Results 1 to 18 of 18

Thread: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

  1. #1
    Picaresque
    Guest

    Default it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    I seem to have just completely lost it. Lost my hustle, lost my composure, and lost every fucking shred of self-confidence, sometime in the past two weeks.

    I don't get it. It's like all of a sudden, after half a year of doing this and (more often than not!) being good at it and loving it...everything just dropped out from under me.

    Maybe it has something to do with the depression that I've managed to keep at bay for awhile but which has now come crashing back down on me. I just look in the mirror and see a fat ugly loser, and why the fuck would anyone want to spend any money at all on me? I look around at some of the other girls who regularly BANK at work, who can get anyone to go to VIP, who will have the grunting asshole that I just tried to hustle running back to do LDs five minutes after I gave up on him, who are fucking HOT, who have serious brass balls and can march up to any guy and practically demand that he give them money (and have them do it happily!)...and it just intensifies the feeling of "I'm a fat ugly worthless bitch that no one wants to spend money on". It's like everyone else has got something I don't, and I don't know what that "thing" is. I strongly suspect it's self-confidence, though.

    The depression is bad enough to deal with, fighting through these feelings while trying to maintain a "game face" and at least pretend that I think I'm hot and worth it. Doesn't work. Custys can see through that with overwhelming frequency.

    Then things went from bad to worse. Friday was the ultimate low at work. This part was my fault--I was at the club in one of only three outfits that I've been dancing in for 6 months straight, thinking about how I really need some new stuff...hadn't done my hair, just sort of slopped myself together and forced myself to go to work b/c I was scheduled and didn't want to pay the fee.

    Had the wrong mentality going in...lately I've just been moping around my house without the energy or drive to do anything productive, and not being able to shake the "why bother trying? I'll never get anywhere" defeatist tape that runs through my head.
    I've pretty much let my life slide down the drain, and as much as I desperately WANT to get it back together, it's like treading water--all I can do to keep from drowning, nevermind being able to actually get anywhere.

    So I get to work and things go from bad to worse. First I hear from one girl that management is talking about getting rid of girls that don't make enough $$ for the house. Our contracts are up for renewal in Jan., and hearing that made me feel ill.
    OK, so it's just gossip, and the last time the "omg they're firing people!" buzz went around...nothing happened. Worry over nothing. I'm not one of those girls that sits at the bar or in the dressing room not hustling, but I'm also nowhere near being a top earner. Just floating around somewhere in the vicinity of "average", I suppose. When I was talking to one of the hosts (who is usually up on everything that goes on behind the scenes) about my fears, he just laughed at me and said i'm being ridiculous and have nothing to worry about; that if they were going to fire people I definitely wouldn't be one of them. OK, but somehow my mind didn't quite process that, b/c I'm still paranoid and worried now that I don't generate enough money.

    I know some would say it's not even a big deal, "if you got fired you'd just find another club"...but FUCK IT, I really like my club, and it's one of the VERY few clubs in the area that's clean/safe, has high earning potential and isn't over an hour from my house.

    Then, I had to deal with the new girl who thought she could just barge in and copy my entire dance card for herself. WTF? I know, I know, "no one owns specific songs" blah blah blah...BUT a) I go out of my way to find and bring in unique songs that most people don't even know...it's not like I'm trying to "claim" all the hot new songs that everyone wants, b) the fact is that in our club, girls who have been there awhile DO get to have their "trademark" sets, and c) it's not like she just wanted one or two of "my" songs...my entire fucking file! Give me a fucking break! The DJ that was there told me he wasn't about to sell out my favorite songs, and he didn't...but then I had to deal with her throwing a fit and being a bitch to me for the rest of the day b/c he wouldn't play all my songs for her. NOT what I want to deal with, with all the other shit going on in my life.

    The day just kept going further downhill, and I only sold two dances all day. Granted we weren't even remotely "busy", but other girls were making enough--including the music bitch, who thought it would be funny to turn around and smirk at me every time she went back for an LD or VIP.

    Sigh. I don't even know what the fuck I'm asking for here. I just needed to rant, and who else understands stripper shit? I just don't know what to do about getting out of the depression and getting my fucking self-confidence back. Starting to pick up the pieces is always the hardest part. I don't get why everything seems to be unravelling (at least in my mind) suddenly after half a year of no real problems hustling/functioning at work.

    I guess I do have one specific question...for anyone else who suffers from depression. Is there anyone who uses non-traditional methods of coping/treating it? What do you do to deal with it? Therapy--been there done that, it's useless for me. And I refuse to go on meds, b/c I hate the idea of being dependant on a chemical substance. I know my depression isn't a result of chemical imbalance anyway--it's situational.

    Well, if you made it all the way through this drivel, i commend you. Any wise words you might have would be appreciated. And mods, I just slopped this in stripping general b/c that seemed the best place, as it does relate to the job. But, of course, move it if necessary.
    Last edited by Picaresque; 12-03-2006 at 03:39 PM.

  2. #2
    God/dess phillyvixen's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    2,053
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Do you find yourself more depressed in the winter months then summer? Sometimes its a lack of sunlight causing a decrease in seratonin that can make you moody or depressed. There are sun therapys (lamps you sit under) or i heard the tanning both works too.

  3. #3
    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2003
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    7,772
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 40 Times in 35 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Well, Christmas is coming up soon... so that might be why your money is down... Otherwise, pick up a new exersize routine, buy some new make up... do something to make yourself feel better about the way you look because you're not going to convince anyone that you're worth spending money on if you don't even feel that way about yourself. Also, if you can, talk to a doctor about your depression. I'm sorry you're going through a crappy time... It happens to the best of us. ::mental hug::
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  4. #4
    Veteran Member Scout's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2006
    Posts
    335
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 6 Times in 5 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Depression is a tricky monster to kill. Outsides resources usually are necessary, be it therapy, medications, group meetings, or books.

    A friend of mine who had no success with therapy used The Feeling Good Handbook to help her. She highly recommends it.

  5. #5
    Member
    Joined
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    General rule of thumb - if you think you may be depressed you probably are. Find yourself a therapist and get yourself on some meds for a short term fix. The meds shouldn't be looked at as a long term solution, but you can get yourself into a position to address whatever the root of your problem really is.

    Also, avoid alcohol and weed or any self-medicating substances you may use.

    Finally, just taking the time to post your feelings here is a very healthy step. The biggest problem with depression is that most people are afraid to share with others what they are feeling and the result is that they cut themselves off from the rest of the world and isolate their emotions. Lots of times people are afraid to share their feelings because they are afraid that the rest of the world will view their depression as "crazy." The truth is we're all fucked up in some way and those who would mock your problem are merely masking their own.

    If you have someone you consider a close friend make it a point to talk to them every few days. Both about your life and about theirs. You don't have to "solve" any problems, just open up and share your life and become connected with the rest of the world again.

  6. #6
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Dec 2005
    Location
    VIP Room
    Posts
    1,403
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 77 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Happy

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    I know exactly how you're feeling. I felt the exact same way about a month ago! I actually lost it one night working, I just burst into tears (something I don't ever do at work). I was seriously depressed!!! I don't like antidepressants either because of the weird side effects, what I did do is take a leave of absense for about 2 wks, spent a lot of time in bed, time to myself and did take an antidepressant for about a week. I seriously thought I was going to die I was feeling so crappy.

    After a few weeks off, I went back to work and within 2 days of working, I banked and I mean banked! And have since I've been back. I think that's part of the burn out that all of us strippers talk about. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's not all about being pretty, it's not easy going into work for 6-8 hrs and being happy and bubbly and hustling and deal with all the $hit from the customers and certain people you work with.

    I highly recommend you take about 2 wks off and not worry about anything, just focus on yourself. Get plenty of sleep, when you're up to it start doing exercise (that helps to reduce depression) and then pamper yourself, get your toes & nails done, your hair, all that, that will make you feel good about yourself and when you do go back to work ease back into it. Don't jump back into a regular schedule because you'll still be fragile. I still feel a little fragile and am taking it a little slow and don't push myself over my limits.

    Remember, the depression WILL PASS, just focus on taking care of yourself. Don't worry about work, money or anything because it will stress you out and I've noticed that stress is the number one thing that brings depression on in me.

  7. #7
    Picaresque
    Guest

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    thanks guys

    leogirl...I can't afford to take 2 weeks off, but I am giving myself this week off. Not going back till Saturday. In the meantime, I plan on lots of journalling, buying some new costume pieces, getting my hair cut, getting back into yoga, picking out some new music, and actually doing the DW course that's been sitting on my desk since I got it.

    I actually do have zoloft, left over from when I decided to give therapy/meds a try. I'm afraid to take it though, b/c last time I did, I took them sporadically, and the withdrawal was...well...like the worst bout of depression I've ever had. This time I know I need to take them consistently, and taper off instead of stopping cold turkey...but I still am uneasy thinking about the withdrawal.

    Well, maybe if I do it right this time that won't be a problem. I get what you mean about it being a short-term fix--all I expect from the meds is that they give me the initial push to get my ass out of bed, stop dragging around and ACCOMPLISH things...then I can start getting into better habits and reaping the rewards of not sitting around all day and should be in a better place.

    bah.

    thanks again for the good advice I needed it.

  8. #8
    Featured Member pinkpvc's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,012
    Thanks
    130
    Thanked 252 Times in 117 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    hello deary,
    just wanted to say how amazing i think you are for keeping your chin up in an environment like a SC.It's hard to deal with depression at the best of time, heck i sometimes can't even leave my house,so it's great that your getting out there and working through it.
    Maybe you should give the meds another go. I just got taken off them by my doc and have had the worst week ever (know what you mean about withdrawal symptoms!) so am going to docs tomoz (well actually in 3 hrs, haven't slept for three days lol) to get a small doze.
    Maybe a wee doze would help regulate your mood.

  9. #9
    Featured Member evan_essence's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Midwest USA
    Posts
    1,613
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 18 Times in 11 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Quote Originally Posted by Picaresque View Post
    I actually do have zoloft, left over from when I decided to give therapy/meds a try. I'm afraid to take it though, b/c last time I did, I took them sporadically, and the withdrawal was...well...like the worst bout of depression I've ever had. This time I know I need to take them consistently, and taper off instead of stopping cold turkey...but I still am uneasy thinking about the withdrawal.
    Ugh, hun, this is why people have problems with anti-depressants. They're only safe if taken as directed, and under a doctor's guidance. (It doesn't necessarily have to be a psychiatrist, it can be your general practitioner.) When you don't take them as directed, they mess you up. When you don't give your doctor feedback about problems as they arise, they mess you up. If you're going to use them as temporary help, and there's no stigma to that, they are not to be taken casually.

    If Zoloft was a rough ride, perhaps you should try something else? They don't all have the same effect. As an example, I got benefits from Prozac but it made me feel too "up" all the time. I mean, I couldn't have cried at a funeral. It was like a Botox smile pasted on my face. I found Welbutrin had a much subtler impact, lifting me some but not unnaturally. Another time, I had one, I can't remember the name of it, that made me dream in vibrant technicolor panaroma-vision, which simply creeped me out so I abandoned it in favor of something else. I also kept forgetting to take my pills multiple times a day, which is not good, so doc prescribed an extended release that I only had to remember once a day.

    Now that's just my experience and won't reflect yours, but my point is, they're not all equal in their effect on you, so you need to give feedback to your doctor. If it's producing side effects or simply making you uncomfortable, he/she may want to adjust the dosage or try something else. (To me, the damn thing shouldn't call attention to itself. I shouldn't be going, whoa, I feel that! More like, hmmm, ya know, I think this is helping.)

    Ask the doc for samples of whatever he/she recommends so you can test it out for a while before spending money on a prescription. If it's weirding you out, tell the doc. Don't be satisfied until you find the medicine and dosage that agree with you.

    -Ev

  10. #10
    Member
    Joined
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    e_e is right about the dangers of not following the directions with the meds but I would disagree with the advice that a GP can provide you with the proper guidance. GP's can write the scripts for any drug, but often times they don't really have the best understanding of all these meds and the wrong choice can actually have the opposite effect in many people.

    If you have health insurance then I would really recommend going to a psychiatrist rather than a GP. Additionally, remember that the meds are really only a short term answer and the psychiatrist can help you work that out.

  11. #11
    Banned All Good Things's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    2,451
    Thanks
    33
    Thanked 601 Times in 233 Posts
    My Mood
    Daring

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    ^Ev is right. It usually takes several rounds of different meds and dosages before you find what's right for you. And that's even assuming that you are following the instructions and taking the proper doses. Please follow the instructions to the letter!

    The fact that you mentioned depression several times in your post means that this may be something that a break away from work by itself will not solve. And the meds are designed to work in situational cases (I'm definitely in that class) rather than solely in cases of deep biological imbalance or some perceived congenital defect.

    Combining a break with the time and effort to find a solution for the depression may be your best approach. I am a huge fan of Wellbutrin, which has almost no side effects other than weight loss and an increased sexual drive (I am totally serious). It also has this incredible effect on your dreams, where it imposes some crazy linearity and consistency to your dreaming all night long. So normally, when you wake up after a dream and go back to sleep, your dream is completely different. Not with Wellbutrin. It's like a night-long movie that just picks up again where you left off. I'm suspicious there there is some sort of Hollywood deal behind this drug.

  12. #12
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2002
    Posts
    9,746
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 50 Times in 31 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Honey - are you sure this is even depression? To me it actually sounds less like depression, and more like the job is just taking your for a hell of a ride. Drugs won't fix that.

    Like, okay - we all say don't take it personally when guys say no, and for some purposes that advice is good. But on the other hand - taking it personally is perfectly normal. It's depressing when you have a bad night and everyone else has a good night. More so when it happens a few times in a row. Again - drugs won't fix it. Just something to consider.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  13. #13
    Veteran Member absolutbliss's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    328
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 72 Times in 37 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    I hate to be the 'ol cotchety one, but the "if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting saying comes to mind.

    From what you wrote, it seems like

    1. you're frustrated about the appearance thing, and hense, feel this may affect getting dances from custys. Is it? If so, view it as something in your business that needs to be adressed. Get your hair fixed. Make a pact to yourself that you WILL have hair and makeup looking kick ass before you start your shift. Get your "tan on" from a bottle, or whatever. It sucks having to do all this crap, but it's our job. They come to see girls hotter than their girlfriend, and more put together than their wife. I know, it sucks. And it's time consuming. And sometimes, it doesn't matter how you look when there are just a bunch of assholes in the club all day. But it's our job. It's worth a shot.

    2. The atmosphere sucks, and it's getting you down. I say, the hell with it. Don't worry about the imature bitch that takes your music and smirks at you to piss you off, or don't worry about what the other girls make. She loves how it is getting to you. She'd probably enjoys knowing how she made you feel. Fuck her and fuck the music she steals. As nice as it is to get up on stage with the music you WANT, get screwed over is just a regular fact of SCs. Get up there like you love the music (i know, ugh). But like you said, custys can tell if you are miserable/angry. They come there to get away from all of that. I know the crap I'm saying is easier said than done, and I know I'm a hypocrite giving this advice when I should be taking it. I just hope I can give you another perspective and help ya

    You've got all the tools to make it happen. You have the brains, and the xp as a dancer to know what and how to do it. Take a week off. Regroup. Go get some new outfits the day before you go back. Step back and ask "what can I do/say TODAY during THIS shift to make shit happen. And do it. If it doesn't work, learn from it and try again.

    Keep your head up, girl. I hope things go better for you!
    I'd grab my trumpet and I'd do a stripper sound, like the old Louis Armstrong, real raspy. And the people would go nuts! Then I knew that the sexual, sensual, guttural sound, that throbbing sound, is where it's at.

  14. #14
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2002
    Location
    On a sweet muddy river.
    Posts
    6,399
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 78 Times in 43 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Withdrawal from any of the SSRI's is a bitch, which is why they usually aren't used temporarily or in the short term.

    Energy psych worked really good for me. It's a combination of breathing excercises and accupressure (tapping on yourself).



  15. #15
    Featured Member evan_essence's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Midwest USA
    Posts
    1,613
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 18 Times in 11 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    Drugs won't fix that.
    Oh no, Jenny's a Scientologist. 'Cause that statement's like, stripper blasphemy.

    But seriously, to clarify, I'm not recommending that medication is the appropriate answer in this case or the only answer; I was merely noting that if you're going to use them finitely as part of a larger solution (or in other words, as part of this wholesome breakfast), don't mess around. Take them as directed and under a doctor's supervision. Doing otherwise will make things worse.

    -Ev

  16. #16
    Member Vegas_Mentor's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Posts
    17
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Exercise for at least 40 minutes each day and stay away from Weed and other recreational drugs. Meditate for 20 minutes each day.

    Read the book called Using Your Brain for a Change by Richard Bandler and John Gringer. Especially the pages on Reframing. I beat depression and you can too!

  17. #17
    Senior Member bite's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    86
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    <<hugs>>. I think you've got very sharp insight into your situation, a lot of people who are having a shit time can only seem to wail 'why?' but you sound like your head is screwed on. I hope things look up for you

  18. #18
    Member
    Joined
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    19
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: it's all falling apart (warning: long and whiny)

    Quote Originally Posted by evan_essence View Post
    Oh no, Jenny's a Scientologist. 'Cause that statement's like, stripper blasphemy.
    Clearly Jenny has fallen under the Tom Cruise's mystifying mind control. It's the same thing that Tom uses on Katie to make stare at him adoringly with those vapid eyes like a Cocker Spaniel that has just been hit in the head with a 5-iron.

Similar Threads

  1. Should I leave him? (Warning: Long!!!)
    By Qi in forum Life Support
    Replies: 35
    Last Post: 01-19-2010, 11:03 AM
  2. Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-31-2006, 06:01 AM
  3. Who's crazier? (Warning: Long)
    By afxturnip in forum Shop Talk
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: 04-27-2005, 03:25 PM
  4. I need your Advice (warning long!)
    By siliconedoll in forum Newbie Board
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 04-09-2005, 01:24 PM
  5. Warning: RANT!! not long
    By TigersMilk in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 04-08-2005, 06:11 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •