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Thread: Need Help. How would you handle this?

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    Default Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Forgive this for being long. Here's some background:

    I left an abusive boyfriend 3 years ago and moved in with my current, Brad. Brad is EXTREMELY allergic to cats and lives (we still do) in a complex that doesn't allow pets. But that's not as big of a problem as his allergies.

    I have 3 cats that my mother took in for me. They are my babies. I lent my mother over $25,000 in the past 2 years and have not seen a dime back. I'm not complaining about that either as she took in my babies. So here's the problem.

    I usually go up to see my cats every few weeks (mom lives in another state), but my life has been hectic and I haven't been there as much recently. I thought they'd be fine.

    The kitties got fleas from Mom's dogs. Still no problem but I never got a phone call. And they didn't take care of the problem. I have one cat who is a little deformed and can't reach his back to scratch.

    They had fleas two weeks ago. She said she took care of it. I get there for Tday and see them. They are freaking infested!!! My poor deformed baby, Backgammon, has NO FUR on his front legs from biting them so much from anxiety over not being able to scratch himself. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He dropped weight and looked like he was going insane.

    I was in tears!!!! I bathed them all in baby shampoo and spent Tday picking fleas from their fur in the bathtub. I ate no turkey and no dessert. My mom went about as if nothing was wrong. I said nothing to her, took care of the cats as best I could so they were at least comfortable and left without a word to her.

    Friday, I went up bathed them again and applied Frontline and brought them home. Brad was so disgusted at the neglect at the hands of my parents that he doesn't care about his allergies or the complex management. If we get caught we'll move. God bless him for this.

    My mother has not called to apologize for not informing me or for neglecting the babies. I would have been there right away taking care of them had I known. I would never expect her to take care of it alone. I pay for their food, litter and take them to the vet etc.

    Now Christmas is coming and I am so hurt and so mad that I can't see straight. I don't want to see her for fear of saying something so freaking mean she'd never forget it. But I'm also torn because I won't see the rest of my family for Christmas if I don't go.

    How would you handle this?

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    God/dess FrustratedBunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    oh, goodness, that's a tough one. Do you normally have a bad relationship with your mom? That sounds really messed up that she let that happen to your babies. Maybe if you give yourself some time to cool off you won't go off on her and can be more rational about the whole situation.

    And as far as your bf, that was really sweet of him to put the well being of the kitties above his allergies. He might be able to co-exist with the kitties better if he goes to an allergist. I knew someone who was allergic to cats and had a cat and that's how she was able to deal with it better.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Skip the family this Christmas! I'd be livid. Perhaps she has something major going on in her life that prevented her from calling? If not, screw it, see her on president's day or something.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
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    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    I'd go to see the other family.

    I probably wouldn't say much to mom. I would practice saying something if an issue comes up like "I am very disappointed in how you took care of my cats mom. I need some time to cool down."

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Well first off, that was an asshole thing to do to let poor animals suffer when it could have easily been taken care of. I would point out to your mother how you have helped her out very generously in the past, have never been paid back, and you fairly expected your cats to be taken care of. 25 grand over 2 years to take care of a few cats doesn't seem very unfair. I think she's being inconsiderate and not thinking about how generous and kind you were to her. She's just being insensetive. I'd bring this up with her, and depending on the results, decide whether or not I'd see her for the holidays.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    My mom and I have always had a love/hate relationship. She stood by while our stepfather abused me and my brothers. She made me feel unloved most of my younger years because I was the one that she was knocked up with and she had to marry my father,who was an alcoholic.

    But then, our relationship changed. When my daughter died, she was the most supportive person in my life. I only had to think of something sad and she sensed it and called me.

    That is why I'm so freaking amazed that she could let this happen. She does have things going on in her life right now (stepfather #2 is ill) but I don't think that excuses her from outright abusing my babies. Not even one phonecall???
    And still no phone call? She knows I'm upset.

    BTW, Mollie, Backgammon and Monkey are fine now. They are sleeping peacefully with my youngest daughter Erika.

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    Featured Member tRoUbLeMaKeR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Well I'm glad to hear that your babies are doing better. I too have a love/hate relationship with my mother. If I were in your shoes I would either say something to her about it (and hope it goes well) and plan on spending christmas with your family. Or don't say something and don't spend it with your family. I wouldn't go over there trying to be polite not saying anything about it if she didn't have the decency to apologize or help you while you were taking care of them on thanksgiving. Either bite your tongue and keep your distance or calmly tell her (or write her a letter) about how you feel.

    Good Luck
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    I think you should talk to her. Calmly. Simply state in a non-accusatory way how you feel about the situation. "I was upset when this happened. I would have preferred that you give me a call and I could have taken care of the problem. I don't really understand why this happened." Or words to that effect. In other words, don't lash out, which will only lead to an escalating argument. Instead, state how you felt and what you would have preferred her to do. That's more likely to lead to a less defensive response and open discussion.

    In fact, if she has fleas in her house, I'm curious as to why she didn't take timely steps to eradicate them for the benefit of her own health. You know the situation better than I do, and I'm not a therapist, but that sounds to me like the inaction of a person in the clutches of severe depression. If she's living with a chronically or terminally ill spouse, she may feel that her life is falling apart. Perhaps that's an issue that needs to be discussed. Perhaps she needs your guidance to get some type of help for herself, like a therapist or someone who can occasionally help around the house or simply urging her to have a night out with the girls every so often.

    Hope it works out.

    -Ev

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    that last post had some good advice regarding the possibility of depression. I for one would bitch her out because the animals CAN'T take care of themselves. What the fuck is up with the abuse on her part? the only excuse she has is depression, and God help her if it isn't because I would unleash a holy hell and DEFINITELY not go home for Christmas.

    You're boyfriend is awesome.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    I think Ev is right. She's probably depressed and neglecting everything. Generally I would say that she's being an ungrateful irresponsible selfish bitch and doesn't deserve your time, but considering her husband is ill I think she's probably in some depression. I'm not saying that would excuse her, but it would explain things and maybe if you look at it that way, you can get over being so mad and come to some understanding with her.

    I know that people who are that cruel, selfish, etc exist in the world, but from what you say, I'm thinking that's not the case here.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    My father once neglected a dog I left in his care. I let him have it and didn't speak with him for a good long while. I now realize the dog was getting as good of care as he was: he was very depressed.

    THIS IS NO EXCUSE. I am the same way you are by animals, DylanAngel. But it may be a reason.

    However, on the other hand, your mom may just be lazy and inconsiderate. No offense of course, but it sounds like this might be the case. The fact that she STILL has not called you and the fact that she has not paid back a dime of that big loan are big red flags for me.

    Ideal me would probably go to Christmas, take the highest of high roads, visit with my other loved ones, and speak to her as distantly and civilly as possible--don't give her the satisfaction. Real world me would either skip out altogether or go and cause a scene. My advice is kind of crap.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    I agree with Bridgette. She must be in some depression and detached. If you spent the day taking care of the cats and she didn't pay attention to you, she is not in a functioning mood. She is overwhelmed it sounds like.

    I say this based on your previous statement that she was very supportive of you regarding your daughter.

    So, while it is sad she neglected the cats, it sounds like you needed to also be aware that she was unable to do it.

    Relative to Christmas, you have to decide whether you want to continue the relationship with her and support her or go your own way.

    The cats are really irrelevant in the long run. You need to come to terms with the whole relationship and the past and figure out where you want it to go.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Good morning and thanks everyone. There is so much good advice here I don't know where to start.

    I hadn't considered depression to tell you the truth. It would stand to reason though. All 3 of us (bros and I) suffered from it at one time or another. Makes you wonder if it's all really chemical and hereditary or socialogical because we all suffered at the hands of stepfather number 1...hmm.

    It brings back the whole crap that was my childhood though. My mom is the type of person that stays out of the house as much as possible and uses work as a crutch. Whether it's paid work or volunteer, she was just not there a lot.

    After leaving the NYC police force, she became a paramedic out here in NJ. My brothers' and my favorite line is "Wanna get Mom's attention? Lay out in the middle of the road and call an ambulance." That says it right there.

    I am, even in this instance, going to take the high road but with a twist. Being that I'm still seeing red, it would only hurt the situation if I call her now.

    I'm going to have my youngest brother be my buffer zone with her. This would work as my brothers and I are extremely close. Even now, they come to me first when there's a problem or if there's good news because of the absenteeism of my mom in younger days.

    He'll feel it out for me and then I'll go from there. It could very well be that she couldn't handle the situation and was too scared to call by the time she found out. Who knows? The nonchalance was what made my blood boil.

    Thanks for helping me hash this out. Sometimes you need an outsider's take on it because I'm just too close to see.

    But, one good thing did happen. My babies are home with me. Safe, sound, and galloping through the darn house like a bunch of horses! It forced Brad to make a decision too, so maybe it was all for the best in the long run...

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    Featured Member echomadison's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    If someone did that to my cat, they would DIE mother or not! haha. I raised my cat from 2 days old and he is my life, as silly as that sounds. When I have a bad night-he is there, when I am sick-he is there...he is like my best friend. I work at the Humane Society in my off time, and I love all animals. They dont deserve the way some people treat them, they didnt ask for that and its pathetic. I would remember this next time your Mom wants some more money and tell her you dont feel right giving money to someone who has such blatant disregard to the things you hold dear. Thats just so disrespectful on so many levels.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Well I'm glad to hear you have a boy that is so caring towards you, that really helps.

    As for your family, I like the advice you've gotten as well as your idea with your brother.

    We'll be here for support through it all.
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    I'm so glad that's over and I hope you can speak on it at some point. Depression or not, the reasonable response is for her to apologize. Also I don't think it's unreasonable to set up a repayment plan so that next Christmas is a lot more peaceful.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Depression is no excuse. Unless she's a total invalid from it and can't leave the bed, there's no reason she couldn't get a couple flea collars or at least give you a call. And I'm just in shock that she can't be bothered apolgize!

    (I definitely wouldn't loan her more money until she starts paying off her debts. $25,000 is WAY too much debt! Especially considering it only took two years for that to accumulate.)
    Last edited by kittykat88; 12-01-2006 at 11:04 AM.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Also check into allergy shampoo for your bf. I think there is a shampoo you can use that helps. But it may wash the frontline off. Ask the vet. then maybe it won't be too bad for him. He rocks for helping you with the cats.
    I would forgive mom. No person in their right mind would do that. Glad you have them back. I was w/out mine for a year 1/2. I hated it.

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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Quote Originally Posted by DylanAngel View Post
    Now Christmas is coming and I am so hurt and so mad that I can't see straight. I don't want to see her for fear of saying something so freaking mean she'd never forget it. But I'm also torn because I won't see the rest of my family for Christmas if I don't go.

    How would you handle this?
    If you decide to go, don't drive if you are still having trouble with your vision.

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    Featured Member evan_essence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need Help. How would you handle this?

    Quote Originally Posted by kittykat88 View Post
    Depression is no excuse. Unless she's a total invalid from it and can't leave the bed, there's no reason she couldn't get a couple flea collars. And I'm just in shock that she can't be bothered apolgize!
    Well, as one who's suffered and continues to suffer from anxiety and depression, I disagree with the notion that you have to be a total invalid and can't leave the bed. I have no idea what her real deal is, but generally speaking, clinical depression can cause illogical and paralyzing fear of doing certain things. The key word being illogical. I can appear totally functional on some things, things that I have total confidence in myself to do, and stifling fear of doing things I have total confidence in myself to f**k completely up when I touch them. Yes, even something simple like going to the store and purchasing flea collars. And the longer I avoid doing them in order to run away from the fear, the larger the fear grows, reinforcing the paralyzing notion that I'm a f**k-up.

    And the emotional detachment, I can relate to. You see, if I can just do this one thing really well that I have a knack for, like my job, perhaps it'll make up for all the stuff I'm deficient at in my home life. Yes, magically, other things will get better by extension. Like, I'll have enough money to hire a housekeeper to come in so I won't have to worry about screwing that up and can devote more time to my SO. Only I never achieve it, so I must be a bigger f**K-up than I thought. Well, maybe if I just change my job focus a little, I'll get that raise.

    Yes, welcome to the wonderful world of self-defeating tricks the mind can play. I do think hereditary chemistry has a role in it because my mother had some mental health issues too, but my emotional detachment and running away thing is also environmental because it was my way of steering clear of my parents arguing all the time.

    Think I'll go cry now. Amazing. That's more concise than I ever could be with a therapist. Hmmm, this isn't the Ladies Only forum, is it? Oh, well, just hit Submit on this post, Evan, and be done with it.

    -Ev

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