I seem to have just completely lost it. Lost my hustle, lost my composure, and lost every fucking shred of self-confidence, sometime in the past two weeks.
I don't get it. It's like all of a sudden, after half a year of doing this and (more often than not!) being good at it and loving it...everything just dropped out from under me.
Maybe it has something to do with the depression that I've managed to keep at bay for awhile but which has now come crashing back down on me. I just look in the mirror and see a fat ugly loser, and why the fuck would anyone want to spend any money at all on me? I look around at some of the other girls who regularly BANK at work, who can get anyone to go to VIP, who will have the grunting asshole that I just tried to hustle running back to do LDs five minutes after I gave up on him, who are fucking HOT, who have serious brass balls and can march up to any guy and practically demand that he give them money (and have them do it happily!)...and it just intensifies the feeling of "I'm a fat ugly worthless bitch that no one wants to spend money on". It's like everyone else has got something I don't, and I don't know what that "thing" is. I strongly suspect it's self-confidence, though.
The depression is bad enough to deal with, fighting through these feelings while trying to maintain a "game face" and at least pretend that I think I'm hot and worth it. Doesn't work. Custys can see through that with overwhelming frequency.
Then things went from bad to worse. Friday was the ultimate low at work. This part was my fault--I was at the club in one of only three outfits that I've been dancing in for 6 months straight, thinking about how I really need some new stuff...hadn't done my hair, just sort of slopped myself together and forced myself to go to work b/c I was scheduled and didn't want to pay the fee.
Had the wrong mentality going in...lately I've just been moping around my house without the energy or drive to do anything productive, and not being able to shake the "why bother trying? I'll never get anywhere" defeatist tape that runs through my head.
I've pretty much let my life slide down the drain, and as much as I desperately WANT to get it back together, it's like treading water--all I can do to keep from drowning, nevermind being able to actually get anywhere.
So I get to work and things go from bad to worse. First I hear from one girl that management is talking about getting rid of girls that don't make enough $$ for the house. Our contracts are up for renewal in Jan., and hearing that made me feel ill.
OK, so it's just gossip, and the last time the "omg they're firing people!" buzz went around...nothing happened. Worry over nothing. I'm not one of those girls that sits at the bar or in the dressing room not hustling, but I'm also nowhere near being a top earner. Just floating around somewhere in the vicinity of "average", I suppose. When I was talking to one of the hosts (who is usually up on everything that goes on behind the scenes) about my fears, he just laughed at me and said i'm being ridiculous and have nothing to worry about; that if they were going to fire people I definitely wouldn't be one of them. OK, but somehow my mind didn't quite process that, b/c I'm still paranoid and worried now that I don't generate enough money.
I know some would say it's not even a big deal, "if you got fired you'd just find another club"...but FUCK IT, I really like my club, and it's one of the VERY few clubs in the area that's clean/safe, has high earning potential and isn't over an hour from my house.
Then, I had to deal with the new girl who thought she could just barge in and copy my entire dance card for herself. WTF? I know, I know, "no one owns specific songs" blah blah blah...BUT a) I go out of my way to find and bring in unique songs that most people don't even know...it's not like I'm trying to "claim" all the hot new songs that everyone wants, b) the fact is that in our club, girls who have been there awhile DO get to have their "trademark" sets, and c) it's not like she just wanted one or two of "my" songs...my entire fucking file! Give me a fucking break! The DJ that was there told me he wasn't about to sell out my favorite songs, and he didn't...but then I had to deal with her throwing a fit and being a bitch to me for the rest of the day b/c he wouldn't play all my songs for her. NOT what I want to deal with, with all the other shit going on in my life.
The day just kept going further downhill, and I only sold two dances all day. Granted we weren't even remotely "busy", but other girls were making enough--including the music bitch, who thought it would be funny to turn around and smirk at me every time she went back for an LD or VIP.
Sigh. I don't even know what the fuck I'm asking for here. I just needed to rant, and who else understands stripper shit?I just don't know what to do about getting out of the depression and getting my fucking self-confidence back. Starting to pick up the pieces is always the hardest part. I don't get why everything seems to be unravelling (at least in my mind) suddenly after half a year of no real problems hustling/functioning at work.
I guess I do have one specific question...for anyone else who suffers from depression. Is there anyone who uses non-traditional methods of coping/treating it? What do you do to deal with it? Therapy--been there done that, it's useless for me. And I refuse to go on meds, b/c I hate the idea of being dependant on a chemical substance. I know my depression isn't a result of chemical imbalance anyway--it's situational.
Well, if you made it all the way through this drivel, i commend you. Any wise words you might have would be appreciated. And mods, I just slopped this in stripping general b/c that seemed the best place, as it does relate to the job. But, of course, move it if necessary.


I just don't know what to do about getting out of the depression and getting my fucking self-confidence back. Starting to pick up the pieces is always the hardest part. I don't get why everything seems to be unravelling (at least in my mind) suddenly after half a year of no real problems hustling/functioning at work.
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