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Thread: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

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    Default If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    I'm starting to think maybe I'm depressed or something. I mentioned it to my doctor a few months ago, and she was like "well, do you feel depressed?".

    Anyway, on Wellbutrin I went. But I stopped taking it two weeks ago. I just felt like it was not doing much for me, and maybe I was put on a placebo.

    But I just feel worse and worse. Like I can't concentrate, and I'm always crying it seems. For NOTHING. Just no particular reason, I lose it. Right now I feel like I could just cry. Yuck.

    I know it's typical to feel directionless, lonely, unhappy, etc. This is life, and I don't want to be such a fucking hypochondriac loser all the time. But I don't think I've ever felt this angry, and hopeless...for so long. At everything, and nothing in particular. Like my body has given up. It feels like I can't make a fist sometimes because my hands are dead. It's such a scary sensation. Or if I try to stand up, I'll just crumple. So scary!

    And I don't ever want to get out of bed anymore. I sleep for ten hours or more and still it's struggle and I'm exhausted all day. Could I have been dependent on the pills and this is just a temporary effect of suddenly going off them?

    I don't want this anymore. I don't want to resent everyone and hate myself. And everything feels dishonest somehow...such self-disgust, and jokes aren't funny...like everyone is laughing in class at something and I think "this isn't funny". Ha, I don't want to hate everyone and hate myself anymore, and that's what it's come to. So scary.

    But when my doctor says "do you feel depressed?" I don't know what that even means. This even, this stupid self-loathing, feels sick and self-indulgent. Like I should just suck it up and accept my imperfection but I can't, can't, can't. I feel like I'm just this fake, and when I'm pleased with myself it quickly permutes into "what the hell girl? Don't be so pleased with yourself, you're x, y, and z, and you damn well know it". And just every interaction with other people feels like a game, like some discussion on one level where the truth is missing....i feel dumb, and ugly, and embarrassing to everyone...a vapid cloud of atoms.

    oh god! lol. I have to stop myself, but these thoughts are just obsessing me lately and it's terrifying. Or maybe this is all normal, actually, and I'm just overthinking it...I don't know. I'm thinking depression, if only because I just *can't* get out of bed and all the crying. But I don't know. I don't know who to talk to. Better to ask pseudo-anonymous people...Any ideas (and sorry if this sounds pathetic...I know, I know).

  2. #2
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Okay.
    First of all. You sound depressed. See a specialist. I know you have a running appointment with your doctor, but for this it might be wise to get a referral. Drugs may be in order; therapy may be in order; a combination or first one then the other. But just waiting for this to go away will likely not be good; you'll just wind up wasting your early adulthood.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  3. #3
    Crissychan
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Wow reading this just made me realize maybe I have been depressed for a while...

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    Veteran Member Laylas's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    ^^ ^^
    Did you stop taking the Welbutrin suddenly, or did you gradually cut down your dosage? Your body may be going through withdrawl symptoms. Muscle weakness/vertigo is a major symptom of this....I know it freaked me out after I "suddenly" stopped taking my Celexa last year (no money for a refill). The room felt like it was spinning, I felt lightheaded, and just very, very weak in general. Quite scary, actually. It took about a month or so before I felt "normal" again.

    Are you on a vitamin regimin? Not to say this will "cure" your depression, but it will strengthen the body. It's much easier to climb out of this dark hole if you aren't constantly tired.

    Remember..."This, too, shall pass."

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    Veteran Member absolutbliss's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Yeah, I'm no doctor, but it sounds like you may need to see a specialist. Depression is something that actually physically takes a toll on you, and that's exactly what it sounds like is happening. Something as little as drugs to fix a slight chemical imbalance may totally help you feel back to your happy, energetic self. In the meantimee before your appt., I would suggest maybe taking a daily walk or something in a relaxing park? it would bring your energy up and maybe clear your head a little?
    I'd grab my trumpet and I'd do a stripper sound, like the old Louis Armstrong, real raspy. And the people would go nuts! Then I knew that the sexual, sensual, guttural sound, that throbbing sound, is where it's at.

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    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    you definitely sound depressed to me. when everything is just too hard to even get out of bed, that's a really big sign.

    when i was depressed, i forced myself to do 'something'... anything. i told myself, 'life rewards action'. so even if the action was just getting up to go to the store or whatever, it was better than rotting in my pit.

    (then therapy fixed me properly)

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    Veteran Member christian211's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Quote Originally Posted by Nautilus View Post
    you definitely sound depressed to me. when everything is just too hard to even get out of bed, that's a really big sign.

    when i was depressed, i forced myself to do 'something'... anything. i told myself, 'life rewards action'. so even if the action was just getting up to go to the store or whatever, it was better than rotting in my pit.

    (then therapy fixed me properly)

    What she said. Anyways, I always sucked at knowing when I was spiraling until I've almost hit bottom so... I've noticed now being a little bit better and older at it, when you're always tired, mad, sad, anxious, bitchy, sleepy, not sleepy, violent, abusing alcohol/drugs/food, laying in bed all day, not bathing, total lack of emotion, etc. you might be depressed. Sometimes you think it's just a little funk, but all my episodes started that way. Better to be safe- get to a shrink. It's kinda corny, but it does help! Take care.

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    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Whilst mainly aimed at Australians there has to be something there that will be of assistance to you: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/


    enter: E3167322D9 for your 10% discount

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    God/dess PleasureVictim's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    If you want an ear, just message me- I know exactly what you are going through. It's really hard for me to write about in the open like this, but I constantly have this feeling of 'nothing'. I can't be happy or even sad enough to cry. I stay at home an indoors so much that I only go out to go to work. I don't go out to shop, hang out or even eat.
    I should be at the doctors office, but I don't even have the drive to go there, they'll just prescribe some medicine I've probably taken before that didn't work. Plus I like to have my drinks at work, so that's not going to fly. I usually 'ride it out' but this has been going on for months already. I really wish I didn't have to deal with this.

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    Veteran Member Tallulah's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    I dont know about the US but in the UK every silly person who's having a bad day gets given antidepressants like sweets! To be truly clinically depressed is dire and diagnosing every bad case of the blues as depression is wholly wrong.

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Yup. you sound REALLY depressed.

    But to answer your question: when I get depressed I sleep too much, either eat nothing or eat everything (and don't really taste it.) Things that I'd normally love to do (even things that cost extra money that I'd do as a special treat) just don't appeal to me. Nothing appeals, except sleep and nothingness.

    Things that have helped me (because these are, in my opinion, minor depressions, at least for me) making myself go out, making myself START to exercise. Going out with friends. Paying attention to my food, either making myself drink protein shakes or eat health bars when I can't be bothered to choke down something real, or by eating lean cuisines or something healthy (but still tasty, and yes, they taste good to me) for when I'm trying to feed the abyss.

    Helping others in small ways-- tracking down a homeless person to feed (and gosh, they're really hard to find when you're actually wanting to feed them, have you noticed that?) or something else.

    Hanging out with animals also help-- cat, dog, whatever. Just not fish.

    And something that TYPICALLY helps pull me out of minor depression? A romance novel. Now, I like the funny modern age ones that aren't all tense with sexual overtones but have HILARIOUS dialogue.

    Some of my favorites, the two novels by Lauren Willig (more historical history, but pretty interesting and funny,) Janet Evanovitch books (mystery), Katie MacAlister books (romance), and if you're depressed about love, I recommend The Big Love by Sarah Dunn. It had so many great passages that I would immediately call a girlfriend and be like, you HAVE to listen to this!


    Obviously, it sounds like you need meds, and these suggestions aren't going to fix that. But perhaps, if you start feeling blue when you go back on the meds, and you're just STARTING to feel yourself dip into a minor depression, they might help.

    *hugs!*

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    Featured Member 21stcenturyfox's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Oh honey, I was depressed for nearly 2 years. Crying for no reason all the time, smallest things triggering me, sleeping all the time, not wanting to get out of bed, etc, etc. I wished i could rather be dead even tho i didnt want to actually die. I fantasised about self harming.

    I eventually went to see a Cognitive Behavioural Psychologist and she explained to me how i am an all or nothing person and i dont acknowledge things i do well or right and how my expectations are too high so i beat myself up wen i dont accomplish them, etc etc

    for me, i was dead against getting medicated. i knew there was something wrong with the way i was thinking that was making me feel this way and wen i figured out what it was with the help of my therapist and began working on little steps to overcome these negative thoughts and actions, my life turned around.

    i cant tell you how amazing it feels to know i will never get there again because it was the darkest time of my life and i feel so so sad that you feel this way. ive been there and its not fun, but dont despair, you CAN and WILL get out of it.

    go and see a therapist and try and find out whats triggering you. it may take a little while, but wen youre bursting at the seams with sadness, it will eventually all come out wen there is someone professional listening to it.

    good luck honey, and hang in there, you ARE worthy of feeling good.

    *hugs*
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    Veteran Member lexXe's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    If you are having these feelings, make an effort to do some serious personal work. It will help, trust me. Pshychotherapy is the best gift I have ever given myself. PM me if you like.

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    Veteran Member ChloeTheRed's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    I'd agree with Fancy, when I get depressed, all I want to do is sleep, maybe cry. I masturbate or medicate to get myself to sleep when I can't fall asleep naturally. I stop eating altogether, or occasionally I eat and eat and eat, but I never taste the food and it never really satisfies me. I don't want to go out; I even dread the idea of going out. I don't usually feel like I need to shower during one of my funks (and feel really gross when I come out of it).

    When I've been through Zoloft withdrawl, I had a sore throat, dizziness and vertigo, muscle weakness, difficulty concentrating, persistant headaches, and even worse self-worth than usual. Going off of psychoactive medications suddenly is very bad for your head, and I really wouldn't recommend it unless the side effects of the meds are screwing you up even worse.

    Exercise helps -- the best is when I can concentrate on the workout and work and work and work until I'm sweaty and high on endorphins. If you know some yoga, going to a yoga class can help immensely, because you're often concentrating so hard on doing the moves that you don't have the mental spare time to concentrate on how much you suck (or rather, how much you think you suck.) It takes a lot of effort to get put together and out the door when you're feeling this down, but once you're at class, you can't run away, and you'll often feel much better afterwards.
    Green veggies help -- try a spinach salad (baby spinach is best) with blue or feta cheese, some kind of nuts (I'd say walnuts or pecans), grapes or apple bits, and some kind of dressing (I'm mad for balsamic vinegarette or better, raspberry balsamic vinegarette). This salad (also known as "the salad" to some of my friends) has lots of nutrition and has lots of strong and complex flavors. The spinach seems to be great for my mood balance, and the salad is tasty enough to make me want to keep eating it after the first bite.
    Talk therapy helps -- having somebody to unload all of my problems on really clears my head a bit. It helps me understand which of my issues are pure irrational worry on my part and which have a basis in reality, and it helps me figure out what I can do to fix some of them.
    In my case, drugs help. I think your doctor was far too quick to prescribe Wellbutrin, given the side effects and withdrawl effects, but if you can't manage the symptoms on your own through diet, exercise, and talk therapy, medication might be the next step. It is expensive, and you do have to keep it in your system unless you're working with your doctor and making a concerted effort to step down the dosage and finally taper off.

    Please, don't stop your meds suddenly like that. There is absolutely nothing that will make me spiral into a major suicidal depression and/or breakdown more than going off my meds. It is a rapid and (in my case) guaranteed trip to a very very bad head-space. You might not react as badly, but it isn't a good idea to subject yourself to that if you don't absolutely have to.

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    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    You were probably not put on a placebo. You probably didn't give the drug enough time to take effect. Don't EVER abruptly stop taking a psychiatric drug again. You would end up feeling really disoriented.

    You might have a sister disorder like anxiety where you start to obsess, and the rumination saps all your energy, leading to depression.

    I want to become a psychologist eventually, so feel free to PM me. Not saying I'm an expert yet just that I like helping people.

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  16. #16
    Darcy Foxx
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    i knew i was depressed when i developed a completely psychotic addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. i'd been feeling miserable for a long time, and it finally reached a point where i could not even bring myself to go to work... i would spend all day, every day, laying on the couch under a rug, watching my Buffy DVDs over and over and over, and then crying hysterically over nothing til i was so exhausted that i'd fall asleep for a few hours. then i'd wake up, watch more Buffy, cry hysterically, and sleep. i stopped eating, stopped answering phone calls. every time i looked in the mirror i'd scream and want to punch my reflection for being so ugly, then i'd throw myself on the floor and cry hysterically again. even though i didn't really want to die i'd think about how much better off it'd be if i didn't exist. on the rare occasions i'd leave the house, i'd spend the whole time having graphic fantasies about throwing myself infront of a bus.

    it sounds to me like you're definitely suffering from depression. maybe go and see someone else, not just a doctor but someone who is actually trained in dealing with these things.

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Quote Originally Posted by ChloeTheRed View Post
    I don't usually feel like I need to shower during one of my funks (and feel really gross when I come out of it).

    Ohmigosh, exactly! That's probably one of the worst things! I have to make myself shower, and I'll feel better but then I won't shower for a couple days. I want to make myself look and physically feel as disgusting and bleah as I emotionally feel.

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    God/dess scarlett_vancouver's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Molly, I think you are.

    I won't go into my whole sordid history, but I didn't realize the extent of my depression until it was treated and I looked back, like "woah". It was bad, but there's no way I could have realized it when I was in the fog. I don't think you can know the extent of it while you're experiencing it, which is one of the very frustrating things about depression.

    Everything you're describing is very very familiar, which makes me pretty certain you're experiencing some pretty severe depression. Go to the doctor. Please!

    Email me if you think the gory details about my depression might help you...I've no qualms sharing them with you.

    xoxo

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    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    i prefer a therapist to a pure doctor because they're less likely to dish out meds as the first port of call, rather than getting to the problem.

    it's amazing what can cause a massive hangover in adult life.

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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Thank you to everybody. I...think maybe I'll ask for a referral to talk to a specialist or something, but I still feel like I don't deserve the attention. This feels so childish and backwards, and sometimes I can kinda surpress it and just move on with my day. But the ability to 'be normal' seems to be more and more lacking, so...time to maybe check under the hood I guess.

    I slept and slept and moped and didn't shower and then when I did I looked at the razor...and then I got out and fell into bed again and then took my horse tranquilizer needle and fantasized about just going to sleep with that since sleep is all I want. Then I had this vision about my family finding me dead and I didn't want that...so weird I felt guilty about school thinking "my prof will pissed for taking all that time to answer my question for nothing". Gross thoughts, and I don't mean to disgust anyone with TMI but I feel full disclosure is necessary. It really helps to know other people have gone through this thing.

    And plus my horse needs that tranq to be shaved and I wouldn't want my vet to feel bad for selling it to me. I remember the vet I used to work for saying that you'd never manage to kill yourself like you kill a dog anyway because you'd pass out before pushing it all in...but I think the horse shot would be strong enough to do the job, and anyway if I injected it IM I'd get it all before passing out.

    But that was a brief thought...really I pull out of it for hours at a time, sort of. I did all this online shopping and stuff...so hopeful. I don't want to die, I just want to be unconscious right now, but I'm not an idiot and don't worry I'm gonna go stay at my mom's for a little mental vacation for awhile. I've never thought so specifically about how to die before, so that sucks. I don't know why this suddenly accelerated to this bottoming out like it has.

    Onward. Thanks, and I'm taking some time off from the computer for a while. I'm just going to try to study for exams and not lose myself in the ways i usually do because I'm afraid of where I'm going when my imagination and this thing in my head...where they take me.

    Forgive a crazy girl...she thanks you

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    oh babe....please get help soon, even if it's only talking to one of the suicide hotlines. You can just be turning it over in your head and not all the way seriously contemplating it to benefit. And just think, you get to be selfish as you want to be and tell the person all your problems because that's what they're there for-- just like your teacher. believe me, I ask A LOT of stupid questions and I'm at a level where that's really bad to do, but tough shit. I've got a comment or a question, that's what class is FOR.

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    Veteran Member ChloeTheRed's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Therapists and psychologists are here to help you. They spend years of their life and lots of money getting these degrees just to help people like you. They're here to help and they really do want to help.

    Please, call the suicide hotline. Fancygirl is right, even if you aren't serious at the moment, the fact that you're thinking about it worries me, and it will probably be at least a little bit of a help to talk to people about it.

    Please take care.

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    Veteran Member Scout's Avatar
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Staying with parents is excellent therapy. I'm glad you are going to your mom's. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I fly back home.

    I think a good psychoanalyst is in order. Find the root of what is causing you to feel this way.

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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    I just want to give you a bit of advice about meds: if whatever you're taking 'isn't working,' or the side effects are too much, or whatever, go back to your doctor and ask to try something else.

    I lucked out on my first medication-- Celexa-- but many of my friends have spent months or years looking for the right antidperessant. Everyone's different; the first thing you try may not work, but something out there will.

    I recommend seeing a therapist and getting her to refer you to a psychiatrist who will work with you until you find the right medication.

    It may be expensive, but it's so worth it.

  25. #25
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: If you've ever been depressed, how did you know?

    Quote Originally Posted by ChloeTheRed View Post

    Exercise helps -- the best is when I can concentrate on the workout and work and work and work until I'm sweaty and high on endorphins. If you know some yoga, going to a yoga class can help immensely, because you're often concentrating so hard on doing the moves that you don't have the mental spare time to concentrate on how much you suck (or rather, how much you think you suck.)
    This post--the entire thread, really--struck a chord.

    Enough to say that I've quoted Chloe above because I agree 100%. Strenuous yoga reminds me of my karate classes a million years ago in college and just after. It is good exercise, but what's even more beneficial is the mental focus it demands.

    Whereas I still get moody/sad about work or dating (or the lack thereof), these feelings aren't massive, unmoving boulders any more. I take note of them, put them in context, explore why they are visiting me, and then proceed with my life. It's also important, I think, to allow yourself to rack up little accomplishments and find little pleasures whenever you can. Over time, these seemingly mundane positive activities do add up and make you feel better.

    Finally, just to underscore what others have said: Do get some professional help. Suicidal thoughts aren't safe or "normal," which you will happily realize when you emerge from your depression.

    Feel better and take care.

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