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Thread: OH MY F-ING GOD.. the parody

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default OH MY F-ING GOD.. the parody

    The recent theft post about a girl taking a customer's 5K(whether it is true or not) reminds me of a story that happened at my work recently. I am going to write this as a kinda creative writing, in 1st person viewpoint of someone at my work. This is based on a TRUE story. Tell me how stupid you think this is!

    "Like OMG, I am a cook for a small neighborhood strip club. I think I'm hot shit even though I'm not all that good looking enough to dance. I'm 22 yrs old and I just started working as the daytime cook. I think my life is so tragic, and I don't count my blessings that I have a job, available food at work, and an actual place to live.

    One day, I was tired of making money the old-fashioned way by working for it. I wanted these soooo fashionable jeans at Wal-mart that were like sooo classy! So one day, I noticed only two girls dancing. The one had been working hard by herself for two hours already, and then a second girl came in for an "on-call" shift. She was rushing to get in and in quite a frenzy. Both girls were very busy because they were the only dancers at the time working. So instead of using the office bathroom that's closer to my kitchen, I stealthily went into the dancers' dressing room and used their bathroom there. In the dressing room, they don't have lockers or any type of secure place for purses. While I was there, I rummaged my paws through one dancer's corduroy purse and dug through a collection of cards in her wallet as if I was a hungry rodent. I saw a Visa Platinum card, something I'll never qualify for because I'm a deadbeat who can't pay her bills! I quickly pocketed this and then shortly after, ran out the back door and scurried out of sight.

    The next morning, I headed to like, the most classy establishment in the world...Wal-Mart! It's like, such a convenient store because it's only 0.2mi up the road from work! First, I went to the front self check-out line with a pair of Big Girl jeans to make sure the card worked...cha-ching! A few minutes later, I went to electronics to buy a $100 phone card. Haha no one will catch on to me! It's not like they electronically monitor credit card transactions! It's not like credit cards have websites where you can monitor up-to-the-minute activity on one's card! It's not like anyone at Wal-Mart would catch me buying the phone card on camera! I'm invincible weeeeeeeee! A few minutes later, I went to White Trash Mart to buy some useless crap...but oh no, the credit card didn't work! I wonder why! After that, I walked the short distance to work, wearing the same gray sweatshirt that I'd worn while shopping at Wal-Mart.

    That day and the next day were a bit alarming though. Later that day, the SHERIFF walked into my work! Aaaaahh!!! According to the semi-gossiping bartender, he was here to investigate a particular theft. I just hid in the corner and hoped he didn't notice me. The next day at work, the same girl who I'd stolen the card from came in. Because I'm a lazy ass who doesn't know the concept of 'work ethic,' I spent most of my shift sitting with two hard-head customers. The one was about 50yrs old, big, burly, fake tan, blonde mustache, biker style...how hot!!! He's like, my dream man! When the girl who I'd stolen the card from approached our side of the bar, I told the burly man and the other asshole sitting next to me to be curt with her and only tip her $1 instead of the usual $3. Haha she totally deserves it for being so cruel and inhumane as to cancel her credit card before I bought my trinkets at White Trash Mart LLC.

    I also asked her how she was doing and that it was "so bad" that her credit card was stolen. I was hoping that she'd respond that she was totally upset, but instead she confused me. She kinda laughed in an overly confident way and said, "Eh, doesn't matter too much, it's not like I'm liable for any of the charges. Doesn't affect me any. It's not my problem now and it's in the cop's hands." I then tried to ask her if it ruined her day, and she reponded with, "What, maybe like 10mins or something." What? I was hoping that she'd be DEVASTATED that I took her card! I was so angry that she was playing it cool, that I told both of the assholes on either side of me to keep being cheap and to give her glaring looks too. When the burly biker guy gave her a mean look and a growl, she literally laughed in his face and the (unintentional?) spit from her laugh almost went in his eye.

    The next few days I kinda hid out. The sheriff returned to show managers a tape of the stolen merchandise being bought at a Wal-Mart cash register. Even though I'm the only girl in the place with a rat-like face, they won't catch me! They won't be able to catch on that I was the one who stole the card! I'm so confident that they won't catch me, that that's why I blew off the rest of my work shifts for the week to hide out and hope the whole thing blows over."

    Pretty stupid story, huh? In reality, that story was a true story...the girl who the cook stole the credit card from was me. Maybe my story was a bit mocking, but can't say she doesn't deserve it. As for the credit card, little did that stupid bitch know that I checked my online card statement and observed a mysterious pending charge literally 2mins after she made her first Wal-Mart purchase. And yeah, eventually I should be able to get the charges removed from my card, but I WAS lying when I said it only took 10mins of my time and these charges are gonna appear on my statement and kinda wreck my statement balance. Just wanted to show you how stupid some criminals are. Since then, I've been carrying cheap stuff in my purse(leaving my wallet at home) and carrying my car keys in my money bag. I learned to be more careful with my stuff when a club doesn't have security of belongings, but hopefully this girl will learn that she messed with the wrong girl!

  2. #2
    God/dess PaigeDWinter's Avatar
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    Default Re: OH MY F-ING GOD.. the parody

    A few years back I was a manager at a porn shop. We still used those old swipe machines for credit cards, (the one where it makes a rubbing of the card), along with the standard credit/debit terminals. One of our brainless employees kept one of the transfer papers and decided to buy some toys for his lady.


    Dur #1: To use the card in the same store you stole the # from

    Dur #2: To do it all on camera

    Dur #3: to brag about it to other employees



    Number of times Rickrolled on stage: 6
    *******************************

    Marasmus ... "Ladies don't fart. They butt-laugh."
    Marasmus says, "Oh no, that wasn't gas, it was merely a rectal chuckle."

    Marek says, "A friend of mine got punched in the face by a dominatrix stripper about two weeks ago and I thought of you."

  3. #3
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: OH MY F-ING GOD.. the parody

    ^ Yeah, I know of at least THREE crimes committed by people I once knew, where they wondered why they got caught after bragging to half the town about it:
    Guy 1: He stole $500 from this nice little old lady teacher at our high school, and bragged about it.
    Guy 2he actually went to alternative high school with Guy 1 after Guy 1 got expelled) He stole two cars from the repair shop he worked at, had them driven down to his secondary home town, and bragged all over town about it.
    Guy 3: At age 22, him and his friend were drinking with a 15-yr-old girl, called her mom pretending to be a parent of her high school girl friend and asked if the daughter could stay over, then drank with the girl and took advantage of her. Again, he bragged all over town that he'd tricked the girl's mother into letting her stay with him so he could get underage pussy.

    As far as this stupid bitch at my work, she was so stupid to steal a credit card! Especially considering that I obsessive compulsively watch my credit card statements like a hawk(she didn't know this about me, though). Hopefully they will crack down and arrest her already. I'm not saying I want her to get a stiff sentence, but at least get intimidated a bit in front of a judge, and maybe get ARD or something(ARD=for first time offenders, you complete a probation program and upon successful completion, it gets erased from your record). Also, I want her to get fired. Even if I don't have to pay the charges, and she gets arrested, I don't want her being all smug knowing that she kept her job and I'm stuck working with her ass. If she stays, I can't promise that I'll be very nice to her, to say the least.

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