. :hugs:

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    Featured Member xbloodydewdropx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Mag, so so sorry. he should have been there for you through this ordeal. it's possible he's in a manic state right now and thus doing things that are irrational, but it's no excuse for treating you this way. it's good that you realize that you cannot help him, because doing so would only drain more energy from you, and right now you need to heal. even though it would be a bit stifling, maybe staying with your mom could be a good solution (just a bit). if you have a good relationship with her, she will provide the support and comfort you need right now. if not your mom, then any old friends in cities that you like are options too. i think the sooner you get out of your current environment, the better, as everything around you will remind you of the pain of losing you baby, and your ex-fiance. it's ok to take down-time in life if you need to, as it refreshes you so you can move on to better things. you will find love again, even though it seems like hell right now.
    "Seeing the landscape at this superficial level only captures its boring uniformity, not allowing you to immerse yourself in the spirit of the place; for that you must stop at least several days."

    ~Che Guevara, "The Motorcycle Diaries"

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    God/dess NinaDaisy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    My ex's sister was severely bipolar. If he doesn't want help or if he's still having violent mood swings even if he's claiming to take his meds, you can't stay. You just can't. You can't let him drag you into his hell, especially after you've had a miscarriage.

    Yeah, you'll probably be bored shitless in the suburbs with your mom, but it sounds a lot better than what you're dealing with now. Get away from the chaos that's surrounding you now.
    "She has written so well, and marvellously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer...But this girl, who is to my knowledge very unpleasant and we might even say a high-grade bitch, can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers"

    Ernest Hemingway on writer, aviation pioneer and horse trainer Beryl Markham


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    Veteran Member stripperMBA's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Quote Originally Posted by Magdalena_666
    He has kicked in the front door of our apartment, punched holes in walls, cut himself all over his arms, goes into rages like I have never seem a human go into before, and I have to deal with this everyday, not them. t helping and I'm really scared that when he wakes up he is going to go into a rage. if that happens I have to call 911 and he will have to go back to the mental hospital because I can't handle anything else right now. . .
    He could hurt you or kill you in one of his rages. Please get out of there now!! Do you have any large male or female friends that you can call over to help you move?? You have done more than the average person would do to help someone. But you can not save someone from the depths of insanity. If your boyfriend has gone into rages then he is already at the point where he could hurt or kill someone and end up in jail. So if he had to go the the mental hospital before that it may be just the thing he needs to save him from jail. Please leave before you become another statistic of violence against women commited by a boyfriend or husband.
    "Can we read it on the Smoking Gun? "

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Yes Magdalena, get out of there asap! He sounds dangerous.

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    Senior Member CC_Mist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I wish that there was something I could say to make you feel better. I usually do not like to tell anyone to break up a relationship. But you need to get out of this relationship. I know it would be a pain to go live with your mom and not have a car, but it really would be the best thing for you. You need lots of emotional support right now. It does not sound like he is giving you any kind of support. Maybe he is not capable to provide you with the love you deserve since he is suffering from a mental illness. Most people do not get better when they are suffering from a mental illness unless they work at trying to get better. He is not trying. Please get out of this relationship and take the time to work on yourself. I don't know what area you live in, but where I live they have programs through the county where you can get free or very cheap counseling. Please feel free to PM and I will try to get some information for you. Take care and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  19. #19
    Senior Member HoneyHITZmore's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    sweetie, i am here for you, if you need ANYTHING, i dont care what time it is, i will be here-- i've got my phone near me 24/7, so please dont hesitate if theres anything i can do.... i can't believe he would do something like this to you-- bipolar or not
    Check out my Blog!! www.RandiRisque.blogspot.com

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    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    I'm leaving him. It's done, over. When someone cheats on me that's it. I would never stay with a cheater. I will put up with a lot, but not cheating. I thought I could help him and tried to be a loving partner and stick by him. I never thought of abandoning him because of his illness. I was willing to try and help him. He fucked up and he know's it. He is probably going to regret this for the rest of his life. The thing is, he is the LAST person I would have ever expected to have cheated on me.
    He seemed so loyal and like his world revolved around me.

    Since I have been with him he has lost 5 jobs in 6 months. He can't do everyday chores like clean up or mail bills. It's like he's a child and I had to 'mother' him.
    Maybe that's why he want's an ''older woman''. So they can do all of his bullshit for him.
    And that claim that he 'wont let you down in bed'
    BULLSHIT!!
    I'm sorry but he is one delusional and arrogant prick for thinking that. And to think I tried to love the fact that he had a small penis even though I was disapointed by it's lack of both width and girth because I loved him.

    I feel so much anger right now. I go back and forth from one emotion to the other.
    Sadness, anger, hurt, feeling scared.

    He was into drugs heavily when we met. I made him quit everything but i have no doubt that when he returns to california he is going to do every drug he can get his hands on. Which really isn't going to help his condition.
    He was also diagnosed 'schizo effective disorder'.
    So does anyone know how quickly Bipolar progresses once it starts?
    I wonder if he's going to end up one of those crazy homeless people wondering the streets talking to themselves( 70% of which has schizophenia or bipolar) ? Which makes me sad because he is sick and he didn't used to be like this. I hope he get's help, but I just don't see that happening.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  21. #21
    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    My mom just found out that he has ANOTHER ad on craigslist. Unbelievable. She's trying to track it down through the number right now. This is sick. I don't even know if I want to see what other sick, perverse shit he is really into. I have been sharing my bed with a monster. My god, I can't believe I was one of those 'clueless' girls. I guess everything's coming out now.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  22. #22
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Sounds like this guy is a whole lot of drama you could do without!

    It's a hard way to learn. Wallow in grief for now - you deserve it. Just be sure not to let it cloud your eyes that the world is like this all the time.

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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Mags, if ya need to talk...I'm around.

  24. #24
    Featured Member Magdalena_666's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    Thanks for all the replys. It really helps to have so many symapathtic, supportive people to talk to.
    No, he has never touched me or hurt me. He just breaks things, throws things, or purches the walls. I really don't think he would ever lay a hand on me and if he did I would call the cops.
    I guess it is scary that his mental illness causes him to do things and then not remember doing them. That makes me think he could go in some sort of crazed state and hurt me and not even realize he's doing it. Or remember what he has done afterwords. I just got chills writing that because that is such a scary thought. Insanity is really horrible because you don't know when the person is just going to lose it and you have no control over them when they do.


    'Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'
    T.S Eliot

    I believe you Dottie and you have my support






  25. #25
    Featured Member xbloodydewdropx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just when i thought my world couldn't fall apart anymore..

    it was really noble of you to help him in the beginning...it's one thing to stand by a loved one and help him or her, so long as that person is willing to take responsibility for his/her health. many people who are bipolar have successful love lives, but only when they manage their illnesses. however, if he will not or cannot help himself, and recognize the fact he has a problem, then there is nothing you can do except preserve your own sanity and move on. i suspect an ex of mine was bipolar...he did the frequent suicide attempts, had fluxtuating moods, and would isolate completely from me. he was never violent, except to himself. and he couldn't manage life, and blamed everyone else for everything bad that happened to him. i stood by at first, but then it hurt me so badly that i had to move on...i knew that it would be an endless cycle of ups and downs, and that he could be dead any day.

    at first, he seemed absolutely great, and, like your bf, you didn't see the illness and its true face for awhile. his true self might love you, but his sick self got in the way. also, a traumatic event can trigger bipolar episodes (manic or depressive), and they also occur at random. if he got a DX of schizoaffective, then he could be bipolar, part schizo, or have a bit of a personality disorder too. there's a web forum called http://www.crazyboards.org where all types of mental illness are discussed. i surfed it long ago when my ex went nuts, and they have info on all types of disorders. the pathological lying is disturbing too....a former friend of mine did that, and the lies made no sense, had no purpose. some people genuinely believe their lies, especially when mentally ill.

    unless he deals with his illness, there is a good chance he could end up on the streets, although it sounds like his mother won't let that happen. hopefully she won't enable him, but rather get him the help he needs.

    as for you, there are probably councelors that operate on a sliding scale, or offer crisis services for free, depending on your area. i think having someone professional to talk you through this would be very helpful. there are also hotlines available if you feel like you have to talk to someone now.

    take care, and absolve yourself of any guilt in this matter...if anything, you were a saint longer than most people would have been


    i'm also pissed his mom is trying to blame you. she's in denial, and if her son comes home to her, she's going to have to deal with it eventually, or it'll get worse, especially if he's going to start using drugs again. please know you did nothing wrong. you're also likely right about the mother-figure thing...he wants someone to take care of him so he doesn't have to face responsibility for his actions and his life.
    "Seeing the landscape at this superficial level only captures its boring uniformity, not allowing you to immerse yourself in the spirit of the place; for that you must stop at least several days."

    ~Che Guevara, "The Motorcycle Diaries"

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