I'm starting to think maybe I'm depressed or something. I mentioned it to my doctor a few months ago, and she was like "well, do you feel depressed?".
Anyway, on Wellbutrin I went. But I stopped taking it two weeks ago. I just felt like it was not doing much for me, and maybe I was put on a placebo.
But I just feel worse and worse. Like I can't concentrate, and I'm always crying it seems. For NOTHING. Just no particular reason, I lose it. Right now I feel like I could just cry. Yuck.
I know it's typical to feel directionless, lonely, unhappy, etc. This is life, and I don't want to be such a fucking hypochondriac loser all the time. But I don't think I've ever felt this angry, and hopeless...for so long. At everything, and nothing in particular. Like my body has given up. It feels like I can't make a fist sometimes because my hands are dead. It's such a scary sensation. Or if I try to stand up, I'll just crumple. So scary!
And I don't ever want to get out of bed anymore. I sleep for ten hours or more and still it's struggle and I'm exhausted all day. Could I have been dependent on the pills and this is just a temporary effect of suddenly going off them?
I don't want this anymore. I don't want to resent everyone and hate myself. And everything feels dishonest somehow...such self-disgust, and jokes aren't funny...like everyone is laughing in class at something and I think "this isn't funny". Ha, I don't want to hate everyone and hate myself anymore, and that's what it's come to. So scary.
But when my doctor says "do you feel depressed?" I don't know what that even means. This even, this stupid self-loathing, feels sick and self-indulgent. Like I should just suck it up and accept my imperfection but I can't, can't, can't. I feel like I'm just this fake, and when I'm pleased with myself it quickly permutes into "what the hell girl? Don't be so pleased with yourself, you're x, y, and z, and you damn well know it". And just every interaction with other people feels like a game, like some discussion on one level where the truth is missing....i feel dumb, and ugly, and embarrassing to everyone...a vapid cloud of atoms.
oh god! lol. I have to stop myself, but these thoughts are just obsessing me lately and it's terrifying. Or maybe this is all normal, actually, and I'm just overthinking it...I don't know. I'm thinking depression, if only because I just *can't* get out of bed and all the crying. But I don't know. I don't know who to talk to. Better to ask pseudo-anonymous people...Any ideas (and sorry if this sounds pathetic...I know, I know).



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