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Thread: just found out my father died.

  1. #1
    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default just found out my father died.

    my father left me and my mother when i was 6 months old. i met him and his new family briefly for a month when i turned 15. we celebrated christmas together but nothing felt right, it was impossible to love someone that i didnt know so i walked away from it, and he did not try to follow me.

    all these years i had been hoping that someday he would say how sorry he was that he left me and forgot about me and started a new life. i had always believed that maybe someday he would come back looking for me and he never did.

    my mom called me today and nonchelontly said "your grandma saw in the paper that your father died. ok i just wanted to let you know. love you." that was it. she just left me with that. so i got online and checked the obituary and sure enough it was him. my name was not even on the obituary, yet the woman he is not even married to but fathered 2 of his children is.

    im so angry hurt and destroyed by this. i was the first and the unwanted. i was expendable. i was never valued for anything.

    all i ever wanted in this world was a father to love me. the simplest thing. if you have a father that loves you i hope to god you feel lucky.

    i dont have one happy memory of him.

    he was 50.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    I can't even imagine how you're feeling. I'm sorry that he died without you ever really getting to know him or get your questions answered or just a general validation.

    And I wanted to point out that YOU are NOT expendable. Circumstances may suck, but you are valued, I'm sure by someone in your life. Don't let this non-relationship with your father define you.

    You must be feeling so torn. Hugs to you.

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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    I know exactly how you feel and youre story put some tears in my eyes. Im going through alot of stuff with my father right now too. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

    Although my father hasnt died yet Im really sorry for you for having to deal with all of this.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    Yeah, DO NOT ever let yourself think his actons have anything to do with you. He made a horrible mistake and was too ashamed or confused to admit it. YOU are not the problem. I'm soooo sorry to hear this but you Will see that you are priceless. The same way you don't substitute a customer's opinion for your own.
    Don't substitute his faulty judgement for your own judgement of your worth.

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    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk View Post
    I know exactly how you feel and youre story put some tears in my eyes. Im going through alot of stuff with my father right now too. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

    Although my father hasnt died yet Im really sorry for you for having to deal with all of this.
    i hope you get a chance to talk things out with him before you cant anylonger. i wish i would have at least tried.

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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    I'm sorry you have had to go though this. I do feel lucky my dad has always been there for all his kids. I have a very good friend going though this but his dad is still alive. It's hard for you but you must remember it's not your fault, don't beat yourself up about it.
    "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    Quote Originally Posted by i.breathe.in View Post
    i hope you get a chance to talk things out with him before you cant anylonger. i wish i would have at least tried.
    Im trying. Seems like he's the one who doesnt want to reply
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



  8. #8
    God/dess leilanicandy's Avatar
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    I am so sorry you had to find out! The way you found out! I just hope in some way you may get to know your brother or sister he father.
    If you want the present to be differant from the past, study the past.
    Baruch Spindza

    It is what it is, not what you want it to become, that's important -- at least for now. Today, remember that things worth having are worth waiting for!
    The Stars

    Minds are like parachutes: They only function when open.
    Thomas Dewar

    Dont throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.
    Swedish Proverb

  9. #9
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    Im so sorry to hear that. I have a simular situation with my dad. However I do agree with Optomist.
    Dont be hard on yourself. You're not worthless and despite the fact that he was never there for you, there is no reason to think this way. Do you have any contact with his family? Maybe in time you could get some answers from them.
    Hugs

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    God/dess Mare's Avatar
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    Sorry to hear about that. I have a father that I haven't known much since I was 3. I do get to see him but always find it kinda awkward. I still love him even though it's not all I wish it was. I don't feel as bad as I used to. He is human and as I go through my own problems over the years I realize nobody is perfect.
    Maybe you can talk to him as if he could hear you. Have some conversations with him. I doubt you'll get answers,but it may help with closure. Just because you can't see 'em doesn't mean they're not there.

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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    Quote Originally Posted by i.breathe.in View Post
    i hope you get a chance to talk things out with him before you cant anylonger. i wish i would have at least tried.
    hey hey, no beating yourself up allowed. he should have been the one who tried.

    Love it!

  12. #12
    Veteran Member candygrrl's Avatar
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    oh sweetheart, do not let yourself get upset over this. I have a similar story, my dad left after he beat up my mom and I was around 2, but he would still come back and babysit when my mom went to work at night (she danced too) until he went to jail. I saw him one time since then when I was in the sixth grade I remember I finished swim practice and my mom rushed me and my sister home to get us dressed and blowdry our hair so we could go out to dinner with my dad and his mom. That was the last time I saw him. Honestly I choose not to associate myself with him, he is a lowlife scum. You are probably better off too, he probably was protecting you from him. The kind of person who doesn't care about a child that he makes is not the kind of person taht you want to know. I had to call my father about 2 years ago when my sister ran away to see if she went to see him (she doesnt remember all the terrible things he did) and he was just like "Oh hey what's up!??" I havent seen this man in 12 years and he is my father, and all he has to say is "what's up?"

    You are kind of lucky that you don't have to speak to your dad now, bc I'm sure you would be disappointed by the kind of crap he wouuld be sure to spew out.
    Either way I'm very sorry for your loss, but please do not let this unknown man define your life. He is unknown for a reason.

  13. #13
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: just found out my father died.

    It might be nice to get to know your siblings, as leilacandy said. Maybe their mother is nice and proactive about keeping their family close.

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