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Thread: breaking up with a regular

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default breaking up with a regular

    Not sure where to put this, but I'm interested in customer input as well, so maybe here. Basically, it's the same old story. "My regular wants to see me outside of the club" is Stripper Dilemma #1, I know. But this is different, cause it's happening to me.

    I like this guy a lot, as a customer. Possibly if I met him somewhere else, we might have been friends, but where besides a strip club does a 26-year-old stripper meet a 47-year-old businessman? Still, we have lots to talk about and have enjoyed each other's company on some very pleasant evenings. He also spends good money on me -- not insane money, but I can make my nightly average off sitting only with him. Anyway, inevitably he's gone and gotten all emotionally confused and doesn't want to be my customer anymore, but wants to see me outside of the club and be "friends." He really schizzed out on me tonight and ended up leaving the club angry at me. All though he swears differently, it's pretty obvious that the version of friendship he has in mind is one in which he's waiting around in the wings for me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't need a friend like that.

    I wish I could make him understand that being my customer isn't such a bad thing. It's not as though the fact that he pays me means that I don't like him. I pay my therapist, and I don't accuse her of not caring about me just because she wants to be compensated for her time.

    I don't think real friendship is possible under these circumstances, but I really am sad, because I've gotten quite attached to him. I think I'm going to tell him that I don't want to see him outside of the club, and quite possibly not in the club either. Things are just too weird all of a sudden. But I'm going to miss him a lot, both personally and financially. I feel like I'm losing a good client. Like if I were a salesman and someone told me they would never buy from me again because they liked the product too much.

    Sorry. This is pretty incoherent. But I'm tired, and more than a little sad.

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    Member Anona's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    I once had a regular in his 50s who was married and had no intention of leaving his wife, but still wanted to see me outside the club. He basically wanted an affair. He wasn't rich, but to him the $200-$300 he gave me every night he came in was a lot of money. I finally had to tell him that I did not want to have an affair with a married man, and I would not see him outside the club. That was the last night I ever saw him. He left a note on my car in the club parking lot saying goodbye.

    I was a little sad, because he was a nice guy and a good customer. But now that some time has passed, I realize I don't really miss him.

    It's not easy to end it with a regular, but if that's what you end up having to do, it will be okay. Good luck.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Once a reg gets to this point, he's done. I just ignore them from there on out because anything else will be a drama-filled waste of my time.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    God/dess Susan-Va's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    First, that's so funny that you call it breaking up with a regular, that's what I call it!

    It is sad when you get to this point, especailly if you really enjoy his company. Does he spend money on other girls in the club or just you? If he does you could just start putting some distance between you so maybe he'll find another girl to be interested in.

    If not, like everyone else said, tell him you don't see customers outside the club.

  5. #5
    tampafldancer
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    i have had a customer for 3 years and i think he is finally wanting more for sure.. I cant give it and i think there will be a breakup.

    It happens... even longterm like this

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    God/dess doc-catfish's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Regular-ATF breakups to me are just the natural order of things, and much like nature, from death will eventually come rebirth.

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxoGracexoxo
    I think I'm going to tell him that I don't want to see him outside of the club, and quite possibly not in the club either.
    Smart move. I would refuse to do more than breifly speak to him. The cleaner the break the better off both of you will be.

    But I'm going to miss him a lot, both personally and financially.
    In time you really won't. You can replace him, and if he has any tether to reality left, he'll discover with time that he can replace you.

    I feel like I'm losing a good client. Like if I were a salesman and someone told me they would never buy from me again because they liked the product too much.
    The thing is, the product he really wants is something that isn't for sale.
    Former SCJ now in rehab.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Yea if you really want to do this, let your body language speak for you in the club, but spurn the outside the club.

    Who knows, he may take the news well or not, only time will really tell, just cut him off in the club, don't TELL him unless he asks, when he asks he's receptive "You just kind of make me uncomfortable right now" But "I don't do OTC" needs to be firm and solid.

    You wont miss him for long. The best thing about us custies is that there are hundreds like us and thousands that are even better.

    It's always a gamble from our end because even with the simplest of wants and needs, it's still human interaction which is unpredictible at best when sexuality/time is the product of the interaction. It's a potent combination that wears away at the most iron-willed individual. The down side, is sometimes it just cannot progress the way one of the members of the relationship wishes. This is natuaral in more cases than not, and is the cause for any breakup. He should see it for what it is and walk away as an adult and hopefully not cause any drama. It is what it is, and perpetrating it beyond your soon-to-provide brick wall is detremental and a waste of his time.

    Just try to leave it on a good not if you have to verbally tell him you don't want to see him. If he can't respect your wishes to maintain and ITC relationship with no hopes of OTC then he's no longer someone you need around and then you have to verbally let him go. But otherwise just say you don't want OTC, see how he reacts, with a firm "No" he still may be a good customer.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Just for a minute here, since you like this guy, let's look at it from his point of view: he's decided he doesn't want to be a customer any more since he likes you so much. Well, the guy had to lay it on the line, and we have to respect that. Some guys are capable of just enjoying us in the club and don't want to take it out, but sometimes they fall in love with you (even if it's "club you"). Would you want to hang around someone after being rebuffed once and for all? Let's disregard the customer/workplace aspects and just think of it in interpersonal terms, because that's what he's doing.

    Ever had a male friend who decided he liked you as more than a friend, and then he made an awkward move, and you got all skeeved out, and now you're not really close anymore? hmmmm? The guy decides it's either a romantic relationship or nothing, and again, it does take some balls and awareness of your feelings to take that risk. It sucks to lose a good customer or a friend, but the guy has to take care of himself and if he doesn't like the reality of where things are, he has every right to jet.

    Sorry about this, it does suck, but every once in a while we need to remember not everyone can suspend their disbelief enough just to enjoy the stripper experience.

  9. #9
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    And customers are people too!

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    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    I see my fav OTC (sometimes money is involved sometimes not depending on what we are doing) but always give her good money ITC since she is there to work and I want her to spend the lions share of her time with me. I dont see these as mutually exclusive, businesswise. But if the guy wants to take it completely outside and you arent in the same mode, then as stated above its likely time to part company. If he hadnt made the break you probably would have eventually.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    You can be straight up with him. Simply state, "I can't see you outside the club, I will hate to lose you as a friend and a customer, but it will not happen". You could add that you would understand if he didn't want to see you anymore.

    This is clear and it's kind.

    He will most likely start to pull back slowly at first, then he'll move on.

    Rick

  12. #12
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    You might be able to get rid of him quicker if you turn it around on him & accuse him of trying to take advantage of your friendliness to tap your ass as if he never respected you at all.

    I'm feeling you here sweety. (((Hugs)))

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Well, it's done. We communicate mostly by e-mail, so I sent him one saying that I liked him and enjoyed his company, but wouldn't be breaking my no-OTC rule. He sent back a string of like six bitter replies.

    I'm sorry he's upset, but on the other hand, he knew the score when he came in the club, and I never led him on. Oh well, it's over. Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Eh, don't let it get you down. We're replaceable like that. If he's going to get shitty with you about something like that he's not worth your time even if he's paying for it.

    I swear to god.

    Men these days.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Sounds like you handled that as best as you possibly could have. I know that must have been rough no matter what, but please feel confident knowing that you were both kind and professional. Breakin' up is hard to do-oo!

    I loved what you wrote in your very first post here: "It's not as though the fact that he pays me means that I don't like him. I pay my therapist, and I don't accuse her of not caring about me just because she wants to be compensated for her time." That's a perfect analogy. I want to memorize that in case I should ever need it!
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

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    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxoGracexoxo
    Well, it's done. We communicate mostly by e-mail, so I sent him one saying that I liked him and enjoyed his company, but wouldn't be breaking my no-OTC rule. He sent back a string of like six bitter replies.

    I'm sorry he's upset, but on the other hand, he knew the score when he came in the club, and I never led him on. Oh well, it's over. Thanks for the thoughtful replies.
    Unfortunately they dont pass out rule cards at the club entrance. I imagine the experience was an epiphany for him. Hopefully, after he is done pouting he will become a wiser (and probably more jaded) customer. Not necessarily a bad thing. He will probably continue to spend money on other dancers but not get emotional about it.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Banned All Good Things's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxoGracexoxo
    Well, it's done. We communicate mostly by e-mail, so I sent him one saying that I liked him and enjoyed his company, but wouldn't be breaking my no-OTC rule. He sent back a string of like six bitter replies.

    I'm sorry he's upset, but on the other hand, he knew the score when he came in the club, and I never led him on. Oh well, it's over. Thanks for the thoughtful replies.
    This thread went from start to finish in 12 hours? That must be some kind of record.

    First, I am sorry that you lost an in-club friend and a safe haven in your work environment. That was evident from your initial post and I find it a little sad. So I am sorry for that.

    I also regret that you've lost a regular source of income. You can replace that eventually, but it's a short-term loss nonetheless. If it's true that he could make your entire night just by sitting with him, then it's a real financial loss.

    Look, he broke a cardinal rule: He does not make the OTC choice. You do. If he pushes that beyond your comfort level, the inevitable result is a flurry of bitter responses from him showing that he simply did not get it. It's a learning experience, as FBR noted.

    We really should offer courses, don't you think? I'll do the course on tipping, shopping, wiring cash, all-night CRs and establishing a safe haven in the club. We'll do a graduate-level seminar on StripperFests.

    The one surprise for me, though, was that most of your connection with him has been by e-mail. For a regular? Without cell phones and texting, I honestly don't know how any of us could coordinate our OTC or ITC schedules at all.

  18. #18
    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Oh. My. Fucking. God. Now this guy has found my blog, in which I have written about all of this in detail and used his actual first name. Stupid, stupid me. Happily, he is taking it all as a big joke and doesn't seem like he's going to come and kill me. And now he knows how I really feel, for better or worse. Can life get any weirder?

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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Gracie

    I'm impressed, you're a class act. You handled this perfectly and still look how he reacted.

    You have my best wishes,

    Rick

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    ^^Right. If he ever comes into the club again while I'm working I'm going to put my hands over my eyes and pretend to be invisible until he goes away.

  21. #21
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    ^ Seriously, ignore him. If he makes a scene, he gets thrown out. If he gets dances from another girl, everything is hunky-dory. He's the one losing out if he won't come back to the club just because you didn't want to date him. You didn't do anything wrong.

  22. #22
    Veteran Member Lurker's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Somewhat off topic, but...GREAT BLOG, GRACE! Very enjoyable read.
    "All this time you were pretending
    So much for my happy ending."
    --Avril Lavigne

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    If I had to guess, I'd say he probably found your blog sooner than you think... specifically, before any of this went down, I think he must have read your blog entry 'Crushing', where you discuss... well, crushing on him.... he read that and thought: maybe I should give it a try. Just my theory.

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Quote Originally Posted by FBR
    He will probably continue to spend money on other dancers but not get emotional about it.
    But why can't he continue to spend money on me and not get emotional about it? Does everybody have to fuck up with their first ATF like they fuck up their first marriage and their first kid?

    Actually, he's being a trooper about the whole "I've been secretly blogging about you for weeks" thing, and I'm much more impressed with him. There may be a happy ending (in relative terms) to this whole fiasco after all.

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: breaking up with a regular

    Quote Originally Posted by dlabtot
    If I had to guess, I'd say he probably found your blog sooner than you think... specifically, before any of this went down, I think he must have read your blog entry 'Crushing', where you discuss... well, crushing on him.... he read that and thought: maybe I should give it a try. Just my theory.
    Then he should also have read the part about how I adore my boyfriend and would never consider cheating on him with some dude from a strip club. Anyway, I can't fault anybody for trying. What I fault them for is not taking no for an answer and being pissy drama queens about it. But like I said earlier, all's well that ends well.

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