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Thread: Craigslist Stripper Rant

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Laylas's Avatar
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    Default Craigslist Stripper Rant

    Found in the "Best Of" section...#17 & #23 are my faves

    1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It's a fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already.

    2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.

    3) You with the thick-ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh?

    4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

    5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.

    6) No I will not just let you "slip it in real quick" for $50 more bucks.

    7) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.

    8 )If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.

    9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.

    11) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all, your breath ranks (what'd you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you're about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don't give a shit.

    12) Don't bitch at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.

    13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.

    14) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.

    15 )Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.

    16) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!

    17) "So what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance with guys in dark pants.

    18 ) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!! That's extra.

    19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!

    20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious perfume before our dance.

    21) Hey cheapasses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to "Desperate Housewives" instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.

    22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that's why.

    23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.

    24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you stupid mutherfucker!

    25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.

    26) I can see it's your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girls don't have to do "extra services." I can give you some recommendations for a small fee.

    27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.

    28 ) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.

    29)Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more.

    30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It's like me going to PETA looking for a steak.

    31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.

    32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't know all the words.

    33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size.

    34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell like lapdance funk.

    35) Hey DJ! You suck!

    36)Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking dancing llama on your ass is so lame.

    37)Girls--some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are, you fucking weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men, or Bjork. For the love of God, Please.

  2. #2
    Featured Member Sunshine73's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    I love the "best of " on CL. There are some good ones on there.
    Quote Originally Posted by Picaresque View Post
    Maria Callas said it best: "When my critics stop hissing, I shall know I'm slipping."

  3. #3
    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    At least she's not bitter.
    Check out my new eBay auctions.......

  4. #4
    Member Riley21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    haha, I've seen a girl dance to Hakuna Matata.

    I really love #1 and #5

  5. #5
    Senior Member destiny2980's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    I couldnt have said it better!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    I think we had this as a thread before because I remember this when I first started dancing and didn't really understand all of it, but now that I've been dancing, I can laugh my ass off on this, it's soooo funny!!!!!

  7. #7
    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    yaeh, this has come up before

    and the waitress rant, which is equally funny.

  8. #8
    God/dess Pretty_Penny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    hey i dance to bjork -AND- i sing along. lol

  9. #9
    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    hilarious!

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


  10. #10
    Veteran Member Laylas's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    #27 kind of creeps me out...what's up with that, anyway? That happens to me constantly...

  11. #11
    God/dess PleasureVictim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    She was right about the sharpie thing. I'm cracking up now.

  12. #12
    Veteran Member sassfire's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    Awww the universal life of a stripper.

  13. #13
    Member Riley21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    They need to add, "Please don't tell me I look like your daughter/neice/granddaughter, then ask me for a dance. It's creepy."

  14. #14
    Featured Member Katherine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    OMG! How funny!!! I love it!! Thanks!!

  15. #15
    Veteran Member Cameo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    Quote Originally Posted by Riley21
    They need to add, "Please don't tell me I look like your daughter/neice/granddaughter, then ask me for a dance. It's creepy."
    I know exactly what you mean... sooo creepy! Especially when they show you a picture.

  16. #16
    Kaiyla
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    Default Re: Craigslist Stripper Rant

    LOVE it.

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