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Thread: Post a joke!

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    Veteran Member Innocense's Avatar
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    Default Post a joke!

    Wrong Email Address

    The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.

    Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.







    Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: February 5, 2004

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. It’s amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    Love,
    Harry

    P.S. Sure is hot down here!

  2. #2
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
    The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
    She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
    "I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
    "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
    "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
    "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
    "Exactly."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy.
    "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
    ''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. "Ok, go to the store and buy some oranges and a box of Cheerios...''
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!'' Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.'' The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised. So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''
    He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised! He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program. ''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...'' ''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!'' The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and carefully chose a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with this note. He did not realize that the packages had been switched, and that he had unwittingly sent his girlfriend the pair of panties to her sister had just bought...

    "Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. The sales lady showed me that the latest style is to where them with a little fur showing. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?” Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.” The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and thrills women?
    Money!
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  10. #10
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A married couple both lost their jobs, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.

    "$398.10," she said.

    "Who paid ten cents?" he asked.

    "Everybody”
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
    When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
    When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing
    they notice about a woman are their eyes.
    And women say that the first thing they notice about men
    is that they're a bunch of liars.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  14. #14
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Q. What's 15 inches long and makes a woman scream?















    A. Crib death.

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    Banned rozz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Q. What's 15 inches long and makes a woman scream?

    A. Crib death.
    And here I was wondering if I was the only one who was going to go there. Anyway...

    What's the best thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?
    There's twenty of them.

    A guy and a girl are nearing the end of their first date when the guy turns to her in the car and asks for a blowjob.
    "Isn't it awful presumptuous of you to ask for that when you barely know me?"
    "Isn't presumptuous an awful big word for an eight year old?"

  16. #16
    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Here's one:

    Q. What does an old lady smell like?


    A. Ummm, depends..

  17. #17
    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Oh, I just thought of another one...

    Q. What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?


    A. Single.....

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    God/dess Zabrina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

    She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

    The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

    Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

    It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

    The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

    "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

    "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

    "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

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    Veteran Member Vampira132's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    Why is a christmas tree better than a bloke?

    Its always erect, it stays up 12 days and 12 nights, has cute balls and it looks good with the lights on!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    My Idol Vampira

  20. #20
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    How do you get a gay man to fuck a chick?















    Fill her cunt with shit.

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    a rabbi and a priest were in a train car together.
    the priest says to the rabbi, "I must ask you, have you really never tried pork?"
    the rabbi sighed, "yess, once upon a time i tried some pork, and i asked repentence for my sin."
    he went back to reading his newspaper and the priest picked back up his book.
    a moment later, the rabbi put his newspaper down and said "Father, I must know, have you really never had sex?"
    The priest sighed.
    "Yes, i must admit, in my younger years I did have sexual intercourse. But I too have repented for my sin."
    The Rabbi smiled.
    "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

    Love it!

  22. #22
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    How is a blonde like a plate of spaghetti?

    They wriggle when you eat them.


    What's the difference between aspirin and a dancers boyfriend?

    Aspirin works.


    What do you call a dancer's ex-boyfriend?

    Homeless.



    What do dancers do to their assholes before work?

    Drop them off at their band practice.



    How do you get a dancer's ex-boyfriend off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.



    What do you call an escort with a matress strapped to her back?

    An owner-operator.


    How's a blonde like a screen door?

    The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

  23. #23
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A man was in a bar all day getting drunk and eventually he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
    "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
    "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
    "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  24. #24
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

    One less drunk.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  25. #25
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    Default Re: Post a joke!

    A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

    Finally the drunk replies,
    ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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