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Thread: Custy dilema

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    Default Custy dilema

    Hello All,

    I will try to keep this brief, but really need some advise. I am married, mid 30's. I went to a club here in Toronto with some co-workers, and became drawn to a really pretty lady. (I almost never go to clubs, but this was "boys night out".) My attraction wasn't sexual, it was really strange. I watched her for a while and she looked sweet and very feminine. It's none of my business why people get into the biz, but I knew I wanted to tap into the mystery. I initially paid for 3 dances, but talked for 1. It was being as polite as I could, and actually felt awkward having her dance. Although she was really good, she looked odd in the midst of it all. I came back a couple days later feeling awkward as it was, and paid for a few dances so we could talk. It seemed to go well, and she seemed to be more comfortable. I felt silly, but finally I told her exactly what I observed, and I could explain. Instead of running away, or getting the doorman, or laughing, she said "awwwww, that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me for a while." After a few weeks SHE asked me if I wanted to go for coffee accross from the club. We talked until nearly 5AM. My wife is good about not yelling too much, and trusts me since I am not out late without reason or alibies.
    She has since told me lots about her, her son, her life, and likewise. We have developed a really good friendship. She knows I am married, there has been no physical contact except the hello-good-bye hugs, and pecks. The dilema is...
    She recently told me I am "The safest place she has ever been." In a conversation, she told me she "is glad she can confide in me", and said I am someone she looks forward to seeing, because I am like "an island" to her.
    I really care for her, and am honoured she trusts me, and I am super good at keeping secrets (I could bring down KINGDOMS with what I know heeheehee), and I honestly feel the same about her. How do I protect her? How can I keep her safe as well as her feelings? We have lots in common, but she knows I am happily married. I am tough enough because of my own past to detach my feelings if need be, but I am worried about her. She's like a little Bambi to me and I feel I am getting to care too much and vice-versa.
    Any advise???????

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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Sounds like you are emotional cheating, dude. That sounds really gay but it can get you in the same hot water as actual cheating. My advice is if you care about your marriage you have to break it off. Otherwise, venture at your own peril.

    Also, is it really worth jeopardizing your marriage for someone who might or might not (my money is on might not) sleep with you? Sounds like a really bad idea to be sneaking around and staying out until 5a.m. with another woman.

    Sorry for the jolt of reality. Just tell her that you're married and can't spend time with her.

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by maple34
    She recently told me I am "The safest place she has ever been." In a conversation, she told me she "is glad she can confide in me", and said I am someone she looks forward to seeing, because I am like "an island" to her.
    I really care for her, and am honoured she trusts me, and I am super good at keeping secrets (I could bring down KINGDOMS with what I know heeheehee), and I honestly feel the same about her. How do I protect her? How can I keep her safe as well as her feelings? We have lots in common, but she knows I am happily married. I am tough enough because of my own past to detach my feelings if need be, but I am worried about her. She's like a little Bambi to me and I feel I am getting to care too much and vice-versa.
    Any advise???????


    My advice is, take your wife out to a nice dinner and a romantic evening. And next time it is boy's night out, go to a different club.

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    Senior Member evh1980's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I don't want to get preachy ... but, I think this is a fair question, given the situation (hopefully it doesn't come off as rude).

    What made you say 'yes' when she asked you out for coffee? Moreover - why did you even go back to see her, specifically, in the first place?

    I'm afraid I have to agree with SC here, if this isn't already a bad situation (I believe it is), it will become so if you keep things up. However platonic this other womans' intentions may or may not be, to me, I question your intent in following through with her invitation, and see that as a catalyst for a really messy situation at home...

    If I were you, I'd back away, tell her why, and also do a bit of soul-searching to figure out why I was drawn away from my wife in the first place.

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    Veteran Member casaubon1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I'm not sure this even belongs on the pink side (Mods?), but I will join the chorus. It sounds to me like you are on a path that will be very destructive for your marriage. If you want the marriage to last, get out of this infatuation and get back with your wife.

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    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    whoa....as the old cowboy would say. I do appreciate the advice and up frontedness of the replies, but I just want to clarify a couple of things.

    I agree with SC dude in hindsight about "emotional cheating", but I have no intention and desire to have sex with her. I agree though I probably should not give the emotional support to the level I have. This is NOT about sex, This is not about having an affair, and my wife is queen to me. This is the fact I feel bad that someone who seems to have as much emotional baggage as she does, that I don't want to hurt her more. My attraction to her would be the same as a lost puppy, (and trust me, for those who would say "she's not a puppy though", I would much much sooner adopt a a puppy than a person, but that's another subject) and I am glad she feels safe around me.
    My wife is aware I went to a strip club. It is a rare occurance for me. She knows I am the type who would go out in the middle of the night to help someone, and she will testify the p[hone HAS rung at 4AM.

    My dilema is, how can I help her? I do not understand your world, and this is why I came here.

    I really appreciate the replies though, and certainly have a new respect for the problems in the indusrty.

    On THAT note...back to the original question...How do I help her?

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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I can say, too, dude, as someone who is engaged to a dancer, this would bug me from the other side. Get out of this. Quick like. Before it really does go wrong. Remember, custys are vulnerable, too. Sometimes moreso than the dancers. Run.

    Siber
    "Maybe you'll ask me to come back again and
    Maybe I'll say.... Maybe"

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    Featured Member WiseGuy_TX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by maple34
    On THAT note...back to the original question...How do I help her?
    ....so far you seem to be ignoring the forum advice generally saying "drop it and work on your marriage". But lets go down the other path and see where it goes. Please help me/us understand a few things.

    1)"What help did she say (in her own words not yours) she needed?".
    2)"How do I protect her? How can I keep her safe as well as her feelings?" - Why does she need (help)protection as well as her feelings?
    3) Grasshopper, read more forum threads, ignore the stripper aspect, and gain insight into the minds of women. Women will post a thread about an issue looking for validation from other women. Women will say how irritating it is when guys dont validate their feelings but instead the guys try to "fix the problem". I recommend. stop trying to "fix the problem" you perceive. In stripper lingo, stop thinking about saving her.

    Over two-thirds of the women/friends in my life "need fix'in" but i've learned to love'm for who they are and have somewhat healthy relationships.
    "Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip-club? He smells like sweat and fear." - Lois and Stewie (Family Guy) ... "Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see..."

  9. #9
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by maple34
    This is NOT about sex...I am glad she feels safe around me.
    Good grief. You're working hard to stress a division between emotional and physical connectedness. That's a straw man, man. Eventually your paternal/pet owner feelings for her will lead you in the direction of a physical relationship. At that point, you'll be "cheating" under the conventional definition. I happen to agree with the others here who've pointed out you're already cheating on your wife by having an intimate emotional relationship with another woman.

    Tell you what, bring the chick to the house. Make her a joint project for you and your darling wife. Now if you're unwilling to do that, if you're intent on keeping this a "friend" a secret, then I think we all know what's really going on here. Be honest with yourself, dude.

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    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    While I reiterate the appreciation for all the advice, I must again reiteriate, I do not think with my little head. I get plenty at home thanks for asking..dude. Perhaps this is why I don't do the club thing. I would be the same if she was a 300lb. wrestler. It just so happened she is a 115lb dancer, and it so happened I met her at a club, in a rare change of usual hangouts. It's about helping someone out. It is hard to get to know ones intentions in a forum, as you cannot get to know an individual by a few typed words here. I am not nieve to the world, and have a better understanding of the Adult business that one may think since I grew up in the SFV of L.A. and let's just say I have a family member in it. I do not need to feel like a big man by making friends with an entertainer. There are people in the world who care about a person past thier t and a, and I am one. Perhaps my mistake is caring at all. Everything in the world does not require an alterior motive. Perhaps we would all get along better if we just took time to listen and stop being so tough. Either way, I do take heed to what I am told by the members here, and have taken heed to many examples.

    Thanks
    Last edited by maple34; 08-30-2006 at 07:52 AM. Reason: left out word

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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I dont know, sounds to me like you want to bone her and refuse to admit it to yourself. Let me throw this out there also, do you think there is any chance at all that her feelings towards you may be less than genuine? Perhaps she pegged you as a "white knight" the second she saw you and has been working you ever since hoping that you would feel the need to "help and protect her" with some cold hard cash. It certainly wouldnt be the first time that this has happened in a strip club. Listen to everyone here and back away, concentrate on your wife, its the best answer for everyone involved.

  12. #12
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by maple34
    There are people in the world who care about a person past thier t and a, and I am one.
    Do we need a new Pope yet? I think we have a candidate.

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    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I give up... I suppose I cannot get it through...
    A) There is no problem with my marriage
    B) I am not interested in sex ..I get plenty...see A)
    C) Money??Me? Look in my profile at what job I have, and where..hee hee, now THAT'S funny
    D) White Knight (I have been to St. Petersburg, that is quite a phenominon). Hardly, but maybe she see that.

    As I have said, I agree with 76.3% of you guys, and you're right. I suppose she's not worth the effort.



    I am learning a lot here though.
    By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only,
    Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
    On a black throne reigns upright,
    I have reached these lands but newly
    From an ultimate dim Thule-
    From a wild clime that lieth, sublime,
    Out of SPACE- out of TIME.

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    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    PS, Thanks for the Papal nomination, but I'm Jewish.
    By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only,
    Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
    On a black throne reigns upright,
    I have reached these lands but newly
    From an ultimate dim Thule-
    From a wild clime that lieth, sublime,
    Out of SPACE- out of TIME.

  15. #15
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    About time we had a Jewish pope! <Jewish here, too.> Sorry we've been rough on you, maple. It's only because we're scary wise on this topic and you're self deluded. <G> Welcome to the SW, by the by. Fantastic place, actually.

  16. #16
    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I like it here. I like straight shooting, so I think I'll hang around here for a bit, instead of the clubs! You guys and gals are alright.

    You know, a Jewish pope means A LOT more holidays off and seals up all the conspriacy theories!
    By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only,
    Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
    On a black throne reigns upright,
    I have reached these lands but newly
    From an ultimate dim Thule-
    From a wild clime that lieth, sublime,
    Out of SPACE- out of TIME.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    You have commited yourself to another woman - if you cannot talk to your wife about this topic its probably wrong even if you want to bone her or not . Put the shoe on the other foot , how would you react to your wife saving a male dancer ?

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    On the "original question" - what exactly does she need help with? Like, you might find better answers if you had somewhere to target these impulses (another reason probably most people here find it hard to believe that "boning her" has never entered your head. Because when guys want to get involved in girls' lives in these vague and undefined ways, usually sex and sexual attraction has SOMETHING to do with it). Like - what, she needs someone to pay her tuition? (By the way - anyone who wants to pay MY tuition - please email. I'm small and helpless. I swear.) She needs someone to help her move? (By the way - anyone wants to help ME move.... ) She needs a referral to a podiatrist? (I don't even need a podiatrist, so that was wholly without agenda). What problems does she have that you think you can help with, without involving your wife?

    If she is truly just a friend, then she can meet your wife and you can be a nice, avuncular friend (who has, in the past paid her to take off her clothes and let you touch her).

    Like, bambi or not, it doesn't sound like she is in trouble or helpless.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    I'll say it again. No one, no one, goes into a SC without a need. You seem to think that sex is the only need. You get plenty? Ok. Fine. Good. I believe you. But you seem to need something from this dancer that you aren't getting from your wife. Yes?

    I am with Curious J. Tell your wife. If you can, great. You don't need us. If you can't, dude, run. Or get a divorce.

    I am also with Jenny. This woman is not helpless. At all. Really. Why do you think she is? Cuz she weighs in at 115? That doesn't mean anything.

    Dude, I don't care if you stay married or not. Maybe your wife is your soulmate, maybe not. But don't lie to yourself, and don't make these mistakes in SCs:

    They are all helpless cuz they small, you are always more powerful than them cuz you're bigger/richer and.....................

    it's always about sex. actually, maple, it is often not about sex.

    Siber
    "Maybe you'll ask me to come back again and
    Maybe I'll say.... Maybe"

  20. #20
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by Siber
    It is often not about sex.

    Siber
    That should be a bumper sticker or a t-shirt.

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    seconding some of the comments above, why do you think she needs your help? That's the comment in your original post that made me want to bang my head against the wall, btw.

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    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Siber..Any relate to Siberia? (Been there...very beautiful)


    Quote Originally Posted by Siber
    I'll say it again. No one, no one, goes into a SC without a need. You seem to think that sex is the only need. You get plenty? Ok. Fine. Good. I believe you. But you seem to need something from this dancer that you aren't getting from your wife. Yes? Siber
    I went there for a beer. It was the only place open near my work

    Quote Originally Posted by Siber
    I am also with Jenny. This woman is not helpless. At all. Really. Why do you think she is? Cuz she weighs in at 115? That doesn't mean anything.
    Siber
    my wife weighs 125..I am 235. BELEIVE me,I am scared. Tiny is mighty.

    Quote Originally Posted by Siber
    They are all helpless cuz they small, you are always more powerful than them cuz you're bigger/richer and.....................
    Siber
    If you read my earlier reply..read my profile, see my job, where I work, and who I work for. I drive a 1992 Pontiac...She makes more in a night than I make in a week.


    I just went in for a beeeeeer!!!!!!
    By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only,
    Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
    On a black throne reigns upright,
    I have reached these lands but newly
    From an ultimate dim Thule-
    From a wild clime that lieth, sublime,
    Out of SPACE- out of TIME.

  23. #23
    Member maple34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by dlabtot
    original post that made me want to bang my head against the wall, btw.

    Welcome to my world here the last 24 hours

    She has been talking my ear off. I am just trying to listen and give advice...

    I only went in for a beer!!!!!!
    By a route obscure and lonely,
    Haunted by ill angels only,
    Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
    On a black throne reigns upright,
    I have reached these lands but newly
    From an ultimate dim Thule-
    From a wild clime that lieth, sublime,
    Out of SPACE- out of TIME.

  24. #24
    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Quote Originally Posted by maple34
    She has been talking my ear off. I am just trying to listen and give advice...
    Ok, maybe I was wrong when I originally told you to take your wife out to a romantic dinner, and to forget about this girl.

    Instead, continue to hide this from your wife, and make repeated regular visits to the club to see her. Everyone needs money, so be sure to spend liberally on her while you are there. Spend day and night thinking about her and how to help her. And give her the best advice you can.

    Do you like that advice better?

  25. #25
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Custy dilema

    Sounds like you need a restraining order against this dancer. She, like your hell-cat wife, obviously wants your hot, hot bod! If I were you, I'd change my phone numbers and consider moving out of state for a few years.

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