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Thread: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

  1. #1
    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    ok, so i never need relationship advice (other than directly from 1 good friend's mouth) but now i need to hear it from all of you.

    HELP!

    im seeing someone now (O) for about 3.5 months. we are exclusive (not boyfriend-gf) for a good while now, more than 2 months. Before he and i re-met** each other, i was sleeping with a friend of mine, J. well, when O and I have been chilllin with a group of friends, it's usually his (and they like me, have friended me on myspace and his best friend wants me to get O to go with us 2-the best friend and i- to europe). My friends are always telling me how i go MIA and all this and i end up committing to a party where J will be at to bring O. J and i are still pretty close as friends, and since O and i have been even seeing each other J hasn't been over here at all to my place to hang just us two. we do still talk online all the time, but that's neither here nor there.

    I like O. a lot. i could see potential for growth. i want him to be my boyfriend, be committed to me. he takes time to adjust, he needs to take things slowly, and i am being as understanding as possible with that.

    now the ** = when i was 14 O was my boyfriend back then. I was a slutty little child and when off at summer camp I cheated on him having sex for the first time with some russian dude who i never saw again. and then *kicks self retrospectively* I TOLD o!!! I didnt tell him it was sex, no, his friend who i went to shcool with that i was friends with told him that. *shakes head at my own mess* so NOW, flashing forward, O is having trust issues.
    Ladies, i have said it all. "I am freaking 25 years old! I am not the same whore/child/immature girl i once was! That was over ten years ago! People Change!"

    Fast forward to the party. J is there. O is too. im drunk (and i dont drink, almost ever, im a water-at-work girl) and sloppy and apparently there is a conversation abotu whether J is black and (he acts uber white) he turns to me and says, "Am i black?" and drunken me says, "In bed he is!" *my foot tastes pretty bad*
    *slaps self* and above all... i didnt remember this. J told me tonight when i mentioned that O was having trust issues re: upcoming weekend a bunch of us going to wedding and J is one of them.

    WHAT DO I DO?! shoudl i write/verbally say apology to O profusely apologizing and saying how dumb and stupid i feel or do i let it go? Right now as it stands, he says that he doesnt want to knwo about the weekend's events at all. liek, dont mention them at all or bring them up.

    Love it!

  2. #2
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    I think you are gonna have to write this one off.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Hi Chrissy68,

    Hehehe j/k guys

    Ok, so let's recap. You like O enough to see a potential future. You like J for when O isn't there

    I mean I'm reading this Chrissy, and I am trying my hardest to weed through the side points to the common denominator so correct me if I am wrong.

    You like J for fun or did, but there is nothing now... but you're still close
    You like O for potential however when you where 14 you cheated on him and somehow that has lingering effect that may have been brought to the surface when you mentioned sleeping with J?

    Am I right?

    My first piece of advice: Stop dating boys. Date Men.

    See look, you should see a shiney red flag when anyone uses something from 11 YEARS AGO as a basis for distrust today. ESPECIALLY WITH A HUGE GAP OF TIME IN THE MIDDLE WHERE YOU TWO DIDN'T TALK.

    I dig J, he seems secure enough to not really care, he knows you'll be around so I'm sure that's why you feel comfortable with talking to him about O, however, this only perpetrates O's fear even further.

    This situation is entirely manageable, but the fulcrum is you and your willingness to see the situation for what it really is. It's not fair to yourself (what matters most) if you're sacrificing your time and energy to bridge the gap between an ex-lover/friend and potential lover based upon one's clear inability to come to terms with the possibility that people grow up.

    I don't like the part where "He needs time to adjust" For what? Commitment? How can he possibly learn to trust you if he doesn't give you a chance to earn it?

    I'm sure I am 100% misinformed about O, and I apologize for offending you, but it sounds like O is looking for reasons to cut rope and run as soon as you give him a inkling he needs to. It's very shady at best Chrissy.

    I know it's harsh advice, but this O guy seems like he's not worth your time.

    And secondly, if he throws a bitchfit at the thought of you having slept with someone else... and still being friends, he's insecure... and it will come through worse in spades as the relationship progresses and you grow more attached.

    You shouldn't have to over compensate your actions for anyone. They either like you as they are or they don't. No matter how great he is, there is 100s like him, thousands better.

    Mast


    Quote Originally Posted by Chrissy68
    ok, so i never need relationship advice (other than directly from 1 good friend's mouth) but now i need to hear it from all of you.

    HELP!

    im seeing someone now (O) for about 3.5 months. we are exclusive (not boyfriend-gf) for a good while now, more than 2 months. Before he and i re-met** each other, i was sleeping with a friend of mine, J. well, when O and I have been chilllin with a group of friends, it's usually his (and they like me, have friended me on myspace and his best friend wants me to get O to go with us 2-the best friend and i- to europe). My friends are always telling me how i go MIA and all this and i end up committing to a party where J will be at to bring O. J and i are still pretty close as friends, and since O and i have been even seeing each other J hasn't been over here at all to my place to hang just us two. we do still talk online all the time, but that's neither here nor there.

    I like O. a lot. i could see potential for growth. i want him to be my boyfriend, be committed to me. he takes time to adjust, he needs to take things slowly, and i am being as understanding as possible with that.

    now the ** = when i was 14 O was my boyfriend back then. I was a slutty little child and when off at summer camp I cheated on him having sex for the first time with some russian dude who i never saw again. and then *kicks self retrospectively* I TOLD o!!! I didnt tell him it was sex, no, his friend who i went to shcool with that i was friends with told him that. *shakes head at my own mess* so NOW, flashing forward, O is having trust issues.
    Ladies, i have said it all. "I am freaking 25 years old! I am not the same whore/child/immature girl i once was! That was over ten years ago! People Change!"

    Fast forward to the party. J is there. O is too. im drunk (and i dont drink, almost ever, im a water-at-work girl) and sloppy and apparently there is a conversation abotu whether J is black and (he acts uber white) he turns to me and says, "Am i black?" and drunken me says, "In bed he is!" *my foot tastes pretty bad*
    *slaps self* and above all... i didnt remember this. J told me tonight when i mentioned that O was having trust issues re: upcoming weekend a bunch of us going to wedding and J is one of them.

    WHAT DO I DO?! shoudl i write/verbally say apology to O profusely apologizing and saying how dumb and stupid i feel or do i let it go? Right now as it stands, he says that he doesnt want to knwo about the weekend's events at all. liek, dont mention them at all or bring them up.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  4. #4
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Quote Originally Posted by Deogol
    I think you are gonna have to write this one off.
    Know what get's me most?

    That in this day and age this can be said:

    "well, when O and I have been chilllin with a group of friends, it's usually his (and they like me,"

    And this is used as proper justification:

    "have friended me on myspace"

    I mean it's cool and all, but it just makes me laugh.... cause it means nothing, yet soooo much.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Well, Chrissy....like I told you earlier (I'm cheating because we're best friends and I've got inside info)

    He trusts you or he doesn't. Until you give him legitimate reason not to trust you, then he has no right to act like that. So what you slept with other guys before him? And so what if he thinks his penis is smaller than one of them?

    If he can't get over what you did when you were 14, he's not going to get over it anytime soon either. I mean, he decided he wanted to be with you years later. He obviously got over it....right? And add that you're a stripper (I know we've discussed that he has absolutely no problem with it, but you never know how these things manifest into problems that didn't previously exist.)

    You said something stupid, but he says stupid shit all the time and you're just supposed to deal with it.

    And mast, you have no idea how right you are about the myspace factor. Actions on there seem to play a big part in their relationship.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    I agree with Mast's predictions 100%. If he is still having issues with the cheating incident from 11 years ago, he won't ever get past it. And, he is already having commitment issues? You are still in the honeymoon time, so if there's anything really there, neither of you would be having those issues yet. This problem will manifest in many ways and you will be in for one helluva rocky relationship, at best, with this one. I'd let him go. There are many other fish in the sea - others who won't be pre-judging you based on something you did as a CHILD.

    I know full well how tempting it is to try and make him understand, to want to win him over. I have the same tendency. But it's much better to just let it go - I speak from experience.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

  7. #7
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    Well, Chrissy....like I told you earlier (I'm cheating because we're best friends and I've got inside info)

    He trusts you or he doesn't. Until you give him legitimate reason not to trust you, then he has no right to act like that. So what you slept with other guys before him? And so what if he thinks his penis is smaller than one of them?

    If he can't get over what you did when you were 14, he's not going to get over it anytime soon either. I mean, he decided he wanted to be with you years later. He obviously got over it....right? And add that you're a stripper (I know we've discussed that he has absolutely no problem with it, but you never know how these things manifest into problems that didn't previously exist.)

    You said something stupid, but he says stupid shit all the time and you're just supposed to deal with it.

    And mast, you have no idea how right you are about the myspace factor. Actions on there seem to play a big part in their relationship.
    Not to read too deep into things, but would I be right if I said that it sounds like she's too busy trying to go to him instead of realizing it should be him coming to her at this point?

    I mean it's clear in the "read-between-the-lines" kind of way that she's frustrated because she's MORE THAN met him half way and still has to deal with these juvenile machinations.

    I don't understand how some guys get a girl to act towards them like this, and even if I did, why would I want it. It just seems so fucking retarded and userous to concsistently plague one's attention with the notion that, for whatever reason, it's not enough.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  8. #8
    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    yeah....I've accused him of being passive-agressive before. I think he's doing it again.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    I believe there was a sticky of 40 Things Every Woman Should Know somewhere on this site. Now seems a perfect time to bring those up for inclusion on this issue.
    Last edited by DJ Machismo; 11-08-2006 at 11:22 AM.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

  10. #10
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Or we could just help her out directly with input.

    But still, this guy must have some crazy smooth going on.

    I know EVERY woman I've dated would kick my ass to the curb the second I tried to pull any of this crazy shit.

    But then again, I think they just know I never would. Or says something good about them.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  11. #11
    Featured Member Fawn's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    I'm in agreance with he is being passive - aggressive, and somewhat emotionally abusive. Earlier this week someone posted a link about emotional abuse in the lounge. This story hits a lot of those marks. Check it out.
    " Remember during each test there is some girl in Australia jealous of you who wants to do what you're doing."- Lilithmorrigan

    " If you're young and sexy, why not spend a few years
    Shopping and Fucking? Life is short, but youth is shorter. Ride the wheels off, I say." - FeministStripper

  12. #12
    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    i htink mast is right that i need to let him come to me, but i did screw up in the way in which i told him J and i slept together. maybe i shoulda told him before. and yes, i laugh a tthe myspace stuff being so *very* important to him (what emily means is that he wouldnt let me put him in top 8, and now has FINALLY allowed me to put up a pic of us. which, i agree is incredibly controlling and manipulative.)
    on a good note, the democrats have the House! (that's about the only thing cheering me up right now).

    so was that a no-go on the written apology fot eh way i behaved at the party (apparently i was flirty when drunnk which i truly bet i was)

    Love it!

  13. #13
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Wait. Stop. Stop.

    You're a woman. You're allowed to have sex, You're allowed to do it with many people, and you're allowed to be friends with your lovers if you choose. You're allowed to chat with them, you're allowed to talk about sex with them, you're allowed to even be drunk and call them black when in bed.

    If anyone sees that as anything but the facts of life, truley does not appreciate you for you, and will demand you behave in his presence in a way that he can tolerate. I.E. controlling.

    All I am saying Chrissy, is demand equality.

    DO YOU BELIEVE he's never ever slept with anyone else? DO YOU BELIEVE he doesn't talk to any of them? DO YOU BELIEVE that if he does they NEVER talk about the sex?

    Just, demand equal playing fields... you deserve that.

    Seriously, if it bothers him, tell him to grow up, and call you when he wants to be a reasonable adult.

    I dated a girl over the summer who dated not one, but 2 of my best friends. Didn't come up once, and I was more impressed in her choice in men. None of my friends and I ever talked about it in a negative fashion, and she was very open and friendly with each of them. Too bad she had to move. She was a very sexual person, but very mature. And still maintains contact with all three of us regularly.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  14. #14
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    oh and yes,
    no go on the apology.
    Even if O was unaware of the sex between you and J, or how you delivered it, it insults J for you to apologize for it.

    You have nothing to apologize for. You may have some things to talk about, but don't take the submissive because you found another man attractive and lacked the proper delivery in conversation.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Featured Member red red red's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    I'd say you don't really need to apologize for anything. It's his insecurity, not yours. You DID sleep with J. He IS a black man in bed (apparently). Does the truth hurt? Probably. But it's still kind of not your problem how O deals with it, or the various ways you grate against his "trust issues."

    I mean, if you want a lasting relationship with this guy... he's in for years and years of you saying dumb drunk shit at parties occasionally. You know? So he'll either deal with it or not. Can't change who you are to make him happy, even if you try. You'll drive yourself nuts walking on eggshells, too, especially when you're trying to get closer to him and not further away.

    I'm not saying break up with the guy. But don't waste valuable time and energy trying to make things work if he's not working with you.

    Also, what the hell is an exclusive relationship that's not boyfriend/girlfriend? That sounds somewhat fishy to me, along the "having cake and eating it too" lines...
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Quote Originally Posted by red red red

    Also, what the hell is an exclusive relationship that's not boyfriend/girlfriend? That sounds somewhat fishy to me, along the "having cake and eating it too" lines...
    Yeah, chrissy...what's that about?

  17. #17
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Quote Originally Posted by red red red
    Also, what the hell is an exclusive relationship that's not boyfriend/girlfriend? That sounds somewhat fishy to me, along the "having cake and eating it too" lines...
    Husband and Wife.

    You people do some weird stuff over there in that Philly.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    God/dess Mare's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    That sucks. But I say let O off the hook. Let him go. he will obviously never get over it. Seems you have some stuff to work out yourself.( not being mean)

    Then go forward. Don't look back at what could have been. Things will never be what they were. Go forward as in find a new one.Backwards didn't work or you would still be there.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrissy68
    on a good note, the democrats have the House! (that's about the only thing cheering me up right now).
    looks like the senate too!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrissy68
    so was that a no-go on the written apology fot eh way i behaved at the party (apparently i was flirty when drunnk which i truly bet i was)
    it's a HELL NO! (Would you expect anything else out of me though?) You do this kind of thing too much and it never helps. It jsut makes you feel small and weak. You did nothing wrong except say some guy from your past had a big dick in a moment of drunken stupidity.

  20. #20
    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily
    it's a HELL NO! (Would you expect anything else out of me though?) You do this kind of thing too much and it never helps. It jsut makes you feel small and weak. You did nothing wrong except say some guy from your past had a big dick in a moment of drunken stupidity.
    heh... no... i wouldn't. love you for the honesty though.

    OK. im just going to move on with this and not put forth more than 50% of the effort however, he needs to meet me halfway. if he doesn't i think the boot is in order.
    (yeaaaa!)

    im such a chronic apologizer, stupid last relationship where i *was* actually emotionally abused. i have to work thru that, and mare is right on that.
    thank you all for your responses. esp u mast. that was dead on. even though i feel glum i plan to see Borat tonight and turn that to a

    Love it!

  21. #21
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: well crap, i sure screwed myself!

    Nothing is wrong with apologizing, as long as the people you associate with don't see that as a signal to take advantage of a nice person.

    And hoorah Borat.

    I just noticed you addressed me directly,

    Look, don't be glum.

    This guy is 1 in a million that will ask for your time. Just make sure if you're doing the work that HE'S DAMN WELL WORTH IT, Ya know?

    Thousand's would like to be in his shoes. You know that.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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