a fucking nutcase.
For the last week my boyfriend and I have been at odds. There has been this weird wall built up between us that we both realized was there, yet didn't talk about. Things had been going well up until a week n' a half ago when we had a rather large argument over cell phone use at dinner.
Since then things have been strange, and hes been very short with me. To the point that the smallest shit sets him off. He isnt the shouting, or hitting type. more the stern fuck this shit im outta here type.
So ive been walking on eggshells, yet Ive been sad and a bit weary since Im just waiting for him to go " i dont want to know you anymore ".
Last night we went to dinner. We went downtown to a rather nice resturant and I wanted to take him out and just have a good evening. The food was fucking HORRIBLE. the blandest shit i've ever had the displeasure of paying for. When my food got there I made the remark that I wans't going to eat it and shoved it to the side. My otherhalf ate his and was offering up suggestions like " do you want them to send you another or something else " and I just was so pissed because it was now 10 pm and it was the first meal I had all day. I just wanted to leave asap and go somewhere else.
In doing this, I ruined our evening. And sitting at a diner he didnt speak to me and just sorta stayed to himself. So out of no where I blurted out .. " its over". Because in myhead im thinking..he is so miserable with me. He's so over me ...just look at him. Its over.
He didnt disagree. It was like " well we gave it our best. ". I wanted to die. I just did. Fuck me for saying the shit ,although I felt like it needed to be said. But still godamnit there I go again with fucking shit up! I can't ever not do that!
eventually things were talked out and we stayed together, we woke up and had great sex...I went to drop him off at home and then come back to my apt to get ready for work and well shit hit the fan again. I opened my dumb ass mouth and let all my lil' insecurites out.
I am scared. I am paranoid and I am sitting here waiting for him to go " god what am I doing with YOU ". So he got mad again. Or irritated I should say. And was like we just took steps backwards. So im sitting there crying being a hysterical mess. In my head going " I keep fucking up what is wrong with me".
Eventually he gets out and goes inside his apt and i drive off. then it dawns on me. My self esteem and self worth is fucking this shit up. You know the saying you can't love someone else till you learn to love yourself. Well thats more then true. And not in the most obvious of ways either.
I do not like me. I do not love me. In fact I hate me most of the time. I hate the fact I can't ever seem to pull shit together. that I constantly disappoint people..that I totally fall short.A couple of years ago I totally loved me. I had just ended the worst relationship in the history of relationships. I was healing .and I was being me. I didnt work at all.. I just sat and did nothing but think..think and work out and travel the world over twice. then something snapped last year and my world was ripped away from me and all of my doubts about ever making it ..ever being a productive member of society just came all back full force.
I dont think i've ever managed to recover.
In dating him im seeing that im almost trying to force him to see all my bad so he too can hate me. Does that make sense at all? I dont feel like im worth his love and attention. I dont feel like im good enough or smart enough..that im compassionate or grown enough to be with someone like him.
Im totally sabatoging this shit at full force plus 100.
When I had left him I called him up and said
" i never realized it but everytime im thinking ... im just a stripper..with two kids ..with a horrible past... that YOU knew that before we began dating."
and its ture
And I do I forget that. I keep thinking he's going to wake up one day and realize oh shit shes' a fucking basket case that takes her clothes off and has two kids!
but he knows me and he knew what he was getting involved in so why do i constantly feel bad for him? Like my god...why cant i just love and accept the fact that someone else loves and accepts me?
It hurts to realize that years of abuse and torture at the hands of not just one guy but several have taken their toll. That they did more damage then I really gave merit to. that they sorta brainwashed me into never thinking I can do better then them. That no one will ever love me so why do i kid myself into thinking so.
no one will ever respect me because of my job...or that i have 2 kids. that im a burden that im trash that im beneath others. That i should just know my place and fall into and get comfortable.
thats what ive been literally taught by not only every single guy iv'edated but also my parents. My parents have said these exact fucking words to me. Not only my father but my mother.
And its been ongoing for 28 years.
I can always hear my mom going " dont kid yourself, no one stays with someone like you ".
and when I start to feel love and full..and high from it all...I hear it loud n' clear. And its like " yah duh why do I fatasize about this , " or .. " im just thinking he loves me this much..tomorrow he'll realize he doesnt and he'll say it and it will hurt ".
I am torturing myself , and I dont know what to do . Its easy to say " let it go" well how the fuck do i let it go. How do i let go everything Ive ever known or thought and just replace it with the unknown?
In moving to chicago my aspirations were to never have to talk to my family again. Im not kidding when I say this. I knew the only way i'd ever heal was to walk away and not look back till I was in a place in my life where I was stable, secure and knew my selfworth. Then and maybe only then I could go back and not be so angry and uptight. Or so easily influenced.
I gotta do something
I want to calm down. I want to make this relationship work and not just mouth the words " oh i love you this will work " i want to believe it and see that it is working. I can't keep fighting with him and I can't keep fucking shit up.
Hes been more then understanding but I've been less than coperative. So something has to click or work for me and I dont know what to do. Im sorta up in arms because I feel regret and remorse..guilt and hate for myself not just over my past but how ive been acting and I feel so incredibly bad that its rendering me from making any more progress.
So what do i do? Has anyone else felt this way?
AGH!


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I wish i knew how to make it better. I just try and be concious of my intentions in every moment...but the truth is that's damn near impossible.

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