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Thread: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    I just realized that my aunt has borderline personality disorder. Frequent mood swings, frequent anger, extreme sensitivity and quick to feel accused, "I'm mad, guess why, " games where she expects people to be psychic, a need to feel in control, and feeling entitled to take her shit out on others are signs that I'm seeing, as well as many others. She's addicted to self help books, which she preaches but never practices, always wanting to look like an expert.

    Anyone have any advice on how to deal with her? She's never gong to go to a shrink b/c she's the type who's addicted to self help books and claims that she's changed so much from what she used to be and all that bullshit/

    My boyfriend comes over. She came home about an hour later to find him parked in her spot. Rather than tell him how she feels, she waits for 3 hours when he's leaving and she's about to go to bed and makes a sarcastic comment on how he's going to get out of the driveway. She's in cold war mode. Boyfriend senses this, apologizes, says good night, and leaves rather than face this shit storm. The next time he came over, he stayed quiet and reserved out of fear that he'd trigger another of her tempers. She interprets his walking on eggshells as aloof and unwilling to make conversation, thus rude. I asked her why she couldn't just ask him to move his truck, or to try to make conversation herself. She's the victim and he's a jerk, of course. My boyfriend refuses to come over anymore, can't blame him.

    Today, I had to pick my boyfriend up from the airport. I also had to vacuum the house. His flight was changed to an earlier time, so I called her up and asked if we could switch it, and if we could, I'd be glad to offer recompensations like money or extra chores. She screams that it's my responsibility, and that I'm being pushy and just throwing money at people to do things for me like a spoiled brat. Uh... what if I had called up and said, "Can't vacuum today, sorry?"

    I try to talk about her irrational blowups and entitlement to shit on people, she simply pulls the, "I'm too mature to fight an argument that's unresolvable, " and acts cloyingly sweet after her victory, like poisoned honey. I'm reminded of a 2 year old who claims that it's quiet time when you're trying to reprimand her.

    She asks me to go to the store for her coffee creamer. They didn't have it. She screams that she's goign to the store and if they have it, she's going to be VERY ANGRY. She walks to the store, sees that they didn't have it, walks back, and is very sweet and apologetic. A week later, when she picked something up for me, I asked for the receipt so I could return it. She screams, "Fine, I can't do anything right!"

    I've also figured out that her relationship with her husband is simultaneously an Oedipus and an Electra Complex. He grew up with a dysfunctional family with very insensible women (eg his mom was a hypochondriac who freaked out at having every obscure disease yet never did anything about the cancerous growth the size of an egg on her face, his sister has a string of failed businesses), so he's used to being a paternal, persuasive voice of reason amongst older women. My aunt is a needy nutcase who he can talk sense into, and looks down on her b/c that's how he's grown up with women. He'll actually tell people, "She's very childish, just try to appease to her and keep the peace."

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    move. Seriously. There is no dealing with her until she gets some meds. Let hubby deal with her.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    I'm looking into it. Until then, I'm the only one who doesn't have equality or power over her.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Nothing you can do, then. Personally, i'd bolt like a Tyrannosaur with rabies was eyeing me. Dealing with that will just drive you nuts too. I have someone in my family like that, i no longer talk to her.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    What happens to these kind of people? She's found a man who takes pleasure from being her daddyhusband.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Yep. He's as crazy as she is if he wants to deal with that crap.

    As for what happens, any number of things. A lot of them die as a result of crazy shit they do because of their illness (or because they push the wrong person). A great many wind up on sidewalks picking up loose change and sleeping in trashcans.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Like I said, I'm amazed that I've found a simultaneous Oedipus and Electra complex in him. I will shoot myself if I ever find myself with a daddyhusband who is my bungee cord to reality while I let my raging emotions run my life and feel entitled to shit on others. If I'm too senseless to shoot myself at that point, please shoot me.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Yeah, just get out. Nothing you can do with someone like that - you can never get anywhere with them. Let the husband deal with it; he obviously wants to. She will just be more and more of a drain on you if you stay around.

    People like that often wind up on the street because they alienate basically everyone and won't accept appropriate help. But, no use making yourself miserable over it.

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    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    OMFGOMFGOMFG that's JUST like my mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



    Tough situation... Hoo boy is that a tough situation. Get out when you can, and just explain discreetly to people how she can behave sometimes, and to not take it personally. Just deflect that shit. She'll be blaming you or whoever she can get her hands on for everything, and nothing you say will make her happy. If she's not violent, just humor her.

    Until you can leave. I'm glad I finally did.

    Now mine attempted suicide the other day in MX (I was in the US), and when I called her at her hospital, she was blaming me. Jesucristo

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    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridgette
    they alienate basically everyone and won't accept appropriate help. But, no use making yourself miserable over it.
    I'm having an "I relate" orgasm over here!

    It's been sooooo hard to pinpoint exactly what's crazy about my mom but I'm experiencing enlightenment.

    Now that I've dropped all responsibility over her, I only maintain light contact, and keep it brief. You can still talk to her, but rarely and about light subjects.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    My uncle talked some sense into her, and she's in better spirits now. It's sick how much of a father he is to her, but one of his gifts is being able to talk sense into stupid women, and it would be a waste if he had married a sensible woman.

    Being around her is like walking on an old minefield. Just when you assume everything's ok, BOOM. She interprets people as being accusing and controlling, and doesn't realize how uncomfortable she makes people feel by taking her shit out on others. Yeah, she always excuses her episodes (not that she it as being wrong in he first place) with justifications of "how much she's changed" and these new schools of thoughts she's using and how I should go along with them.

    Thanks for your support guys. It's really hard, and it really pisses me off how she's driven off someone I love, and it really pisses me off how she keeps excusing herself. Sigh. I can't wait to get my degree and get out.

    I talked to my dad today (he's her younger brother). He told me that she does have issues and very little inhibition about dragging others through her shit, and that I have the short end of the stick b/c I'm the only one in the house who's under her. that made me feel a bit better.

    You know what's really sad? Growing up, I actually though that women were stupid, insensible, enslaved to their raging emotions, and that men were the voices of reason in women's lives. This was due to growing up with my mom who has severe issues of every sort and my aunt who has borderline. It wasn't until I dated a guy with BPD and started meeting powerful women who knew what they wanted and thought about how their actions affect others that I learned how wrong I was. However, it's undeniable that more women have borderline than men b/c women are taught that it's ok to be a bitch and blame it on PMS, or that if people really care, then they can guess why you're mad. Men who are like that are considered pussies and such behavior is less common due to this discouragement.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    My Mom has this and I find it's best to NEVER to take what she says personally. Take breaks from her so she has to accept you have other people and activities to attend to. When she yells, try to speak calmly but firmly and point out the crazytalk for the hyper-reaction it is. I make fun of my Mom's manipulations and go on with my day. My boyfriend does as well (he's had the misfortune of witnessing a scene or two). Mind you, I've moved in and out and faaar away from her repeatedly so she may be more accustomed to "my abandonment" than your aunt will be.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Plant seeds. Lead her in the right direction. Show her this website:



    Borderline Personality Disorder is a very serious condition, and it requires a serious dedication on the part of the sufferer in order to recover, but it can be done. She needs people around her who set boundaries and do not enable. She needs people who are willing to work with her to untwist her own thinking and behaviors. It takes a very strong and willing person to help a borderline. If you aren't completely aware and mentally healthy, the borderline will bring you down with them. It is not done consciously, the borderline is honestly unaware of their abusive patterns, but that doesn't make it any less of a pain in the butt to deal with.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    What would people have done to a borderline personality 200 years ago? Would they have put up with that deranged bullshit? My best friend growing up is like that. I had to drop her eventually. There was no way I could win, and I was sick of being treated like crap. I have very little sympathy, sorry....

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine
    What would people have done to a borderline personality 200 years ago? Would they have put up with that deranged bullshit?
    What does this have to do with anything? You could say this about any personality disorder. It seems to be assuming.

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine
    My best friend growing up is like that. I had to drop her eventually. There was no way I could win, and I was sick of being treated like crap.
    If you do plant seeds, and the person doesn't respond, eventually you have to throw in the towel in order to protect yourself. Some can stay around longer with no effects, others can't.

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine
    I have very little sympathy, sorry....
    That's your stuff, and something you might want to consider working on.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    I *have* BPD. I was miserable and wanted to find a name for why I was so miserable, so I looked online. I tried going to therapists, but it just didn't FEEL right. So I started doing yoga and meditation, posting my feelings in my livejournal, little things like that. The treatment for each person NEEDS to be different because people were driven to BPD for different reasons.

    Although, it certainly doesn't sound like your aunt is interested in finding her treatment. In fact, I have to wonder if she even *wants* to get better. I'm positive she knows that her behaviour is unacceptable, but it means that she gets catered to.

    I don't know whether or not this will be effective in your case, but, when I work with people who have this problem and they start ranting and raving, I look them square in the eye and say, very very calmly, but firmly, "Stop." and get up and walk away. They usually start yelling about me leaving and reply, in the same tone of voice, "When you stop throwing your temper tantrum, I'll come back." But make sure you DO come back. Otherwise, that defeats the purpose of letting them know that you won't pay attention to them when they're acting that way. It MUST be made EXCEEDINGLY clear that, when they behave properly, they get attention, but when they misbehave, they will be ignored.

    Don't assume that BPD sufferers think like adults. When I had a fit, I responded to the things a little kid responds to, as long as I'm not spoken to like a child.

    I hope this helped!
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    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine
    There was no way I could win, and I was sick of being treated like crap. I have very little sympathy, sorry....

    Um, sorry if we can't just forget people in our lives... My mom has BPD, and I love her and I know she loves me, so I have to at least stay around her enough to keep in touch. Venting about her personality disorder is human... It's gonna come around and piss me off eventually, but yeah. Wow.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by kittykat88
    Although, it certainly doesn't sound like your aunt is interested in finding her treatment. In fact, I have to wonder if she even *wants* to get better. I'm positive she knows that her behaviour is unacceptable, but it means that she gets catered to.
    DING! She will never go for help, as it's so much easier to be angry at everything. She does the whole Ann Coulter thing, dismissing anyone who disagrees with her as incompetent, or in her case, immature and in need of self help (pot, kettle, black). She's learned that a good temper tantrum will get her what she wants, and her husband daddys her. Lucky for her, he's not a slimy bastard who's trying to mold her into something, rather, he likes feeling needed yet he's mature enough not to get sucked into being a scratching post.

    Katrine, I do agree with you to a point. I despise people who don't take responsibility for their actions, rather justifying it or feeling entitled to it. It's not so much her episodes that bug me as the fact that she excuses herself for her tresspasses while acting like she's the mature one. I had BPD like symptoms for awhile (I was living with my bf, who was supporting me but constantly reminding me that I was indebted to him). I was a landmine due to feeling trapped and owned. Finally, I got away from him, am paying him back, and constantly self-analyze if I'm being unreasonable or childish. She does the exact same things that she accuses others of doing, and she's lucky that she married my uncle, becuase I doubt anyone else would put up with that shit.

    BPD is weird. It's not straight chemical imbalance like schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. A lot of it is socialized and nurture. Women are taught it's ok to blow up at everything but blame it on PMS. Women are better at being victims, as women are more commonly abused and given more leeway than men. Therefore, I also feel less sympathy for people who aren't doing their part of getting their shit together, as even though nature does do some of it, it's still not as uncontrollable on one's own as schizophrenia. Schizophrenic people can't help hearing voices in their heads, but BPDs can prevent screaming at people and playing baiting games for pity and attention and learn not to take their shit out on the nearest person.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by Krazyjane


    BPD is weird. It's not straight chemical imbalance like schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. A lot of it is socialized and nurture.....Schizophrenic people can't help hearing voices in their heads, but BPDs can prevent screaming at people and playing baiting games for pity and attention and learn not to take their shit out on the nearest person.
    Amen!

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by Krazyjane
    Schizophrenic people can't help hearing voices in their heads, but BPDs can prevent screaming at people and playing baiting games for pity and attention and learn not to take their shit out on the nearest person.
    These are learned behaviors, so it does take time to undo what has been done. But yes, they can and do, learn. It just takes dedication. BPD is a chronic form of PTSD, and there are chemical differences in the brain. It is not all behavioral. People with BPD experience triggers, where something you see in the present "triggers" a past traumatic event, and that causes the person to relive it, and have the same emotional reaction to it. They either act in or out as a release, by harming themselves or by harming others in some way. They hate themselves, and they may hate others who trigger certain feelings within. Alot of people with bpd know something is wrong with them, but don't know what. They are unaware that they are hurting others. It is a way that they learn to maladjust. Over time, the condition can be much improved, but usually only with the help of trained psychiatrists/psychotherapists, cbt/dbt, and a lot of positive support.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Shit, she's on the warpath tonight b/c I forgot her birthday. She's the kind of person who will tell you what she wants as a gift even if you don't ask her. I also forgot to tell her that I'd be vacuuming on Friday.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    ^*shrug* Sucks to be her then! She needs to learn to deal with real life. (And why the hell is she pissed off that you're gonna do what she was bitching you out for wanting ot not do last time? Sounds rather like she likes the sound of her own voice.)
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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Quote Originally Posted by Krazyjane
    Shit, she's on the warpath tonight b/c I forgot her birthday. She's the kind of person who will tell you what she wants as a gift even if you don't ask her.

    lol That's so borderline. They want so much attention.
    Quote Originally Posted by krazyjane

    I also forgot to tell her that I'd be vacuuming on Friday.
    Usually they won't care about this. She's looking for some supply! Put down your foot and don't give it to her.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    The good news is that my bf is getting his own place next week and has offered to let me crash for a couple days at a time if she's on the warpath, bless his heart.

    I did get her a $35 gift certificate for Amazon.com. Yeah, it doesn't compare to the $100 rent knockoff she gave me for my bday, and it didn't require much thought or effort, which I'm hoping she won't use against me.

    I love how she bitches about her mom was an abusive control freak, yet fails to acknowledge the fact that she is EXACTLY LIKE HER MOTHER.

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    Default Re: Living with a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer

    Get out of there as soon as possible! I just spent two weeks wih my Mom hoping this time would be a good visit. I got one good day before the acting out started! She insulted me on day two, tried to start a fight with me on day three, got jealous I went to dinner with my boyfriend on day four, charged me to visit then ate my food, got jealous of my weight, came into the guest room at 3am, as I slept, to do her bookeeping.... You get the picture. It's taken me four days to recover from emotional and nervous burnout!

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