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Thread: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

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    Tart
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    Default HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    a fucking nutcase.

    For the last week my boyfriend and I have been at odds. There has been this weird wall built up between us that we both realized was there, yet didn't talk about. Things had been going well up until a week n' a half ago when we had a rather large argument over cell phone use at dinner.

    Since then things have been strange, and hes been very short with me. To the point that the smallest shit sets him off. He isnt the shouting, or hitting type. more the stern fuck this shit im outta here type.

    So ive been walking on eggshells, yet Ive been sad and a bit weary since Im just waiting for him to go " i dont want to know you anymore ".

    Last night we went to dinner. We went downtown to a rather nice resturant and I wanted to take him out and just have a good evening. The food was fucking HORRIBLE. the blandest shit i've ever had the displeasure of paying for. When my food got there I made the remark that I wans't going to eat it and shoved it to the side. My otherhalf ate his and was offering up suggestions like " do you want them to send you another or something else " and I just was so pissed because it was now 10 pm and it was the first meal I had all day. I just wanted to leave asap and go somewhere else.

    In doing this, I ruined our evening. And sitting at a diner he didnt speak to me and just sorta stayed to himself. So out of no where I blurted out .. " its over". Because in myhead im thinking..he is so miserable with me. He's so over me ...just look at him. Its over.

    He didnt disagree. It was like " well we gave it our best. ". I wanted to die. I just did. Fuck me for saying the shit ,although I felt like it needed to be said. But still godamnit there I go again with fucking shit up! I can't ever not do that!

    eventually things were talked out and we stayed together, we woke up and had great sex...I went to drop him off at home and then come back to my apt to get ready for work and well shit hit the fan again. I opened my dumb ass mouth and let all my lil' insecurites out.

    I am scared. I am paranoid and I am sitting here waiting for him to go " god what am I doing with YOU ". So he got mad again. Or irritated I should say. And was like we just took steps backwards. So im sitting there crying being a hysterical mess. In my head going " I keep fucking up what is wrong with me".

    Eventually he gets out and goes inside his apt and i drive off. then it dawns on me. My self esteem and self worth is fucking this shit up. You know the saying you can't love someone else till you learn to love yourself. Well thats more then true. And not in the most obvious of ways either.

    I do not like me. I do not love me. In fact I hate me most of the time. I hate the fact I can't ever seem to pull shit together. that I constantly disappoint people..that I totally fall short.A couple of years ago I totally loved me. I had just ended the worst relationship in the history of relationships. I was healing .and I was being me. I didnt work at all.. I just sat and did nothing but think..think and work out and travel the world over twice. then something snapped last year and my world was ripped away from me and all of my doubts about ever making it ..ever being a productive member of society just came all back full force.

    I dont think i've ever managed to recover.

    In dating him im seeing that im almost trying to force him to see all my bad so he too can hate me. Does that make sense at all? I dont feel like im worth his love and attention. I dont feel like im good enough or smart enough..that im compassionate or grown enough to be with someone like him.

    Im totally sabatoging this shit at full force plus 100.

    When I had left him I called him up and said

    " i never realized it but everytime im thinking ... im just a stripper..with two kids ..with a horrible past... that YOU knew that before we began dating."

    and its ture

    And I do I forget that. I keep thinking he's going to wake up one day and realize oh shit shes' a fucking basket case that takes her clothes off and has two kids!
    but he knows me and he knew what he was getting involved in so why do i constantly feel bad for him? Like my god...why cant i just love and accept the fact that someone else loves and accepts me?

    It hurts to realize that years of abuse and torture at the hands of not just one guy but several have taken their toll. That they did more damage then I really gave merit to. that they sorta brainwashed me into never thinking I can do better then them. That no one will ever love me so why do i kid myself into thinking so.

    no one will ever respect me because of my job...or that i have 2 kids. that im a burden that im trash that im beneath others. That i should just know my place and fall into and get comfortable.

    thats what ive been literally taught by not only every single guy iv'edated but also my parents. My parents have said these exact fucking words to me. Not only my father but my mother.

    And its been ongoing for 28 years.

    I can always hear my mom going " dont kid yourself, no one stays with someone like you ".

    and when I start to feel love and full..and high from it all...I hear it loud n' clear. And its like " yah duh why do I fatasize about this , " or .. " im just thinking he loves me this much..tomorrow he'll realize he doesnt and he'll say it and it will hurt ".

    I am torturing myself , and I dont know what to do . Its easy to say " let it go" well how the fuck do i let it go. How do i let go everything Ive ever known or thought and just replace it with the unknown?

    In moving to chicago my aspirations were to never have to talk to my family again. Im not kidding when I say this. I knew the only way i'd ever heal was to walk away and not look back till I was in a place in my life where I was stable, secure and knew my selfworth. Then and maybe only then I could go back and not be so angry and uptight. Or so easily influenced.

    I gotta do something

    I want to calm down. I want to make this relationship work and not just mouth the words " oh i love you this will work " i want to believe it and see that it is working. I can't keep fighting with him and I can't keep fucking shit up.


    Hes been more then understanding but I've been less than coperative. So something has to click or work for me and I dont know what to do. Im sorta up in arms because I feel regret and remorse..guilt and hate for myself not just over my past but how ive been acting and I feel so incredibly bad that its rendering me from making any more progress.

    So what do i do? Has anyone else felt this way?

    AGH!

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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I think you do have an issue with self esteem, but even some of the most "fucked up" people can learn to love themselves and be loved. If you can honestly believe that, and honestly want to love yourself, then I think it could work. It will be hard, to move out of a shell you've been behind for your entire life, and start actually liking yourself, but it will be worth it.

  3. #3
    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I've walked in these shoes before!! It is not easy to overcome this. I can not even really describe how I got past this point in my life.

    I can say that I - to this day - have to make a conscious effort to be as good to my boyfriend as he is to me. He is so much more understanding, even though I have more drama than he ever has, and he is so patient and caring.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tart
    no one will ever respect me because of my job...or that i have 2 kids. that im a burden that im trash that im beneath others. That i should just know my place and fall into and get comfortable.

    thats what ive been literally taught by not only every single guy iv'edated but also my parents. My parents have said these exact fucking words to me. Not only my father but my mother.
    I understand what you are saying here, b/c it's been pounded into your head, but you need to try to get past this. Counseling maybe?? I don't know, but this is absolutely NOT true. Millions of people in the world are single parents and millions of people in the world have been strippers at one point or another. You are not alone and none of it makes you less respectable, or a bad person.

    I wish I had some good advice for you, but I can say that it is possible to get out the funk you are in. It takes time, but it is do-able. For me eprsonally, I have considered counseling, but I've done OK so far without it. Just by trying to be more positive in my life. Not just to my bf, but to everyone around me.






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    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    And as sc0101 said, it is TOTALLY a self-esteem issue. I didn't go into details of my situation, so it wasn't made clear with my initial post. But fixing my self-worth has been a LONG work in progress.

    You need to find something that works for you, whether you can repair your feelings on your own, or in counseling, or with the help of your friends or BF, etc. Good luck.






    (just click to donate FREE food to those in need...REALLY!)

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tart
    So what do i do? Has anyone else felt this way?
    Yep. For me it was all about trying to save a marriage with a person who had no attraction to me, just my wallet.

    The problem is you Tart. I wont lie, but the reason the problem is you, is because you know you're better than this, but you can't convince yourself.

    QUIT TRYING TO VALIDATE WHAT YOU WANT BASED ON THE PROCESS. Understand that the more we progress forward, the farther we see the road ahead is.

    You need to ask yourself what you want for yourself. The wrong answer is "Him". You need to focus on you and build yourself up. You need to get out of your "I'm at rock bottom" funk. Here's some starters:

    If you see yourself about to complain, stop. Complaining is drama. Come up with a solution. Ask about the solution. Come up with a solution. I know it sounds retarded, and in this case you where like "Well it's my first meal of the day and now it's blown" <--That's rock bottom mentality. Even if you DON'T want anything else, FORCE A SOLUTION. NOT A COMPLAINT.

    Complainers get noticed because they always affect someone else drastically. Solution providers are sought because they make the complainers happier and life better for those in their entourage

    If you didn't want to eat, get your money back then offer to use the money to get some mcd's and watch a movie with your man or something. I don't know, there's a MILLION things.

    Another thing to try is to force yourself to have fun. STEP BACK FROM LIFE for a minute. Look at things objectivly. Just relax. Understand that all things are temporary. Move forward, keep your mind off the things you can't change just focus on how to make your situation better.

    You're always welcome to PM me if you want to hear about the drama my marriage befell me, not to mention those around me that where crazy enough to give a shit. But I too was at rock bottom, but only because I was too afraid to look up. It sounds like a book, I know. But you're not in control, and when you're not in control, someone else is.

    You're good people tart, you don't deserve to feel this way about yourself.

    Mast.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I had some good advice, but I am at work, tried to revise it--big mistake, lol...

    It's saved--I'll post it after I am finished here taking care of the dancers, they have to come first.

    Later--almost fucked up a song, can't have that. I thought I could add something but instead I lost it, which will teach me to ever fuck around with SW at work, not even trying to add something.

    Basically it was that in order to love yourself, you have to know what's to love. Sometimes it helps to make a list. Somewhere on your list should be that you write well--that old thread about the Tacos had me cracking up. This talent is more rare than you realize.
    Last edited by Djoser; 10-02-2006 at 03:28 AM.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
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  7. #7
    Tart
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I have to hurry and get ready for work now. But mast ..cyber hugs and man o' man i owe you for that. dude. seriously you might have just saved a relationship and the rest of my life in this odd sense.

    Im not a rational person..big fucking shocker there. Instead I go off of impulse from buying to complaining. which is what complaining is. Its going to take awhile tos hed the entire habit of complaining but it is my hugest fucking issue. Im quick to complain and just throw up my arms as my bf would say " because the world is always on fire "

    and yah i sorta act like it is . Its one thing when he says ' you always complain" ..well then i take it as an insult rather then his way of just basically what you said. I tune him out the minute he says something i dont want to hear. Its my way of being in denial

    the changes im making aren't abotu him ..although he's called me out and made me realize hey you can't treat people like this . Its still i dont want to be unhappy forever. and i want good people around me. Not shitty self serving assholes. and as i've said before you are the company you keep.

    Im going to do this and I can't possibly say thank you enough. I needed to hear what you said.

    Thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart

  8. #8
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Tart, I feel for you. Every single thing you wrote in this thread I am also feeling/going through. I swear I too try to sabotage things, like my marriage, because I feel unworthy and a nutcase. Don't even know why anyone would take it. My husband and I are at odds right now because we BOTH feel the same way you do about our individual selves. Talk about hard! Good luck, and here's hoping we can both learn to stop being so destructive to ourselves!

  9. #9
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mastridonicus
    Yep. For me it was all about trying to save a marriage with a person who had no attraction to me, just my wallet.

    The problem is you Tart. I wont lie, but the reason the problem is you, is because you know you're better than this, but you can't convince yourself.

    QUIT TRYING TO VALIDATE WHAT YOU WANT BASED ON THE PROCESS. Understand that the more we progress forward, the farther we see the road ahead is.

    You need to ask yourself what you want for yourself. The wrong answer is "Him". You need to focus on you and build yourself up. You need to get out of your "I'm at rock bottom" funk. Here's some starters:

    If you see yourself about to complain, stop. Complaining is drama. Come up with a solution. Ask about the solution. Come up with a solution. I know it sounds retarded, and in this case you where like "Well it's my first meal of the day and now it's blown" <--That's rock bottom mentality. Even if you DON'T want anything else, FORCE A SOLUTION. NOT A COMPLAINT.

    Complainers get noticed because they always affect someone else drastically. Solution providers are sought because they make the complainers happier and life better for those in their entourage

    If you didn't want to eat, get your money back then offer to use the money to get some mcd's and watch a movie with your man or something. I don't know, there's a MILLION things.

    Another thing to try is to force yourself to have fun. STEP BACK FROM LIFE for a minute. Look at things objectivly. Just relax. Understand that all things are temporary. Move forward, keep your mind off the things you can't change just focus on how to make your situation better.

    You're always welcome to PM me if you want to hear about the drama my marriage befell me, not to mention those around me that where crazy enough to give a shit. But I too was at rock bottom, but only because I was too afraid to look up. It sounds like a book, I know. But you're not in control, and when you're not in control, someone else is.

    You're good people tart, you don't deserve to feel this way about yourself.

    Mast.
    I PM'd you Mast. I would like to hear your stories and advice.

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    Featured Member maximvsv's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I'll meet Matrodonicus half way here. Sure, you have self esteem issues, but he's there and not talking about this stuff, too. If he's paying attention, he should see your self esteem issues even better than you do, and he's not making something of it.

    I don't know whether or not you ought to be together or not, or how you ought to live your life.

    It's all basic Sun Tsu. Know yourself. Know the other person. Know the terrain. Know your goals. Decide what costs you'll pay for what outcomes you know you can achieve. Choose a course of action.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tart
    Thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart
    You're welcome. You are always welcome to contact me, but remember how you feel right now. The methode of hope is derived from a motivation and a drive. How you feel is simple, you now feel that you can solve this problem as it pertains to you. That's step one. The road of changing how you think is hard and long, but it will happen, and it's a self fulfilling prophacy.

    If there is anything I can do, you need but ask
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Veteran Member jordankeywest's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    check your pm box

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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    You know tart, a thought occures. One of my best friends is Casual Observer. He basically kicked my ass with the grace and help of Rhiannon and the wonderful Tampadancer when I was going through this. HOWEVER, One thing I did, was made sure, if I was going to do something that was my vice, was call him first. But even when he didn't answer, the habbit was simply to give me time to think about it in the shadow of my mentor where my mindset was completely different.

    Next time you feel like you're going to complain. Excuse yourself, and do something to put things in perspective.

    Dunno if I ever told Cas that. I swear I was like an angry Ex.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  14. #14
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Definetely PM Mast Tart. He's helping me right now.

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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Yes, I've been there. Its not fun. But, the nice part is that you can change it. What helped me was to write down all of the "bad" things about me...then on the other side, write all of the "good things". It was extremely hard to do at first. It took me but 3 minutes to come up with all of the negative stuff...but the positive took at LEAST an hour or so.

    We all have aspects of our personalities...and the way that people can get along with us is to accept them and know that our aspects are just about us...it does not reflect on the other person. When you focus on how "horrible" of a person you are, you stay stuck in that mindset and you'll keep attracting all sorts of situations to you the re-affirm how horrible you are. If you begin focusing on the positive aspects, you'll begin to move into a different mindset. It doesn't mean that the negative aspects aren't there, but what you don't focus on slowly begins to disappear. When you focus on positivity, more positive things begin to emerge...when you focus on negativity, more negative things begin to emerge. Its all about what you think about. What you focus on.

    All you need to do is change your thinking. Its that easy...and that hard. Its a lot of work, but believe me...its SO worth it. I'm glad I learned it.

  16. #16
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Tart, hope you are feeling a bit better, that the storm has passed.

    The advice above is excellent, except that trying to think one's way out of a depression is rarely a way out. That's because your perceptions about yourself and the world around you are faulty. The better notion, I think, is a change of routine & behavor to jump-start your mind and emotions. And the support of strong friends.



    E.
    Last edited by Chicagoeditor; 10-02-2006 at 07:30 AM.

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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tart
    In dating him im seeing that im almost trying to force him to see all my bad so he too can hate me. Does that make sense at all? I dont feel like im worth his love and attention. I dont feel like im good enough or smart enough..that im compassionate or grown enough to be with someone like him.


    Oh Yeah...This sounds like me. I'm quite skilled at this one, and i'm only just realising it too.


    It hurts to realize that years of abuse and torture at the hands of not just one guy but several have taken their toll. That they did more damage then I really gave merit to. that they sorta brainwashed me into never thinking I can do better then them. That no one will ever love me so why do i kid myself into thinking so.


    no one will ever respect me because of my job.


    I am torturing myself , and I dont know what to do . Its easy to say " let it go" well how the fuck do i let it go. How do i let go everything Ive ever known or thought and just replace it with the unknown?
    This all sounds so much like me I wish i knew how to make it better. I just try and be concious of my intentions in every moment...but the truth is that's damn near impossible.
    Fools laugh at others. Wisdom laughs at itself...Osho

  18. #18
    Sitri
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    It's called testing. For those who have been betrayed by people who should love us, it is a matter of anticipating when they will also betray us or reject us..

    "So, you say you love me; what if I told you ...blah .... blah ... blah. or what if I did ...... to you?" Would you still love me?

    You believe they will just betray you like everyone else. .. so you fullfill your own expectations. Take the pain early otherwise you will be a bigger fool if it comes later.

    You have to realize YOU WILL DO THIS EVERYTIME YOU CARE FOR SOMEONE.

    I could say more, but I think you have enough advice to follow and most of it won't be. There is no silver bullet. Good Luck.

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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Not to be the 'bad guy' but it will probably take years to make the transition to a happier, healthier emotional life. To make the big permanent changes you have in mind I'd recommend therapy. I hope it doesn't have a stigma in your mind and I hope it doesn't frighten you. It's good and it works! I took ten years to regroup. I faced childhood problems that burned my self esteem to bits. I learned how to decide when I was the problem and when other people were the problem (like your parents). Then I learned how to problem solve. Face the pain, diagnose the cause, then solve the problem. Nurture and protect your own spirit.

    There's plenty of books that can give you support. There's plenty of stories from people like us who've been beaten by life and learned to fight back. You can learn how to stop testing your man's love and give yourself permission to be happy. Your kids will be so much stronger for your efforts! Congratulations on taking a big step to take your life back from those spirit killers.

  20. #20
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Have I ever felt this way before? Yes, yes, and yes. I too had bad shit in the past and crappy past boyfriends. Several years ago, I dated this one piece of shit who not only ruined a good year+ of my life, but financially devastated me more than I already was, discouraged me from my pre-med ambitions, acted controlling/possessive, falsely accused me of cheating, motivated friends and family to completely ditch me. My relationship with my parents never fully recovered, which resulted in them later doing mean things like falsely accusing me of stuff, kicking me out when I had no way to make money to pay rent for my own place, etc...and this long-term effect lingered around long after they never saw the asshole again! I can definitely relate to the part where you say that your parents discourage you and insult you. My parents used to falsely accuse me of stuff and after they kicked me out to swim with the sharks, the only contact my mom would make with me was to e-mail me with insults and basically to vent about how I should change my mailing address soon because she was sick of receiving my mail. Fortunately, I was able to completely make up with my mom very shortly before she suddenly passed away from cancer last year.

    For a while after this loser shitted on everyones' parade so to speak, I had very low self esteem and felt very similar to how you felt and/or is feeling now. It was hard for me to think of myself as smart when he'd been discouraging me from pre-med, and especially when none of the professors bothered to help me find internships. Because none of the professors helped me despite my inquiring, I thought "maybe I'm not smart enough or good enough." The situation got worse when I found myself in more debt than ever from college, and no one wanted to hire me despite my qualifications and excellent work ethic. People would turn their noses up when they saw that I was a near-college grad working in retail, not having a fuctioning car, or if they heard that I was sleeping on my friend's couch because I couldn't afford my own place. That period of time was probably The Worst that I ever felt about myself...at that point, I felt that I wasn't ever going to be good enough to make money or be respected. Then, I said "fuck it, I have nothing else to lose" and started dancing...after that, I was able to actually cover living expenses, finish college, and get a car.

    But even now(nearly 2yrs later), I still have those same feelings that you describe. Last year, I was in a relationship and we often had arguments very similar to what you described. I constantly felt like I "wasn't good enough" and I would constantly compare myself to the young, rich-kid sluts in my high school class that my ex had hooked up with years earlier. I still feel that way and a few friends have suggested that after the shit I went through with the loser ex 4yrs ago, and the poverty I went through, and my mom's recent death, that I should seek counselling. I think discussing with friends and people on forums can serve as nearly just as good of counselling as paying some professional. I think it is important to remind yourself of your good traits and surround yourself with true friends who make you feel good about yourself. (That was my problem...some of my "friends", such as my recent ex, would make mean comments like saying that I needed a nose job, or that I was "cheap" because I didn't want to blow my savings to drink booze) You sound like a very intelligent woman and from your pictures, very beautiful too. You wrote before that you had a kid at 17...that shows a lot of maturity and bravery and I consider those things strengths of character. I hope you feel better soon and remember to focus on things that you like(hobbies, favorite foods, etc) and more importantly, things that you or people close to you would view as your strengths. Hope everything goes better.

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I do not like me. I do not love me. In fact I hate me most of the time. I hate the fact I can't ever seem to pull shit together. that I constantly disappoint people..that I totally fall short.A couple of years ago I totally loved me. I had just ended the worst relationship in the history of relationships. I was healing .and I was being me. I didnt work at all.. I just sat and did nothing but think..think and work out and travel the world over twice. then something snapped last year and my world was ripped away from me and all of my doubts about ever making it ..ever being a productive member of society just came all back full force.

    I dont think i've ever managed to recover.
    Masticles already said most of what needs to be said, but this quote bears remarking.

    There are a great many things in this life that we simply cannot control, and some of us spend a grossly disproportional amount of time trying to change that reality, instead of focusing on that which we can control, namely, our own actions, motivations and attitudes.

    When you focus on how "horrible" of a person you are, you stay stuck in that mindset and you'll keep attracting all sorts of situations to you the re-affirm how horrible you are. If you begin focusing on the positive aspects, you'll begin to move into a different mindset. It doesn't mean that the negative aspects aren't there, but what you don't focus on slowly begins to disappear. When you focus on positivity, more positive things begin to emerge...when you focus on negativity, more negative things begin to emerge. Its all about what you think about. What you focus on.
    An excellent synopsis of the condition.

    Ask yourself:

    --Why am I focusing so much negative energy on critcizing, analyzing, and judging myself? (Because it's a self-fulfilling, reinforcing cyclical behavior)

    --What am I accomplishing by doing so? (Nothing)

    --How can I change this condition? (Become solution-oriented--take positive action in a forward direction)

    --What can I control in my life? (My own actions, motivations and attitudes and those of no one else)


    Forward direction.

    Positive action.

    These are not mind-shattering concepts and they don't have to be rooted in some degree of intangible complexity and obscurity. It's as simple as focusing on your own actions, motivations and attitudes, yet may come across to some as an epiphany.

    A very wise SW dancer once said to me, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." This seems particularly appropriate here.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

  22. #22
    Tart
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    I still swear that some people on here need their own talk show to give advice ..Fuck dr phil

    I am going to take to heart what i've read. but seriously last night after this post., what mast said and then talking to my bf things are worked out and I went to work and made a lil' over a grand . Not that the money solves anything but it shows i wasn't moping.

    Now to the posts about my bf not helping me with my self esteem issue...there is only so much he can do...if he can do anything at all. After all the problem lays with me. I know that there is a problem, I know what the problem is and I now have ways of preventing it from getting worse and to start to deal with it rather then push it back and let it manifest into other shit.

    im not going to blame my selfworth on this industry or even the assholes I dated in the past., but I will find fault in the foundation I was given as a child that was basically made me a moving target for it to become this.

    It is true that we are a product of our enviroment. Now the entire thing is... I know right from wrong...and I know good verses bad behavior. I need to correct my behavior and gain a better outlook on life in general.

  23. #23
    Veteran Member jordankeywest's Avatar
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    feeling a little better? look at it as a new exciting journey not a punishment.

  24. #24
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Tart, another thought: Enjoy tonight's thunderstorms. Rent a movie version of King Lear. There's a great scene where the old king rages against the whole physical world. Very cathartic. Or just rent a Jim Carrey movie--say, The Mask. Either way, hope you feel better.

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    Default Re: HI my name is Tart and I'm ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mastridonicus
    Yep. For me it was all about trying to save a marriage with a person who had no attraction to me, just my wallet.

    The problem is you Tart. I wont lie, but the reason the problem is you, is because you know you're better than this, but you can't convince yourself.

    QUIT TRYING TO VALIDATE WHAT YOU WANT BASED ON THE PROCESS. Understand that the more we progress forward, the farther we see the road ahead is.

    You need to ask yourself what you want for yourself. The wrong answer is "Him". You need to focus on you and build yourself up. You need to get out of your "I'm at rock bottom" funk. Here's some starters:

    If you see yourself about to complain, stop. Complaining is drama. Come up with a solution. Ask about the solution. Come up with a solution. I know it sounds retarded, and in this case you where like "Well it's my first meal of the day and now it's blown" <--That's rock bottom mentality. Even if you DON'T want anything else, FORCE A SOLUTION. NOT A COMPLAINT.

    Complainers get noticed because they always affect someone else drastically. Solution providers are sought because they make the complainers happier and life better for those in their entourage

    If you didn't want to eat, get your money back then offer to use the money to get some mcd's and watch a movie with your man or something. I don't know, there's a MILLION things.

    Another thing to try is to force yourself to have fun. STEP BACK FROM LIFE for a minute. Look at things objectivly. Just relax. Understand that all things are temporary. Move forward, keep your mind off the things you can't change just focus on how to make your situation better.

    You're always welcome to PM me if you want to hear about the drama my marriage befell me, not to mention those around me that where crazy enough to give a shit. But I too was at rock bottom, but only because I was too afraid to look up. It sounds like a book, I know. But you're not in control, and when you're not in control, someone else is.

    You're good people tart, you don't deserve to feel this way about yourself.

    Mast.

    Yes, I agree with the man 100%

    Tart...you don't need to feel or be any more "sour." Value is value percieved. YOU ultimately decide what something is worth.


    "It is true that we are a product of our enviroment. Now the entire thing is... I know right from wrong...and I know good verses bad behavior. I need to correct my behavior and gain a better outlook on life in general." -TART

    We are all victims of this. Some are more content than others. My life is great, my family is fuckin awesome. My friends...they'd all "vouch"(Donnie Brasco) for me.

    But I, myself am not content of what I have become. I think my family, friends, and strangers like me more than I like myself. The problem with me is I have high expectations and nothing I do is accceptable. It's been engrained in my mind for such a long time(always wanting to be the best). I'm in the process of self exploration and pushing my limitations to another level. What level? The opposite of what society and myself percieve as "low expectations."

    If this helps... I moved into my car 7mos ago!~~~~ This is out of choice, of course! <--btw quite an adventure.

    Change is general(emotions, personality, environment, religion, perspectives) is hard but as time progresses it's one of few constant actions.

    I want to take myself apart and build it back together even if I end up in full circle. At least, my mind will be content with the knowledge that I've tried.

    Cheer up! There is a bigger picture in YOU and your life..


    p.s.
    I'm fuckin happy as hell even though
    -I'm barely making any cash.
    -I've blown the last 20 auditions in the past few months
    -I'm still living my car (i've got this whole technique down!) if you're curious to know how I'm doing this just ask.

    Because all those things above AINT gonna bring me down with them BOOYAH!~

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