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Thread: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    They want kids, houses and sex. And they want women, too -- but not in the form of wives. Not until they're older.

    So says the latest study to probe the minds of America's young men, aged 25 to 33. The study found 10 reasons men won't commit -- from the ease of finding sex partners to the desire to avoid financial risks of divorce.

    Men do want to marry and have children eventually, the study found, and men greatly value the institution of marriage. But they love their single life and experience few of the traditional pressures from church, employers or society that once encouraged them to marry. Then, too, living together gives men many of the benefits of marriage without the obligations, the study said. And society accepts cohabitation.

    Continue... http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationshi...mentid=1070537

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    God/dess krchab99's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    This is sad. From that artical men are very fearful there releinship will fail. With that attuitude why even bother dateing.

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Yea, but "The majority of the men are employed full-time with reported annual incomes between $21,000 and $35,000." With that kind of income, I wouldn't want to get married, either!
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Same here. I want to be financially safe and sound before I bring someone else into this world. I'm still in college and building up a great deal of debt... I'll be in my mid-twenties before I even get out of school. Probably will want to get married and have kids before 30 though.
    Isocrates: “Democracy destroys itself because it abuses its right to freedom and equality. Because it teaches its citizens to consider audacity as a right, lawlessness as a freedom, abrasive speech as equality, and anarchy as progress.”

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    Featured Member Prester_John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Vyanka
    They want kids, houses and sex. And they want women, too -- but not in the form of wives. Not until they're older.

    So says the latest study to probe the minds of America's young men, aged 25 to 33. The study found 10 reasons men won't commit -- from the ease of finding sex partners to the desire to avoid financial risks of divorce.

    Men do want to marry and have children eventually, the study found, and men greatly value the institution of marriage. But they love their single life and experience few of the traditional pressures from church, employers or society that once encouraged them to marry. Then, too, living together gives men many of the benefits of marriage without the obligations, the study said. And society accepts cohabitation.

    Continue... http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationshi...mentid=1070537
    It sounds like younger men what to have their cake and eat it too - everything involved with being in a marriage - kids, house, women, sex, etc, but with a saftey valve of not being legal bound so they can bail if push comes to shove.

    I think thats actually despicable.

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    I think alot ppl lost the true meaning of marriage. It's suppose to celebrate the love two ppl have for one another. Nothing else and nothing more.

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    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Yeah that pisses me off, too, Prester_john. It feels very dishonest.

    I also hate that they're SO PARANOID a woman will "destroy" them financially if they get divorced. Sign a prenup or take some xanax...

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    Senior Member BlindGroping's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    A good friend of mine once told me that he got married and had kids early. for only one reason.
    He wanted them grown and out of the house so that he could enjoy the time after that and not be to old for it.
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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    No, Vyanka, it's a legal contract to protect children and joint assets. You can celebrate love any way you please but liscensing and contracts are necessary when creating children who need a minimum of 18 years care.

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    Veteran Member wonderkitty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    I got one who's 37 and doesn't want to commit (as in he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend). Here I was thought dating an older man would be better...

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    Senior Member BlindGroping's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by wonderkitty
    I got one who's 37 and doesn't want to commit (as in he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend). Here I was thought dating an older man would be better...
    iT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU JUST HAVE AN OLDER GUY THAT WANTS SEX WITH A STRIPPER, BUT NO REAL RELATIONSHIP.

    (sorry, caps lock)
    I'm here just for the food.

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist
    No, Vyanka, it's a legal contract to protect children and joint assets. You can celebrate love any way you please but liscensing and contracts are necessary when creating children who need a minimum of 18 years care.
    That's what it is now.

    I don't know, marriage these days doesn't make sense to me anymore. People say the word marriage and these words come to mind = "future divorce" It shouldn't be that way.

    Marriage is suppose to happen once. I don't believe in divorce.

    My two cents

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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    The funny thing is I was all ready to applaud them for wanting to wait until they were financially and emotionally ready. Then there's the kicker that they want to have kids but be able to leave if 'necessary'. Yikes! Why can't they join Big Brothers if they want to rent-a-kid?

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    God/dess krchab99's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    I also find it sad that they think sex is so much easier to get now a days they don't have to get married to get layed on a regular basis.

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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Maybe it's a good thing. Everyone shouldn't have kids. These guys don't have an interest in caring for another and don't earn enough to support a child. They're Gamma men. You know how you have Alpha males who rule--these are Gamma men who subsist on the unwitting leftovers but do not mate.

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    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Vyanka
    That's what it is now.

    I don't know, marriage these days doesn't make sense to me anymore. People say the word marriage and these words come to mind = "future divorce" It shouldn't be that way.

    Marriage is suppose to happen once. I don't believe in divorce.

    My two cents
    I wholeheartedly agree. I don't believe in divorce unless infidelity, abuse, newfound homosexuality, or unresolvable depression comes to surface during the marriage.

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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    I'm in agreement that some of the reasons men don't want to get married are selfish, but just the same some of the reasons women DO want to get married are equally selfish.

    Maybe its because I've seen too many marriage mistakes made by my older siblings and high school friends, or too many guys at my job who are working overtime so they can afford to eat after making their "spousal maintenence" payments, but I think that I've been very smart to hold out.

    The fact is, that when I DO commit, I want a partner who will give me the best possible assurance that its till death do us part. Call me a romanticist, but there's something very right about that, and I don't think that its unreasonable to demand it.
    Former SCJ now in rehab.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by krchab99
    This is sad. From that artical men are very fearful there releinship will fail. With that attuitude why even bother dateing.
    Because if you fail in a marriage, it's a lot more complicated to get out.

    I pretty much agree with these men. I'm so scared of getting divorced and even more afraid of being a single mom. This is the number one reason I don't want kids. I refuse to raise them alone and since I can't be sure, I'd rather just not have them altogether.

    But I also think marriage is a worse deal for women. We are often expected to have our roles change when we get married (to caretaker). Men still have a career and are able to start over a lot easier than women if it doesn't work. I'm afraid to lose my autonomy.

    So it confuses me that women are so eager to marry. You lose so much of yourself while the man sacrifices very little.

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist
    The funny thing is I was all ready to applaud them for wanting to wait until they were financially and emotionally ready. Then there's the kicker that they want to have kids but be able to leave if 'necessary'. Yikes! Why can't they join Big Brothers if they want to rent-a-kid?
    yeah, wtf is that......


    oh wait, a deadbeat dad.

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Well, one more reason not to move in with your boyfriend. Or, to at least wait a really really long time.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Veteran Member wonderkitty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by BlindGroping
    iT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU JUST HAVE AN OLDER GUY THAT WANTS SEX WITH A STRIPPER, BUT NO REAL RELATIONSHIP.

    (sorry, caps lock)
    I'd believe that except I'm not a stripper And if the guy doesn't want a real relationship he shouldn't be calling every day!

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    Veteran Member christian211's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    Because if you fail in a marriage, it's a lot more complicated to get out.

    I pretty much agree with these men. I'm so scared of getting divorced and even more afraid of being a single mom. This is the number one reason I don't want kids. I refuse to raise them alone and since I can't be sure, I'd rather just not have them altogether.

    But I also think marriage is a worse deal for women. We are often expected to have our roles change when we get married (to caretaker). Men still have a career and are able to start over a lot easier than women if it doesn't work. I'm afraid to lose my autonomy.

    So it confuses me that women are so eager to marry. You lose so much of yourself while the man sacrifices very little.

    Emily, so true. People who say marriage doesn't change anything are full of crap. I don't recommend it I love my hubby to death, but to do again, would not get married, just live together forever. It's my own fault, though. I let him get away w/ doing nothing but working. I figure, I should just be happy he does that.
    I think moreso having kids together than being married is what really changes everything. JMO
    Christian

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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    I pretty much agree with these men. I'm so scared of getting divorced and even more afraid of being a single mom. This is the number one reason I don't want kids. I refuse to raise them alone and since I can't be sure, I'd rather just not have them altogether.

    But I also think marriage is a worse deal for women. We are often expected to have our roles change when we get married (to caretaker). Men still have a career and are able to start over a lot easier than women if it doesn't work. I'm afraid to lose my autonomy.

    So it confuses me that women are so eager to marry. You lose so much of yourself while the man sacrifices very little.
    AMEN, sister!!! I can't understand why young (18-25) women seem to rush into marriage or worse 'baby daddy' drama. That romantic flush is delicious but why risk poverty by being a single mother? Why deny that parenthood is an expensive an exhausting job? Why have kids with someone whodoesn't care enough to wed? Date, shop around!!!

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    Veteran Member azcustomer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    While it may be sad to many of the pinkies, the article was actually a kind commentary on the sad state of affairs for men these days.

    We're just getting into the third generation of families in America after the divorce rate more than doubled in the late sixties/early seventies. During the first two generations, women struggled for their rights to careers while being the primary caregiver to the children.

    So why wonder why young men want to wait after witnessing the grand disenfranchisement of marriage to their preceding generations of men? In many marriages, men's wants and desires for the 'family' are heavily discounted as popular media has painted us as being unable to be domesticated or raise our kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    I pretty much agree with these men. I'm so scared of getting divorced and even more afraid of being a single mom. This is the number one reason I don't want kids. I refuse to raise them alone and since I can't be sure, I'd rather just not have them altogether.
    The challenge is finding the relationship where the man in your life shows interest and vision for his/your kids, rather than just being a 'mealticket', which society at large has attempted to brainwash us into being.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    But I also think marriage is a worse deal for women. We are often expected to have our roles change when we get married (to caretaker). Men still have a career and are able to start over a lot easier than women if it doesn't work. I'm afraid to lose my autonomy.
    Societal expectations that the man be the primary breadwinner is a knife that cuts two ways. First, it hinders some women from establishing their own career/place in the breadwinning society. Second, if and when there is a divorce, the man is expected to "make up the difference" in earning potential - as well as paying to have his kids raised by someone he can no longer live with. With the divorce rate so high, and the general attitudeds towards men being so nasty, why would any young man be interested in making a marriage commitment?
    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    So it confuses me that women are so eager to marry. You lose so much of yourself while the man sacrifices very little.
    I think it depends upon the relationship. In many failed relationships, one side gives up more of their identity in an attempt to make it work. If the man is overbearing, the woman gives up her identity. If the woman is overbearing, the man gives up his identity. At the end of the day, in a divorce, it is the person who gave up too much of themselves that loses out as they are left to peice back their lives again.

    In a healthy relationship, you grow together. IMO, I don't want a stay at home mom for my kids after they reach a certain age. I want my wife to work at least some time in the real world of give and take that is working. Otherwise, you run the risk of her becoming too much of an idealogue at home. (you know, one of those "I know how the world should work" Oprah worshippers)

    Ideals are great to read and try to apply to your life. But at the end of the day, implementation of ideals in the real world is cost prohibitive.

    I've been saying for about 6 years now that the pendulum has swung about as far to one side as it can in a traditional marriage, causing any rational man to abandon the thought.


    "Life is not about the number of breaths you take.
    It's about those moments which leave you breathless."

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage

    While it may be sad to many of the pinkies, the article was actually a kind commentary on the sad state of affairs for men these days.
    Agreed, AZC. I read the article and a great deal of it resonates with me personally.

    Emily, I agree with the bulk of your post except:

    Originally Posted by Emily

    So it confuses me that women are so eager to marry. You lose so much of yourself while the man sacrifices very little.
    The contrary is true; men sacrifice nothing, risk nothing until they get married. It is only once they're married that they expose themselves to long-term financial and/or legal risk, some of which can be egregiously punitive and without recourse.

    Moreover, once children are injected into the equation, the role of the man becomes secondary to that of the children in the eyes of his wife. This is pretty normal and has some obvious benefits, but more extreme examples of this behavior can be damaging to the fundamentals of the adult relationship.

    The only reason I'd ever marry is for the sake of having children, and I'm not looking to have kids at this point. There's a lot of 35-year old men out there like myself in this regard--there's no point in marrying if you're not leaning toward raising kids. Then there's my complete aversion to monogomous relationships, which is a complicating factor since it's pure anathema to most people (men and women), but one I've managed to deal with relatively successfully.

    I also find it sad that they think sex is so much easier to get now a days they don't have to get married to get layed on a regular basis
    It's true; sex is not difficult to get (though it should be said that good sex is very hard to find), but I fail to see where the problem is with regard to the ease of procuring sex. Sex is an absolutely horrible reason for anyone of either gender to get married.

    I've been saying for about 6 years now that the pendulum has swung about as far to one side as it can in a traditional marriage, causing any rational man to abandon the thought.
    Well said. Marriage is practically a suicide pact in the minds of many men today, and not without good reason.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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