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Thread: my customer is scaring me

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default my customer is scaring me

    So this guy has been coming in to see me once or twice a week for the last few weeks. He's starting to make me really uncomfortable. He's right in the middle of a divorce -- when I met him, he had just moved out into his own apartment -- and seemed very sweet at first, just wanted someone to spend time with and talk to. But now he's fixated on me to a bizarre degree. I've never led him on; when he's asked me out, I just change the subject. But tonight he told me he thinks about me constantly and thinks we would have beautiful children. Then he asked me to marry him. I can't even remember what I said. I think I just started rambling about something else. It gives me the creeps. Obviously, I need to be blunt with him that I won't see him outside of the club. I don't usually have a problem being blunt, but this guy scares me...

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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    I would be nice, "Honey, that's sweet, but I would really like to take it slow." That way you're turning him down and there's no connection of actually doing anything. BUT if he gets creep again, say sorry and zip outta there.


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    Featured Member mild2wild's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Is he giving you $$ for your time?

    If you are uncomfortabel, then change your roster until you think he has gone away or found another girl to see!
    Australian Strippers WWW.MILD2WILD.COM.AU

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Yeah, he buys dances, so I do make decent money for the time I spend with him. I just kinda can't handle being on the receiving end of his weird infatuation. Am I being too sensitive?

  5. #5
    Cally
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Ugh he sounds like my stalker. Time to ditch him. Yea it sucks to lose the money but seriously is it worth the potential of him starting to stalk you and invade your personal life? Next thing you know he will find out your phone number and run a whole background check on you. Not cool. Im speaking from personal experiance here. Its not worth your own safety.

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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    I agree with Cally here. If he is a stalker, and frankly his saying you guys would make beautiful kids is freaky, then anything you do regardless of what you say is going to be taken as an invitation. I would very firmly say that there is no chance, at all, that you would ever see him outside of the club, and then I wouldn't dance for him in the club either. Trust your feelings. If you are feeling scared, and that is a big word to be using, trust your gut and cut him out.

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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Seconding what Cally said. Too many of us have been in this situation already and it never turns out to be ok if you keep it up. Best to write it off if he can't treat this as a business transaction.

    My stalker drove himself into a tree because I didn't have the nerve to stop his feelings dead in their tracks. Not something I take lightly. Never saw him OTC and never told him I would spend my life with him (he knew I was married at the time), but I didn't end it when it became obsessive and I blame myself for it. Oh he survived, but, in my mind, what if he didn't? That would have been a huge burden of guilt for me.

    Your gut doesn't lie Grace. There IS such a thing as womens' intuition. Listen to it and be safe hon.

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    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    taking a very blunt position ...

    Every dancer eventually reaches a 'dotted line' with certain repeat customers where the customer assumes that he is building a 'relationship' with that dancer. The dancer is then faced with a choice of not stepping across that 'dotted line' i.e. by telling the customer straight out that there is zero possibility of a 'relationship' and risking the loss of future earnings from that customer, or stepping across that 'dotted line' i.e. allowing the customer to continue / build on his incorrect assumptions in order to continue earnings which stem from that customer. IMHO crossing the 'dotted line' is an unethical business practice, but it certainly happens often and who am I to judge.

    What is not open to judgement or interpretation is the fact that customers who are allowed to continue / build on incorrect assumptions re building a 'relationship' with a dancer, and who are allowed to continue spending large amounts of money on that dancer in supposed pursuit of said 'relationship', are much more likely to create problems when a 'moment of truth' eventually arrives where the customer finally understands that the only real 'relationship' which exists is between the dancer and his wallet ! After the 'moment of truth' realization, such customers can react in many negative ways i.e. denial and stalking, actual intrusions into the dancer's personal life, anger and violence, indirect payback (false tips to cops / IRS etc.). Every dancer who crosses the 'dotted line' willingly assumes the risk that these sort of negative reactions will eventually result.

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    Featured Member xbloodydewdropx's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    i agree with all the others who said that you should stop dancing/talking to the guy. the money is not worth the problems it could cause you. a few years ago, there was this guy who became fixated on me at a club i was working at. he had it in his mind that we had a "relationship," and purchased my phone number from another dancer. then, he called me saying he was suicidal. i told him gently but firmly, to call a suicide hotline instead of me. soon after that, i quit that club and moved to another...i found out through the stripper grapevine that he became fixated on another girl eventually. i don't think he was ever dangerous (at least not to others, only to himself), but who knows.

    a year later, he found me at my other club, and said, "back in the day, we had something great going," but luckily he didn't come in after that.

    moral of this story: if this guy is getting weird, tell him straight out. if he reverts back to normal, this might have been a moment of weakness, and you can continue on as if it never happened. however, it's probably best to end things with him now. give him made-up reasons why things between you wouldn't work out to help gentle the blow: tell him you decided to become a lesbian, that you have mental problems, etc. lessen your value, in other words.

    good luck....and start documenting things he does/says in case you need a restraining order later on. and be safe!
    "Seeing the landscape at this superficial level only captures its boring uniformity, not allowing you to immerse yourself in the spirit of the place; for that you must stop at least several days."

    ~Che Guevara, "The Motorcycle Diaries"

  10. #10
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Normally I don't advise lying, but why not tell him one of your ex-flames has offered to take you on a vacation trip soon & you are SO excited, you've always carried a torch for this guy, blah, blah, blah....Make him get the impression that he has been edged out by another man instead of turning him down cold. Oddly men find this preferable than flat-out rejection.

    Good luck. I think most dancers have some variant of this situation happen.

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Time to end it Grace sweetie.....

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Grace, I think maybe a way to cushion the blow could be to start mentioning the word "fantasy". I wish I could recall how this came up recently in another thread, but it did . . . anyway, it could be a way of allowing him to save face. Am I making any sense here? You know, starting to say things like "Oh, yes, isn't it fun to fantasize about things like kids? I love that part of being a stripper! It's like playing house! What else do you want to do in our fantasy life together? Shall we live in the Hamptons or Boca?" etc. etc. You can continue to be smiley and flirtatious, but firm too.This way he has the option of responding back in a "Oh, yeah, ha ha . . . that's what I meant all along, sure . . . "

    BUT! This is only if you think the financial relationship is worth salvaging. If you really are getting freaked, I agree totally that you should follow your gut. No doubt.

    By the way, bloodydewdrop, the part that pisses me off the most in your story is the fact that another dancer SOLD you phone number to him?!? WTF? I hope you ripped her a new one. Fucking traitor!
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

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    Featured Member xbloodydewdropx's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseWhite
    Grace, I think maybe a way to cushion the blow could be to start mentioning the word "fantasy". I wish I could recall how this came up recently in another thread, but it did . . . anyway, it could be a way of allowing him to save face. Am I making any sense here? You know, starting to say things like "Oh, yes, isn't it fun to fantasize about things like kids? I love that part of being a stripper! It's like playing house! What else do you want to do in our fantasy life together? Shall we live in the Hamptons or Boca?" etc. etc. You can continue to be smiley and flirtatious, but firm too.This way he has the option of responding back in a "Oh, yeah, ha ha . . . that's what I meant all along, sure . . . "

    BUT! This is only if you think the financial relationship is worth salvaging. If you really are getting freaked, I agree totally that you should follow your gut. No doubt.

    By the way, bloodydewdrop, the part that pisses me off the most in your story is the fact that another dancer SOLD you phone number to him?!? WTF? I hope you ripped her a new one. Fucking traitor!
    yeah...she sold him my friggin number....i thought she was my friend, and that's why she had it. i would have "ripped her a new one," but for the fact that she left the club right after. i didn't know where she went. i think she went to new haven area (who knows...she might be dancing in your neck of the woods these days...grr)

    but, on another note, rosewhite, you give an excellent suggestion here. if th OP integrates the word "fantasy" into things, the whole thing will seem like an "innocent misunderstanding," which could lessen or eliminate the anger/unjustified betrayal felt by the stalker customer.
    "Seeing the landscape at this superficial level only captures its boring uniformity, not allowing you to immerse yourself in the spirit of the place; for that you must stop at least several days."

    ~Che Guevara, "The Motorcycle Diaries"

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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Some guys only last so long. His time is up b/c he's getting too wierd. Another one will come along and take his place. The money isnt worth creating headaches for both of you. If not take care of he could become a stalker or really fall in love with someone he will never have or both. Its just not healthy for either of you. He's too twisted up in the game.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



  15. #15
    Cally
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    This makes me keep thinking of my stalker..

    Started out a nice guy.. a little weird.. hes obviously a bit slow with his pop bottle glasses, greasey hair, smells like he rolls around in an ashtray.. always talks about strippers non stop(hes a member of this site actually) he thinks everyone loves him and hes convinced the dancers are his best friends(I still say the guy is a virgin unless he paid someone to sleep with him). Anyway he kept going on about wanting to see me outside the club, kept telling me how awesome I am, he would get upset when I wouldnt give him my phone number etc.. Well one day he looks at me while im dancing for him and goes 'I know where you live' then started reciting my credit history, my mans credit history, my address, where i've paid my bills, how I paid them, how much they were etc... some bitch at the club told him my number in return of him buying her shots The creepiest part was when he went 'I could show up at your place'. I was pissed and freaked.. he still lurks on here and I hope he reads this so he knows how much of a loser he is.

    Sorry this just got me thinking about him and yea... I really dont want this to happen to you. End it with him now before he gets out of hand.

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    God/dess Pretty_Penny's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    you need to tell him firmly, but kindly, that you are serious about not having a relationship with him. if he doesn't listen to you, then you need to up the "firmly" part and forget much of the "kindness".

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    The "fantasy" suggestion is good, and I actually do use it. I've given all sorts of subtle cues like this. Like when he tells me how much he wants to find a woman who will love him for himself, etc. etc. etc. I tell him I'm sure that he will someday -- i.e. it's not me. Sometimes he seems to get it, then he gets weird again. When he told me he'd been thinking about what our children would look like, that was kind of the last straw for me. I don't know if he's crazy or just very, very naive, but I'm through with it. I just hope he doesn't freak out on me when I tell him.

    I don't really like regulars that much anyway....grrrr.

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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk
    Some guys only last so long. His time is up b/c he's getting too wierd. Another one will come along and take his place. The money isnt worth creating headaches for both of you. If not take care of he could become a stalker or really fall in love with someone he will never have or both. Its just not healthy for either of you. He's too twisted up in the game.
    I've always believed this. Most regulars have a time limit. Get as much $$$ as you can before it gets weird like your customer has. When his time is up, you will find another one to replace him. I recently had one of mine tell me that he thinks of me all the time while he is at work and with his family! Now, instead of dancing, he just wants me to sit next to him and hold him (which I prefer to dancing). But if he says anything more like that, then his time is up.

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    God/dess twisterinAZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    You can only get about six months to a year out of a regular. Bow out now and find another. If he's talking about kids then this could get weird. Find another regular...

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    Senior Member Daniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxoGracexoxo
    Yeah, he buys dances, so I do make decent money for the time I spend with him. I just kinda can't handle being on the receiving end of his weird infatuation. Am I being too sensitive?
    No, not at all. Tell him you don't date customers, be very clear about it. The "fantasy" hint might not get through to him.

    He doesn't know any of your personal information, does he?

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Quote Originally Posted by Cally
    he still lurks on here and I hope he reads this so he knows how much of a loser he is.
    Inquiring minds want to know...

    Who the hell is it???????

  22. #22
    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Guys who are emotionally vulnerable, like going through a divorce, seem to get really attached to dancers they like. The saddest case I've seen was when a customer became obsessed with a friend of mine after his 5 year old daughter died of cancer he and his wife just weren't getting along, and he was there almost every night to see my friend. He would seriously come in and cry on her shoulder. She wasn't attracted to him, and as bad as she felt for him, he spent little money on her. She didn't know how to excuse herself to go make more money. After a while she started to feel like maybe he would bring up his daughter's death so much because he knew no one with any consideration would get up and walk away from someone pouring their heart out about their dead child. He'd buy drinks and tip her a little onstage, but that was it. Cheap therapy?

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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Many guys fall in love with a stripper.We look good, and are high maintenance in shape women. Their wives or ex wives are ugly, fat, and unkept. I had a customer like that before too. Many guys who spend a lot of money on us are doing so to warm us up for a real relationship, or a sugar daddy type.

    You just must tell the guy that he is nice, but no relationship can develop between you and him. Every guy who has his heart broken isn't necessarily a stalker, although some may just like guys we have dated in real life will try to convince us to be with them until they finally give up.

    All regulars have a shelf life. When you cannot string them along any more, it is time to burst their bubble.

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    Senior Member KittenCaboodle's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    Point to the biggest bouncer in the club and say "My boyfriend wouldnt understand"

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    God/dess LuckiCharm's Avatar
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    Default Re: my customer is scaring me

    good luck with your problem and keep us posted on what happens!

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