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Thread: I want to be more assertive

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default I want to be more assertive

    After doing some thinking and reviewing events in recent years, I've realized that the one thing I hate about myself the most is my inability to stand up for myself. I tend to be unassertive and keep my opinions to myself just for the sake of looking "nice" or "polite." Sometimes I make politeness or pleasing others, a priority over pleasing myself! I've made some threads on this board before about issues in my personal life, and a lot of people here said that I have big unassertiveness issues, I'm a doormat, people use me, etc. Those words have really kinda hurt, but they are also the truth and honestly, I deserved to hear that criticism. This unassertiveness problem has affected many facets of my life in VERY negative ways: hustling in the strip club, getting passed over for raises/promotions at jobs, not being understood by my parents, getting cut off on the road by other cars, people invading my personal space, so-called "friends" using me for rides, the list goes on. I've found that the only time I can really voice my opinions or rightfully tell someone off, is if it is on the phone, on the computer, or shouting mean curse words at crappy drivers while I'm in my car because I know they can't hear me...basically I can't tell people stuff to their face.

    I really really want to become more assertive and start seizing my own life back from these assholes that either step all over me or neglect to look out for my best interests. How do I go about doing this? Should I "start small" as the very unassertive Mike Nobody told me to do, or should I say "fuck it" and all-at-once start demanding things back from the people who I've never been able to stand up to before? What is a good happy medium with assertiveness, and how do I go about finding this happy medium?(sometimes if I feel that I'm too unassertive, I'll go overboard and come off as an inappropriate asshole; a hypothetical example is stabbing someone who punched me last week) Also...should I ditch the "friends" who've taken slight advantage of my unassertiveness before and start fresh with a new group of friends?(i.e., people who don't know about my past weakness) Or, is it possible to change my ways and truly convince people that I'm a changed person? I do not want people to forever view me as a doormat just because I was a doormat when they first met me...is this likely to occur though?

    Thanks for all the replies. I really want to change this. It's my resolution for my 24th birthday.

  2. #2
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: I want to be more assertive

    Another problem that I have, related to my unassertiveness problem, is anger management. When I don't stand up for myself, I remember this for a while and stay angry about it(I don't always show it, though). I tend to be a grudge-holder. During the times that I stand up for myself and nip a problem in the butt at the time it occurs, I usually feel a big wash of relief and I tend not to hold grudges. There have been times in the past, where certain people have pissed me off over time to the point that when I finally reacted, it was not in the nicest of ways(such as beating up this one guy) and it actually got me in some legal trouble(and that's considering that I'm a "good" girl!). Any advice on this too?

  3. #3
    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to be more assertive

    I can't send a message to your inbox - was trying to.

  4. #4
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: I want to be more assertive

    Sorry, it's because my inbox is full. Let me delete some of those messages. Please try resending it in a few mins because I really want to hear what you have to say. I'm very open to advice because it's something I'd really like to change about myself.

  5. #5
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to be more assertive

    I think the most important thing to do is say what you feel needs to be said, to whom it needs to be said, when it needs to be said. I used to hold my tongue until the "right words" came, but found that it rarely ever happened when the necessary persons were around. While its better to say things nicely, I have to say that there are times when a hearty "fuck off" is all that is needed to feel better about the treatment you find yourself willing to receive.

    Make an agreement with yourself that when you feel that someone is taking advantage of you, belittling you, etc...to make a mention of it. Don't hold it in and stew about how pissed off you are. And, most importantly, when YOU stop treating yourself like shit, other people will stop as well. As important as it is to call other people on their behaviors that affect you...its just as important to be completely honest with yourself as to WHY you would even attract these people into your life. The law of attraction and the power of like attracting like.

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