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Thread: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Thumbs down Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    OK this actually occured months ago, but I just thought of it and wanted to know what you guys thought. Back in the summer, my same-age cousin got married and everyone completely left me out of the wedding.

    My cousin used to be one of my best friends. We hung out together all the time when we were preteens/early teens, and would invite each other to our school dances and stuff even though we went to different schools. Then we drifted apart but no real hard feelings. I'd only seen her twice in the past 9 years...once 6 yrs ago when she happened to visit me at a store I was working at, and then once in the past year, at my mother's funeral. Both times, she seemed cool with me and we conversed about our current lives. At the funeral last February, she told me that she was engaged(she brought her fiance along) and was getting married sometime later that year. Fast forward to about August...I was talking to my dad about my OTHER cousin's upcoming wedding, and asked casually, "Just curious, when's "Molly" getting married?" My dad just kinda said "eh, that was a few weeks ago" and tried to quickly change the subject. I was like "OMG why didn't anyone tell me?" but didn't care too much, because I figured that no one in my family went to the wedding, since my immediate family didn't deal much with our relatives anyway.

    Then I find out that EVERYONE in my family went to the wedding EXCEPT me. She'd purposely printed out invitations with everyones' name on it except mine. WTF? If anything, I had been the one in my family that was closest to her. It's not like I'd done anything wrong to her, I hadn't even seen her in 9yrs except for 2 occasions in which we were cool. Why? I wonder if my bitchy aunt, or our shared maternal grandmother(our moms were sisters), had something to do with this. Remember when I told you guys about how my mom previously disowned me a few years ago? Well, my grandmother was the one who'd been pushing for her to do that(later right before my mom passed away, she profusely apologized and told me that she later realized it was a mistake disowning me). Do you think my grandmother told my cousin the same untrue fallacies/assumptions she'd told my mom before?

    Just had to vent! Also, what would be the best way to handle the situation? I'm guessing that it is to completely ignore them and have nothing to do with them(which I'd been doing for about 9yrs anyway, not intentionally but just because we had separate lives). Oh, and also to disinvite her from my wedding someday or any other similar celebration that involves family. But should I disinvite her only, or should I extend that disinvitation to my bitchy aunt and moderately nice grandmother?(I suspect they might have been involved in telling her to disinvite me, but I'm not sure) This is so annoying. I'm not that bad of a person, yet my family always seems out to make me feel like a criminal! I go through such great lengths to please them, such as by hiding things like implants or stripping, and sometimes I feel that it is a waste of effort. My family is making me feel similar to how a middle school clique makes an outcast/pariah feel. Any suggestions or comments?

  2. #2
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Oh yeah, one last thing...my cousin makes me look bad! As in, she got a respectable job in her field(as a nurse) during a time that I had a college education and better grades, but was struggling to find something better than say, McDonalds or Chik-Filet. And now she is married happily ever after in a house, while I'm renting a 1br apartment that is a "palace" compared to where I was "living" a few years ago. The ONLY karma that came out of this, is that now I finally found a job at an insurance office, and while working at this job, I found out that my cousin's neighborhood is a high-risk flood zone!! Haha karma's a bitch. I hope she is desperate enough to buy flood insurance from me, so it can get back to my relatives! Hahahahahahaha!
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 11-21-2006 at 06:05 AM. Reason: correct grammar

  3. #3
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Why would you invite anyone who gives you shit to your wedding simply because you share DNA?

    Your ex-friend believed the shit told to her because you weren't there to tell her any different.

    I wouldn't feel too bad about the house. These days it takes a two income family to buy one of those fuckers.

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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982
    Just had to vent! Also, what would be the best way to handle the situation? I'm guessing that it is to completely ignore them and have nothing to do with them(which I'd been doing for about 9yrs anyway, not intentionally but just because we had separate lives).
    Ignore it, I say invite them. There is no better way to say fuck you, you cold hearted mother fuckers, it doesn't matter if they show. Tactfully handling an apology from someone, if it ever happens to come is a lot more difficult. It's instinct to accept it, but rarely appropriate, at least the first one.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Blood or no blood, some people are just dicks. If she wasn't going to invite you to her wedding well thats her problem for losing out on such a great person in her life.

    Eventually karma will catch up to her. I don't think you need to do anything besides be yourself and watch as you turn out better than she ever dreamed.
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    Veteran Member TheLioness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    If it were me, I'd send her a gift in the mail (or drop it by if you're close) and tell her how sorry you are that you didn't send it earlier, but you just found out that she had married. She'll feel like the guilty bitch in the situation, and you'll go on living knowing that you're a much better person than she is

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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Eh dont sweat it hun. Out of us 6 kids, all 5 of my siblings are married, and I've only been to 1 wedding. And 1 of said siblings has been married twice!

    Let it be known that you are displeased, but dont drag it out. Say it once, even if its to someone who will probably tell them (instead of to them direct) and thats that. Go on with all your stuff as if it no longer bothers you... and seriously... dont let it!
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Miss Phillydancer, as we've discussed, family isn't blood.

    However, I understand your closeness with your cousin, what you need to observe is the value of your relationship with her and what you want. Would you want to be close with her again? If so then extend the olive branch, go direct to her, and be polite and ask her what's up. Tell her that you wish you where in her wedding and ask her why you weren't. Be sure to tell her you're interested in being friends again and that if there is a REASONABLE way to do that, please let you know.

    What you do NOT need to do, is get into an argument about your aunt with her or any other potential cause. You need to figure out the cause then BOW OUT before you say anything. Collect your thoughts and see if the cause is worth action to solve or if you're ok with letting it drop.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Featured Member NatalieFRPhilly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Screw em! If she is going to be that rude to you, she's not worth your time thinking of her or this situation. Banish all bad people from your life, you don't need that negative energy. And that's really messed up that your whole family didn't say a word to you. If anyone did that to me in my family, I would turn my relationship with them off like a light. Simply ignore her, forget she exists, even if she's right in front of your face at your next family reunion.

  10. #10
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    You may not have what she has materialistically, but you seem to be more of a woman than she is. She handled it all wrong, she should have come to you.

  11. #11
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Quote Originally Posted by NatalieFRPhilly
    Screw em! If she is going to be that rude to you, she's not worth your time thinking of her or this situation. Banish all bad people from your life, you don't need that negative energy. And that's really messed up that your whole family didn't say a word to you. If anyone did that to me in my family, I would turn my relationship with them off like a light. Simply ignore her, forget she exists, even if she's right in front of your face at your next family reunion.
    I agree wholeheartedly. My family is really catty like that, especially towards me(I'm the nerd/outcast in my family, or at least that's how I'm treated). I don't think that starting a friendship with my cousin again would be a good idea. I mean, I haven't hung out with her since I was in 9th grade, and suddenly a rude act(such as the wedding incident) inspires me to ask her to hang out sometime? Odds are(and I'm good at predicting things with people I know well), she would probably act polite but tell me that she was "busy" and couldn't hang out. And then never get back to me. But yeah, I like what you said about ignoring her at the next family get-together!(which probably won't happen for another 9yrs, knowing how antisocial my immediate family is!)

    I agree with you Natalie, about banning bad people from my life. I already did that with a few so-called "friends" that I had in my pre-dancing days...these people would use me for car rides and get me to cover up/lie for them, but didn't do shit to help me when my mom kicked me out. I also got rid of a few friends who were ok at heart, but lacked good judgment and weren't going anywhere in life, because I don't want them to drag me down. For a while, I got rid of my family too but eventually my parents tried to be nice again so I started talking to them. In the case of my mom, I'm glad that I made truce because if I didn't, I would have missed out on the last days of her life.

    As far as my dad not telling me about "Molly"? My GRANDMOTHER(same grandmother that my cousin has) told him not to tell me!! The same grandmother who advised my mom to exercise "tough love" by kicking me out when I had no place to go. She was afraid that if my dad told me, that I would "create drama" and take out my frustration about the situation out on my dad in the form of bitching. How annoying. Oh yeah, as if I'm not a real person, but the family dog who always slobbers and gets in the way of things. WTF. I'm wondering if maybe my grandmother told my aunt and cousin about how she'd told my mom to kick me out, and overall gave them a bad impression of me. Honestly though, my grandmother is not a sadistic person, I think she just had a very bad opinion of me for some time because my mom had complained to her about how I cursed too much, was defiant, and didn't have a job with the same prestige as Molly's nursing job(oh, as if the job thing was my fault? trust me I WANTED a better job than the retail shit I was stuck with!).

    So in that case, should I "write off" my grandmother too from my life? (Then again, she's another relative that I don't see much these days.) Or, should I focus on reconciling and getting close to her, maybe to the point that I can apologize for my past "defiance" and explain things to her?(like my mom did, my grandmother had/has some bad false presumptions about me) I wouldn't be doing this to get close to my cousin...as far as she's concerned, fuck her...but to correct some animosity that my grandmother might hold with me. Or, should I say "fuck her" also?

  12. #12
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Quote Originally Posted by TheLioness
    If it were me, I'd send her a gift in the mail (or drop it by if you're close) and tell her how sorry you are that you didn't send it earlier, but you just found out that she had married. She'll feel like the guilty bitch in the situation, and you'll go on living knowing that you're a much better person than she is
    Hmmm that's a different idea that the one I had(to ignore my cousin and avoid inviting her to any of MY future celebrations), but it might work. It's a way to kill 'em with kindness, right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deogol
    Your ex-friend believed the shit told to her because you weren't there to tell her any different.
    Yes, that is exactly right. I always get hated on by my family for shit like that. Basically what happened is, my parents were mad at me b/c I tried rebelling from their overprotective ways, and also because they wrongly assumed that I wasn't looking for a job when in fact I was(there were a lot of misperceptions that got cleared up later, when my mom and I made truce); my mom complained all of this to her mom(my grandmother) everyday on the phone; my grandmother started resenting me for being "disrespectful to my parents"; my grandmother probably told my aunt and cousin that I wasn't a good person.

    Geez, if my grandmother was THAT annoyed with me, why didn't SHE talk to me directly and try to mitigate the situation? Instead of simply taking my mom's word? It's not like I bite.

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo
    Eventually karma will catch up to her. I don't think you need to do anything besides be yourself and watch as you turn out better than she ever dreamed.
    Heh, like my cousin getting her house flooded sometime soon? And then turning to me for flood insurance? ::

    You might say that I will turn out better than her, but are you sure? I mean, part of what made me look so bad to my family, was how BAD I had turned out. Here I was, having spent all this money for a private college education and spending time worrying about getting As, just to end up working in retail for $8/hr. I had bad credit, an unreliable car, no college degree(I completed everything except a few measly credits; couldn't finish college right away because I didn't have the money) after spending all that money on tuition, and still living at home. At the time, I didn't have the income or credit to qualify for even the most ghetto efficiency in North Philly. So who really looked better/more successful??? Yeah maybe NOW I'm doing better, but that's only because of stripping...which my family doesn't know about, thank God. I hope that I will become more successful in my soon-to-be insurance career than Molly is at her nursing career, but come on...I'm trying to be realistic here.

  13. #13
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Sorry to put so many posts in a row...but I thought of one last thing. By my family accepting the invitation and going to the wedding, they were essentially AGREEING with my cousin's decision to leave me out of it! In essence, their attendance was a form of disrespect to me. My family is very shy, antisocial, and they normally hate going to things like weddings! Especially my dad, who is an insane workaholic and practically hates taking time out of work to breathe! Also, they are cheap and they do not like to spend the money for things like wedding gifts or formal clothing. If they took the time/money/effort to attend this wedding, it probably was perceived that they didn't give a shit that I was left out...how "loving" of them!

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Have you been to many weddings? They suck...

    Really, they are lame ceremonies, laden with tacky and atavistic rituals. And for what?

    If the marriage lasts five years it is uncommon, and the vast majority of those which last longer are a farce anyway. Truly rewarding intimacy is very rare.

    About ten years ago the guy who got me started DJing with Spring Break tried to train me to DJ weddings for his company. Hah! No fucking way.

    I know, the snubbing still might rub you the wrong way, but it really is her loss, thats the way to look at it.

    Sending the present is a great way to deal with it--she will feel like a bitch.
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    does your cousin live in the same city as you? if so, meeting twice in 9 years seems a little strange to me.

    can you get the story of what happened from her siblings/cousins/someone else?
    your motives to describe her behavior don't seem to be completely solid to me.

    good luck, and no reason to compare yourselves. you can compare your lives 20 years down the road (and by that time you probably won't care).

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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Best to talk to her directly. I don't respect people who listen to family gossip and hold a grudge over it. They are not loyal and it's too easy to manipulate them. Hear her out but protect your heart and self-respect if her snub really was about the gossip.

  17. #17
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    ^ ^ The ONLY reason I even bothered to care about comparing our lives, was because up until recently(when I started dancing), my life sucked. If I had the ability to afford my bills, keep my old car running, and obtain a job in my field or ANY job better than the retail shithole I was working in, I woulda felt better about myself and thus wouldn't have had such a need to compare. Oh yeah, and my mom sometimes lectured me about how much better my cousin was doing than me. I think she did this to "motivate" me to try harder in life, but in reality I had been trying to find a job in my field the whole time, so these kinds of talks just made me feel even more inferior. Now that my life is starting to go better, I don't care as much anymore. Well, except for the fact that my family thinks I'm a stupid waitress, since I couldn't tell them about dancing, so they think I make a LOT less money than I do. Heh they probably think I still eat Ramen every night and have "rabbit ears" on my TV. Hopefully this insurance career will take off well, and then I will be making money and won't have to lie about it.

    The information that I got came from my dad. He was the one who told me that my cousin got married, and he was the one who later admitted that my grandmother didn't want him to tell me about the wedding for fear that I would bitch/complain about it, i.e. "start drama." (Heh compared to an average day in a strip club dressing room, bitching/complaining would NOT be drama!) He was the one who told me that the only reason my cousin might not invite me, would be if my grandmother told her stuff(such as being disrespectful/defiant in the past, how she convinced my mom to disown me in the past, etc).

    My cousins have always lived between 30-60mins away...not that far. The reason that we haven't associated with them much in the past 9yrs is because:
    1. My immediate family is generally antisocial and like to keep to themselves(they live in the middle of nowhere on a farm!).
    2. My mom had this big battle with my aunt(cousin's mom) over 10 yrs ago. My aunt did some really bitchy things to my mom, such as not inviting her to a semi-reunion that she held for some far-away relatives. As a result, my mom ceased contact with my aunt and her kids, and the ONLY reason that I still hung out with my cousin, was because we didn't want to end our friendship over something we weren't involved in. After that, the two families played it cool with each other but didn't go out of our ways to associate. When my mom was still alive, I remember her pondering(with me and my grandmother) if she even wanted to go to cousin Molly's at-time upcoming wedding, because she didn't know if she wanted to face her sister(my aunt).

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    God/dess Sirona's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Sorry that happened to you. Wish I had some sort of words of wisdom or something vaguely comforting to say... I agree with the prestated "best to talk to her directly". At least that way you'll know first hand what was up.



  19. #19
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    That is a good idea to talk to her directly, but how would I go about doing that? I've only seen her twice in 9 yrs! Now that she's married and not living at home anymore, I don't even have any contact info unless I ask my grandmother, but knowing my grandmother, she might get suspicious/paranoid and think that I'm "up to no good"! Maybe discussing it with my grandmother would be better, since I readily have her contact info and I've seen my grandmother more often in recent years than I've seen my cousin? But if she didn't want my dad to tell me for fear that I would "start drama," is there a chance that she might just walk away or tell me that she's not open to discussing the matter?

    See, that's what I hate so much about my family's mannerism. They always accuse/assume things, tell me "Be quiet, you've talked enough to last a lifetime already!" when I complain that they got it all wrong, and then they don't come to an understanding until much later. That's when they drop the pet peeved line, "OMG why didn't you tell me this before??" Duh, because you didn't want to hear it! Grrrrr.

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    God/dess Sirona's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Is she listed? Look up her number, maybe ask your dad?



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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    Honestly, I think it would be best just to let it go. It's obvious your grandmother is an extemely unpleasant, rude, dictator who thinks she can run the family. (I have a grandmother like that too.) I highly doubt it would be worth attempting to talk to her and she'd still talk shit about you to everyone anyway. I wouldn't bother making the effort.

    (I would send a nice gift to your cousin ((i.e. a nice crystal bowl or something nice to make her wonder if you're the poor, rude person your family says you are)) with a note saying, "I'm sorry I didn't get to send this sooner, but I only just found out about the wedding.")

  22. #22
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Need family advice--asshole cousin dissed me from her wedding

    ^ ^ Actually, my grandmother really isn't that bad. She does have her flaws, but overall is an all right person. Her flaws include: stubborness, being stuck in a past decade(very old-fashioned values), and getting overly angered at any sign of disrespect towards parents. She assumed that I was this "bad kid" when in fact I wasn't, partly because I was never around much for her to see me in person for herself(college, hanging with friends, etc), and also because on a few occasions that she visited, she happened to catch me looking REALLY bad, i.e. in the middle of arguments/bickering with my mom.

    If anything, I think my aunt(my mom's sister, aka my cousin's mom) is the bitchy one. She falsely accused my mother of making up a story about my brother being mentally disabled, as a cover-up for why my brother acted so erratic(my brother IS disabled). She did something very similar to what my cousin did to me, by disinviting my mom to her BBQ for our relatives that were visiting from Ohio(that started a huge fight between my mom and my aunt). She probably heard my grandmother's claims about me acting "disrespectful," and turned them into something bigger. Nah, I am speculating...who knows? But if there was anyone involved in a malicious way, it'd probably be my aunt. And my grandmother is not going to point fingers at my aunt...she is way too supportive of her daughter to do such a thing, even if my aunt were in the wrong.(geez, I wish my parents were as supportive of me?)

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