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Thread: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

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    Default A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    I will start with one of my favorite blonde jokes...btw I love blondes and yes, they are intelligent..<----- I love all kinds of woman~


    The blonde and the lawyer

    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
    from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
    game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
    declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
    lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
    fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
    the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
    declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
    says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
    if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
    catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
    end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
    the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
    into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
    lawyer.

    Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
    up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
    lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
    his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
    modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
    answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
    coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
    hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back
    to get some more sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
    and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde
    reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
    sleep.

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A man, his Harley, meet the parents.

    This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day
    he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the
    dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells
    him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his
    new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to
    do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome
    before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays
    for the bike and leaves.

    A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
    love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
    dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed
    time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her
    parent’s house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have
    a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must
    do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence
    waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck
    doing the dishes.

    After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed
    things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of
    her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand
    under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a
    word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her
    in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting
    desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
    They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is
    thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
    His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
    gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
    Vaseline. The father says, "Okay, okay, I'll do the dishes!"

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    Little Johnny's Christmas cussing present.

    Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting
    tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink
    said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what
    he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his
    wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or
    gifts he requests."


    Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he
    wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right
    beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a
    damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I
    want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."


    Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a
    pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw
    another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked
    outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When
    Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his
    dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
    Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-
    a-bitch!"

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A man is sitting in a diner eating his dinner when a hired assassin sits down on the stool next to him. "What's in the long case?" the man asks. "That's my high-powered rifle. I'm an assassin." "Wow", says the man, "Can I have a look through your scope? I think I can see my house from here." The assassin agrees and the man looks through the scope into his bedroom window where he sees his naked wife and his neighbor. "That bastard!", says the man. "How much to you charge for a hit?" "I have a flat rate of 1000 per shot" said the assassin. The man agrees to give 2 grand to shoot the wife in the head and the neighbor in his dick. The assassin takes aim through the scope and waits. "What's taking so long?" asks the man. "Hang on a second. I think I can save you a grand."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A six year old boy walks into a bathroom and catches his father with a rubber. He says
    "Dad, what are you doing?"

    Flustered the father says
    "I am um...uh...catching a mouse."

    The little boy says
    "What are you gonna do when you catch it, fuck it?"

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    Difference between potentially and realistically...


    Young boy goes up to his dad and asks " dad what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" Dad thinks for a moment and tells the son to do a little research to reveal the answer. He tells his son to do the following:
    1) Ask your mom if she would sleep with Richard Gere for a million bucks.
    2) Ask your sister the same about Brad Pit.
    3) Finally ask your older brother about Sylvester Stallone.
    The young son follows dad's instructions and starts with mom. "Mom? Would you sleep with Richard Gere for a million bucks?" Mom's reply... "Are you kidding me? Of course I would!!! He is the hottest guy out there!!!"
    Then he moves on to his older sister. "Sis? Would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" Sis replies... "Oh my God! I would do it for FREE not along a million bucks! Brad Pit is a HUNK!!!"
    Finally he approaches his older brother... "Hey Bro? Would you sleep with Sylvester Stalone for a million bucks?" The brother's intial reaction was "HELL NO"...then moments later changes his mind and says "Damn, a million bucks is a lot of money though, the shit I could buy with that... I'd actually give it some serious thought!"
    After 3 days the dad approaches his youngest son and asks him if he ever found the answer to his question. The son replies "I think so". Dad asks "and what is it you came up with?"
    Son replies..."Well... POTENTIALLY we're sitting on 3 million dollars.... REALISTICALLY... we're living with 2 sluts and a faggot!!!"

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye."

    The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye.

    The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house."

    The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out."

    The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all over the bartender who laughs again.

    The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet."

    The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you laugh."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    During a well check visit, a pediatrician asked his six-year-old patient, Billy, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation:

    "Billy, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

    "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

    "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

    "Well," said Billy, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    This one is hilarious...

    Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

    "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady laying ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me,so you must be on the 6th hole."

    He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you 're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

    He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

    "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

    "No, I won't," he replied.

    "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

    With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

    "See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

    "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied."I'm a salesman for Preparation-H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    MARRIAGE TEST

    was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts,
    and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near
    me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
    wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
    that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
    told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
    and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
    couldn't say a word.

    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
    fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
    watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her
    panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
    then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the
    door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
    happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man
    for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
    _________________

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A mother was working in the kitchen listening
    to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric
    train in the living room.

    She heard the train stop
    and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who
    want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the
    last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
    getting on, get your asses in the train...cause
    we're going down the tracks."

    The horrified mother went in and told her son,
    "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
    Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
    stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may
    play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
    resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
    and the mother heard her son say...

    "All passengers, please remember your things,
    thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
    hope you will ride with us again soon."

    She heard her little darling continue..."For
    those of you just boarding, remember, there is no
    smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
    pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added,
    "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
    HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    For you tech nerds...lol

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

    Thanks,

    A Troubled User.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    REPLY:

    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

    However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    Best of luck,

    Tech Support

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    "The one hundred dollar tattoo"



    Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
    hell have you been?"
    Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
    "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"
    "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

    "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain.
    "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on
    h is privates?"

    Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
    play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,
    lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
    and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A married Irishman went into the confessional
    and said to his priest,
    "I almost had an affair with another woman.

    "The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

    The Irishman said,
    "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

    The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
    You're not to see that woman again.
    For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
    and then walked over to the poor box.
    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
    "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

    The Irishman replied, "Yes father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
    and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.
    ________

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    Smart Old Man


    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
    evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler
    he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
    and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you
    understand, I want something very special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
    another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
    jeweler said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
    excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
    by cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll
    write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
    I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

    "There's no money in that account."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had
    with her?".

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    Another blonde but brilliant joke.

    Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman
    came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each
    other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I
    lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
    The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to
    draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of
    it wrote 710.
    He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked,
    "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's
    right there."
    Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

    _________________

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    Superman and Wonderwoman

    Superman is out flying around Metropolis one day, when he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing on the roof of a tall building. She's completely naked, spread eagle.

    He says to himself, "mmm, I've always wanted a piece of that."

    He gets to thinking, "Maybe if I fly down really fast and use my superspeed and zip away, she won't even know what happened."

    Finally he decides to go for it. After flying around a bit and getting just the right angle, he zooms down, does his business, and flies away in the blink of an eye.

    Wonder Woman jumps up in shock, and says, "What in the hell was that!?"

    The Invisible Man jumps up and says, "I have no idea, but my ass is killing me!"

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A kindergarden class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and to relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class and made a small dot on the black board. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

    "It's a period," said the boy.
    "what's a so exciting about a period?" she asked.

    "Damned if i know," said the boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and th eman next door shot himself.

    courtesy of playboy magazine may 06

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    All Jokes can be found on other forums...filtered out the jokes, I think were funny.

    Ladies and gentlemen please add some to your likings.

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    SON OF A BITCH!


    Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
    Priest: "What have you done my child?"
    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
    Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
    Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
    Girl: "Yes father."
    Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
    Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
    Girl: "Yes father."
    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
    Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
    Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
    Girl: "Yes father."
    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
    Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
    Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
    Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
    Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
    Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
    Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

  23. #23
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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    How A Xmas Tradition Began

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

    Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

    Frustrated, Santa went into the house of a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

    In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

    Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.

    The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?

    And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.

  24. #24
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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    ^ ha ha ha ha ha...funny! I always wondered why an angel is always on top.

  25. #25
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: A little laugh goes a long way...JOKES

    A young Catholic man took his vows and became a monk, and was assigned to a remote monastery in the mountains. The senior monk showed him around and explained that at that monastery, the monks spent all their days writing out copies by hand of all the holy texts. So the young monk settled down to work.

    After a few days, he noticed that the book he was copying was itself a copy. He brought this up to the senior monk, who explained, "Yes, the originals are stored deep underground for safety. No one has seen them for centuries." The young monk protested, "But if there was a flaw in one of these copies, then that flaw is getting into all the other copies too. We should check our copies against the originals, just to make sure."

    "There are no mistakes in our copies," said the senior monk, "but if it will ease your mind, I will go into the cellar and check them." He took the copies and descended the stairs while the young monk waited.

    Hours passed. It began to grow dark outside. More hours passed, and still the elderly monk did not return. Concerned, the young monk climbed down the long stairs, only to find the old monk hunched over a very old book, sobbing as though his heart were breaking.

    "Father!" exclaimed the young monk. "What is the matter?"

    "The word," came back the elderly monk's sobbing reply, "is CELEBRATE!"

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