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Thread: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Okay, so I came back in contact with this guy I went out with in highschool (oh, the joys of myspace!). We hung out maybe four months ago. He called all the time but we didn't hang out again until maybe two months ago. We went to a bar and then back to my place and hung out for a bit before he left. He kissed me and I kissed him back because I was drunk. He came over a few weeks after and we hung out and got drunk and he tried to kiss me again when he left but I didn't kiss him... Really, I just want to be friends with this guy. I've known him for so long and he's a cool person. Um, that was all a couple of months ago and he calls me every day... at least once, usually more. I kept hoping that if I distanced myself a lot, he'd settle for just friends, ya know? Well, he showed up at my work yesterday... not by coincidence but to see me. Does anyone else have friends that do that? I'm tempted to put him under my pervert category and write him off. I THINK I told him I was dating someone last night to get him off my back... but I don't remember. Anyways, should I give up on this guy just being my friend? I need pointers!
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Have you told him not to come into your work? I dont think guys dont get it that in some aspects its not like any other job. So he probably thought it was just ok to slip by and see you.
    I think you need to be blunt with him because he is not taking your clues.

    And even after you are blunt with him and he acts like this just tell him goodbye.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
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  3. #3
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    If he showed up uninvited and without warning at your club, I'd say you have a problem. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he MAY not know better. You are within your rights to tell him this is your job and you don't feel comfortable with him showing up. See how he reacts to that.

    Wait, just re-read your post. He calls "every day...usually more" for three months? Whoa. Problem. Tell him you're very involved with someone right now and that he's making you uncomfortable. Again, see how he reacts.

    Best o' luck.

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    Featured Member avacheetahs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    ^ This sounds like the beginnings of a stalker situation. Maybe he won't turn into a stalker, but it seems obvious he wants more than you can give and even if he is cool, he doesn't want to just be friends.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    I love Judge Judy.
    Keep it simple, Stupid!

    Tell him you're uncomfortable with the phone calls and the contact attempts in general. Tell him you'd like some space and that you're not interested in a relationship right now.

    If that goes over like a lead balloon, call on some seagulls.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bella21
    Really, I just want to be friends with this guy. I've known him for so long and he's a cool person. Um, that was all a couple of months ago and he calls me every day... at least once, usually more. I kept hoping that if I distanced myself a lot, he'd settle for just friends, ya know? Well, he showed up at my work yesterday... not by coincidence but to see me. Does anyone else have friends that do that? I'm tempted to put him under my pervert category and write him off. I THINK I told him I was dating someone last night to get him off my back... but I don't remember. Anyways, should I give up on this guy just being my friend? I need pointers!
    Have you bluntly told him that you want to be friends but are not interested in his romantic advances? It sounds like maybe you have not been absolutely clear about that, perhaps out of an attempt to spare his feelings... but in the long run, the best way to spare his feelings is probably being totally upfront about it. My attitude is, friends talk to each other, you should be able to tell your friends what is up with you... so tell him, in no uncertain terms... seems obvious he wants more but if you lay it on the line it will then be up to him to adjust his expectations... if he can't do that, then give up... imho

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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by dlabtot
    Have you bluntly told him that you want to be friends but are not interested in his romantic advances? It sounds like maybe you have not been absolutely clear about that, perhaps out of an attempt to spare his feelings... but in the long run, the best way to spare his feelings is probably being totally upfront about it. My attitude is, friends talk to each other, you should be able to tell your friends what is up with you... so tell him, in no uncertain terms... seems obvious he wants more but if you lay it on the line it will then be up to him to adjust his expectations... if he can't do that, then give up... imho
    What he said ^

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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by dlabtot
    Have you bluntly told him that you want to be friends but are not interested in his romantic advances? It sounds like maybe you have not been absolutely clear about that, perhaps out of an attempt to spare his feelings... but in the long run, the best way to spare his feelings is probably being totally upfront about it. My attitude is, friends talk to each other, you should be able to tell your friends what is up with you... so tell him, in no uncertain terms... seems obvious he wants more but if you lay it on the line it will then be up to him to adjust his expectations... if he can't do that, then give up... imho
    I third this.

    Guys are not socially subtle and they are not mind readers.

  9. #9
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by avacheetahs
    ^ This sounds like the beginnings of a stalker situation. Maybe he won't turn into a stalker, but it seems obvious he wants more than you can give and even if he is cool, he doesn't want to just be friends.

    Oh, puhleeze.


    A gal kisses and talks and sees a guy, telling him nothing about wanting space, and then is called a stalker for showing up one night oblivious to feelings she hasn't shared with him.

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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk
    Have you told him not to come into your work? I dont think guys dont get it that in some aspects its not like any other job. So he probably thought it was just ok to slip by and see you.
    I can hardly wait for the next "My boyfriend wants me to quit" thread to appear. This one is going in my scrap book.

    I think you need to be blunt with him because he is not taking your clues.
    It also means he isn't a game player but expects to be told things straight up.

    And even after you are blunt with him and he acts like this just tell him goodbye.
    AGREED!

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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deogol
    Oh, puhleeze.


    A gal kisses and talks and sees a guy, telling him nothing about wanting space, and then is called a stalker for showing up one night oblivious to feelings she hasn't shared with him.
    I think the "possible stalker" label was put on him because she said he calls her at least once a day, if not more. She definitely needs to say, "Woah, back up." But generally, people know better than to call someone they've only been in contact with for a few months.

    I second the possible stalker label too. Make sure you give him a firm NO. Only tell him once. He canNOT call you on a daily basis, he canNOT visit you at work, you are NOT intersted in a romantic relationship with him.
    Zis ees a dead profile! I'm now idreamofaislin!

  12. #12
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Love and affection, honey, but you are sending mixed messages. Assuming that you are hot and gorgeous and charming, OF COURSE he likes you. You invite him over, make out with him, talk to him every day, invite him back over and *sort of* make out with him, but don't act like you mean it and then try to act "distant". Mind games? I appreciate that may not be what you intended, but... if the shoe was on the other foot... He showed up to your work to see you BECAUSE he likes you, because you've encouraged him and he thought you liked him back and, then you started acting "distant" rather than level with the guy. So. Level with the guy.

    BTW - he's only a potential stalker if he is harassing her with his calls. That is - he has to know that they are unwelcome. I call my mum every day. I'm not stalking her.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny
    Love and affection, honey, but you are sending mixed messages. Assuming that you are hot and gorgeous and charming, OF COURSE he likes you. You invite him over, make out with him, talk to him every day, invite him back over and *sort of* make out with him, but don't act like you mean it and then try to act "distant". Mind games? I appreciate that may not be what you intended, but... if the shoe was on the other foot... He showed up to your work to see you BECAUSE he likes you, because you've encouraged him and he thought you liked him back and, then you started acting "distant" rather than level with the guy. So. Level with the guy.

    BTW - he's only a potential stalker if he is harassing her with his calls. That is - he has to know that they are unwelcome. I call my mum every day. I'm not stalking her.
    Nooo. I don't talk to him every day! I never pick up! I didn't come close to making out with him again after that one time. It's not like he directly asks me out... so I have a rough time of starting up a "lets just be friends" conversation... Um, which is why I haven't done it yet. I guess I just need to bite the bullet. Shit, I always have trouble with telling guys this stuff!
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  14. #14
    goldengrl69
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Drop him. He sounds like a weirdo. No male friend of mine calls me every day for months, while tryin to sneak in sum kisses. He's weird and want more than to be friends.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Honey, I'm not ragging on you. I'm just saying that there is a reasonable point of view from which what he is doing isn't weird and stalkerish. I know that it can be difficult to bring up a "Look - never going to happen" conversation, if for no other reason than if he hasn't brought it up first you sound kind of full of yourself (like, I know you haven't asked - but I'm not interested).
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    God/dess dlabtot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bella21
    Nooo. I don't talk to him every day! I never pick up!
    OK, I didn't realize that. If he's been calling you that much, for that long, and you never pick up.... that's weird, desperate, etc.... yeah, it's time to give up on him... past time

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    Member bianka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    from my experience then a guy won't call a girl unless he's intrested in dating her.he calls you once a day and he comes into your work . he doesn't want to just be friends if he calls that often. tell him to leave you alone. honestly if i was friends with someone then i would like it if they came to say hello to me at work sometimes.

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    Member bianka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    he kissed you and you kissed him . he hopes you actually like him . maybe you can be friends with him if he can get past liking you sexually.

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I Give Up On This "Friend"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny
    Honey, I'm not ragging on you. I'm just saying that there is a reasonable point of view from which what he is doing isn't weird and stalkerish. I know that it can be difficult to bring up a "Look - never going to happen" conversation, if for no other reason than if he hasn't brought it up first you sound kind of full of yourself (like, I know you haven't asked - but I'm not interested).
    Yea, lol. Exactly! Thanks for all your comments... I think I'll just take the chicken-route and act like I have a new bf and see what happens.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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