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Thread: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

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    Default 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    please nobody judge me, i just kinda want to get this out and get some advice if you guys have any. i used to be VERY anti drugs. i didnt smoke didnt do anything, never tried it, told my roommate i didnt want coke in our apartment before she moved in. when i started dancing, however, i wasnt 21, my ex was in the club and i was terrified. my friend got me to try it. obviously, i loved it. at first, i only did it in the club, didnt do too much, would save it for later if i had leftovers.. then i got bad into it and was doing huge amounts more often and finishing it if i had it. this went on for about 2 months, almost daily. i then went to only doing it on weekends when i worked, but when i did it, i would go all out and do a lot for a long time. for anyone who's never dont it, coke isnt the kind of addictive like smoking or heroin or anything.. its addictive once you start doing it. its very hard to turn down once brought up or offered to you, and once you start you want to keep going for long amounts of time (at least me, and almost everyone ive done it with agrees). i made excuses, saying whatever, i was only doing it on the weekends, im 21 years old, blah blah, but i knew i didnt want to do it. so i'll stop for like 2 weeks at a time but then do it again. each time i do it, i feel really bad afterwards and guilty for basically failing. i was convinced i would never do it again, i had no desire, even when offered. tonight, though, at work, i got really drunk. when you do coke, it kind of balances you out (upper/downer) and sobers you up, so i got some honestly because i only wanted to sober up and be able to work the rest of the night. but of course, i kept on. i dont really know what the point of this was, just maybe to get some advice of anyone whos done the same or tried to stop? iin a way, i do feel better, because doing it once in a while is better than the way i was doing it, but i just dont want to do it at all. any advice?

    and please, no one criticize.. everyone makes mistakes and its so hard in the club and to stop once you start because it feels so bad coming off it.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I really don't know what to say, but I've been there.
    I was addicted to crystal meth for a long time. (I've been clean for the past three years though).
    Although, when I first started dancing, I did do some coke here and there.
    I know what you mean about it evening you out it made me WANT to be at work. That's because I didn't want my boyfriend to know I was high.
    HOwever, when I was on it, I could only think about doing it and would never make any money. Luckily, I left the club and the girl there who kept selling it to me.
    I think that helped me stop and the fact that I make sooo much more money when sober.
    All I do is drink now, and I don't even drink that much.
    I've been off drugs COMPLETELY for a year and half. Even though I was never doing that much coke.
    I think the best way to stop is to get out of the environment that it's in, but that's hard to do when it's all around.
    Everyone does make mistakes, if we didn't we wouldn't learn anything.
    I wish I knew what to say to help you get off drugs, but I think you'll stop when you're ready.
    If you ever want to talk..message me on myspace. I'm a good listener. And I know exactly what you're going through.
    <3 <3 xoxoxox

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    thank you so much. it just helps to talk to people about it, ya know? its a lot better at this club that my old one, here, theres only a few who do it and we're all trying to stop so we try to talk each other out of it. i make more money when sober too, especially when i dont drink even. its just hard when i get there and everyones like come on lets take a shot, or i buy a drink and i suck it down too fast because i use big straws, not sippers. and then it sneaks up on me and bam, im sleeping in the dressing room (frequant for me because i have such long days.. 8am classes followed by such a long and active shift..we have so much stage time!) i even hate being in my apartment now, it gives me anxiety, because i do a lot of it here.. my friend ended up in rehab and she told me that the environment can trigger the bad thoughts. she also told me not to try and swear it off for good, to take it a little at a time, because, hey, it IS better that ive done it tonight for the first time in over 2 weeks instead of every single day. i know im babbling haha, i just hate having no one to talk to about it who understands.. all my non strupper friends are judgemental,and my dancer friends who dont do it really dont get it. i just hate that im basically ok with something that i swore i never would do and wouldnt even allow to be around me

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    also.. sorry, these are getting long haha.. one day i got so fed up with it that i actually flushed what i had left. i really thought that was it for me but then i mess up again

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    That's really good that you flushed what you had, and it's good that you're doing less and less. At least you're trying to stop and that's the most important thing. You know how good it feels to be sober and how much more money you make...keep thinking about that. Let those good thoughts try to motivate you to stay clean.
    Try to keep your mind off it by watching a movie, come on here...I'm on here all night LOL
    It keeps me entertained and it's cheap, safe fun!
    When you drink at work, try to drink some water too. Or at least some soda so you don't get drunk as fast.
    Although, I've had those nights that were so bad, I'd drink all night and get hammered. One night I got sooo drunk I ended up walking out in the parking lot in my dancing clothes! I swore I'd NEVER get that drunk again! LOL ANd I haven't.
    Just try to stay positive, drink lots of water, try to keep yourself entertained.
    You have to desire to stop, and that's the first and most important step. I think.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244
    also.. sorry, these are getting long haha.. one day i got so fed up with it that i actually flushed what i had left. i really thought that was it for me but then i mess up again

    Ok,

    You want to stop right?

    I know it's a an addiction, but you have to come to terms with it like anything else. You have say to yourself "I used to do coke", and be ok with it. ALWAYS speak in the past tense. But more importantly BE OK WITH IT. People fuck up worse than that, but you wont be step one on the road to recovery until you accept the fact that you did it and be O.K. with it. Heck maybe you want to do it as recreational drug, doesn't really matter where it fits in your life as long as you become O.K. with it and accepting your addiction as something you wish to change.

    Then "i mess up again" is no longer an issue. Remind yourself of it as an addiction, and when you "mess up" parallel the process to something you've had a hard time doing and had to sacrifice to do, like losing weight, buying a car and what not, (medical help is not to be excluded here, but I assume you know this). When you see yourself reach for it and begin to take it, make it a POINT to ask yourself as clear as you can "Do I really want to do this?" if the answer is "No" then ask yourself "Why am I then?" and if you still do it.

    Next up is the detoxification. If you really want out, you need to make it VERY CLEAR that you want to stop to everyone who's influenced you or offer it. As good intentioned as these people are, YOU NEED TO REALIZE THEY, AND THE DRUG, ARE YOUR WEAKNESS. When you make it clear that you are on the path to getting what you want (off drugs) they will either be friends and choose to support you (maybe follow your example) or try to make you fail. Those people need cut from your life like a cancerous mole.

    The results of your action and the path to your goal is only paved with your seriousness, dedication, and desire for it. If you wanted to lose 15 lbs, you'd do whatever you could even if it included medical attention, same applies here.

    Brit, I don't know you, but you HAVE to want this enough to be STRONG enough to do this. So lets lay some ground rules:

    1. It's a process, like fat loss, it's unrealistic to expect you to cut this cold turkey
    2. The drug isn't as evil as it's availability to you. Make these people know you're plan and stand up for what you say. If they offer you up afterwards, give them 1 and tell them you don't want them offering it to you. They keep it up, cut them from your life.
    3. You need to come to terms with the fact that you did it, and learn not to regret it. Yea you did it, how can you turn this into your strength. You don't want to do it, make THE COKE help you stop.
    4. Understand that you need support in this. Build it now, Build it quickly. The faster you have an out when the pressure is on, the faster you'll be able to build on it.
    5. When you're seld

    "Those who make mistakes blame themselves and close their hearts. It's impossible to fix the mistake; men can't return to the past. That's why they drink. Lushes, drunks, sliding alcohol down their throats to try to dilute the memories that can't be forgotten. Frank Marlon, the gunsmith, does nothing but drink, and questions the glass after it's empty. "Am I wrong? Was I wrong?" -Vash The Stampede.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Listen to what Mast said...in particular #2 above. I had to cut one friend completely out of my life. I know it's my choice to do it, but it's harder to say no when it's there all the time.

    I slipped up after not doing it for almost 20 years and I slipped up bad in the beginning of this year. 4 eight balls between two 90lb girls in a hotel room in 24 hours time could have equaled death for either one of us. Thank God it didn't and I cut out the toxicity in my life.

    I still want it every time I feel bored and being back in the club isn't helping matters as it's always around.

    Keep getting back on the wagon. Each time will be easier. Good luck and strength vibes to you.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I used to do quite a few different drugs. Powders, pills, hallucinogens.... I've stopped, fallen off, stopped again. It happens. We're human. No one is gonna beat you up, you recognize whats goin on. We have yer back
    Number of times Rickrolled on stage: 6
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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    There's plenty of moderately priced therapists who specialize in supporting you in your decision. They'd love to help. Or if you like a group's support even more there are groups--not Narc Anonymous. Plenty of people have been there and have moved on from from drug use. I used to be a residential counselor so I've seen there's plenty support and care that's out there. Go for it chick!

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Thank you guys for all your advice and being so nice about it! i've been home at my parents all weekend and im going back to my apartment tonight.. i left at like 10 friday morning after i started this thread and was really upset. i know i'm going to feel bad when i get back, but i'm trying to tell myself that in a way, i NEED to feel this bad so I'll remember why I wanted to stop the next time it's in front of me.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244
    for anyone who's never dont it, coke isnt the kind of addictive like smoking or heroin or anything.. its addictive once you start doing it.
    This makes no sense. Coke is addictive JUST like heroin, physically and mentally. When you are coming down and feel like you want to die, that is your body withdrawing, wanting more. I've been battling with this for a long time. Just like you, I didn't do it for a really long time in my early 20's and thought I was invincible. But its the devil, and it WILL kick your ass and get you deep into a hole. You can't just do it a little bit, coke doesn't work that way. Even if you are not a natural addict, you may very well become one.

    1. Get yourself to a 12-step meeting, AA or CA or whatever. They suck and I hate them, but you can meet some people that will help you. You will probably have to stop everything cold turkey, including drinking. Nothing makes a cokehead want a line more than an alcohol buzz.

    2. Cease any and all communication with others who use. This is so hard. You may have to quit working your club, or even stop stripping for some time.

    3. Get yourself into some type of detox/rehab program. I put myself in 6 weeks outpatient program that had a focus on acupuncture and meditation.

    4. Get a sponser and/or therapist

    I almost died, several times. To this day, its a battle for me. Every time I have a drink I want it. But I think about how I felt coming down, how you feel now, and I never want to feel that shitty again. Good luck!

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    what i meant wasnt that it isnt addictive, but that it's addictive in the way that you want more when you're doing it, but you can wake up the next day and not say 'hey i want a line' in the way that an alcoholic would be addicted to alcohol. i'm not sure how to explain it, but that's how it is for me and many girls i've talked to about it. its the kind of thing i only want once i get started.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I think everyone pretty much gave good advice/encouragement. I just wanted to let you know I think you can do it too. If you fall off just dust off and try again. This is life-not pleasantville.
    Come to the clean side.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(



    "I will make you clean"
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Have a read of a book: Callgirl by Jeannette Angell

    I just finished reading it. Whilst it is about an escort/prostitute in Boston you may find some information within its pages and "support" in a way as she did alot of coke due to her line of work. It will give you an insight into the drug itself and as to WHY it is addictive (it's a different kind of addictive than heroin).


    enter: E3167322D9 for your 10% discount

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    please nobody judge me, i just kinda want to get this out and get some advice if you guys have any. i used to be VERY anti drugs. i didnt smoke didnt do anything, never tried it, told my roommate i didnt want coke in our apartment before she moved in. when i started dancing, however, i wasnt 21, my ex was in the club and i was terrified. my friend got me to try it. obviously, i loved it. at first, i only did it in the club, didnt do too much, would save it for later if i had leftovers.. then i got bad into it and was doing huge amounts more often and finishing it if i had it. this went on for about 2 months, almost daily. i then went to only doing it on weekends when i worked, but when i did it, i would go all out and do a lot for a long time. for anyone who's never dont it, coke isnt the kind of addictive like smoking or heroin or anything.. its addictive once you start doing it. its very hard to turn down once brought up or offered to you, and once you start you want to keep going for long amounts of time (at least me, and almost everyone ive done it with agrees). i made excuses, saying whatever, i was only doing it on the weekends, im 21 years old, blah blah, but i knew i didnt want to do it. so i'll stop for like 2 weeks at a time but then do it again. each time i do it, i feel really bad afterwards and guilty for basically failing. i was convinced i would never do it again, i had no desire, even when offered. tonight, though, at work, i got really drunk. when you do coke, it kind of balances you out (upper/downer) and sobers you up, so i got some honestly because i only wanted to sober up and be able to work the rest of the night. but of course, i kept on. i dont really know what the point of this was, just maybe to get some advice of anyone whos done the same or tried to stop? iin a way, i do feel better, because doing it once in a while is better than the way i was doing it, but i just dont want to do it at all. any advice?

    and please, no one criticize.. everyone makes mistakes and its so hard in the club and to stop once you start because it feels so bad coming off it.
    I know EXACTLY what you are going through because I did the same thing. I didn't do coke everyday, but once I started I would binge on it. There were times I stayed up all night and when I didn't have a tab the come downs would be friggin awful. I did it for a year and when I got with my boyfriend I would stop for a few weeks and relapse. The final straw was ending up in the hospital and almost flunking out of school. I haven't touched the shit since May '05 and never will agian. Its f***ing horrible and just destroys you. The only person who can make you quit is YOU, but I admit its not easy. If you want to talk just let me know cause I've been there. Sorry that was so long.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I used to play casually with coke, before I became a stripper and for a little while afterward. I work in the movie industry and it's everywhere, so it was just a matter of time before I gave it a go. I had fun with it but eventually decided it's not worth the come down. I had a really fun, enjoyable all-night coke binge in January 2006, went to bed at 7 am, woke up at 2 pm, and thought, "Wow, I don't want to feel like this ever again."

    Since then I've been around it a handful of times and one time recently I was offered a line and I accepted. I realized the sensation was just like drinking too much coffee, except I never have to wonder what the coffee is cut with or whether it'll kill me. That one relapse could've become a problem, but I decided not to let it.

    I embrace and enjoy the memories of the good times I had, and I made a conscious decision to let it go. When it's around, I just try to remember the absolutely shitty way it used to make me feel the next day, and I remember that there's no trusting where it came from. After a few of those occurrences, I've now reached a point where I can be around it and have absolutely no desire to do it.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    This might sound simplistic, but don't get drunk . Because think about it, do you ever ,stone cold sober, crave coke? Or wake up in the morning and think, "Gee I want a line?" You mentioned that it levels you out so you can keep working,right....A girlfriend of mine and I were just talking about this and we both agreed that the craving never came up unless we were drinking heavily. I am so glad those days are over. Don't beat yourself up. As mentioned before, we all make mistakes and fall down from time to time. At least you are aware of it now and you can try to change your behavior before you develop dangerous habits and patterns. You're still really young . Personally,I grew out of my drug phase and you probably will too.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Don't worry girl - if you can actually come on here and expressed how you want to stop then you have just taken a HUGE step. I do understand what you are saying about the addictiveness of cocaine - it sometimes feels like a "different" addiction but it is hard to explain. And, I completely understand where you are right now because I tried to do the same thing (get through a week or two or whatever withuot it and then "reward" yourself). In the past year I did it for the first time, got completely addicted to where I was doing it for days in a row, and I quit in the last three months. What you are doing worked for me but what you have to realize is that not all things work for everybody. The suggestions to see a therapist or maybe try a program are really something to take to heart because you really do need someone to help you get through this. We all fall off the wagon sometimes and I hope you realize how much support you have. I know you can do it!!

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Watch a couple episodes of "Intervention"- that usually makes me wanna steer clear of any and all drugs for a LONG time!!

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I don't know what that must be like, but good luck to you.


    BTW, I read somewhere that coke makes you feel more confident. Is this true?

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I can't really relate to it, but wanted to be here for hugs and support anyway. Good luck and you know we'll be here.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    I lived with an addict, who was very similar to your use, and had some of the same issues. It was my ex hubby.
    We wound up doing many of the things that others have suggested here, we removed ALL the people from his life who brough him into contact with the drug, we got him into counseling, and found him a hobby, something to keep his head busy.

    Unfortunately, he also had a habbit of lying and snuck back to see his old "friends". Thus, he is an ex.

    But YOU can do this! A few other girls have said it, and so will I, if you need to talk to someone, message me anytime. Obviously a counselor or sponsor would be the best person to talk to...but just in case.

    The next time someone puts it in front of you (hopefully that doesn't happen for a long long time) put this picture in your head....
    Some punk kid, in some part of the world, is making this shit, and God knows what is in it, what has been added* to give it more "kick". The next line you take could be the line that has just a bit too much rat poison in it. It's scary, but not impossible.
    Hugs to you!




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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    Thank you guys for all your advice and being so nice about it! i've been home at my parents all weekend and im going back to my apartment tonight.. i left at like 10 friday morning after i started this thread and was really upset. i know i'm going to feel bad when i get back, but i'm trying to tell myself that in a way, i NEED to feel this bad so I'll remember why I wanted to stop the next time it's in front of me.
    Would your parents be receptive and willing to help if you came clean to them? Obviosuyl I don't know what kind of relationship you have, how understanding they are, if they know you dance, etc....so it might be a useless suggestion. But maybe they could help you get treatment or a therapist, or...well...what sort of help from others would be useful for you now? Maybe your parents could be the ones to give that to you.

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    Featured Member short skirts's Avatar
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    Default Re: 2 weeks and i messed up :(

    You did a great thing for your steps in recovery to come here and not only acknowledge your problem but ask for advice *applauds*

    I personally can relate to you and the best thing for me is to spend more time with my family.

    Best of luck to you, don't get too down on yourself. You're still learning how to cope with it so just keep trying and you'll get there.
    Last edited by short skirts; 01-11-2007 at 02:14 AM. Reason: sp

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