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Thread: 5yrs and we are over

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    Veteran Member kitty46's Avatar
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    Exclamation 5yrs and we are over

    So it has been 5 yrs 1 mortage 1child 2 dogs and a hell of a bumpny ride and we are now over. I dont know wheather to laugh or cry I mean I am the one who did it but...............

    I dont even knopw why i am writting this but i just needed to spill And i know you girls are so supportive.

    I feel like I love him to much, more than he loves me and i dont want to be in a relationship like that.
    To start from the begining this is all over such a stupid thing but it is just the last straw i have had enough. We were suppose to go out tonite as a familt which was all giid and I was at school and finishe 15 mins early so i would get home with plenty of time to spare so we could get ready. I rang him just as i left and he lets me know that he droped our daughter of at her pops and was busy building my ace engine which isnt his job cause we have an engine builder and he wont hasnt hung the washing out hasnt been home to get our daughters clothes or mine (which i packed before i left). has not got any nappies or drinks like i asked. So i am fuming and tell him not to bother and i will not go any more cause i have had enough. then blah blah alot of other shit happens and i get home he is there and starts telling me that the world revolves around me and he pitys the next guy im with and yada yada so thats it its over.
    This is not the first time this has happened but it will be the last. H edasent even have the time to speak to me about it he just keeps saying whatever i have nothing to say so yeah.............

    I dunno what to do or say and i guess i am just asking for your opinion.
    I feel so empty and alone and i dont know how to feel or think..........

    THIS IS SHIT!!!

  2. #2
    God/dess PookaShell's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I dont have any way to relate to this because I've never had such a close relationship, but you are smart for knowing when a relationship isn't at a healthy level of balance. I know it will be hard but just keep your head up and keep your heart strong and you will get through it.

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    Veteran Member kitty46's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I wizh this had never happened if it was going to turn out like this now i reall cant stop crying!!!!

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    Well #1 get ahold of yourself. It's not over.

    Seriously, look at yourself and ask yourself what you want. Here, I'll help you:

    You want to be loved how you feel you deserve to be loved.

    Now stop and take a cold hard look at that. That want is all you. And it works, because love/relationships are a full circle.

    The problems that this desire bares are often apparently very superficial but they get harder to tolerate because they illicit stronger negative emotions than the situation calls for.

    Love is very selfish. It should be. Hear me out. We all want something (and when we know exactly what that is it makes it all better/easier) and when someone gives you what you want (treats you great, makes you have butterflies, buys you flowers, takes you out, makes you proud to be with him) you treat that one person different than anyone else, cause he's giving you what you want! And in turn, if you treating him in this special way covers what he wants, then it becomes a perfect circle.

    Of course there are troubles. But understand that relationships start and end with you.

    So all I ask is look at this situation, and really decide, is it over? Are you just angry?

    I don't know you so I apologize up front, but it seems like this guy is taking advantage of you, non-maliciously, just is because it's become easy. You need to demand the level of quality you expect out of this guy and make him rise to the occaision. Don't walk away if he's really what you want. You need to go back, slap him in the head by asking him "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

    If you describe a relationship in time as a larger circle using the example prior, than understand that the longer you're in a relationship with someone the stronger and thicker the circle becomes if it is a proper relationships. When problems happen pieces of the circle break off, but dependant on how strong and big the circle is, it can make up for the broken piece with minimal repair. But your situation is very "straw-the-broke-the-camal's-back" which tells me your "circle" is degrading more so daily if little things like this are triggering breakups.

    The fact is you have a child with him, you say you love him, you say he's doing a ton of stupid shit. This is YOUR husband, the father of YOUR child. And if he's not loving YOU the way YOU deserve to be loved, how on earth would he expect YOU to return that love to him in a way that he appreciates and can be happy with. Yes he was inconciderate, but the BREAKUP is not the solution.

    This is YOUR husband, he's supposed to be what YOU want. You engaged with this man for 5 years and 1 child. You can't NOT accept some responsibility. ESPECIALLY IF YOU LOVE HIM.

    So I ask again, what do you want? Put it out there, tell him you feel like you are not an equal to him. And really watch his reaction cause it will tell you the truth. I know what he did hurt, but you need to have him put up or shut up. Tell him what you want, and tell him if he can't give it, that there are many men out there and thousands better that would want to take a try at a person like you.

    Mast

    Or... you could throw a wedge of cheese at him. Don't question it. Just throw it. Problems get better immediatly afterwards.

    Good luck.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Featured Member Miss_Luscious's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    I like the cheese idea!
    "A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand." - Bertrand Russell

    "It's just a matter of people having low self esteem and being way too easily offended." -Random Guy on a Internet Forum

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    Ya'll bitches need to calm down. Cerously.
    In other words: Boo-motherfucking-hoo

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    That was pretty hard to read and understand, but I think what you're saying is that...

    You're leaving the man you've been married to for 5 years and have a child with. The reason you're leaving is because he doesn't think about you enough to do small things...like tonight, you had planned to go out. You had asked him to do a few things to get ready to go out, and you left work 15 minutes early to be able to get ready to go out (as a family). When you got home, he hadn't done the things you'd asked him to do to get ready, like hang out the washing and get some things for your daughter and pick her up from her grandparents (who I guess were watching her?).

    Is that about right?

    If so, then I think you need to reconsider your decision.

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    Member ReflectedVoid's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    Seems like something has been building up for quiet some time, I'd suggest marriage counciling, get professional help from people who are trained to help. Every relationship goes through change, you cannot expect to love each other the same way you did all those years ago, and to be the same people. You need to decide if its over, or if you want to work it out, if the latter then go get help so that at the very least, you have a neutral party there to assist you.

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    Veteran Member kitty46's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    Thanks all for your help. He ended up staying with his dad the night so we could both have so space to think about things. We both said some pretty hurtfull thongs to one another in the heat of the moment and we really need to talk about it. I love what mast said about telling him if he's not loving YOU the way YOU deserve to be loved, how on earth would he expect YOU to return that love to him in a way that he appreciates and can be happy with. So I think I am going to make a call and ask him to come and see me for a chat if his willing and this will be the tell all or end all chat.
    thanks heaps!!!!

    I feel much better today, If the chat dose not work its the chesse!

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    You are creating this yourself. If you don't want to feel bad, stop responding. The only thing I am sorry about is the fact that you brought a child into this horrible situation...how could you?

    Chaos breeds chaos... you have more problems than you are willing to admit to. Stop pointing the finger at him... he is only the master in the game you are creating... and your child is the loser.

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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    ^ ... What the hell? There was no indication that the situation was this serious when the kid was born. And how is him not seeming to be willing to do his part in raising the child her fault? Admittedly, there are two sides to every story, but until we hear both sides of it, fingers should NOT be pointing and judgement should NOT be passed.
    (And before anyone says I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm majoring in psychology, specializing in councilling.)

    Whew! Now that that's out of the way.

    You two need to take some time to sort your own thoughts out. I suggest you make a list of pros and cons and use that as an AID to decide whether or not you want to try to salvage the relationship.

    If not, always keep in mind that there's a wonderful little girl who will not only see what you do, but learn and imitate it. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want her to do.

    If you do, I'd suggest you two make a list of the good things that you wish the other would do more often and share that. I'd also suggest you both write letters to each other to vent and then burn them. (The burning helps to visualize letting go of the negativity. It sounds weird but you will feel so much better!)
    Zis ees a dead profile! I'm now idreamofaislin!

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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    ell, it's definitely good that you're hoping to fix this problem... (through divorce or working things out).

    I definitely suggest marriage counseling...I think it can help a ton...ask him to go along with you to the session. If not, go yourself...and eventually find a way to convince him to come along with you.
    some insurances actually pay for regular counseling...(well, it'd be with a psychologist..you want a pschologist...look up one/call them and see if they do relationship issues too...you don't want a psychiatrist--it's an MD that deals with mental issues, that's the difference--to just be like "you need happy pills!.
    go to www.oprah.com and go to the relationships section of the website. free advice source. there might be some useful advice there..or post your question on a forum there somewhere...or just look up some stuff on the internet about relationships and "getting through arguments," etc.
    or, try visiting the relationships section of a bookstore...there's a book by this woman...Robin Smith...who's featured on oprah. one of her books is "Lies at the altar"...and there are tons of other books too...just skim through them...see which might have good advice. or look up reviews of them on www.amazon.com before you buy them.
    your relationship isn't necessarily over. It just seems like the ways that both of you are communicating..getting really heated up and angry, isn't working. Try having a quiet, calm, civil conversation that you're upset, explain why you're upset, and ask him if he's willing to take on the responsibilities he has been ignoring (like getting the laundry, shopping, etc)... because that's what you need him to do. it's a basic responsibility in a adult relationship.
    Now,if this guy just tends to be an ass by nature...you can't change a person. they need to be willing to change their behavior on their own...and change can be slow...sometimes some guys don't "grow up" (just like some women don't "grow up") or have parts of themselves that are still really immature....I don't know if he's a born-lazy guy...or if he's just being lazy right now because he knows that you won't seriously put down your foot...he wants to live easily...and is respecting you less for some reason.
    Take a shot in having both of you sew together the holes in the relationship...and weave some new needed connections. If it doesn't work...I dunno (I've never been in a marriage before...so i'm not sure)....sometimes you just have to let go and say, "well, he won't change his ways" and find nicer pastures to be on... You deserve better. Don't loose your sense of worth... years of him acting like an ass...your needs not getting met..the fighting...it's really unhealthy, physically and mentally...so definitely do something to address this...don't just sweep it under the rug and things will be better after post-fight sex, for example. (i'm saying that because there've been times when I ignored an issue with a boyfriend....because i thought it wasn't really a big deal...but it ate me away...and i regretted I didn't call out the foulness sooner...).
    and remember communication... don't clam up yourself and decide something like "oh, i'm not going to speak to him for an entire week" when really in reality it'd be very helpful if you'd talk to him and start working out things sooner. try to have an open dialogue...even if you feel like you're the one always trying to be the leader in creating a decent conversation to discuss the problems...sometimes some people just want to clam up, so you have to put yourself out there and make the conversation happen...
    sorry my message isn't totally perfectly composed...ideas everywhere...from one thing to another. but i hope it helps somewhat. good luck with things! hope things will turn out for the better

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    Veteran Member kitty46's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    wowow hold up i never said he didnt help out with lookind after our daughter he is the greates father a man could be he just dosent understand the i need to have time with him too. He is a great father so dont ever say he isnt!!!!!!!!1

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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    Please see marriage counciling, dont try to fix it yoursenf and dont let it slide. You got stuff bubbling under the surface and unless you act directly to fix it now it will cause problems down the line. It sounds like you love each other but communication is an issue, so rather then continue bumping heads go seek help. If you also have stressful jobs/life and no way to let that stress out, you might be taking it out on each other so find a hobby together or a way to calm yourselves down, like goto meditation together, yoga or just learn dancing (ballroom, tango, whatever). whatever. You need to re-connect and get some serious understanding between you to inorder to reconnect. the emotioons/love is there, just need to see eye to eye.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    Quote Originally Posted by kitty46
    Thanks all for your help. He ended up staying with his dad the night so we could both have so space to think about things. We both said some pretty hurtfull thongs to one another in the heat of the moment and we really need to talk about it. I love what mast said about telling him if he's not loving YOU the way YOU deserve to be loved, how on earth would he expect YOU to return that love to him in a way that he appreciates and can be happy with. So I think I am going to make a call and ask him to come and see me for a chat if his willing and this will be the tell all or end all chat.
    thanks heaps!!!!

    I feel much better today, If the chat dose not work its the chesse!
    It's only a beginning hun, and remember, the cheese is only a fridge away!
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Veteran Member kitty46's Avatar
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    Default Re: 5yrs and we are over

    well all is well that ends well. I didnt resort to the chesse but we both sat down and talked through it. we laugheed and cryed but now we are pretty much okay. Thanks for all your advice guys you helped me get through this
    mwah mwah
    take care

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